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    Basically, had a boyfriend of 4 years, its now ended. And he has a new girlfriend.
    Worst part is, he's become official with her, about 2 weeks after he was sat in my room crying about the fact he wasn't sure whether he still loved me or not etc, in fact both of us were crying. So as you can imagine, very confused as to his new relationship.
    Its absolutely devastated me.
    The awful part is that we both go to the same University, therefore I have the anxiety of knowing I could see him or her, or them both together any time I leave the house.
    The break up wasn't a bad one, but we were very much on and off for a while after. It was largely due to the fact we'd both been each others first everythings, and thought that maybe we needed to be single for a bit. In hindsight bad idea. I've realised since that the grass wasn't greener, missed him so much and still so in love with him.
    As you can imagine I feel **** at the moment, and every single thing that pops up on fb about him sends me into floods of tears.
    Ive made sure not to speak to him since I found out about his new girlfriend, have deleted him off facebook etc etc.
    Anyone have any advice for coping with something like this..perhaps someone who's been through something similar?
    Thanks xxx
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    While I haven't been in a situation quite like yours I can still offer you my thoughts on what you're going through.

    What you're doing right now, avoiding him and such, is definitely not helping you. Since you said you didn't end it on bad terms it's only normal that you feel confused and begin to ask yourself questions about the time you spent together. The best thing right now would be for you to get some closure on your situation. This means that, no matter how much it's gonna hurt you, you're going to have to approach him and ask to talk about what he's doing and whether or not he cares any more. What he says might piss you off and hurt a lot in the short run, but in the long run it's exactly what you need to get over this.

    He might be going out with someone else because he felt that you no longer cared? Just a thought, but who was it that proposed the break up? That might have influenced his actions a bit.
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    Oh, a guy I dated for three months got with another girl in our IB class (i.e. same classes for EVERYTHING) within a week after we split. So I have a rough idea of where you're at, although of course, it must be so much worse for you, and it was tough for me, so I feel ya.

    Guuuuurl there's nothing you can do but try to accept it with as much grace and dignity as you can manage. Good on you for cutting contact/fb etc, do you realise how few people have the courage to do that post-breakup? They typically let the contact go on and on, kidding themselves into believing that this is somehow benefitting them. You, my dear, are it seems, a woman of facts.

    FACT: he allowed you to go. FACT: he chose someone else instead of trying to get back with you. FACT: he wants to be with her more than he wants to be with you.

    None of this makes him 'bad', of course, but it's good to keep them in mind if you ever start to wonder 'what if'.

    Resist any urges to get drunk and call him, or spam his FB account, or be a cliche in some other way. Chin up, you'll be alright.
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    (Original post by -Maz-)
    While I haven't been in a situation quite like yours I can still offer you my thoughts on what you're going through.

    What you're doing right now, avoiding him and such, is definitely not helping you. Since you said you didn't end it on bad terms it's only normal that you feel confused and begin to ask yourself questions about the time you spent together. The best thing right now would be for you to get some closure on your situation. This means that, no matter how much it's gonna hurt you, you're going to have to approach him and ask to talk about what he's doing and whether or not he cares any more. What he says might piss you off and hurt a lot in the short run, but in the long run it's exactly what you need to get over this.

    He might be going out with someone else because he felt that you no longer cared? Just a thought, but who was it that proposed the break up? That might have influenced his actions a bit.
    OP I (respectfully) disagree with this quite strongly. All that will happen if you try to talk to him to get 'closure', is, you'll sound like a crazily needy person and he'll run a mile. Oh, and it wouldn't be amazingly fair on his new girlfriend to basically bring up what's over. You say you still love this guy, so you know that if you instigate some sort of 'big talk', it'll basically be to try and get him back. That ship has sailed, and if it hasn't, it should have. He's with someone else. That means while you were regretting your part, and wondering if things could be different, he was chatting up and wanting to get in elsewhere - and has. It's done. Time to accept it and move on, and not torture yourself with further ambiguous contact.
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    (Original post by Yidette)
    OP I (respectfully) disagree with this quite strongly. All that will happen if you try to talk to him to get 'closure', is, you'll sound like a crazily needy person and he'll run a mile. Oh, and it wouldn't be amazingly fair on his new girlfriend to basically bring up what's over. You say you still love this guy, so you know that if you instigate some sort of 'big talk', it'll basically be to try and get him back. That ship has sailed, and if it hasn't, it should have. He's with someone else. That means while you were regretting your part, and wondering if things could be different, he was chatting up and wanting to get in elsewhere - and has. It's done. Time to accept it and move on, and not torture yourself with further ambiguous contact.
    So you're saying it's better to just avoid him completely? She's still going to see him around Uni so it'll probably hurt her every time she sees him walking and that she has to avoid him. I was basing this off the fact that 4 years is a long time to spend with someone and to go from what they had to having to avoid the other. At least if she talks with him it'd make the getting over him a lot easier because she'd be able to really see how much he's moved on. She can then proceed to avoid him after the talk.

