Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    So there is a guy that I work with. Let's just say he's an indirect manager, not a person I report directly to, but we do work together a lot and he has more superiority than I do. He is 12 years older than me, is married with one child and two step children.

    When I first got to know him I really started to like him but I told myself to forget it and not to go there. As I've gotten to know him more I've learned that he is quite unhappy in his marriage. He says that him and his wife haven't had sex for like a year and before that they only had sex every couple of months and he would have to beg to get it. The consensus that I get from the whole thing is that they are not 'fighting on the verge of divorce' but they are having that 'slowly falling out of love, forgetting why I married you in the first place' type of thing.

    As I said above, we work together a lot. We get along swimmingly. I can tell that he really likes me just from things he says, the way he favourites me (even though I try not to let him) and just his body language in general (he always tries to hug me, touches me on the back/shoulder to get my attention instead of saying my name, etc. etc.). We can spend hours and hours talking about anything and everything. Tonight we decided to go for a drive together after work (terrible idea, I know) and we got to talking about life stories and lessons and decisions and all of that stuff and he told me that sometimes he really regrets marrying his wife and wishes that he had of found me first because he thinks we would be perfect together and would totally go for me. Me being the idiot that I am, told him that I like him too but never thought much of it because I know he is married. Then he looked like he was about to make a move and then his wife started calling him.

    I am just looking for a bit of input, positive or negative.

    I never thought I would be someone to condone getting involved with a married man but I really like him. I would do absolutely anything for him.

    So my main question is: I know it's terrible to get with a married man, but is it really that bad if their relationship is already on the rocks anyway?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    This is a very precarious situation. In my opinion I would say not to go there, he is twelve years your senior (not that age has anything to do with love) and is married with children. If he divorces his wife and then goes with you that would be more manageable but if he cheats on his wife and eventually he gets found out... Well let's just say his children will view their father in a completely different light. Please try to refrain if you can, but then again this is only my advice, i wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Ask yourself how you'd feel if you were his wife. Then make your decision.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Someone who cheats with you will probably cheat on you. If his marriage genuinely breaks down and both of them want to part ways then it's different but currently they're still together so I think you should avoid it.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    He will most likely never leave his wife for you - you are the other women that he will have a brief affair with before promising his wife and children that you mean nothing to him.

    If he did leave his wife for you, then you are making sure his children endure a horrific few years, you are devastating an entire family and he can't be as great a guy as you think he is if he would that to his wife and children.

    Leave it alone.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So there is a guy that I work with. Let's just say he's an indirect manager, not a person I report directly to, but we do work together a lot and he has more superiority than I do. He is 12 years older than me, is married with one child and two step children.

    When I first got to know him I really started to like him but I told myself to forget it and not to go there. As I've gotten to know him more I've learned that he is quite unhappy in his marriage. He says that him and his wife haven't had sex for like a year and before that they only had sex every couple of months and he would have to beg to get it. The consensus that I get from the whole thing is that they are not 'fighting on the verge of divorce' but they are having that 'slowly falling out of love, forgetting why I married you in the first place' type of thing.

    As I said above, we work together a lot. We get along swimmingly. I can tell that he really likes me just from things he says, the way he favourites me (even though I try not to let him) and just his body language in general (he always tries to hug me, touches me on the back/shoulder to get my attention instead of saying my name, etc. etc.). We can spend hours and hours talking about anything and everything. Tonight we decided to go for a drive together after work (terrible idea, I know) and we got to talking about life stories and lessons and decisions and all of that stuff and he told me that sometimes he really regrets marrying his wife and wishes that he had of found me first because he thinks we would be perfect together and would totally go for me. Me being the idiot that I am, told him that I like him too but never thought much of it because I know he is married. Then he looked like he was about to make a move and then his wife started calling him.

    I am just looking for a bit of input, positive or negative.

    I never thought I would be someone to condone getting involved with a married man but I really like him. I would do absolutely anything for him.

    So my main question is: I know it's terrible to get with a married man, but is it really that bad if their relationship is already on the rocks anyway?
    They've fallen out of love with each other so they can either divorce and find happiness or stay together unhappy for the sake of the child. It's not the best position for you to be in but you both like each other, and you're both adults so go for it. However ask yourself "is it worth it?" or can you wait until they divorce/separate etc.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    LOL people of TSR you should know by now that no matter what you say - she will still go ahead and do it.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    First of all "having to beg to get it" is pathetic regarding sex. No one of sound mind would actually "beg".

