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Don't want sex - will this kill my love life? Watch

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    I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).

    Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.

    P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
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    Uh, you'll probably have to find a guy who feels the same. I'm not sure many people, guy or gal, could realistically manage it - you're basically asking them to abstain for what could be years under the assumption that it will all definitely work out in a happy and perfect way.
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    If you make it clear close to the start of a relationship I don't see why it would really be a problem..?

    I mean sure, its going to be difficult for a guy, but if he really wants to be with you and he can accept it... its how you choose to live your life. People must do it.

    Also, there is a lot of fun you can have without sex, its not like you are completely abstaining.

    Honestly, quite a few guys probably will be put off - but I'd guess these would be people you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with if they were.

    Try it, if you really have trouble with guys leaving you when you tell them you can always re-assess your decision...
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    There are guys like that. Personally I would agree on this if I had strong feelings for that person. However realistically, the majority will demand sex.
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    It is not a bad thing at all to have strong morals and religious beliefs. But non Christians may want an active sex life which may become a strain on the relationship. Best thing to do is to find someone compatible with you as a person and your religious views and morals it doesn't matter if they are Christian or not. If you both agree on not having sex until marriage then it should be fine.

    There are plenty of guys there who share the same views as you.

    Best of luck.
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    When you like a guy you will be throwing tantrums to have sex
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    There's nothing wrong with guys who have a problem with this They aren't pigs. They'd be fine if it was for a few months but frustration would surely kick in, I imagine your best chance is with someone who shares your views. Initially it won't hold you back at all.
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    (Original post by SpiggyTopes)
    Why not tell him to use a condom if you just don't want to get pregnant?
    You might want to read the opening post again.
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    You never actually mentioned your exact reason for abstaining. What is it?
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    I respect you for having strong personal beliefs, however, in a relationship it is only a natural thing to be physically and sexually attracted to someone, and your partner may have a hard time in not being able to have their needs fulfilled if they don't share the same opinion as you. There are plenty of guys out there who will share the same view as you, but they are hard to come by.

    Have you thought about joining a local Christian union or something, where you will have the chance to meet like minded guys?
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    I'm curious as to why you're restricting yourself for no logical reason. If this is how you feel now, then fair enough, but you may not always feel like this and I think you ought to at least be open to that before you completely restrict yourself to no sex before marriage

    This sort of statement can really put pressure on a relationship because its something you have to establish when the relationship has barely begun and saying no sex will happen in this relationship unless it ends in marriage is a big statement. It almost comes with the expectation of marriage. I won't get started on my views on marriage but I don't think restricting yourself completely at this point is a good idea. Wait until you're in a relationship and then decide how you feel about the future and the person you're with.
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    After a couple of months, frustration would kick in for me. Can't lie.

    You're pretty much limiting yourself to devoutly religious and asexual guys. They do exist though, so shouldn't be a problem.

    If its not because of religion, or because of risk of pregnancy, I'm very curious as to why you want to maintain chastity. Is it due to a low self-esteem regarding your body?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).

    Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.

    P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
    I have a friend who has the same philosophy and she just meets guys through the Christian Union at her uni - lots of them aren't hugely serious Christians but think the same about sex before marriage.
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    It's usually better to have experienced sex before marriage as it helps you just as much in finding a compatible partner.
    • #2
    #2

    I'm a girl and if my boyfriend decided that he didn't want to have sex until marriage, it wouldn't be the lack of sex which upset me, more the loss of the trust and emotional intimacy which comes with it.

    I am not trying to change your mind, as you have every right to make your own decisions, but there are lots of reasons why having sex before marriage (in a loving, safe relationship) can be a mature and healthy part in the development of the relationship so even if you do find a guy who thinks the same as you, the relationship may still have an odd dynamic.
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    Nah it won't kill your love life, but don't get your hopes up as you're obviously limiting your options a lot, and frankly, most of the guys who have "chosen" not to have sex probably only say that because they can't get sex, maybe including myself. I don't know, I've never asked anyone!

    I'm a guy and I also have no interest in sex at this moment in time, although for slightly different reasons, perhaps.

    I agree that the bible shouldn't be taken literally, in fact I appreciate that all religions are essentially the same. The message is quite simple really, don't be afraid and treat yourself / everything around you generously and lovingly. That's all there is to it, and I think everything else is based on superstition and the placebo affect of having faith. Well, that's not entirely what I meant but I think you understand what I'm trying to say.

