I have a problem with my girlfriends previous promiscuity in first year

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I can kind of understand where you are coming from, I'm a virgin and my boyfriend who is two years older than me has been with over 25 girls. I only found out from him yesterday after being together for 2 months. I feel in a similar position, because he wasn't the kind of person I thought I would fall for and be with. I guess, you need to balance out your morals and your feelings, which is more important to you, realistically?

Reply 21

Mother_Russia

I don't see the problem with casual sex outside a relationship. The sex is completely different from when in a relationship. So I would (kinda) disagree with you on that.

That said, I don't the sound of it being a 'competition'. So I completely back you on that. I see that more of an issue than the casual sex issue. And 30 is a hell of a lot.

It's completely up to you. If it's something you can't get past, then break up with the girl. But I think you need to see past the casual sex aspect, when it comes to girlfriends generally. Just not on that level, in my opinion.

Reply 22

Redolent

This is a purely emotive thing so it's going to be difficult for you to overcome it by trying to think logically about it. I'd recommend you have a word with your close friends and see if they have any words of wisdom/support for you, maybe people you trust from back home. They will know you and will be able to tap into your state of mind better than people on the internet will.

Reply 23

The_Last_Melon

The reason it bothers you is that you could easily just be one of these thirty guys who ****ed her, you just happened to stick around and annoy her the least. Hardly foundations for a long-term relationship. Dump her ass, if she had any decency left she'd have kept it to herself.

Reply 24

play_fetch

Even the most promiscuous people I knew had maybe 15 guys tops.. I don't even know where someone finds the time or energy to sleep with that many people... It would definitely put me off, for a guy let alone a girl.. Classy.

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Reply 25

play_fetch

Slept with so many people has to avoid people at the bar- wow.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 26

SnoochToTheBooch

if she has no diseases then who gives a ****?

Reply 27

Mankytoes

Original post by Ice Constricter

Feminists are always quick to jump on the "oh you're slut shaming" accusation or react by saying "it's none of your business what they did in past" when guys mention things like this. It became my business when I started dating her, and when there's a chance her past actions could have an effect on our present relationship. So no OP, you're voicing a very legitimate concern. And if the shoe were on the other foot as they say, girls would feel uneasy if their boyfriend and them were in this very same situation.

How can you complain about slut shaming when they are calling her a slut? She's actually committed to a long term relationship, and been honest about her past when she could easily have lied.

It's a legitimate concern, but the language used by some people has been horrible.

Reply 28

g_star_raw_1989

She had a bit of fun- so what? If you can't deal with it then allow her and move on.

Reply 29

Olivia Sullivan

Hey

thought I'd add a female view on this since most of your replies are from guys :smile:

I guess the thing is rather than how many guys she has slept with is if she regrets those past actions or not. I've had friends who have done a similar thing through immaturity and then really regretted it afterwards and wanted a loving monogamous relationship. From her actions and the way she is avoiding the guys it sounds like she regrets it too so I would say try not to be too hard on her she might already feel terrible about it. We can't change the past even if we want to and despite her having done wrong in the past it doesn't change the great relationship you guys have and you have to try and not let it ruin that. I know it must be hard if I found that out about my bf I would be gutted but if the relationship is really great then its really not worth destroying over the past. :smile:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 30

Mankytoes

Original post by Olivia Sullivan

Hey

thought I'd add a female view on this since most of your replies are from guys :smile:

It isn't necessarily about regretting it. I'm very happy with my girlfriend and would never cheat on her, but if we split up I'd be having casual sex again until I met someone I really liked.

Reply 31

Millie228

I must say I am surprised she not only told you, but initiated the conversation. Most girls play down their number, but the girls I know with numbers that high tend to keep shut about it. Seeing as these guys are in your social circle, she must have felt she had no choice and that it was better that you heard it from her.

First of all, there is no reason to feel bad that it bothers you. We aren't obliged to date anyone, and if you choose to break up with her, nobody can call you misogynist or anything alone those lines. People can break up with someone for whatever reason they like. You are however obliged to accept it if you choose to stay with her. You cannot choose to be with someone and to love them and occasionally make them feel bad about their past choices. You either accept it completely and learn to live with it or you let her go.

Generally, promiscuous girls tend to end up with promiscuous men. People seek to others with similar attitudes towards sex, at least as far as they are aware of their attitude. Her actual partners aren't so much the problem (considering she used protection with all of them, which is worth asking) as the general attitude. The competition with her friends show a ridiculously immature attitude as well as a need for validation, which is very unattractive. It doesn't promise well for her future as a serious partner.

It's up to you in the end. Remember that you are young and you have attached to her as one of your first partner, but in the end, there are many many fish in the sea and the relationships we form at a very young age rarely last anyway.

Reply 32

Mankytoes

Original post by Millie228

You are really assuming the worst of her. Maybe she told him because she wants to be honest? She might not have been able to pretend to be a virgin, but she could have picked a much lower number.

Or maybe she was just having some fun? It's only sex. Like most teenagers don't need validation in some way.

What's impressive is the fact she must have known the nasty comments she'd get from people (girls worse than boys in my experience), but she did what she wanted anyway.

Reply 33

ETRC

She's probably slept with 30 more men while going out with you.

Reply 34

scrotgrot

Standard that's what happens to middle-class virgin girls when they come to uni. They suddenly realise how much power they have and go wild. She is almost certainly past it all now, it's crazy how uni changes your personality from year to year. I am as disturbed as you by her objectification of men but thinking about what uni's like it might as well have been 30 years ago...

Reply 35

username418231

Persuade her to get tested?

Reply 36

username447608

in all honestly and i will be negged for this, i would feel slightly disgusted if my boyfriend had done this. There is NOTHING wrong with one night stands and casual sex, if you want sex and your not hurting anybody go out and get it fine theres no issue with that but competing with other girls to see who you coulld shag only going with guys to try increase your number 30 inn the space of a year?? i couldnt deal with it, having to avoid groups of guys becuase theyve been around them all.

She may have changed and calmed down and its not fair to judge her but in all honestly if my partner had told me that it would change my view of them i think it takes a certain kind of person to behave like that. I think its especially worse as your like me and only believe in sex in relationships, maybe if youd had casual ons you wouldnt be bothered, but it seems you have conflicting morals

Reply 37

username447608

also if a guy had spoken about sleeping with woman based on size and ethnicity hed be called every name under the sun and told he was using girls and he was scum yet becuase shes a girl it seems to be okay? doesnt make sense girls are as bad as boys

Reply 38

MENDACIUM

Clearly someone who has slept with 30 people does not respect commitment and is a promiscuous moral-less woman.

Has she changed? I don't know, maybe she has, maybe not?

If you asked me, i want a woman who has dignity and a respect for relationships.

Reply 39

MENDACIUM

Original post by SillyMilly

You are right, but men are naturally polygamous by nature. A woman can only house one baby, a man has unlimited.

There are also more women on earth than men.

This is just nature though! I do agree with you, there are no human and moral excuses for men whatsoever.