    Anyway just my two cents, I can see why youre saying what you say and it all makes sense but its what I was told after I broke up with a girl when we split on "good terms" and it did me pretty well.
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    (Original post by -Maz-)
    While I haven't been in a situation quite like yours I can still offer you my thoughts on what you're going through.

    What you're doing right now, avoiding him and such, is definitely not helping you. Since you said you didn't end it on bad terms it's only normal that you feel confused and begin to ask yourself questions about the time you spent together. The best thing right now would be for you to get some closure on your situation. This means that, no matter how much it's gonna hurt you, you're going to have to approach him and ask to talk about what he's doing and whether or not he cares any more. What he says might piss you off and hurt a lot in the short run, but in the long run it's exactly what you need to get over this.

    He might be going out with someone else because he felt that you no longer cared? Just a thought, but who was it that proposed the break up? That might have influenced his actions a bit.
    Thank you for both responses. I really appreciate it.

    It was me who proposed it initially, I then told him i'd been an idiot, and that I was sorry for ever suggesting a break up because clearly we are meant to be together and I was a FOOL.
    Should point out..I didnt break up with him, go sleep around then come running back, I literally didnt get with anyone else, just needed a bit of time to think.. silly in hindsight i know.
    Yet, sods law, by this point he'd met this new girl, I was too late, and he'd seen the greener grass i guess.
    You guys don't need to tell me its pretty much my fault and that I got what was coming to me, totally understand that, and have paid for it with many nights crying over the regret of losing him/not getting out of bed/all the rest of that awful post break-up mess.
    Just coping with him being with new girl so soon, after 4 years of being together is very hard.
    So you think just keeping no contact for a while is the best plan to deal with things?
    I mean at this point, I don't have a chance of getting him back, and wouldn't want to unless it was mutual, so just leave it be for now?
    Tricky thing is, not only are we at Uni together, we went to school together therefore when we are back home have countless mutual friends/meet-ups. Very awkward, especially as seeing him makes my heart feel like its about to implode.
    Any advice? Or just lay low for a while?
    Thanks so much to all responses, really nice having a bit of support.
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    (Original post by Glitterandgold)
    Thank you for both responses. I really appreciate it.

    It was me who proposed it initially, I then told him i'd been an idiot, and that I was sorry for ever suggesting a break up because clearly we are meant to be together and I was a FOOL.
    Should point out..I didnt break up with him, go sleep around then come running back, I literally didnt get with anyone else, just needed a bit of time to think.. silly in hindsight i know.
    Yet, sods law, by this point he'd met this new girl, I was too late, and he'd seen the greener grass i guess.
    You guys don't need to tell me its pretty much my fault and that I got what was coming to me, totally understand that, and have paid for it with many nights crying over the regret of losing him/not getting out of bed/all the rest of that awful post break-up mess.
    Just coping with him being with new girl so soon, after 4 years of being together is very hard.
    So you think just keeping no contact for a while is the best plan to deal with things?
    I mean at this point, I don't have a chance of getting him back, and wouldn't want to unless it was mutual, so just leave it be for now?
    Tricky thing is, not only are we at Uni together, we went to school together therefore when we are back home have countless mutual friends/meet-ups. Very awkward, especially as seeing him makes my heart feel like its about to implode.
    Any advice? Or just lay low for a while?
    Thanks so much to all responses, really nice having a bit of support.
    I don't think it was wrong of you to propose some time apart to clear your head, you obviously felt that he wouldn't be so quick in seeing someone else. Four years is a long time for pretty much anything so taking a step back to look at what you're doing in an objective light (which is what I'm assuming you were doing during your break) was not a bad thing.

    I can, at least, relate to how bad it feels knowing he got together with somebody else so soon. My last girlfriend (who I absolutely adored) ended things merely because of her situation (loads of commitments, pent up guilt from not making time for me caused her stress) so when I heard that she "hit it off" with a random bloke at a club and that she probably "fancied" him from a friend, it hurt a lot more than I acted like.

    Anyway, you'd probably find it really hard to completely avoid him. It sounds like you've already spoken to him yet that didn't really make things better for you, it's going to be hard but you're going to have to accept that he's moved on. For now, since it hurts you just seeing him, it would probably be better for if you, as you put it, just "lay low for a while". Your head's probably swarming with doubts and such right now so if it still hurts seeing him, just avoid him until you can. I know that it'll probably hurt just looking at him for a long time, but just keep with it until that "hurt" is bearable.

    My advice is proobably not the best, but just knowing theres someone to listen to a few the thoughts swarming your head is nice.
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    (Original post by -Maz-)
    So you're saying it's better to just avoid him completely? She's still going to see him around Uni so it'll probably hurt her every time she sees him walking and that she has to avoid him. I was basing this off the fact that 4 years is a long time to spend with someone and to go from what they had to having to avoid the other. At least if she talks with him it'd make the getting over him a lot easier because she'd be able to really see how much he's moved on. She can then proceed to avoid him after the talk.