    Secondly, and I know a lot of people won't agree, you are the innocent party here. get involved as long as you feel you can handle the situation.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    What about the children? A relationship isn't always just between two people - it can effect others too. My dad cheated on my mum, and it effected us all. I hate the person who my dad had an affair with because she basically ruined our family, whether my mum and dad were in love or not. Do you really want to be that person? It's just selfish and evil to be the one to ruin a family, and that's a message to you and the man you work with. If he really wants to start a relationship with you or vice versa, you should at least have the courtesy to wait until he is divorced.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So there is a guy that I work with. Let's just say he's an indirect manager, not a person I report directly to, but we do work together a lot and he has more superiority than I do. He is 12 years older than me, is married with one child and two step children.

    When I first got to know him I really started to like him but I told myself to forget it and not to go there. As I've gotten to know him more I've learned that he is quite unhappy in his marriage. He says that him and his wife haven't had sex for like a year and before that they only had sex every couple of months and he would have to beg to get it. The consensus that I get from the whole thing is that they are not 'fighting on the verge of divorce' but they are having that 'slowly falling out of love, forgetting why I married you in the first place' type of thing.

    As I said above, we work together a lot. We get along swimmingly. I can tell that he really likes me just from things he says, the way he favourites me (even though I try not to let him) and just his body language in general (he always tries to hug me, touches me on the back/shoulder to get my attention instead of saying my name, etc. etc.). We can spend hours and hours talking about anything and everything. Tonight we decided to go for a drive together after work (terrible idea, I know) and we got to talking about life stories and lessons and decisions and all of that stuff and he told me that sometimes he really regrets marrying his wife and wishes that he had of found me first because he thinks we would be perfect together and would totally go for me. Me being the idiot that I am, told him that I like him too but never thought much of it because I know he is married. Then he looked like he was about to make a move and then his wife started calling him.

    I am just looking for a bit of input, positive or negative.

    I never thought I would be someone to condone getting involved with a married man but I really like him. I would do absolutely anything for him.

    So my main question is: I know it's terrible to get with a married man, but is it really that bad if their relationship is already on the rocks anyway?
    Obviously yes.

    Next...
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    If they break up then fine,but until then keep off of him
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Don't get involved with married men. You can do better.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...
    I think you should stay away. Until he actually divorces his wife, you have no guarantee that you are not just his bit on the side. Older guys can often woo girls who are younger than them with no intention of leaving the marriage they are in. You can do better.
    • Study Helper
    Online

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Study Helper
    This is the OLDEST line in the book. My wife and I are not getting on or 'she doesn't understand me like you do'.

    This is so fraught with booby traps and unhappy endings I don't know where to begin.

    He has a wife. By going with him you will be putting both her and the children at risk of losing their father and husband, security of the family home, incredible stress and trauma. Their whole life will be destroyed because he and YOU choose it.

    YOU have a choice and YOU would be choosing to put them through that by your own selfishness - yes selfishness.

    If it comes down to a choice (and believe me it will) he will choose his wife, children and home over you every single time.

    You will be forced to lie to cover up for him and for you.

    You will never meet his friends.

    When it goes belly up, **** will hit the fan at work. There will be messy, really messy, scenes with her turning up at the office and probably with the children. You will be called all the names under the sun and made to feel like a pariah.

    Your parents and friends will lose respect.

    She will have her children, marriage, security and future to fight for and you will have someone who will show you a different and not very pleasant side.

    And when he ditches you (he will) what will you be left with?

    Probably having to leave your job, heartbreak, guilt, remorse and emotional baggage to take you into the next relationship and having to reveal to your next partner you went with a married man.

    In short, Run, run away, run away now as fast as you can. It's not worth the heartache this will cause to so many innocent people.
    • #2
    #2

    I know you really like this guy and you won't believe me when i say this but i can almost guarantee he is playing you. A decent guy would not act this way, and if you want to be sure all you need to say is 'come back and see me when you're getting a divorce'.

