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    I have a male friend at uni (let's call him E) who came back last September from a year abroad. I didn't know him before then but have gotten to know him quite well since as he is in a couple of the same societies and we have many mutual friends including one of my best friends. As a consequence he's one of those people you can't really avoid seeing around campus/on nights out etc.

    The first few times I met him I thought he was really nice - for example, he was one of the team leaders for our camping expedition as part of the Duke of Edinburgh Society and I joined the society fairly late so he was like "We'd be really happy to have you if you joined our team." He is also quite good friends with some of my mutual friends as they are on the same course etc. However, I've found out he's extremely two faced and it's gotten to the point I can't stand him any more.

    He has a habit of being very nice to people in front of them when he wants something from them, but also acting like some wannabe alpha male and gossiping behind their back. He regularly criticises even his closest friends in quite a catty manner when they are not around - it's like he thinks he is better than everyone else. I was up about fifteen minutes later (at half-nine!) than everyone else on the first day of our DoFE expedition (though we had not planned to leave till twelve and had no plans to do anything else except sit around as everything was packed) and no-one was waiting for me, but he immediately snapped "Morning!" at me when he saw me as though I had done something wrong and then proceeded to question me for literally about five minutes as to what time I usually got up.

    E is good friends with some of my housemates and sometimes comes round to watch the football. I admitted once when we were all watching it that I didn't know most of the rules about football, and he said "I'll explain it to you... you try to get the ball into the opposite goal." A couple of weeks ago I was at home when he came round to see one of my housemates and knocked on the door calling out "Hi!" I was down promptly but didn't say anything back till I opened the door, upon doing so he said "Ah, I thought you were deaf." He is often quite rude to my face (he's a couple of years older than me) and even when he says stuff like "How was your day?" he makes it sound more like he's interrogating you. When I ask him questions about what's going on in his life he's always vague; when he asks questions about my life its as though he has a right to know and loudly judge. He does not speak to other friends to their face like this.

    I had a disagreement with a mutual friend recently over a society committee matter and it ended in quite a heated argument. He came to speak to me for ages after the society meeting which I thought was odd but I thought he was just trying to be nice as he didn't discuss that but asked what I'd been up to lately and so on. About five minutes later I saw him again in the on-campus shop on the phone to my friend (it was definitely her as he said her name a few times) saying something along the lines of "Oh, I've had a word with her, found out what she's been up to. Yeah, she's running for President of (X Society) soon, she's got no chance but apparently she's been really stressed... Apparently she only got a 2:1 in her exams, what's the point of working that hard?" I was completely appalled as he had just been nice to me so he could get more information to gossip behind my back with. He had even (apparently) been working on an important essay at the time but he spent about 15 minutes afterwards just talking to me so he could insult me behind my back! He then spoke to me the next time he saw me as though nothing was wrong. I had no idea what to say.

    He's one of those people who really wants to be popular (he ran for President of his hall in first year, but apparently didn't get many votes) but just doesn't have the personality to make it work (his closest friend group are all like him - catty, fake, and gossipy - and barely know anyone outside of their circle at uni). He also has a habit of criticising anyone successful at our uni (from society presidents to friends who get good grades), though he himself only has a job lined up as a teacher and isn't even getting a 2:1. He's got a car and can cook really well which is quite unusual at our uni, but he had to apply a year later as he messed up his A levels, so I dont get why he's so arrogant. I also don't get why he actively seems to hate me, though, apart from that. I'm usually a nice person but his two faced behaviour is beginning to piss me off.

    Advice on dealing with him (given that we have so many mutual friends some of whom I know he's already spread rumours about me to) till he graduates this summer? Should I have a word with him or just wait till he gets lost?
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    Yes I would dump a "friend" like this.

    You could have an out and out confrontation, but is it worth the effort? Given what a jerk he is, if it were me I'd find it hard not to get too angry / to stay in control, or to say something that could be turned against me. So I'd avoid it unless he does actually say something outrageous to your face (but he's not the type to do that).

    I would just give him the cold shoulder. When he speaks to you, make vague noises/dismissals "mm", "oh?", "fine", "whatever" instead of using meaningful words. Always be doing something else if he tries to speak to you, barely pay him any attention. Ask him to repeat himself / start talking about something else as though you weren't listening or following what he says. Walk away from him when you answer the door. Etc

    This will prevent him extracting any more information from you, it will rapidly kill any interaction he tries to have with you, and hopefully soon he will stop interacting with you altogether so you won't have to put up with him.

    He sounds like a coward so he won't confront you. "Such and such is ignoring me" is too lame (on his behalf) for him to ***** about surely. It could very easily backfire with him appearing clingy and oversensitive (and if approached about it, this is the impression you should give). If he does ***** about it to anyone, I'm sure they know him well enough to take it with a pinch of salt, or they're one of his awful friends - in which case why care?


    EDIT: If he says something actually getting at you, eg the football comment, plain ignore it. If he's in that nasty mood, just pretend he is invisible and mute. Stay calm. Act exactly as though he is saying/had said nothing or his speech is too muffled for you to hear. If you have to actually interrupt him to speak to someone else, do it. If you just say "sorry?" or "mm?" to something rude he's said, like you couldn't hear or it's just too deeply boring to properly address, and then quickly turn your attention to someone else, this will take the steam out of his sails.
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    (Original post by Pigling)
    Yes I would dump a "friend" like this.

    You could have an out and out confrontation, but is it worth the effort? Given what a jerk he is, if it were me I'd find it hard not to get too angry / to stay in control, or to say something that could be turned against me. So I'd avoid it unless he does actually say something outrageous to your face (but he's not the type to do that).

    I would just give him the cold shoulder. When he speaks to you, make vague noises/dismissals "mm", "oh?", "fine", "whatever" instead of using meaningful words. Always be doing something else if he tries to speak to you, barely pay him any attention. Ask him to repeat himself / start talking about something else as though you weren't listening or following what he says. Walk away from him when you answer the door. Etc

    This will prevent him extracting any more information from you, it will rapidly kill any interaction he tries to have with you, and hopefully soon he will stop interacting with you altogether so you won't have to put up with him.

    He sounds like a coward so he won't confront you. "Such and such is ignoring me" is too lame (on his behalf) for him to ***** about surely. It could very easily backfire with him appearing clingy and oversensitive (and if approached about it, this is the impression you should give). If he does ***** about it to anyone, I'm sure they know him well enough to take it with a pinch of salt, or they're one of his awful friends - in which case why care?


    EDIT: If he says something actually getting at you, eg the football comment, plain ignore it. If he's in that nasty mood, just pretend he is invisible and mute. Stay calm. Act exactly as though he is saying/had said nothing or his speech is too muffled for you to hear. If you have to actually interrupt him to speak to someone else, do it. If you just say "sorry?" or "mm?" to something rude he's said, like you couldn't hear or it's just too deeply boring to properly address, and then quickly turn your attention to someone else, this will take the steam out of his sails.
    Thanks very much. Yeah, I've tried ignoring him before, but all it ever does is seem to encourage him to continue giving me dirty looks and treating me like a pushover. I'm a bit younger than most of the friends in the friend groups we're in and I think he just seems to see me as beneath him. The problem is, he's actually quite nice to a lot of our mutual friends (even those who aren't his gossipy close friends), I actually thought he was really nice at first, but he's pretty judgmental and only treats certain people like that (he's a bit of a coward yeah). I was thinking about having a firm word with him but I'll try ignoring him for a bit more. If he continues acting this way I'll have to speak to him though.
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