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I have a problem with my girlfriends previous promiscuity in first year Watch

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    Hi TSR,

    Basically I've been with my current girlfriend since the start of second year and our relationship so far has been awesome.

    A few weeks ago we had a conversation about our sexual histories as she was really curious about it for some reason.
    She was a virgin when she first came to uni, whereas I had only had sex with 1 person who I was with for about a year.

    She told me that in first year she had slept with close to 30 different guys. She also talked about how she had a competition with her friends during freshers where they would sleep with blokes of different sizes and ethnicities (e.g small asian guy, big black guy and so on).

    Personally I only have sex when I'm in a relationship with people I genuinely liked. I wasn't expecting her to be the same as me but I certainly wasn't expecting this. In fact I find it repulsive, and if I knew this before I fell for her I probably wouldn't have entered a relationship with her.

    I tried to act like I wasn't bother by it when she told me about it and to this day she has no idea that I feel this way about it.

    Now I can't get the thought of constantly seeing her previous conquests on nights out. I've also begun to notice that she acts really strange ushering me away from a group of guys that she recognises and making us take a different route to the bar.

    Her own sexual history nether really crossed my mind before she brought it up. But now that she's openly told me this I can't help but feel repulsed to the point where I do look at her differently now.

    Despite this I really love her to bits (she feels the same about me). Some of you might think I'm being stupid about it but its really bothering me and I dunno know how to get past it. I'm scared that this might destroy the wonderful relationship we had up until this point

    Any advice would be much appreciated

    Thanks
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    I can understand that it may not be pleasant to think about but you have to remember that some people like causal sex more than others, so aslong as she wasnt going around breaking up relationships, leading people on or cheating then it will have little effect on her approach to a relationship. I would find those traits far more worrying than the amount of people someone has slept with.

    She didnt plan for you, so dont guilt trip her for what she did before you arrived in the picture.
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    To be honest, it's not really anyone's place to comment on how things were before you get together. I know I'd be pretty miffed at the thought too though.

    Maybe she's trolling you though
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    I can understand that it may not be pleasant to think about but you have to remember that some people like causal sex more than others, so aslong as she wasnt going around breaking up relationships, leading people on or cheating then it will have little effect on her approach to a relationship. I would find those traits far more worrying than the amount of people someone has slept with.

    She didnt plan for you, so dont guilt trip her for what she did before you arrived in the picture.
    I wish she never started the conversation to be honest because I didn't want to know about what she got up to last year. Ignorance was definitely bliss here.

    Like I said before I haven't told her my true feelings about it and I've tried to shrug it off as nothing but I just can't forget. When we're out it's like I'm constantly being reminded and I really don't like the thoughts that go through my head.
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    To be honest, it's not really anyone's place to comment on how things were before you get together. I know I'd be pretty miffed at the thought too though.

    Maybe she's trolling you though
    Haha I hope she is trolling.

    I'm thinking about talking to her about my true feelings about it all when we get back to uni on the weekend. I'm hoping it might help me get over it.
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    That's disgusting, I honestly couldn't be with someone who has sex competitions with friends. 30 guys - I think they call that a slut.
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    I would also have a problem with this. I was in a similar situation, and just hated the idea of her not having some sort of emotional attachment with people before having sex with them. I wouldn't have minded if she had been in lots of previous relationships, but it was the casual sex that really bugged me, to be honest it made me feel sick.

    I think what it boiled down to was that, at some point in her life, she was perfectly happy about doing something intimate with someone that gave no sign they cared for her.

    I brought it up, and she partly was OK with it (viewing it as a sign that I care for her) but also was worried that it might become a problem in the future.
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    I would definitely take issue with it - I imagine it's because she's had sex with 30 guys who mean nothing to her, and you are now just another one on the list. She hasn't shown any sign that the people she sleeps with are close to her, so you worry that she doesn't think you're special. That's a perfectly rational reaction, and as I said, I would feel weird about it too. But if you're with her, and she seems to be genuinely into you, you may as well continue together.
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    For me the only issue would be having to see these guys.

    If it's in her past, then it's in her past, and though she had casual sex outside of your relationship, there is no reason to believe she will cheat on you.

    That in mind, I know I'd have a hard time getting over that initial reaction, and it would come up again if I kept seeing guys that I know had slept with her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    Basically I've been with my current girlfriend since the start of second year and our relationship so far has been awesome.

    She told me that in first year she had slept with close to 30 different guys.
    Well, if she had sex with 30 different guys in one year, and has stayed with you for a considerable length of time then at least that might mean that, in her eyes, you are a much better partner than they were.

    You're asking for advice on an impossible subject though. Some people have replied saying that it shouldn't bother you. I would say that it doesn't matter whether it should or should not bother you. All that matters is that it does bother you. Just decide how much it bothers you and whether, on that basis, you think the relationship is worth pursuing. It's a purely personal matter which no-one else can help you with, imo.

    (Original post by JagSan)
    That's disgusting, I honestly couldn't be with someone who has sex competitions with friends. 30 guys - I think they call that a slut.
    I think they call you a misogynist.
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    I can understand why your uncomfortable. It's too easy for people to dismiss your behaviour as immature etc but when I actually look at things through your point of view and try to put myself in your shoes I would be kind of uneasy too. That might sound harsh, but really after finding out that your gf has sleep with around 30 guys last year and engaged in a sex competition you kind of see her is a different light, kind of reckless behaviour, but that's just my values and opinion I guess. I wouldn't break up with her, but just knowing that around 30 different guys from your uni has banged your chick just last year doesn't rest easy with me. I would get over it but it would take a little time, I don't think you're overreacting, I also personally know plenty of girl who would be really disappointed if they found out their bf banged 30 girl in their first yr in some competition...
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    This personally would repel me like a foul stink, I'm sorry.

