Don't want sex - will this kill my love life?
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Yes you can OP, though it's difficult.
Feel free to PM me about it for some heart to heart. I've been there, done that so I can help
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Feel free to PM me about it for some heart to heart. I've been there, done that so I can help
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Original post by TenOfThem
I would suggest that any boy/man who demands sex is not worth bothering with
Definitely. But many (probably not majority, yes) will not stay in a relationship without sex.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
There are probably guys out there that feel the same way, no necessarily religious but might want to save it for the right one.
Original post by JerzyDudek
Definitely. But many (probably not majority, yes) will not stay in a relationship without sex.
That is a different issue
I would not have wished to be in a sex-less relationship when I was in my early 20s
But I would have chosen not to be in the relationship rather than demanding sex
Thanks to everyone for all the advice.
I'm abstaining because I don't want to sleep with a guy before I can be really sure he's committed to me. It has nothing to do with insecurities lol, I exercise and put a lot of effort into my appearance and am quite happy with the way I look, though I guess I get the sharp end of the stick when it comes to guys only wanting one thing from me as I'm quite girly-girl as well. Obviously no-one can ever be 100% sure a guy is committed, but at the same time if you're married to someone there is a difference to just being in a relationship with them.
I have a few close guy friends who've been with their girlfriends for 1 or 2 years, aren't exactly sure that those girls are right for them (to the point of asking me and other female friends for advice on whether to break up/take a break) yet are still continuing those relationships because they're afraid of being single (partly due to the lack of sex should they break up). I wouldn't say it's exactly using their girlfriends for sex (obviously they still care about them) but they aren't convinced those girls are "the one", yet I know some of their girlfriends and they believe they've found their Mr Right (we're all at uni) and think their relationships are going fine. I'd hate to be in a situation like that and sleep with a guy because I thought he was committed to me, only to find out he wasn't sure or thought there was someone better/more suitable for him out there.
Is it being too blunt to bring this up first thing should a guy ask me out? I actually often do have to have the whole thing in a club where you meet a guy and then tell them you don't do one night stands. But it's really weird if I ask someone out and then say "I won't sleep with you though, I'm not having sex till I get married."
I'm abstaining because I don't want to sleep with a guy before I can be really sure he's committed to me. It has nothing to do with insecurities lol, I exercise and put a lot of effort into my appearance and am quite happy with the way I look, though I guess I get the sharp end of the stick when it comes to guys only wanting one thing from me as I'm quite girly-girl as well. Obviously no-one can ever be 100% sure a guy is committed, but at the same time if you're married to someone there is a difference to just being in a relationship with them.
I have a few close guy friends who've been with their girlfriends for 1 or 2 years, aren't exactly sure that those girls are right for them (to the point of asking me and other female friends for advice on whether to break up/take a break) yet are still continuing those relationships because they're afraid of being single (partly due to the lack of sex should they break up). I wouldn't say it's exactly using their girlfriends for sex (obviously they still care about them) but they aren't convinced those girls are "the one", yet I know some of their girlfriends and they believe they've found their Mr Right (we're all at uni) and think their relationships are going fine. I'd hate to be in a situation like that and sleep with a guy because I thought he was committed to me, only to find out he wasn't sure or thought there was someone better/more suitable for him out there.
Is it being too blunt to bring this up first thing should a guy ask me out? I actually often do have to have the whole thing in a club where you meet a guy and then tell them you don't do one night stands. But it's really weird if I ask someone out and then say "I won't sleep with you though, I'm not having sex till I get married."
Sorry to resurrect the thread but bump
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
Its completely normal in my point of view. That's why I haven't had sex, even with my boyfriend. We're just not rushing for it.
As for searching for a man, he'll come around in time. If people start making fun of you because of your views, then let them be. You won't be the one getting STDs.
Online dating sites are scary if you're not prepared - I met a pedo once (outside an online dating site) and it was really ... weird. :s
Just remember that sex isn't everything in life, especially university life. I don't like "YOLO", because people misuse it for everything ridiculous.
In short, yes this will make things harder when it comes to finding a relationship.
But if that is the type of relationship you want then so be it. I'd assume you want a guy who is a virgin tiil he's married too and if that what you need in life then it's what will make you happy. Unless of course you grow up to realise it was a mistake, which I'm sure you won't.
But if that is the type of relationship you want then so be it. I'd assume you want a guy who is a virgin tiil he's married too and if that what you need in life then it's what will make you happy. Unless of course you grow up to realise it was a mistake, which I'm sure you won't.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a girl and I've decided I don't want to have sex till I'm married. It's not for religious reasons (I'm Christian, but I'd be happy dating a non-Christian and definitely don't read the Bible literally) but rather personal ones. I'd be fine doing sexual things up to a certain degree (like heavy making out etc.) but I wouldn't do anything that could get me pregnant (though I'm not abstaining for that reason).
