Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Is it wrong to judge someone based on who they have slept with? Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    In the following, I use 'judge' to mean 'decide if you'll go out with', rather than anything more official. I don't think it is something you should do, but neither is it something you shouldn't do. People make (excluding rape) conscious decisions to have sex with people, or put themselves in positions where they're more likely to have sex with people (get drunk), and I think it is fair enough to judge someone on the choices they make.

    Perhaps more fundamentally, it makes sense to judge someone on why they undertake certain actions, as that tells you about their personality, and hence if they 'match up' with you.

    A lot of people say things like you shouldn't judge someone on how many people they've slept with, and I think to some extent that's true, since it's more their motives that matter, but there's still correlation between someone's attitudes towards sex and how many they've slept with (taking age into account too), so their 'number' is still a good indicator of that aspect of someone. Given our busy lives these days (increasing numbers of people using the internet to find someone, for example), it makes sense to use such indicators to speed up one's search.

    So, is it fair to take into account people's reasons for having/not having sex when determining (attraction is subconscious for the most part, but you can steer yourself away) potential romantic relationships?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Is someone has slept with 15+ people they're probably riddled with disease, but you could just use protection. If you like them as a person, it shouldn't matter (unless they've slept with total mingers- do you want to be imagining that during sex?!!)
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hopple)
    In the following, I use 'judge' to mean 'decide if you'll go out with', rather than anything more official. I don't think it is something you should do, but neither is it something you shouldn't do. People make (excluding rape) conscious decisions to have sex with people, or put themselves in positions where they're more likely to have sex with people (get drunk), and I think it is fair enough to judge someone on the choices they make.

    Perhaps more fundamentally, it makes sense to judge someone on why they undertake certain actions, as that tells you about their personality, and hence if they 'match up' with you.

    A lot of people say things like you shouldn't judge someone on how many people they've slept with, and I think to some extent that's true, since it's more their motives that matter, but there's still correlation between someone's attitudes towards sex and how many they've slept with (taking age into account too), so their 'number' is still a good indicator of that aspect of someone. Given our busy lives these days (increasing numbers of people using the internet to find someone, for example), it makes sense to use such indicators to speed up one's search.

    So, is it fair to take into account people's reasons for having/not having sex when determining (attraction is subconscious for the most part, but you can steer yourself away) potential romantic relationships?
    I don't think you can judge what is morally right or wrong. I think it would be wrong to judge people by there reasons for not going out with somebody, as everyone has their preferences, and some would like a partner who has not slept around. That's just them, and it is not right or wrong. The same way you cannot judge somebody for how many people they have slept with, as it is their choice.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Financechick)
    Is someone has slept with 15+ people they're probably riddled with disease, but you could just use protection. If you like them as a person, it shouldn't matter (unless they've slept with total mingers- do you want to be imagining that during sex?!!)
    Doesn't how many people someone has decided to sleep with tell you something about their person? Sure, if you don't care about that aspect of their personality, then no need to bother, but it is part of them.
    (Original post by the mezzil)
    I don't think you can judge what is morally right or wrong.
    As I said in the first sentence, 'judge' just means whether you'd go out with them or not, nothing more.
    I think it would be wrong to judge people by there reasons for not going out with somebody, as everyone has their preferences, and some would like a partner who has not slept around. That's just them, and it is not right or wrong. The same way you cannot judge somebody for how many people they have slept with, as it is their choice.
    That's precisely why you can 'judge' them for it - these are the decisions they've made, and hence show what sort of a person they are.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hopple)
    Doesn't how many people someone has decided to sleep with tell you something about their person? Sure, if you don't care about that aspect of their personality, then no need to bother, but it is part of them.

    As I said in the first sentence, 'judge' just means whether you'd go out with them or not, nothing more.


