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Does she love me? Should I be selfish? Watch

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    Me and my Girlfriend have been together for nearly 9 months. We have both been out with other people, but this is the first proper relationship for both of us.

    My Girlfriend has depression, she told me this about a week into the relationship, offering me a guilt-free way out. I told her I could take it. Also, whilst she knows everything about my past relationships, she will only hint at hers, and I get the feeling that she isn't quite over a past boyfriend.

    In the past month, there have been 3/4 times where she has told me that she doesn't know if she is "in love" with me, or can't see our future. She tried to break up with me, or take some space, but is then back with me by the next day, claiming she is too attached. She blames this on her depression, and says that she always regrets trying to leave me.

    The problem is, I am now beginning to doubt if she loves me or not. Whenever she tries to leave, I always find a way of telling her that the reason she gives me isn't a good enough reason for us to break up, because she always says she is happy with me. I just get the feeling that she will keep trying these excuses until one works, does she love me?

    The other way of looking at things, is that she is being truthful, and her depression really is making her say these things. I told her I could take it, but it really hurts when I think I'm about to lose her. I love her so much and really don't want us to split up. Am I being selfish?
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    Not at all, I'd say that you're rightly confused. I would suggest asking her if she loves you on a 'good day' and asking her for the real answer as you can't take the worrying. If there is a reason she's unsure of if she loves you or not, ask if there is something you can work on as a couple to help the situation and see if you can rectify it. Hope this helps
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my Girlfriend have been together for nearly 9 months. We have both been out with other people, but this is the first proper relationship for both of us.

    My Girlfriend has depression, she told me this about a week into the relationship, offering me a guilt-free way out. I told her I could take it. Also, whilst she knows everything about my past relationships, she will only hint at hers, and I get the feeling that she isn't quite over a past boyfriend.

    In the past month, there have been 3/4 times where she has told me that she doesn't know if she is "in love" with me, or can't see our future. She tried to break up with me, or take some space, but is then back with me by the next day, claiming she is too attached. She blames this on her depression, and says that she always regrets trying to leave me.

    The problem is, I am now beginning to doubt if she loves me or not. Whenever she tries to leave, I always find a way of telling her that the reason she gives me isn't a good enough reason for us to break up, because she always says she is happy with me. I just get the feeling that she will keep trying these excuses until one works, does she love me?

    The other way of looking at things, is that she is being truthful, and her depression really is making her say these things. I told her I could take it, but it really hurts when I think I'm about to lose her. I love her so much and really don't want us to split up. Am I being selfish?
    As the above poster says, no wonder you are confused and not sure, the best thing would be to do is ask her for an honest answer. But it may be best to let her go if she isn't giving you a straight answer.
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    Sounds like a tricky one. If she doesn't know how she feels, then you've no chance of knowing.

    You're certainly not being selfish, that's for sure. If you were, chances are you'd have left it long ago. The fact you've stuck with her should be a sign to her that you really care.

    The flip side, however, is how long this has to go on for. Have you got the patience for this break up / get back together pattern to keep happening, perhaps indefinitely? If it doesn't stop, then you'll have a decision to make at some point. Of course you love her, but let's say you stay in the relationship for another year, and then you break up for real. Is it worth your emotional investment to stay in something so complex for just a little longer?

    It's hard to know what's going on in her head. As you say, it appears even she doesn't know sometimes. Depression isn't easily gotten over, and in some cases it can linger for decades. Perhaps she feels that she's hurting you by being with you, and hence her repeated attempts to break up? Perhaps it's not about whether she loves you or not, but that she just wants the best for you and, at times, feels that it isn't her? As you mentioned, she offered you a 'way out' early on.

    Ultimately, you have to decide what you want to do. If you want to keep at it, then keep at it and see how it goes. You'll have to have a serious think about it.
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    This looks scarily familiar.
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    I don't know what the above posters are talking about.

    It isn't tricky. It isn't confusing.

    You wrote: She is depressed. She says she is not sure whether she is love with you. She has tried to break up with you.

    Solution: Don't abandon her but make sure she gets help for her depression.
    • #3
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    Hi um my mum had depression and she always told my dad during her bad days she doesn't love him used to tell me and my sisters the same. But those are bad days and do not take her word on those days as she is still not reliable. As long as on the days she is feeling less depressed she still wants to be with you and you love her then just I would advise sticking it out. But of course I don't know the full details of the relationship,and to be honest with you depression is a very hard thing to live with for all parties concerned.
    I would just say you should only get worried about if she loves you if on the days she seems completely fine and happy she says she doesn't want to be with you
    Also if she hasn't already take your girlfriend to the GP they always try and give you anti depressants and if your GF is alright with taking them then get it although side effects can be really bad. But make sure your GF also asks GP for therapy as that in the long term does help
    Hope that your GF gets better and that your relationship is successful
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    So, I'm still not getting a straight answer out of her.
    Things are just awkward now, and I honestly have no idea what to do.

    I think I am rushing things, and should leave her time to come to terms with what she wants.. but it hurts. I need answers fast, but I'm scared that "fast" will mean us breaking up
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    (Original post by DorianGrayism)
    I don't know what the above posters are talking about.

    It isn't tricky. It isn't confusing.

    You wrote: She is depressed. She says she is not sure whether she is love with you. She has tried to break up with you.

    Solution: Don't abandon her but make sure she gets help for her depression.
    Which in itself is 'tricky', no? It's not just a case of 'getting help' like you would when you brake light stops working.

    Depression, and particularly how people react when depressed, is a very tricky subject. It's an illness that varies between individuals, with symptoms that show themselves intermittently.

    It clearly isn't as clear cut as you make out, or else the OP wouldn't have opened the thread.
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    (Original post by jwshaw89)
    Which in itself is 'tricky', no? It's not just a case of 'getting help' like you would when you brake light stops working.

    Depression, and particularly how people react when depressed, is a very tricky subject. It's an illness that varies between individuals, with symptoms that show themselves intermittently.

    It clearly isn't as clear cut as you make out, or else the OP wouldn't have opened the thread.
    No, not really. Just be there for her as a friend.However, remove the relationship part. IE taking out for meals/Sex.

    Getting help means seeing a counsellor at the very least. That is fairly easy.
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    (Original post by DorianGrayism)
    No, not really. Just be there for her as a friend.However, remove the relationship part. IE taking out for meals/Sex.

    Getting help means seeing a counsellor at the very least. That is fairly easy.
    Ok, thanks for clarifying.

    That's actually very good advice. Repped.
 
 
 
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