Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

My friend - what would your reaction be? Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Please only reply to this if you are slightly older, experienced and have a somewhat informed view on sex and relationships.

    I have a very close friend, same age as me (22). We have been friends for quite some time but have grown closer over the past 6 months.
    We are both single and we both date occasionally. I can add we are both outgoing, feminine and quite attractive girls - there is no disparity between us in that manner. I have been dating a guy for a few months, on and off, not exclusive yet. She has various FWBs. We have both been in love in the past, a year ago we were both dating guys we were very infatuated with.

    She is far more into casual sex than I am. I have had an ONS in the past and I have dated several guys the past years which included sex. She has had a series of ONS, **** buddies and FWBs and a couple of monogamous relationships. I have known her number is quite high, but it isn't until recently I realized how far out her sexual behaviour is. She has primarily male friends, a few of which she is sexually interested in. She will steer conversation in on sexual topics and has on a few occasions sent naked pictures to them to encourage a flirt. In any sort of manner, she turns these 'friendships' into sexual encounters. Some of these guys know each other - for example she slept with the brother and cousin of her ex. She was recently on a trip with a male friend for a weekend. She met a guy she has now arranged to hook up with, the next evening she went home with a couple. She said the lesbian experience was not really her taste, but she has still arranged to meet up with them again, because "they booked a weekend here after all". She is sexting with three different guys at the moment and have two casual hookups "scheduled" for next week. Today she is meeting the guy she met last weekend, and it seems she has gone home with him. We also met a guy together she said was an absolute *******. Today she said "oh yeah, I went over there and we had sex". At this point, there are two new men every week. She has said that she enjoys having texts from these guys, but she isn't sure whether it is making her feel better or just annoying, as she's not that into them.

    Now while I would never practice this kind of promiscuity myself, I have no role in what others do. I do think it is a potentially damaging lifestyle in the long run but I try to live by the spirit of "don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you".
    However, I know that more often than not, such behavior is a result of insecurity and a need for validation (observe it much too often). In this situation there is a specific cause - the guy she dated a while back is still in her head. She confessed today that she is still upset about it and that any given moment, she can just flop together and cry. It is clear that something about her is just not right.

    I know that the UK is very feminist ("women sleeping around is empowering and cool"), and also very individualistic ("someone's behavior has no impact or relation to you"). While I do disagree with it, I am aware that's how a lot of young people today feel, to the point where I am not actually sure whether posting this on TSR is fruitful at all.

    She is a very close friend of mine though. I see her so often and am so much in touch with her that "leave her to it" is not really a solution, in the same sense that you wouldn't just ignore a parent or a romantic partner.
    I have sensed on a couple of occasions that the fact that I have a different attitude to sex and relationships is somewhat uncomfortable to her. She can appear embarrassed by her behavior even if nobody's pointed it out. If she's not even okay with her own behavior, there has to be something wrong. I cannot bear to be supportive of this lifestyle, but I don't feel comfortable criticizing it either. Is the solution to kindly ask her if she's ok?

    I am just looking for a bit of input if someone has a similar experience.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I had a friend who was very similar. We ended up falling out and not talking for over a year because of it. Like your friend she would have different sexual partners every night, sometimes even two on the same night! I knew she was embarrased by her behaviour but she boosted about it to other people as if it made it untouchable. I told her it wasn't healthy and that I can understand a couple of re-bounds after a bad break up but after 2 years of getting totally wasted and waking up in random strangers houses, it was ridiculous and that she really had to stop before she got hurt. She got herself into a lot of bad situations, getting inbetween other peoples relationships etc. After 2 years of trying to support her and telling her she doesn't have anything to prove, I told her if she was going to continue I didn't want anything to do with her because I didn't want to end up attending my best friends funeral (this was also related to her drinking mind you). Evidently she went out and got into more trouble and that was that, we didn't talk again until recently when she got back in touch and said that after a month or so of me not talking to her she began questioning what she was doing and why she was doing it and slowly got herself into a better state.

    It really does sound like your friend doesn't know how to cope with the breakup at all. I think these kind of habits are hard to break as well. Unfortunately, as a friend there isn't much you can do apart from either give them some harsh love (which really isn't easy at all) or stand by them and confront them with it. Of course, you won't know how she will react to you confronting her. Although, when I say confront, I don't mean be accusing, but more so bring it to light that it isn't healthy.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    She sounds like a slut if she's willing to be passed around a family like that- sleeping with the brother and cousin of her ex. Disgusting.


