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    Anonymous because I know people on here.

    Okay. So I've been best friends with this one guy since we were about 12 years old. We're now 17. I always had lingering feelings for him for ages, but I decided he was my friend and us both coming from conservative and traditional Asian families, I didn't say anything.

    A few months ago, he came out with it. Said it killed him when any other guy asked me out or even showed an interest. Told me he loved me. Said I was his world and he couldn't live without me.

    First guy to tell me that and I'd always liked him, so... please don't judge me TSR. I kinda told him I loved him too. At the time, I half convinced myself I did.

    But we decided not to go out, just to remain friends because we'd ruin the friendship, break our parents' trust and everything. But it kinda got messed up because neither of us knew where our boundaries lay now we'd established we liked each other. A hug? An hour long cuddle? A kiss? All happened.

    At the moment, im questioning everything. I dont know if I love him, yet he constantly comes out with the the sweetest stuff while im all confused. Im still breaking my parents' trust which I feel so awful about. I dont know if it will last so what's the point? He reckons we're going to get married and everything.... and im just so confused. It sounds good but I keep doubting it.

    He loves me so much though, its so obvious in every single thing he does. I dont want to be confused. But I know we can't go back to to being just friends. But I don't want to carry on feeling guilty when he asks me if I love him and I say yes... or when I lie to my parents when I go and see him. Or when he kisses me, despite us trying not to be in a relationship. Im the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship, not him... which I also feel bad about.

    What do I do? Please please help me. I dont want to hurt myself or him.
    • #1
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    Guys please? Anyone?

    Really would appreciate any advice at all.
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    You're both still very young, a lot will change in the next few years.

    I think you need to have a very long conversation with him about your long term dreams and ambitions, see if they match up.

    I think it's also important for you to try to establish why you don't feel intense love for him. The absence of love is fear - what are you afraid of? Answer this question and then I think everything will become clearer, then you can start to think about how you're going to explain your list of worries to him, without creating any misunderstandings. You can then talk it through and come to an appropriate decision. Hopefully the conversation you have will relieve you of your fears and allow you to feel the love, if it's there. I think you do love him - 5 years as best friends and you still don't know? Perhaps you just need assurance that if things don't go so well, you can go back to being just friends. He probably has worries too - I think he's worried that if he doesn't act soon, he could lose you to someone else and then regret it for the rest of his life, so I think that's why he's trying to get you to commit to something (in his mind, before it's too late). Trying to see things from his perspective should really help. Again, you're both very young and I think, ideally, you would find a way to remain close friends, and have some sort of mutual understanding that it's a huge decision and you're not quite ready yet to know if it's what you want, but also it would be nice if you could find a way to show him that you understand his perspective and assure him that you do really like him and aren't even considering anyone else (unless you are). Remember - don't look for ways to manipulate each other or for the "right thing" to say, just look for ways to express your honest thoughts and feelings with each other, to establish understanding and clarity.

    Ultimately, you should realise that love isn't something that just happens, love is more than just a feeling that you have forever and ever, regardless of what happens. It's a way of living - whether you choose to be in a romantic relationship or not, you should treat each other lovingly just because it's a nice thing to do and put lots of effort in like doing kind things for each other.
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    i know what you mean about the whole trust thing with your parents...
    at the end of the day, it's your life, and sometimes you need to do things for yourself, rather then stop yourself because youre so worried. thats what people lack in life, the courage to go one step ahead..
    as long as you're still respectful to them, and love and care for them, but if you still feel youre breaking their trust dont do it.

    but life is way too short, so try and figure out how you feel, even if that means meeting him. because the last thing you want is to grow old and think 'what if' or 'what if i was strong enough and had the courage to do things but was too worried about my parents' dont think too much into it.
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    The truth shall set you free.

    Look, I'm not judging you (much), but you DID do a stupid thing in telling him you loved him back when you weren't totally sure. It's okay, everybody makes mistakes. But by now, there is no way you're gonna get out of this without upsetting someone. It happens.

