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signs a guy could be abusive? watch

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    Ive recently been seeing a guy and hes told me a lot about his previous relationship- she was a control freak, controlled every aspect of his life, hit him etc.

    Hes also had a troubled childhood- abuse etc.

    When we went out on saturday I bumped into a guy mate who i hugged and he got quite jealous and he also got a bit annoyed that another guy checked me out.

    Also in our conversations it is very clear that he gets a kick out of dominating and causing pain in the bedroom (i know this is normal).

    I know these arent signs, but what ARE the signs? I have been in an abusive relationship before and I really dont want to fall into one again. But by the time im blinded by the love I ignore the abuse.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ive recently been seeing a guy and hes told me a lot about his previous relationship- she was a control freak, controlled every aspect of his life, hit him etc.

    Hes also had a troubled childhood- abuse etc.

    When we went out on saturday I bumped into a guy mate who i hugged and he got quite jealous and he also got a bit annoyed that another guy checked me out.

    Also in our conversations it is very clear that he gets a kick out of dominating and causing pain in the bedroom (i know this is normal).

    I know these arent signs, but what ARE the signs? I have been in an abusive relationship before and I really dont want to fall into one again. But by the time im blinded by the love I ignore the abuse.
    Firstly, that is NOT normal. Signs to look for are that he gets jealous easily, seems to want to control you etc. But ultimately you won't know unless he snaps at you, if you ever feel scared in his presence then consider why and if it was because of aggression end it. You should never believe your partner could hurt you.
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    I don't think there are any definitive warning signs. I think the main thing you can do is make it clear to him that getting annoyed that you have guys friends is not OK. If he apologizes (and doesn't do it again!) then fine, but if he makes out like it's your fault, you shouldn't see your guy friends etc. then that is certainly cause for concern.

    I agree, having a fetish for dominating in the bedroom isn't a sign of a problem, just so long as he doesn't put ANY pressure on you to do anything you don't want to!
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    (Original post by tory88)
    Firstly, that is NOT normal. Signs to look for are that he gets jealous easily, seems to want to control you etc. But ultimately you won't know unless he snaps at you, if you ever feel scared in his presence then consider why and if it was because of aggression end it. You should never believe your partner could hurt you.
    is it not?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    is it not?
    No. It's not a problem provided you're always consenting, and not a sign of being abusive (in fact some could argue that in channeling it into bedroom activities this actually means they're less likely to be abusive). But domination is a fetish, not the norm, and causing pain is a more niche fetish.
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    *Calls you every name under the sun
    *Stops you from seeing your friends/family
    *Flips out at the slightest thing
    *Wants you to spend all of your time with him
    *Checks your texts/emails
    *Threaten/blackmails you
    *Forces you into doing things, especially sex
    *Brings you down all of the time

    These are just the first few examples from the top of my head. Unfortunetly, there are many more examples
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ive recently been seeing a guy and hes told me a lot about his previous relationship- she was a control freak, controlled every aspect of his life, hit him etc.

    Hes also had a troubled childhood- abuse etc.

    When we went out on saturday I bumped into a guy mate who i hugged and he got quite jealous and he also got a bit annoyed that another guy checked me out.

    Also in our conversations it is very clear that he gets a kick out of dominating and causing pain in the bedroom (i know this is normal).

    I know these arent signs, but what ARE the signs? I have been in an abusive relationship before and I really dont want to fall into one again. But by the time im blinded by the love I ignore the abuse.
    The fact he got jealous over you hugging a friend is definite warning sign, if he's like this now, what's he going to be like about you wanting to spend time with friends if you do get into a relationship with him? He sounds pretty possessive and this has potential to turn into a controlling/abusive if things get more serious between you two.

    Also the part about the bedroom... a lot of people are into domination and it can be an enjoyable part of sex, but it seems a bit odd that he seems to have discussed it a lot with you considering you only started seeing him recently, and whilst domination is about having an unequal power balance during sex, it isn't necessarily about wanting to 'cause pain'. If he pressures you into doing things you are uncomfortable with, or you get the impression that he gets off on the idea of doing things to women that aren't consenting, this is a big warning sign. However if he respects your boundaries and wants sex to be about you getting pleasure as well as him, and you feel comfortable trying these things with him, then it can be a healthy part of sex and isn't a sign that he wants to control you in other aspects of the relationship.

    Any incidents where he tries to distance you from friends or family (or tries to make you feel guilty when you do see him), telling you where you can/cant go or who you are allowed to see, nasty verbal comments such as putting you down about the way you look or calling you stupid, being physically rough with you, pressuring you into sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, threatening you, checking up on you a lot such as wanting to read every text you receive, getting really angry during arguments instead of trying to talk things through, are all signs that you could be in an abusive relationship. Any time where you feel scared, threatened, unsafe, or feel like you have to 'walk on egg shells' around someone is also a sign you should get out.

    Try to keep a good support network of family and friends around you, ask them their opinion on this guy, keep in regular contact with them, and they will help you to realise if there is any warning signs and you will have more strength to end the relationship if need be, rather than getting into a situation where you are 'blinded by love.'
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he gets a kick out of dominating and causing pain in the bedroom (i know this is normal).
    Only for those who watch porn, since it happens to women a lot there. Then they try to re-enact them, convincing their partner "it's fine" and end up being abusive.
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    If you don't like pain, tell him that. If he refuses to cooperate, then tell him you won't have sex until he cooperates.