    The only time I have experienced something similar, was when I sat down to watch the Jeremy Kyle show a few weeks ago.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please only reply to this if you are slightly older, experienced and have a somewhat informed view on sex and relationships.

    I have a very close friend, same age as me (22). We have been friends for quite some time but have grown closer over the past 6 months.
    We are both single and we both date occasionally. I can add we are both outgoing, feminine and quite attractive girls - there is no disparity between us in that manner. I have been dating a guy for a few months, on and off, not exclusive yet. She has various FWBs. We have both been in love in the past, a year ago we were both dating guys we were very infatuated with.

    She is far more into casual sex than I am. I have had an ONS in the past and I have dated several guys the past years which included sex. She has had a series of ONS, **** buddies and FWBs and a couple of monogamous relationships. I have known her number is quite high, but it isn't until recently I realized how far out her sexual behaviour is. She has primarily male friends, a few of which she is sexually interested in. She will steer conversation in on sexual topics and has on a few occasions sent naked pictures to them to encourage a flirt. In any sort of manner, she turns these 'friendships' into sexual encounters. Some of these guys know each other - for example she slept with the brother and cousin of her ex. She was recently on a trip with a male friend for a weekend. She met a guy she has now arranged to hook up with, the next evening she went home with a couple. She said the lesbian experience was not really her taste, but she has still arranged to meet up with them again, because "they booked a weekend here after all". She is sexting with three different guys at the moment and have two casual hookups "scheduled" for next week. Today she is meeting the guy she met last weekend, and it seems she has gone home with him. We also met a guy together she said was an absolute *******. Today she said "oh yeah, I went over there and we had sex". At this point, there are two new men every week. She has said that she enjoys having texts from these guys, but she isn't sure whether it is making her feel better or just annoying, as she's not that into them.

    Now while I would never practice this kind of promiscuity myself, I have no role in what others do. I do think it is a potentially damaging lifestyle in the long run but I try to live by the spirit of "don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you".
    However, I know that more often than not, such behavior is a result of insecurity and a need for validation (observe it much too often). In this situation there is a specific cause - the guy she dated a while back is still in her head. She confessed today that she is still upset about it and that any given moment, she can just flop together and cry. It is clear that something about her is just not right.

    I know that the UK is very feminist ("women sleeping around is empowering and cool"), and also very individualistic ("someone's behavior has no impact or relation to you"). While I do disagree with it, I am aware that's how a lot of young people today feel, to the point where I am not actually sure whether posting this on TSR is fruitful at all.

    She is a very close friend of mine though. I see her so often and am so much in touch with her that "leave her to it" is not really a solution, in the same sense that you wouldn't just ignore a parent or a romantic partner.
    I have sensed on a couple of occasions that the fact that I have a different attitude to sex and relationships is somewhat uncomfortable to her. She can appear embarrassed by her behavior even if nobody's pointed it out. If she's not even okay with her own behavior, there has to be something wrong. I cannot bear to be supportive of this lifestyle, but I don't feel comfortable criticizing it either. Is the solution to kindly ask her if she's ok?

    I am just looking for a bit of input if someone has a similar experience.
    Yeah ask her if she feels comfortable with what's going on and whether she needs to talk stuff out with you. You seem like an insightful person and if you can lend a listening ear then you'd be an absoloute gem of a friend to her right now. I've sort of been in a similar situation with a friend but she did come out of it eventually and I'd think we'd both agree the sleeping around phase was something she just had to go through/ get out of her system til she settled down with someone new. To be fair your friend's probably feeling pretty insecure right now due to the old break up and feels the need for sexual exploration to take her mind off things.

    Personally I'm not surprised she wants to resort to this lifestyle for a while and I for one don't look down on it, so long as suitable protection is applied on every occasion. Males are undoubtedly enchanted with sexuality and all the possibilities that women represent; and a lot of them snap up opportunities to get with lots of women, hurting the good faithful girls on the way. I don't see why we can't behave in exactly the same way... use our assets for what ever kicks they can get us! Who cares anyway? You only live once, you might us as well live it up and not get chained down by yet another barstard who uses you and breaks your heart. If that's your friend's philosophy right now then this activity could be liberating and almost therapeutic in a way - just another way of looking at the same situation.