    That's precisely why you can 'judge' them for it - these are the decisions they've made, and hence show what sort of a person they are.
    You can't judge people though for having a preference, since it isn't a choice. I do not make the choice to be repulsed in the thought of going out with someone who has slept casually with 30 + men. It's a thought, not a choice or a decision. Also I don't think it is fair to think "oh she's dirty as she has slept with 30 + men." Her moral reasoning is probably different to mine, so I do not judge her for her actions, just her reasons for doing so and whether they are in line with mine. For example, she may reason that because she was in a relationship with them then that is fine, which suits my moral reasoning. However, she may also think it is okay because it was casual one night stands, which does not follow my moral reasoning. However, I do not attack her for it, I just do not agree with her choice.

    Get me?
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    probably wrong, but it doesn't stop it happening. If i really liked someone and they'd slept with loads of people i could live with it but it would put me off-i don't like the idea of the whole uni/social circle having shagged my boyfriend.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by the mezzil)
    You can't judge people though for having a preference, since it isn't a choice. I do not make the choice to be repulsed in the thought of going out with someone who has slept casually with 30 + men. It's a thought, not a choice or a decision. Also I don't think it is fair to think "oh she's dirty as she has slept with 30 + men." Her moral reasoning is probably different to mine, so I do not judge her for her actions, just her reasons for doing so and whether they are in line with mine. For example, she may reason that because she was in a relationship with them then that is fine, which suits my moral reasoning. However, she may also think it is okay because it was casual one night stands, which does not follow my moral reasoning. However, I do not attack her for it, I just do not agree with her choice.

    Get me?
    I didn't say anything about attacking I think we mostly agree, except for one bit - if you would like to save time, would it make sense to reject/avoid someone based on how many people they had slept with on the balance of probability as to why they slept with so many people? To go with your example, an 18 year old who had slept with 30+ people can't have had that many serious relationships, so is likely to be the 'casual one night stand' sort of person who you'd avoid.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I would judge them yes. I would judge them mercilessly. If a person has no self-respect why should I respect them?
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    I think it's wrong, or at the very least short sighted.

    I think that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, it's good that you're on the same page as them with regards to sexuality. So, yes, it does make sense that if you see sex as a really deep emotional experience that you'd rather share with a few people you love than a lot of people you find attractive, you shouldn't go out with someone who sees sex as something fun to do that isn't predicated by deep feelings.

    However the number of sexual partners doesn't necessarily tell you anything about someone's attitude to sex NOW. Number of sexual partners is obviously about someone's behaviour in the past. If you're talking to a 25 year old who's slept with say 30 people, it's completely possible that they slept with say 27 of those 30 people during sixth form and maybe the first year of uni, then rethought their attitude to sexuality and calmed down a bit, possibly making them a good partner for you.

    Alternatively it could be the other way round - someone who's only slept with one or two people but wants to sleep with way more. They might not be a good partner for you even if their "number" would suggest they are.

    Bottom line - don't make assumptions, talk to people. A single number tells you nothing.


    (Original post by Financechick)
    Is someone has slept with 15+ people they're probably riddled with disease, but you could just use protection. If you like them as a person, it shouldn't matter (unless they've slept with total mingers- do you want to be imagining that during sex?!!)
    No, that's wrong, it's perfectly possible to have a high number of sexual partners and still be free of STDs (I read somewhere that prostitutes actually contract HIV at a slightly lower rate than the general populace because they tend to be quite hot on safe sex, but I can't remember the source so it could be wrong). And almost all STDs are curable, so even if someone got infected in the past they could be clean now
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    I think it's wrong, or at the very least short sighted.

    I think that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, it's good that you're on the same page as them with regards to sexuality. So, yes, it does make sense that if you see sex as a really deep emotional experience that you'd rather share with a few people you love than a lot of people you find attractive, you shouldn't go out with someone who sees sex as something fun to do that isn't predicated by deep feelings.

    However the number of sexual partners doesn't necessarily tell you anything about someone's attitude to sex NOW. Number of sexual partners is obviously about someone's behaviour in the past. If you're talking to a 25 year old who's slept with say 30 people, it's completely possible that they slept with say 27 of those 30 people during sixth form and maybe the first year of uni, then rethought their attitude to sexuality and calmed down a bit, possibly making them a good partner for you.