    This could make him more abusive, so maybe you shouldn't follow the above advice. See a counselor.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    is it not?
    ignore tory88, you can tell by their name that they're a virgin who has no idea about these kinds of things.

    tell your boyfriend to grow some balls. getting jealous of other guys looking at your girl is the epitome of beta male
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    (Original post by tory88)
    No. It's not a problem provided you're always consenting, and not a sign of being abusive (in fact some could argue that in channeling it into bedroom activities this actually means they're less likely to be abusive). But domination is a fetish, not the norm, and causing pain is a more niche fetish.
    please stop spewing this feminist propaganda
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)
    Only for those who watch porn, since it happens to women a lot there. Then they try to re-enact them, convincing their partner "it's fine" and end up being abusive.
    men are the scourge of the earth
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    Of course he will get jealous when other guys are checking you out..
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    (Original post by Shockolate)
    The fact he got jealous over you hugging a friend is definite warning sign, if he's like this now, what's he going to be like about you wanting to spend time with friends if you do get into a relationship with him? He sounds pretty possessive and this has potential to turn into a controlling/abusive if things get more serious between you two.

    Also the part about the bedroom... a lot of people are into domination and it can be an enjoyable part of sex, but it seems a bit odd that he seems to have discussed it a lot with you considering you only started seeing him recently, and whilst domination is about having an unequal power balance during sex, it isn't necessarily about wanting to 'cause pain'. If he pressures you into doing things you are uncomfortable with, or you get the impression that he gets off on the idea of doing things to women that aren't consenting, this is a big warning sign. However if he respects your boundaries and wants sex to be about you getting pleasure as well as him, and you feel comfortable trying these things with him, then it can be a healthy part of sex and isn't a sign that he wants to control you in other aspects of the relationship.

    Any incidents where he tries to distance you from friends or family (or tries to make you feel guilty when you do see him), telling you where you can/cant go or who you are allowed to see, nasty verbal comments such as putting you down about the way you look or calling you stupid, being physically rough with you, pressuring you into sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, threatening you, checking up on you a lot such as wanting to read every text you receive, getting really angry during arguments instead of trying to talk things through, are all signs that you could be in an abusive relationship. Any time where you feel scared, threatened, unsafe, or feel like you have to 'walk on egg shells' around someone is also a sign you should get out.

    Try to keep a good support network of family and friends around you, ask them their opinion on this guy, keep in regular contact with them, and they will help you to realise if there is any warning signs and you will have more strength to end the relationship if need be, rather than getting into a situation where you are 'blinded by love.'
    Thanks, this was really helpful. Seems a bit soon to tell tbh, and he said hes happy for me to have guy friends he has loads of female friends and so he wouldnt really be able to say anything anyway
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    (Original post by Johnny Christ)
    please stop spewing this feminist propaganda
    Well, I've never been called a feminist before... Which bit do you object to?
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    One of my exes was 'abusive'. Basically what he did was, as much as I can remember that I havent chosen to block from my memory- I couldnt talk to ANY males, the only males numbers i had on my phone were my brothers and my dads, I couldnt straighten my hair, or generally make myself look nice, the sound of my breathing 'annoyed' him, i couldnt wear heels cos the sound of heels on the ground annoyed him, i couldnt eat because the sound of chewing and cutlery hitting the plate annoyed him, i was ugly etc etc, made me feel like no one else would want me so id have no choice but to stay with him or be alone forever, he threatened to hit me (denied it all of course), if I didnt text him back quickly enough I was made to feel like a horrible person, I had to spend all my money on him... yeah basically if he treats you like crap and makes you feel like crap, say good bye. if you arent happy then why waste your time?
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    I would not judge him yet. But the fact that he likes to cause pain in the bedroom is certainly a sign that he has the capacity to be abusive. That's not a damning indictment; a hell of a lot of people do, much, much more than the minority who actually express it by being genuinely abusive. It is very likely that he is channelling this tendency into the bedroom, which is a relatively healthy way to deal with it.

    However, of course, you should make sure the activity is genuinely consensual, not causing you any actual harm*, and is not expressed outside of the bedroom.

    *as an example, throat-****ing causes throat cancer
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    (Original post by Chocolatesoup)
    One of my exes was 'abusive'. Basically what he did was, as much as I can remember that I havent chosen to block from my memory- I couldnt talk to ANY males, the only males numbers i had on my phone were my brothers and my dads, I couldnt straighten my hair, or generally make myself look nice, the sound of my breathing 'annoyed' him, i couldnt wear heels cos the sound of heels on the ground annoyed him, i couldnt eat because the sound of chewing and cutlery hitting the plate annoyed him, i was ugly etc etc, made me feel like no one else would want me so id have no choice but to stay with him or be alone forever, he threatened to hit me (denied it all of course), if I didnt text him back quickly enough I was made to feel like a horrible person, I had to spend all my money on him... yeah basically if he treats you like crap and makes you feel like crap, say good bye. if you arent happy then why waste your time?
    Im seriously sorry to hear that. It sounds awful for you. How did you get out?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Im seriously sorry to hear that. It sounds awful for you. How did you get out?
    eventually realised i wasnt happy, but it was hard to see when youre the one experiencing it if that makes sense? like if youre made to feel so low you dont view the situation as bad and use your head and just leave haha! everytime i broke up with him he would send me texts saying he was going to kill himself etc so i always went back to him.. the only way to get him out my life was to cheat on him so he'd hate me and not want to be with me! i dont agree with cheating but for me it was the only thing I could do.
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    (Original post by Johnny Christ)
    please stop spewing this feminist propaganda
    What the hell are you on about mate? Next you will be saying paedophilia is the norm...
 
 
 
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