    I know that people are free to have casual sex etc and it's a free country, each to their own etc but the total marginalisation of it, having a competition and sleeping with people you're not even attracted to or don't know... that's so utterly converse to my own views on what sex should entail that I think we'd be such different people morally and that would condemn the relationship for me. I'd never see her as the girl I wanted.

    I did have a situation somewhat like this in my own Second Year, girlfriend with a promiscuous past in her first year. I tried not to let it bother me but I never felt comfortable with how many people had slept with her. Ultimately she cheated on me with 5 guys in 10 days. This isn't going to happen to you, it was just a bad experience and bad luck for me. Just qualifying why I perhaps have stronger views that I may otherwise have had.

    If it effects you, if you're unhappy to the point where it bothers you, then it's a problem and you should consider the relationship and whether, long term, she's the girl you want. You can't find the right person if you're with the wrong person.

    Best of luck. x
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    I'm not sure I would particularly like it, but if its clear that your relationship is more than sex I'd be happy, after all it's a fairly big change for her to make so you must have been worth it, right? I don't really understand some of the hate on her here, so what she liked having sex, just because someone has sex without an emotional attachment doesn't mean they aren't capable of one, I'd be more worried if the only was someone could express their feelings is through sex rather than anything else.
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    Feminists are always quick to jump on the "oh you're slut shaming" accusation or react by saying "it's none of your business what they did in past" when guys mention things like this. It became my business when I started dating her, and when there's a chance her past actions could have an effect on our present relationship. So no OP, you're voicing a very legitimate concern. And if the shoe were on the other foot as they say, girls would feel uneasy if their boyfriend and them were in this very same situation.
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    (Original post by Schichtoe)
    This personally would repel me like a foul stink, I'm sorry.

    I know that people are free to have casual sex etc and it's a free country, each to their own etc but the total marginalisation of it, having a competition and sleeping with people you're not even attracted to or don't know... that's so utterly converse to my own views on what sex should entail that I think we'd be such different people morally and that would condemn the relationship for me. I'd never see her as the girl I wanted.

    I did have a situation somewhat like this in my own Second Year, girlfriend with a promiscuous past in her first year. I tried not to let it bother me but I never felt comfortable with how many people had slept with her. Ultimately she cheated on me with 5 guys in 10 days. This isn't going to happen to you, it was just a bad experience and bad luck for me. Just qualifying why I perhaps have stronger views that I may otherwise have had.

    If it effects you, if you're unhappy to the point where it bothers you, then it's a problem and you should consider the relationship and whether, long term, she's the girl you want. You can't find the right person if you're with the wrong person.

    Best of luck. x
    Nice one - I sometimes feel alone in the opinion that, whilst sex before marriage is fine (and beneficial), you should have some sort of commitment / seriousness about a person before sleeping with them.
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    Hey mate, people's views are likely to be split on this, as you can probably gauge from the responses so far. My take on it is this:

    Don't act right now. Her outlook and yours are different when it comes to sex. So this has clearly upset you. If you do something now like talking to her about your feelings or deciding to end the relationship, it would be acting on something when you're not composed and this is never good! Give it some time and then reassess in a few days if it still bothers you and if so why?

    As some people have said, if its her past and she's not cheating on you, then there's nothing really to worry about. I agree, I may not be comfortable with it at the start. However, if she's a great girlfriend and you two are working well together, then think before you let this affect your relationship. If at the end of all the thinking, you're still repulsed at the thought, then you have to walk away. Its tricky but at the end of the day, you have to be in a relationship where you're comfortable. If this thought is never going to go away, its perhaps you walk away now before things get really serious and you fall for her even more.

    We can't know everything about a person before getting into a relationship with them. If you come across an issue such as this that affects you a lot, then its sort of unlikely the relationship can work in the long run. You have to compromise over little things or minor flaws, but "bigger" issues are up to the person and how they deal with it. Reverse the situation - would she be ok with you having slept with over 30 girls? Wouldn't that immediately throw warning signs of player? Some girls may be ok with that history, others won't. Same here.
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    (Original post by Ice Constricter)
    Feminists are always quick to jump on the "oh you're slut shaming" accusation or react by saying "it's none of your business what they did in past" when guys mention things like this. It became my business when I started dating her, and when there's a chance her past actions could have an effect on our present relationship. So no OP, you're voicing a very legitimate concern. And if the shoe were on the other foot as they say, girls would feel uneasy if their boyfriend and them were in this very same situation.
    If you are talking about me, i would have said exactly the same in my post to a girl whose bf had done the same.
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    I don't have a problem with it, I'd have shagged that many girls in freshers if I'd had the chance! I think having a girl so much more experienced would make me feel a bit insecure, but it does seem a petty reason not to be with someone.
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    Hmmm.. tough one, maybe see how it goes for the next few months/weeks, you never know she might end up being loyal/changed her opinion but if you're uncomfortable then end it. DO NOT listen to the rapid feminazis that will be after your head for ''slut shaming''. It's your choice and if you don't want a girl whose past disturbs you then you are free do act upon on this how you like ie by not dating such girls.
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    That's a hellavu lot of wieners buddies you have. I'd personally cut her loose, these thoughts once planted aren't the kind to go away too easily. You'll think about it at the worst times (like when having sex with her) and it will play with your mind. You're only in second year at University, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
 
 
 
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