    Alternatively it could be the other way round - someone who's only slept with one or two people but wants to sleep with way more. They might not be a good partner for you even if their "number" would suggest they are.

    Bottom line - don't make assumptions, talk to people. A single number tells you nothing.
    You're right that it isn't a definite link, but would you agree that there's significant correlation? If so, then on the balance of probability it makes sense to guess - generally you're not going to ask someone how many people they've slept with before going out with them, only see how they conduct themselves, and you're certainly not going to ask them why they slept with so and so. There are plenty of people out there, so you might as well go for those who you think you have the best chance with, rather than hooking up with the first person you see and trying to force it to work.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    I'd generally suggest not making decisions about who to date or not date based on such limited information. Relationship compatibility is such a complex thing. Why not just go to dinner with whoever you're interested in, talk to them, see if you have similar interests and can get along well, before starting to draw conclusions from their sex life?

    Because even if you have identical attitudes towards sex, if you can't have an enjoyable conversation with them or go out and have a good time with them it's not going to work. The best romantic relationships are when you're best friends who are also in love.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    I'd generally suggest not making decisions about who to date or not date based on such limited information. Relationship compatibility is such a complex thing. Why not just go to dinner with whoever you're interested in, talk to them, see if you have similar interests and can get along well, before starting to draw conclusions from their sex life?

    Because even if you have identical attitudes towards sex, if you can't have an enjoyable conversation with them or go out and have a good time with them it's not going to work. The best romantic relationships are when you're best friends who are also in love.
    Ah, but what if you're faced with two people where the only difference you know of is that one has slept around more than the other? Chances are, they'll have different attitudes towards sex, so you go for the one who's probably more compatible with you.

    Yes, ideally you end up being best friends with your spouse, but everyone starts off as strangers, and you're trying to pick the stranger who is most likely to become your best friend - or at least not pass over a more likely potential partner for a less likely one.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    When on earth are you ever faced with two people who are identical in every way except their levels of promiscuity?

    And you don't have to rush into a relationship. If I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue a relationship with someone I try to just spend time with them - hang out at theirs, invite them out with my standard group of friends, chat to them on FB. You can do that with more than one person at a time. There is absolutely no reason that you would need to commit to a long term relationship (or even short term) with someone without getting to know them as a person beforehand.

    Don't judge people based on superficial information. First impressions are often wrong.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Basically get to know someone before committing to them (or you'll have your heart broken).
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hopple)
    Doesn't how many people someone has decided to sleep with tell you something about their person? Sure, if you don't care about that aspect of their personality, then no need to bother, but it is part of them.
    Personally, it matters to me.

    Sometimes a person's actions speak louder than their words - so of course, getting to know them through their own words is crucial, but I would also consider their behavior, which to me implicitly reflects their attitudes, beliefs and personality. Same applies for other things: their hobbies, the way they dress, their body language. For me these are all clues to a person's personality.

    I admit that, as another user mentioned, you can't form your decision on one single factor (a person's past sexual history) as it is possible that the person later regrets their actions and has a shift in their attitude towards sex.

    So, it doesn't tell you everything about the person but it is a factor to consider when getting a feel of what the person is like.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Financechick)
    Is someone has slept with 15+ people they're probably riddled with disease, but you could just use protection. If you like them as a person, it shouldn't matter (unless they've slept with total mingers- do you want to be imagining that during sex?!!)
    You're an idiot. Of course they're not riddled with diseases.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    When on earth are you ever faced with two people who are identical in every way except their levels of promiscuity?
    I said the only difference you know of. Say there are two people in a different department at work who you don't really know but seem interesting.

