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    Hello,

    I'm running for head boy at my 6th form, and I'm looking to make my poster quote the best it can be both grammatically and in everyday sense.

    I'm not too sure on the adjective 'prosperous' because to me it implies wealth, not a better education. Also, I know it's conventionally correct to have a comma before a name, but does it make the clause 'vote, Jake Elsley' not flow?

    Here's the text in reference:

    Since joining the IIVI Form Campus, I have wanted to take a proactive position within the campus: a position that would enable me to develop the sixth form into an even better place for yourself and for the future students.

    To be elected as your Head Boy will enable me to carry out these tasks, and it will ensure the prosperous future for yours, and your generation’s sixth form.”


    Make the right decision: vote, Jake Elsley.
    Thank you,

    Jake.
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    Needs more buzz words, andby that I don't mean steal some but invent one. They're made by doing this:


    Take a word, find a word that means same thing, then find a word that means something similar.

    Develop ---> Grow---> Nourish

    Thats just a 10 second example, and not a great one, but that's how people get elected. Give the impression you're saying something without actually being accountable as having said it :innocent:

    After that, take away the stuff about when you joined and what you want. Give off the impossible impression that you've always been there, you're tied to the position, it would be socially abnormal not to vote for you. You don't 'want' anything, you're just a bit of a hero.

    At the moment your prospectus is just a bit bland :sad:
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    I agree with the above poster (Hal.E.Lujah).

    At the moment, you are just saying you're going to improve the Sixth Form. Isn't that what is expected anyway? All the other candidates will be doing the same. Perhaps talk about your Sixth Form and make them feel included in your statement. Use specifics about what you want to improve and make them want you. Tell them what makes you stand out over every other candidate running.

    With regards to the comma, remove it. It should read 'Vote Jake Elsey'. Otherwise, it sounds like you are telling candidates to vote but not necessarily to vote for you.

    Good luck, all the best in your campaign! :cookie:
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    (Original post by jakeelsley96)
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    Since joining the IIVI Form Campus, I have wanted to take a proactive position within the campus: a position that would will enable me to develop the sixth form into an even better place for yourself and for the future students.

    To be elected aAs your Head Boy I will enable me to carry out these tasks, and it will ensure the a prosperous future for yours, and your generation’s sixth form.”

    Make the right decision: vote, for Jake Elsley.
    Suggested changes are marked. But the original and the update are very light on what "these tasks" (see second paragraph) are. You should add some details.
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    Hello everyone, thank you for your replies.

    I'm not really sure inventing a word would be the best option, as people may not understand its meaning, but I will take not on including my policies in the quote, and definitely on making it seem more personal to the students.

    Pastaferian, thank you for the suggested edits - I will consider what you have said, and yes, I will ensure I say what my policies are.

    Thank you

    Jake.
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    I'd suggest that prosperity is almost completely associated with financial success and as such is an inappropriate choice of word.
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    Norton1, yes I think so to. Can you think of a more fitting word?
 
 
 
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