Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Infidelity - options of prevention......

I was just thinking about the whole concept of fidelity and whether it is in fact healthy to adopt a socially constructed idea of having sex with just one person whilst in a relationship.

There's 2 areas of concern with a relationship concerning sex:

1. Not getting enough (usually the guy)
2. Sustaining an exciting sex life over a long period of time.

As for point 1, either party in a relationship will usually want more than the other - it's difficult to achieve a happy medium consistently. Now usually the guy wants it way more than the girl does, especially after a couple of years when the girl becomes more content in the r'ship and doesn't want it as frequently compared to the first 12 months say.

As a girl, i know that i don't give enough sex to my boyfriend - im more than satisfied having sex a few times a week because i like to leave it a few days so im 'reved up' for when i next have sex, whereas my boyfriend naturally, could have sex every day. So it got me thinking about fulfilling the other person's needs (the guy) and if i can fulfill them needs ALL the time.......

What is the answer really because if guys dont get enough, they will seek somewhere else (through opportunity or seeking it).

The question is whether women have too higher expectations to expect their guy to remain faithful - over the longer term - if they are not fulfilling their needs. So, is the answer to permit boyfriends to have no strings sex with other women (i mean a one night stand or swinging), as that will not change the love he has for his girlfriend?

Lets face it girls - hate to say it - there are millions of stunning girls out there and it is emotional battle all the time to be faced with the likes of porn and half naked women on nights out and think that we alone can keep our boyfriend's happy with just our own body.

Fidelity is socially constructed and sex is an innate need. Having sex with the same partner for the rest of your life seems romantic but is it realistic to believe that it will be enough - especially for guys?

When guys are unfaithful we are hurt because it was carried out without our knowing - the 'behind our backs' betrayal, ultimately. So, if there was honesty present in the relationship and your boyfriends love was clearly present in the relationship and he adored you, but just wanted no strings sex, is that such a bad thing?

I have a great sex life with my boyfriend - he has a much higher sex drive naturally than me, but we are very compatible. However yes there are times that i dont want it and he does - so im denying him of a basic human innate need. Is that not a bit selfish of me to deny him of something that is natural to the male species? He completely adores me - he demonstrably shows this verbally and physically - so if i permitted him to have no strings sex, this wouldn't really change his love for me would it? My fear is that he will find someone better and leave me - but that would only happen if he fell out of love with me. If he is mad about me, and just wants to have his needs met, then there is no fear of him leaving right? Men only leave relationships if they are not happy emotionally, so if i keep him happy emotionally (through sex and companionship), then what is the harm if i allow him to have sex with someone else (im talking not a regular girl, but a stranger on a night out or in a swingers club). As long as he doesnt fall out of love with me or stop having sex with me, then what is the real harm?

Having sex with one person for the rest of your life i believe is unrealistic - women simply want to be with one person emotionally for the rest of their life, and for men i believe they want the same, however when it comes to sex, it is natural for guys to want to do it with the female species - and there are lots of them out there - stunning women who we have to try and compete with all the time (subconsciously), so why not free ourselves of that anxiety and just have an honest relationship whereby he can have sex with whom he likes as LONG as he adores you, treats you well and is in love with you?

Im speaking as a 32 year old woman dating a guy of 25 for two years - he's a very good looking guy and i find it is an emotional struggle trying to compete with thousands of stunning women out there hoping he will stay faithful to me when in fact, why not just let that anxiety go (of the potential betrayal/secrecy) and just let him have sex with who he wants as long as i can see and feel he adores me.

Interested to hear your viewpoints :smile:

Reply 1

Treeroy

Original post by Anonymous

However yes there are times that i dont want it and he does - so im denying him of a basic human innate need. Is that not a bit selfish of me to deny him of something that is natural to the male species?

The things I could do with this reasoning... :colone:

Reply 2

Pigling

I think it's quite a patronising generalisation to say that all guys have a innate need for sex which they cannot control. I'm expecting to get a few jokes for this, but I actually think many/most men (including young men) have priorities ahead of sex. Having a good relationship with a loving partner just one of these.

Men may enjoy sex but they're not sex vampires, requiring constant doses to remain alive or happy, as is the myth. Besides which, the need for sexual stimulation and release is one that any man can at least learn to achieve, all by himself.

So no, I'm not going to allow my boyfriend to have sex with others, not least because I don't want to acquire disease or for him to have a child with someone else - but because also such infidelity would make me sad, and undermine the exclusivity of intimacy (sexual and emotional) that sort of defines our relationship. He wouldn't want me to have sex outside of the relationship, so I very much expect he understands and values the reciprocal feeling I have.

That said - other people define their relationships differently, and I'm not one to judge an open, swinging, or polyamorous set up if it suits others. But please - on the grounds of mutual "coolness with that", not because men can't help themselves and women have to compromise their feelings and values or be forever alone.

Reply 3

Speckle

I want sex more than my girlfriend but I would never cheat on her. I know how hurt I would be if she cheated on me, and I love her enough to not let her feel that way.

Reply 4

Teofilo

Original post by Pigling

I'm expecting to get a few jokes for this, but I actually think many/most men (including young men) have priorities ahead of sex.

You can have sex and watch football at the same time you know.

Reply 5

Alpharius

Can't just masturbate?

:erm:

Reply 6

Pigling

Original post by Teofilo

You can have sex and watch football at the same time you know.

Nuhuh. With my boyfriend, all sexual activities wait until half time, even BJ. EVEN BJ!

Reply 7

Teofilo

Original post by Pigling

Nuhuh. With my boyfriend, all sexual activities wait until half time, even BJ. EVEN BJ!

You should be offering advice to professional footballers.

Unlike you, they tend to go down very easily during football matches. :cool:

Reply 8

Journeyzap

I think I would rather have sex every day (and would happily do so) than allow my boyfriend to have NSA if in a relationship with me.

I think a minority of people would be OK with that, but for most I think a monogamous relationship is based on the exclusivity of physical and emotional intimacy and experience.

I won't judge or view people negatively who do this, but if a boyfriend of mine wanted such an arrangement, I think it would probably mean the decline and end of the relationship for me, as when I truly love someone, I don't really want to "share them".