    And you don't have to rush into a relationship. If I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue a relationship with someone I try to just spend time with them - hang out at theirs, invite them out with my standard group of friends, chat to them on FB. You can do that with more than one person at a time. There is absolutely no reason that you would need to commit to a long term relationship (or even short term) with someone without getting to know them as a person beforehand.
    You're right, but given that there are so many people out there, it makes sense to be somewhat fussy - not because you feel someone is beneath you, but on the probability that they are/aren't compatible with you. You make some immediate (subconscious) decision as to whether you're attracted to someone based on the little bits of information you have available such as their appearance, how they dress, talk and so on, and how many people they've slept with is one more piece of information likely to be floating around, be it in rumours or what you've actually seen them do.

    Don't judge people based on superficial information. First impressions are often wrong.
    It's not superficial though, is it? It's their actions, their choices. Yes first impressions are often wrong, but unless you're arguing the correlation between the number of people someone has slept with and their attitudes towards sex is the opposite to what is commonly accepted, then there's no harm done.


    (Original post by SaharaDesert)
    Personally, it matters to me.

    Sometimes a person's actions speak louder than their words - so of course, getting to know them through their own words is crucial, but I would also consider their behavior, which to me implicitly reflects their attitudes, beliefs and personality. Same applies for other things: their hobbies, the way they dress, their body language. For me these are all clues to a person's personality.

    I admit that, as another user mentioned, you can't form your decision on one single factor (a person's past sexual history) as it is possible that the person later regrets their actions and has a shift in their attitude towards sex.

    So, it doesn't tell you everything about the person but it is a factor to consider when getting a feel of what the person is like.
    Yeah, I agree with that.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    NO. A whores a whore is a whore.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hopple)
    I said the only difference you know of. Say there are two people in a different department at work who you don't really know but seem interesting.

    You're right, but given that there are so many people out there, it makes sense to be somewhat fussy - not because you feel someone is beneath you, but on the probability that they are/aren't compatible with you. You make some immediate (subconscious) decision as to whether you're attracted to someone based on the little bits of information you have available such as their appearance, how they dress, talk and so on, and how many people they've slept with is one more piece of information likely to be floating around, be it in rumours or what you've actually seen them do.

    It's not superficial though, is it? It's their actions, their choices. Yes first impressions are often wrong, but unless you're arguing the correlation between the number of people someone has slept with and their attitudes towards sex is the opposite to what is commonly accepted, then there's no harm done.
    You're talking as if you have very little time to decide who to invest in. Yes, be fussy, obviously, don't settle for someone you're less than smitten with, but don't discard people off hand either. Take it easy, keep an open mind, socialise with a wide variety of people, and date people who you're truly attracted to body and mind.

    I think it is fairly superficial personally...I haven't found a particularly strong correlation between number of partners and personality, and - frequently - only a loose correlation between attitude to sexuality and number of partners, particularly among people who have a low number of partners - sometimes that's lack of opportunity more than anything. People who have had a high number of partners do tend to see sex as for funtimes rather than for emotional intimacy, but even then attitudes can change quite fast.

    Also, two people might have similar amounts of casual sex but very different reasons for that number of partners. Some people see casual sex as a type of self-discovery and use it to explore new facets of themselves in a relatively consequence-free environment; others are just out to collect as many notches on the bedpost as possible; other people use casual sex as a type of self-harm (risk seeking behaviour); others just don't have many inhibitions when they're drunk and might well regret it the next morning.

    The point is just a number can't tell you much at all. Definitely take into account someone's attitude to sex, but don't assume that a simple number can tell you what that attitude is. I guess taking that number alongside a lot of other information might be more useful, but just a number in isolation tells you next to nothing of value.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hopple)
    I didn't say anything about attacking I think we mostly agree, except for one bit - if you would like to save time, would it make sense to reject/avoid someone based on how many people they had slept with on the balance of probability as to why they slept with so many people? To go with your example, an 18 year old who had slept with 30+ people can't have had that many serious relationships, so is likely to be the 'casual one night stand' sort of person who you'd avoid.
    Yes I think that would make sense, and I think it is a fair reason to reject someone on the basis on how many people they have slept with.
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.