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
Are my only options for dating at uni to find fellow Christians who also don't want to have sex before marriage? It's not really the sort of thing you can ask someone but I wouldn't want to start seeing a guy and then find out he has a different view on this. I'd rather not go on online dating sites too.
P.S. Please no comments of "You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage" - what I choose to do and how I choose to self-define is my business.
Well I am a guy and I would tend to stay clear of woman like you even if you happen to be good looking
Reasons:
1. You usually are not that bright (your belief in a god proves that)
2. As humans are animals, sex will be what they want. (yep, that's right. Humans are not exempt from the Animal kingdom)
You're being a bad Christian if you do sexual stuff before marriage
I'm a girl, firm believer in sex before marriage 
OP I am very sure it is possible for you to find someone with similar views who will also want to, or at least be prepared to wait. It's about compatibility - in this case a compatibility of philosophies, beliefs, views.
However - you are imposing on a restriction on yourself, and I disagree with what has been implied in some other posts - that for someone else to not be happy with that restriction isn't "worth it", or is somehow in the wrong / a jerk. You are missing out on the potential for a relationship with a perfectly pleasant, honest person who just doesn't agree with your views, and as a result would be unsatisfied, frustrated and possibly even hurt by your stance.
If I were your partner, I would actually be hurt and confused as I don't follow your reasoning other than not really trusting the partner or not wanting to share sexual intimacy because you're basically reserving it for someone else, potentially. I just wouldn't want to be regarded like that, I think it shows pessimism about your partner, an unwillingness to invest. That's just my personal view and an explanation of why for me, it's about a lot more than getting your rocks off. If you didn't agree - that might be something you have to talk through with a partner, or depending on the strength of the difference in your view could potentially come up again and again causing problems. There isn't an explanation of "no I won't have sex with you because I'm saving myself for someone else, that might not be you" - that I can tolerate, personally. I'm all in, optimism, give it its best shot and if it doesn't work out I'm still glad for everything we did together - that's my attitude so it's sort of incompatible. Many people wouldn't be as incompatible though.
So yes, you are going to potentially miss out and make relationships difficult, possibly - but that's just life in a sense, you decide which is more important. And I wouldn't have thought it will devastate your love life as (male) people are out there with the same view.
OP I am very sure it is possible for you to find someone with similar views who will also want to, or at least be prepared to wait. It's about compatibility - in this case a compatibility of philosophies, beliefs, views.
However - you are imposing on a restriction on yourself, and I disagree with what has been implied in some other posts - that for someone else to not be happy with that restriction isn't "worth it", or is somehow in the wrong / a jerk. You are missing out on the potential for a relationship with a perfectly pleasant, honest person who just doesn't agree with your views, and as a result would be unsatisfied, frustrated and possibly even hurt by your stance.
If I were your partner, I would actually be hurt and confused as I don't follow your reasoning other than not really trusting the partner or not wanting to share sexual intimacy because you're basically reserving it for someone else, potentially. I just wouldn't want to be regarded like that, I think it shows pessimism about your partner, an unwillingness to invest. That's just my personal view and an explanation of why for me, it's about a lot more than getting your rocks off. If you didn't agree - that might be something you have to talk through with a partner, or depending on the strength of the difference in your view could potentially come up again and again causing problems. There isn't an explanation of "no I won't have sex with you because I'm saving myself for someone else, that might not be you" - that I can tolerate, personally. I'm all in, optimism, give it its best shot and if it doesn't work out I'm still glad for everything we did together - that's my attitude so it's sort of incompatible. Many people wouldn't be as incompatible though.
So yes, you are going to potentially miss out and make relationships difficult, possibly - but that's just life in a sense, you decide which is more important. And I wouldn't have thought it will devastate your love life as (male) people are out there with the same view.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by upthegunners
Well I am a guy and I would tend to stay clear of woman like you even if you happen to be good looking
Reasons:
1. You usually are not that bright (your belief in a god proves that)
2. As humans are animals, sex will be what they want. (yep, that's right. Humans are not exempt from the Animal kingdom)
Reasons:
1. You usually are not that bright (your belief in a god proves that)
2. As humans are animals, sex will be what they want. (yep, that's right. Humans are not exempt from the Animal kingdom)
This is one of the most stupid sentences I've ever had the pleasure of reading on TSR. The fact you even have the remotest belief that someone's belief in a god proves that they're stupid frankly says a lot about your intelligence and zero about mine.
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are
) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?Original post by Anonymous
This is one of the most stupid sentences I've ever had the pleasure of reading on TSR. The fact you even have the remotest belief that someone's belief in a god proves that they're stupid frankly says a lot about your intelligence and zero about mine.
