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Don't think I would/or can find another GF or attract girls. Any advice? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter


    I will try to keep this as concise as possible and brief!
    Basically I have little to no confidence what so ever in myself, or even self-esteem, that results in a whole manner of problems.

    Most specific to this thread, my ability to believe in myself 'to be attracting/attractive' to women, despite the fact I actually have a girlfriend, I never really had confidence.

    Me and my girlfriend have been having some troubles in our relationship the past few months..after 8 months of going out, and is my first real relationship.
    I felt great that I had found my GF (at age of 21!), because prior to doing so my life was upside down. I had just dropped out of uni (first year- living away). I had become very detached, despondent, and depressed about life. I had anxiety from the onset, during and prior to attending uni the first time round (as I am now at a different uni- living back home).

    In hindsight this is probably what caused me to go downhill. As well as issues coupled with SFE (student finance england), financial delays at start of course. In short, before uni I was painfully shy/anxious around others, more so in uni environment (lots of middle class folks) and thought I was inferior. Wouldn't talk to anyone, head down all the time...stayed in my room, unless coaxed out. More significantly, I used to shy away from any female attention I got. Always felt inferior to the women, never thought I'd match up.Never liked going out clubbing anyway, it just fueled my hatred for modern society.

    E.g. 'going out seeing girls pissed, and pulling/flirting with guys of whom I perceived to be much more desirable than myself'. I always wanted an attractive, intelligent nice girl (personality), but theses types seemed far from reality. I never had a great experience with females at college, never had many f/male friends back then.

    Basically, my stress and anxiety gave me lots of tension, my confidence took a huge hit. I couldn't focus on work due to financial burden, my mother kept sending me money. My work suffered, I used to skip lecturers because I was so ill and tired and low I couldn't get out of bed. Personal hygiene and the like just went out the window.

    I went through about 3 GP's and was prescribed Citalopram for my depression but primarily for social anxiety. I ultimately had to leave uni I was so distraught with myself and heartbroken, as I had made my dream of attending the uni I aimed for- now it was gone.

    I left uni came home, recovered, reapplied for a uni back home. Got in! Was so pleased because I always had high ambitions, and aspirations and education was no. 1 for me. Shortly after being accepted things seemed to go well for me...met my GF after a hesitant choice of going out to the pub and night out. Then I met her. At the time, I was just sick and tired of being some loner in a shell I pushed myself, after a few beers we got talking and I hit it off. She accepted, we being together ever since (8 months!).

    Uni is going great im achieving 60/70% in most modules as a first year, however despite this and other achievements I still feel low in confidence. Me and my girlfriend are having issues, and conflicts of personality. Her morals on sexual behavior are different to mine.

    Sometimes my anxiety causes me to make generalisations about things, therefore we argue I get low. I know this, but still can't control these symptoms. I mull things over in my head, get restless. I have been off meds for about a month or two now after voluntarily wanting to come of them, after notifying GP. Now things ain't going well, I feel I want to be on them again....

    The point is; I feel insecure about how I look, don't think I'm outwardly attractive to others. It isn't like I am an a**hole to girls. Personality wise I am told by others that I have a great personality. But all this doesn't matter if someone decides to look at you and after 1 min rejects you on looks. If this wasn't the case I think most people on this planet would be happier.

    i think my view of women never really helped, because all I see is those sorts of girls that go out. Dance around men (perhaps having a good time), flirt, kiss and god knows what else, I feel left out. I feel like sometimes they are vain and might reject me on looks.
    I'm of average height, however I look young for my age (21), and I have a very baby-faced look about me, whereas most the guys you see women with are tall, muscular, mature looking (stubble) and generally look well developed for their age. I'm not really none of the above. For a 21 year old I am 'boyish' some girls might say in features.

    I mean I'm with my GF right now, but in the event we split, it would destroy me. I would never be able to get another girl. Last time I went to my GPs (months ago) he told me that my irrational thoughts were ridiculous and that I should 'imagine myself 5/10 years on and think would I think the same, or think it was ridiculous?'
    But this only serves to annoy me. I feel like doctors can't help me anymore, I have no mental strength anymore....any advice?
    • TSR Support Team

    TSR Support Team
    Don't think about the thought of splitting up, at least you got a girlfriend, at the end of the day you got to be yourself and just go with the flow.

    Your last paragraph stumbles upon perhaps the best advice I can give you.

    Although you mention that doctors annoy you, there's very little else they can do besides recommend positive thoughts. This isn't a physical ailment that they can operate on; it's a state of mind that only you can change.

    It sounds on the surface like a very simple step to take, but as I'm sure you know, it's one of the most difficult things anyone can do. For so long you've had little self esteem, so it isn't going to sprout overnight.

    I think it's ultimately a matter of taking small steps - posting on this forum is a step in itself. You've recognised the issue, identified a few causes, and have sought help on the matter. And the fact that you are in a relationship is a good sign.

    Think about little things you can do to make you feel better about yourself. You mention that your personal hygiene suffered because you were so tired. Maybe make a point of upholding a good routine (if you don't already.) Take good care of your body, go for a jog once in a while, get a good aftershave. Little things like that will start to turn the tide. If you look and feel better, even if only because you smell better and are a little fitter, it can only be a good thing.

    To conclude, I have to echo the poster above. Thinking about the relationship ending will only dampen your mindset and, most likely, lead to it ending. Your girlfriend won't stick around if you're constantly negative about everything and indeed your own self. It won't make her feel great to think that the guy she's with thinks so little of himself.

    Putting in the effort to make yourself feel better and think more positively is, I can assure you, more beneficial for your relationship than not doing so. Think about doing it for her as much as for you.
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