    The question is, are you gonna wait until it builds up more and more, so that he ends up even more upset, or are you gonna come clean today and explain that you weren't sure how you felt and you feel terrible, but you don't really feel the same and it's better he finds out now than later?

    As for your parents, I think the guilt games are ridiculous.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anonymous because I know people on here.

    Okay. So I've been best friends with this one guy since we were about 12 years old. We're now 17. I always had lingering feelings for him for ages, but I decided he was my friend and us both coming from conservative and traditional Asian families, I didn't say anything.

    A few months ago, he came out with it. Said it killed him when any other guy asked me out or even showed an interest. Told me he loved me. Said I was his world and he couldn't live without me.

    First guy to tell me that and I'd always liked him, so... please don't judge me TSR. I kinda told him I loved him too. At the time, I half convinced myself I did.

    But we decided not to go out, just to remain friends because we'd ruin the friendship, break our parents' trust and everything. But it kinda got messed up because neither of us knew where our boundaries lay now we'd established we liked each other. A hug? An hour long cuddle? A kiss? All happened.

    At the moment, im questioning everything. I dont know if I love him, yet he constantly comes out with the the sweetest stuff while im all confused. Im still breaking my parents' trust which I feel so awful about. I dont know if it will last so what's the point? He reckons we're going to get married and everything.... and im just so confused. It sounds good but I keep doubting it.

    He loves me so much though, its so obvious in every single thing he does. I dont want to be confused. But I know we can't go back to to being just friends. But I don't want to carry on feeling guilty when he asks me if I love him and I say yes... or when I lie to my parents when I go and see him. Or when he kisses me, despite us trying not to be in a relationship. Im the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship, not him... which I also feel bad about.

    What do I do? Please please help me. I dont want to hurt myself or him.
    I enjoyed reading this because it relates to my daily life.
    I'd recommend that you tell him that you aren't comfortable with the kissing/hugging/cuddling (and sex perhaps?? ) because you feel like your breaking your parents trust.
    If the guy still insists on you guys making out, he is just using you for your "Vag" .

    As far as loving this guy is concerned, do you get jealous when he is with someone else?!? If yes, you do like/love him.

    Don't think too much into marriage right now :/. You are only 17! . Not all relationships stand the test of time .
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by mindgames7)
    You're both still very young, a lot will change in the next few years.

    I think you need to have a very long conversation with him about your long term dreams and ambitions, see if they match up.

    I think it's also important for you to try to establish why you don't feel intense love for him. The absence of love is fear - what are you afraid of? Answer this question and then I think everything will become clearer, then you can start to think about how you're going to explain your list of worries to him, without creating any misunderstandings. You can then talk it through and come to an appropriate decision. Hopefully the conversation you have will relieve you of your fears and allow you to feel the love, if it's there. I think you do love him - 5 years as best friends and you still don't know? Perhaps you just need assurance that if things don't go so well, you can go back to being just friends. He probably has worries too - I think he's worried that if he doesn't act soon, he could lose you to someone else and then regret it for the rest of his life, so I think that's why he's trying to get you to commit to something (in his mind, before it's too late). Trying to see things from his perspective should really help. Again, you're both very young and I think, ideally, you would find a way to remain close friends, and have some sort of mutual understanding that it's a huge decision and you're not quite ready yet to know if it's what you want, but also it would be nice if you could find a way to show him that you understand his perspective and assure him that you do really like him and aren't even considering anyone else (unless you are). Remember - don't look for ways to manipulate each other or for the "right thing" to say, just look for ways to express your honest thoughts and feelings with each other, to establish understanding and clarity.

    Ultimately, you should realise that love isn't something that just happens, love is more than just a feeling that you have forever and ever, regardless of what happens. It's a way of living - whether you choose to be in a romantic relationship or not, you should treat each other lovingly just because it's a nice thing to do and put lots of effort in like doing kind things for each other.
    Hey, thanks so much for your reply.

    I guess I'm really frightened of upsetting my parents and family, although other people might find that stupid, I know that I could never be happy with him after making my parents feel bad.

    I have explained this to him, and he says he feels the same way but when he's with me, he forgets all about everything else. Unfortunately, I cant do that, because of other issues about whether or not its going to last.