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are
) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?Please PM me off anon so I can rep you, you just made my day
Original post by Anonymous
This is one of the most stupid sentences I've ever had the pleasure of reading on TSR. The fact you even have the remotest belief that someone's belief in a god proves that they're stupid frankly says a lot about your intelligence and zero about mine.
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are
) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?Just want to clarify that neither Einstein nor Planck believed in a personal god, because it is a common misconception and it kind of annoys me slightly when people use this argument in other debates.
However they were both tolerant with the religious beliefs of others so I agree with you.
To answer your original question, I think you will have to find a guy with similar views as yourself for it to work.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks to everyone for all the advice.
I'm abstaining because I don't want to sleep with a guy before I can be really sure he's committed to me. It has nothing to do with insecurities
I'm abstaining because I don't want to sleep with a guy before I can be really sure he's committed to me. It has nothing to do with insecurities
It has everything to do with your insecurities. You want guarantees, **newsflash** there are no guarantees.
Presumably you're young and have yet to experience the betrayal of your commitment, love and emotional investment. Look around however, it occurs everyday, all around you.
Shared time, promises, children, property and bank accounts provide absolutely no guarantees in life and in love.
If that is really why you're waiting, don't bother.
Do you have anything that makes you worth waiting for above other girls? The answer is probably no so I wouldn't bother.
Original post by Anonymous
This is one of the most stupid sentences I've ever had the pleasure of reading on TSR. The fact you even have the remotest belief that someone's belief in a god proves that they're stupid frankly says a lot about your intelligence and zero about mine.
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?
For the record, plenty of brilliant geniuses from Einstein to Planck (apologies if you don't know who those guys are
) believed in a God - were they "not that bright" either? Or could it just be that you yourself are so thick you have to resort to moronic ad hominems to prove your point?Albert Einstein did not believe in the traditional Christian God. Why do people insist on throwing up his name in asinine religious debates? Planck didn't believe in a personal/Christian God either; he was a believer in Deism and that is all.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by RollerBall
Albert Einstein did not believe in the traditional Christian God. Why do people insist on throwing up his name in asinine religious debates? Planck didn't believe in a personal/Christian God either; he was a believer in Deism and that is all.
Where did I mention Christianity specifically? I was replying to an stupid statement about "the belief in a god", which apparently proves that someone's "not that bright." Also, this thread is clearly not meant to be an "asinine religious debate" or turn into one - I just don't have much patience for ridiculously sweeping claims.
toukolou
It has everything to do with your insecurities. You want guarantees, **newsflash** there are no guarantees.
Presumably you're young and have yet to experience the betrayal of your commitment, love and emotional investment. Look around however, it occurs everyday, all around you.
Shared time, promises, children, property and bank accounts provide absolutely no guarantees in life and in love.
If that is really why you're waiting, don't bother.
Presumably you're young and have yet to experience the betrayal of your commitment, love and emotional investment. Look around however, it occurs everyday, all around you.
Shared time, promises, children, property and bank accounts provide absolutely no guarantees in life and in love.
If that is really why you're waiting, don't bother.
Yeah, obviously there are no 100% guarantees in life. There's no guarantee that working hard will secure you a good job after uni (thousands of bright graduates with top grades are still unemployed), or that taking care of your health will prevent you from getting cancer, or that taking the time to wait for a guy who treats you well will prevent him from cheating on you. This sort of stuff occurs everyday, all around us.
What you fail to realise, however, is that just because there are no guarantees doesn't mean that that you can't improve your chances of something happening by doing something else differently. There's no 100% guarantee that anything anyone ever tries to do better will pay off; it would be ridiculous, however, to suggest that we should avoid trying to do those things better. That's not just pessimistic, it isn't even realistic.
Furthermore, waiting for a guy to fully commit to me before I sleep with him is not "insecure" in the slightest, and my age makes zero difference here (oooo, insecure young girl is silly and believes aspiring to something!... Not). It's not like I'd die if I, say, slept with a guy I was in a long-term relationship with and later broke up with him. But I'd prefer to not have it that way. Trying to insist that "this has everything to do with my insecurities" does not change the fact that this is a personal value judgment.
I personally value sex highly, and if other girls want to hold themselves to different standards, that's completely up to them. If I want something to be meaningful to me, it will be, and that's not "insecure". To draw an analogy, I'm not saying waiting for marriage is necessarily better instead of being a personal decision here, but are successful people in their field "insecure" or putting too much faith in "guarantees" because they value success highly , choose to put a lot of effort into making something work, potentially suffer a lot of loss and valuing self-discipline and delayed gratification, or are they doing what they believe in that could very well pay off?
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