    I don't quite know why I don't want sex yet, I guess I'm just not comfortable with the idea of being intimate with more than one person so I want to be absolutely certain that I've found "the one" before I commit to anything. Also, I'm not in a place right now where I feel ready for sex - I haven't really found myself yet, or at least, I'm not yet the man that I want to be, I'm not doing the things that I want to be doing and I've just been through a difficult time health-wise. Plus there are better feelings than an orgasm... people roll around laughing when I say this but the feeling I get just from making eye contact with a girl puts me in a happy place that I could stay in forever.

    So we're out there, don't give up!

    Where are you likely to meet a guy like me? Not in the pubs/clubs, that's for sure. I'm not really putting myself out there at the moment, but if I was putting myself out there then I'd be really into health/fitness, I'd be doing voluntary work, I'd be campaigning for animal rights or something... just anything I can think of that is helpful and loving, plus fun things like dancing and singing, maybe even acting although I think it'll be a while before I'm confident enough to do something like that. We tend to be very humbled and shy (but appreciative) from bad experiences in our past. Like other people have suggested, attending church things, christian unions would be great.

    But even if you go to those sorts of places, I guess it's hard because you can't just drop the line "oh and by the way, I don't want sex" into a conversation until you really get close to someone, so you'll probably get your heart broken many times before you find your man. Myself, I've come to peace with the fact that I'm unlikely to find someone because I'm so specific about who I would want to be with and I refuse to settle for less, plus I have a number of personal issues that are likely to put most girls off. I don't get upset by this thought at all, in fact I'm happy because it means I can dedicate more of my time to trying to do my bit for world peace. My attitude now is, if the right girl comes along then great, but if not then that's great too! But if you're more definite about wanting to find a life partner, then I would strongly suggest that you join a dating site because your requirements are so specific.

    Anyway, if you're around the same age as me (20) then I invite you to PM me for a chat, we're probably not compatible but might as well find out as I like what I've read so far! But I absolutely won't be upset if you say no.
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    (Original post by JerzyDudek)
    the majority will demand sex.
    I would suggest that any boy/man who demands sex is not worth bothering with
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).

    Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.

    P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
    I started a thread on this recently, it seems there are a lot more of us girls waiting for marriage than there are boys.

    It is definitely something you have to establish early on in a relationship, even though it can be a right mood killer, and as someone else mentioned, it brings up the whole marriage thing which is quite a serious thing for a new couple to talk about.
    (I actually started kissing a boy at a party, we disappeared off to somewhere quiet and I had to stop him and explain that it wasn't leading to sex )

    From personal experience, even if you do manage to find a non-abstinent guy who is happy enough to abstain to be with you, it's much easier if the guy is abstinent.

    I dated a guy for 2 years who had had sex prior to our relationship, but abstained while he was with me. I constantly had a little niggling feeling that he begrudged me for the lack of sex. It wasn't long after we broke up that he started sleeping with girls again.

    Whereas my two boyfriends prior to that were religious so it was much easier because it was a mutual decision.

    It's not going to be easy to find a guy who believes the same as you, I am just about to finish my 3rd year at uni and have only met 2 guys who are saving sex for marriage. I too had considered joining the Christian union but I find that my particular uni's CU seems really judgmental and defensive so I dunno if it's for me.
    Perhaps your uni's one is a bit more inviting.

    Hope this helped!
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    (Original post by Hanvyj)
    If you make it clear close to the start of a relationship I don't see why it would really be a problem..?

    I mean sure, its going to be difficult for a guy, but if he really wants to be with you and he can accept it... its how you choose to live your life. People must do it.

    Also, there is a lot of fun you can have without sex, its not like you are completely abstaining.

    Honestly, quite a few guys probably will be put off - but I'd guess these would be people you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with if they were.

    Try it, if you really have trouble with guys leaving you when you tell them you can always re-assess your decision...
    You could just as easily say that if she really wants to be with a guy, she should have sex with him. Wanting sex doesn't make you a bad person. You can make these rules, but you could lose someone special by not being willing to compromise.
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    Well blowjobs and anal won't get you pregnant!
 
 
 
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