    What would be the point of carrying on with this while feeling guilty and then if it all came to nothing... then what?

    On the other hand, he's my best friend, I know he'd do anything for me. I do love him I guess... though I constantly second guess myself. We can't go back to being just friends. Nor can I really carry on like this.

    Although I've talked to him, and he thinks we should just put aside the guilt, im still questioning it. Any more advice?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Yidette)
    The truth shall set you free.

    Look, I'm not judging you (much), but you DID do a stupid thing in telling him you loved him back when you weren't totally sure. It's okay, everybody makes mistakes. But by now, there is no way you're gonna get out of this without upsetting someone. It happens.

    The question is, are you gonna wait until it builds up more and more, so that he ends up even more upset, or are you gonna come clean today and explain that you weren't sure how you felt and you feel terrible, but you don't really feel the same and it's better he finds out now than later?

    As for your parents, I think the guilt games are ridiculous.
    Thanks for your reply.

    I know it was an awful thing to tell him I loved him when I was confused. I still am confused, but I know that I'd do anything for him. I'd hate to see him with anyone else. He's my bestest friend. That all means something right? Im confused because im guilty I think, but my question basically is, is it right for me to carry on with this when this guilt is making me question everything.

    Advice is appreciated.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by bahjat93)
    I enjoyed reading this because it relates to my daily life.
    I'd recommend that you tell him that you aren't comfortable with the kissing/hugging/cuddling (and sex perhaps?? ) because you feel like your breaking your parents trust.
    If the guy still insists on you guys making out, he is just using you for your "Vag" .

    As far as loving this guy is concerned, do you get jealous when he is with someone else?!? If yes, you do like/love him.

    Don't think too much into marriage right now :/. You are only 17! . Not all relationships stand the test of time .
    Trust me. He's not using me at all. Every single one of my friends tells me he's always talking about me, he does so much for me, he was always there for me as a friend and he never ever ever would hurt me. I know that.

    Which I also feel bad about. Why am I the only one putting my foot down, thinking about our family and all. We're young like you said, but I don't want to then make my parents feel bad, break their trust and for this relationship to break down and come to nothing.
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    So basically you've been attracted to him for years, and when he finally shows reciprocation, you lose interest.

    Not even being sarcastic when I say, pretty typical.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey, thanks so much for your reply.

    I guess I'm really frightened of upsetting my parents and family, although other people might find that stupid, I know that I could never be happy with him after making my parents feel bad.

    I have explained this to him, and he says he feels the same way but when he's with me, he forgets all about everything else. Unfortunately, I cant do that, because of other issues about whether or not its going to last.

    What would be the point of carrying on with this while feeling guilty and then if it all came to nothing... then what?

    On the other hand, he's my best friend, I know he'd do anything for me. I do love him I guess... though I constantly second guess myself. We can't go back to being just friends. Nor can I really carry on like this.

    Although I've talked to him, and he thinks we should just put aside the guilt, im still questioning it. Any more advice?
    No more advice comes to mind, I'm afraid.

    Parents can be difficult, maybe write them a really long letter explaining your situation then they have time to think about it before reacting? I can't imagine that they would ban you from seeing him, would they? They only want what's best for you, don't be scared of them! Or maybe your friend could speak to them? It's hard to know what to say as I don't really know what your parents are like.

    You said it yourself really. Your post reminded me of the story "We're going on a bear hunt" with the whole "can't go back to being friends" "can't carry on like this" "oh no! I have to go through with it!" thing.
    • #2
    #2

    As a fellow indian girl myself been in the same situation i'd advise you to tell them - it killed me to keep lying to them and eventually i ran out of excuses. The told me not to see the guy again but after talking to them in a mature way i explained that i really liked him and he made me happy and they just explained that they didn't want to see me hurt - we had a proper heart to heart and they eventually agreed to keep letting me see him. I think your parents really care about you and if you don't sneak around they'll give you more respect and freedom. If you aren't sure about the guy maybe take some time away from him to see that it's really him you love and miss.
 
 
 
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