    But then again, if she is really hung up over this other guy, you are probably better off having a heart to heart with you about what's really going on below. Oh another thing, probably the more important thing than simply being sexually promiscuous is to talk her through the dangers of hooking up with random fellas especially on drunk nights out - you really don't know where they are taking you; how respectful they are going to be of your body and it can be a nasty fright if someone intimidates you or gets violent. I'd really hate it if that happened to your friend :/. At least if its FWBS she sort of knows the people but hooking up with randoms can be riskay. Also I know its sort of high school sex education and it'll probably piss her off if you bang on about it but SO many people forget to apply condoms properly when drunk so if she is doing it tipsy make sure she knows 100% she's got it on; wouldn't want her catching anything nasty/ a baby. Really drill that message home, because young girls get themselves into deep **** when they don't pay due attention to using protection.

    Just don't expect her to listen to what you have to say right away or want to change... it might take a fair bit of work and sometimes we just have to make our mistakes for ourselves! Above all it's good you care, make sure she knows it and I hope she turns out okay with all this stuff. Have that chat to make sure she knows what she's doing G'luck x
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Scotty Bear)
    I had a friend who was very similar. We ended up falling out and not talking for over a year because of it. Like your friend she would have different sexual partners every night, sometimes even two on the same night! I knew she was embarrased by her behaviour but she boosted about it to other people as if it made it untouchable. I told her it wasn't healthy and that I can understand a couple of re-bounds after a bad break up but after 2 years of getting totally wasted and waking up in random strangers houses, it was ridiculous and that she really had to stop before she got hurt. She got herself into a lot of bad situations, getting inbetween other peoples relationships etc. After 2 years of trying to support her and telling her she doesn't have anything to prove, I told her if she was going to continue I didn't want anything to do with her because I didn't want to end up attending my best friends funeral (this was also related to her drinking mind you). Evidently she went out and got into more trouble and that was that, we didn't talk again until recently when she got back in touch and said that after a month or so of me not talking to her she began questioning what she was doing and why she was doing it and slowly got herself into a better state.

    It really does sound like your friend doesn't know how to cope with the breakup at all. I think these kind of habits are hard to break as well. Unfortunately, as a friend there isn't much you can do apart from either give them some harsh love (which really isn't easy at all) or stand by them and confront them with it. Of course, you won't know how she will react to you confronting her. Although, when I say confront, I don't mean be accusing, but more so bring it to light that it isn't healthy.
    I had sort of this situation with my sister in the past. My sister is 5 years older and extremely promiscuous - possibly more than my friend. The difference is that my friend has a very "cool, easy going" attitude about her whereas my sister's insecurity is very evident. She has even confessed at one point that casual sex can be a "solution" to validate yourself as it proves someone finds you sexually attractive. The very ridiculousness of it is clearly not obvious to her - not even now. She is attractive, men check her out constantly, but it's not enough. She'll sleep with guys, many below her league, some above her league, and when she gets attached they obviously don't want more as they've already had what they need. She is 28 but is still messing about. I don't think she'll ever find anyone to settle down with, but as her little sister, it is not as of I can give her advice.
    I have sort of given up on her. Some girls tumble themselves into a feminist idea that casual sex is 'empowering' and 'liberating' and that men and women are the same when it comes to casual sex. But after some time they come to sense and see the world for what it is. My sister hasn't gotten there after 12 years of casual sex, so I am guessing she never will.

    There are several complications when having friends with a different attitude to you. My sister can never reject a man. Her entire self-esteem and character depends on validation from the male gender. If a guy walks up to us, she will rely on me to reject him. That makes me the "*****", or from the guy's POV, the "cockblocker" (because she gives the illusion of being interested even if she isn't). She will never be harsh on a man - being sexually attractive is the only attribute she cares about.

    I've had this experience so many times with my sister that I've stopped going out with her. With my friend it's not quite as bad, but even tonight I noticed it's gotten worse. If a man smiles at her and he isn't hideous, she'll start flirting, exchange numbers and give sexual innuendos. She has not reference as to her self worth, one guy being better than another or further potential. Although it sounds harsh, it feels a bit as though men are more important to her than women, as long as you have a penis she will try to impress you. Although she's always been promiscuous, she wasn't quite like this before. She was making out with another male friend tonight, and when I left the bar an hour ago, she showed me a text from a previous male friend who was booty calling her and saying she "probably had to go". There has definitely been a shift in her behavior, towards the worse.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 6, 2013
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brexit voters: Do you stand by your vote?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.