    Because if you start to have a relationship with him before he is divorced, there is no turning back. You will begin an affair, you will both feel terrible, before you know it you'll be meeting in secret in times when he can get away from his wife and as soon as she calls he'll be running off, is that really what you envision for a relationship? Then most likely not leave his wife in the end because he doesn't have a lot of motivation to when you're giving him everything anyway, and leaving your wife and kids and throwing all that away is very very different from considering it. Plus she might catch you and how will you feel then when she asks, how could you do this. And how will he feel. Even if he left his wife you would both have to live with the guilt of what you have done, especially to the children, and most likely for him this guilt and this sudden divorcing and moving straight on to someone else will destroy your relationship. To come out of divorce is a big thing and it needs to be done for the right reason and he needs time to heal otherwise at most you can only be a 'rebound'.

    But the other option is he is already well aware he will never leave her and is looking for a fling. He is already making the playing you this big story of how his wife doesn't give him sex, which you don't even know to be true, making her look like the bad one and him this helpless victim that is too 'good' to leave his wife and needs a push or motivation...in the form of you. And now he's trying to get you alone and make a move on you.

    You will feel a bit heartbroken if you don't get involved with this guy and just leave him alone now, and may always wonder what if, but if you go down this road it is going to be a complete mess, a rollercoaster of emotions and in the end you are most likely going to get heartbroken and will feel like a complete jerk for what happenned, maybe the rest of your life. Just google some experiences of people who had affairs and you will see they all turn out very similar and the regret that people feel. It always ends with "i can't leave them, they're my husband/wife" and then you have wasted all this energy and done a terrible thing for nothing.
    • #3
    #3

    Hmm, he is married which is a pretty big deal. If he was unattached, it would be a different story.

    Apart from the whole married with kids deal, I'm in a similar situation with a guy at work. But I am normally quite sensible like you, and wouldn't condone it in normal circumstances.

    The thing with guys is that, they want a chase and a new thing. Something more exciting than what their life currently consists of. I know he probably seems like he can do no wrong in your eyes, but it's probably how he feels. Then, after the damage has been done, you'd be in terrible terms with him, and he'd be left with a broken family.

    Trust me it's hard to give this advice to you, because I'm in a similar situation myself, but.. cut your losses. In my situation, this guy at work is all I think about, but I need to put myself first. So do you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Me and a married woman kissed once. Drunk, three or four seconds. Cheating yes, but not a massive thing. You wouldn't imagine the grief this caused me and the hurt it caused her husband. One fairly quick kiss. The worst moment was when I was told that her little girl was wondering why her daddy had left home for a while. Again, one kiss. In short don't get involved with married people. Good luck!
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So there is a guy that I work with. Let's just say he's an indirect manager, not a person I report directly to, but we do work together a lot and he has more superiority than I do. He is 12 years older than me, is married with one child and two step children.

    When I first got to know him I really started to like him but I told myself to forget it and not to go there. As I've gotten to know him more I've learned that he is quite unhappy in his marriage. He says that him and his wife haven't had sex for like a year and before that they only had sex every couple of months and he would have to beg to get it. The consensus that I get from the whole thing is that they are not 'fighting on the verge of divorce' but they are having that 'slowly falling out of love, forgetting why I married you in the first place' type of thing.

    As I said above, we work together a lot. We get along swimmingly. I can tell that he really likes me just from things he says, the way he favourites me (even though I try not to let him) and just his body language in general (he always tries to hug me, touches me on the back/shoulder to get my attention instead of saying my name, etc. etc.). We can spend hours and hours talking about anything and everything. Tonight we decided to go for a drive together after work (terrible idea, I know) and we got to talking about life stories and lessons and decisions and all of that stuff and he told me that sometimes he really regrets marrying his wife and wishes that he had of found me first because he thinks we would be perfect together and would totally go for me. Me being the idiot that I am, told him that I like him too but never thought much of it because I know he is married. Then he looked like he was about to make a move and then his wife started calling him.

    I am just looking for a bit of input, positive or negative.

    I never thought I would be someone to condone getting involved with a married man but I really like him. I would do absolutely anything for him.

    So my main question is: I know it's terrible to get with a married man, but is it really that bad if their relationship is already on the rocks anyway?
    I know it is hard but you cannot get involved with this guy, this is not going to be what you want to hear but if you get involved with him it will only spell disaster for you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Don't. Your life will go downhill from there if you do



    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    There are so many reasons why you should be running a mile.

    If he truly is that unhappy, let him leave his wife and then you can explore what you have together.

    Don't be the reason why u cause a break up in a family.

    As things stand, he will use you, never give you what you want, and then dump you when you get too serious.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 9, 2013
Poll
Do you like carrot cake?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.