    Anyway just my two cents, I can see why youre saying what you say and it all makes sense but its what I was told after I broke up with a girl when we split on "good terms" and it did me pretty well.
    The only way she can really get over him is by avoiding him if she can.
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    (Original post by -Maz-)
    While I haven't been in a situation quite like yours I can still offer you my thoughts on what you're going through.

    What you're doing right now, avoiding him and such, is definitely not helping you. Since you said you didn't end it on bad terms it's only normal that you feel confused and begin to ask yourself questions about the time you spent together. The best thing right now would be for you to get some closure on your situation. This means that, no matter how much it's gonna hurt you, you're going to have to approach him and ask to talk about what he's doing and whether or not he cares any more. What he says might piss you off and hurt a lot in the short run, but in the long run it's exactly what you need to get over this.

    He might be going out with someone else because he felt that you no longer cared? Just a thought, but who was it that proposed the break up? That might have influenced his actions a bit.
    I'm sorry but I too also disagree with this. I broke up with my first boyfriend, and the worst thing I could have done is try and get closure by trying to contact him. Take some time away from him. Make sure he is blocked on FB, not just deleted so that no information comes on your news feed (ie, a friend comments on his things and they appear) I'd also recommend blocking the GF. Take time out for yourself, think things through in your own mind. If you contact him, you will be hoping for closure, from experience you wont get it, you will just taint any good times you had by saying words you or him didn't mean, or you will prolong the upset by not getting over him because you always feel it is unfinished.

    My advice is from personal experience, but we all deal with things differently. I would stay away from him as much as possible I know you go to the same Uni, but try and avoid situations you may be together (a party etc). When you feel ready, and you are over him, then maybe contact him for closure. At the moment feelings are extremely raw so I don't believe you will get closure right now.

    I hope things work out for you
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    It's just my opinion but I think you should have a chat to him and tell him to decide once and for all if he thinks there's still a possibility that you two would ever get back together. Tell him that if he's comfortable moving on thats fine but you're not going to wait around for him. If he decides its over for good, go out with your girlfriends and have a night out to get your mind off him. Maybe plan a girls weekend away. Best of luck!
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    Thanks for all the advice. I understand the logic in maybe talking to him initially to see if there is any hope, but I have already tried this a while back, and unfortunately didn't work.
    I cant understand how someone can move on so fast, but I will have to get on with things, and perhaps one day in the future the universe will work it out for us!
    Maz - sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. It really doesn't feel that great! Especially when the other person claims to need time alone or whatever then jumps into something with someone else! Its cheesy and probably has no grounding, but it's nice to think maybe everything happens for a reason and that if you're meant to be with someone, you will be in time.
    But I think I agree with no contact for now, and for the next few months at least, apparently it can take a year to get over someone you've been with for 4/5 years, so hopefully no contact will speed up this process!
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    (Original post by Glitterandgold)
    Thanks for all the advice. I understand the logic in maybe talking to him initially to see if there is any hope, but I have already tried this a while back, and unfortunately didn't work.
    I cant understand how someone can move on so fast, but I will have to get on with things, and perhaps one day in the future the universe will work it out for us!
    Maz - sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. It really doesn't feel that great! Especially when the other person claims to need time alone or whatever then jumps into something with someone else! Its cheesy and probably has no grounding, but it's nice to think maybe everything happens for a reason and that if you're meant to be with someone, you will be in time.
    But I think I agree with no contact for now, and for the next few months at least, apparently it can take a year to get over someone you've been with for 4/5 years, so hopefully no contact will speed up this process!
    Oh, and one more thing:

    Re-bound. C'mon, we're all thinking it, right? He's with you for four years, then two weeks later gets with someone else? Sure, there's a small chance he genuinely felt a real connection with this girl, which he would have felt regardless of whether he'd just been dumped and was therefore feeling a very bruised ego in a way that only getting dumped by your girlfriend can create. But the chances are, it looks like a classic case of reboundings.

    I feel for you. I broke up with my boyfriend for silly reasons back in February, drove home from uni to try and recover, couldn't recover, drove back a week later and came clean about how stupid I was being; luckily, he saw his part in it too and we got back together. Note that niether of us had bothered with anyone else in that time (if he had, it would've been a deal breaker for me). Rebounding is the oldest 'trick' in the book to try and manufacture a sense of being over the person who just dumped you. It's classic. It's cliché. It proves that he's a) not over you at all and b) is happy to drag this new girl along for the ride of him not being over you.

    But, that's his choice. Hopefully you'll see the desperation in his behaviour and realise that maybe you can move on, after all.
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    Without sounding a ***** as ive been in the situation where an ex appears to be a 'best friend' but really there not there usually acting all friendly and nice for a few reasons

    1) You had a messy breakup he was a ******** so he's feeling guilty or trying to be nice so he doesnt come across as the bad one- my ex cheated on me loads and became my best friend after he dumped me so viley to try keep me sweet so i wouldnt be nasty about him and also because he felt guilty
    2) They like to keep their options open , they like to know that if it all goes wrong with the new girlfriend theyve got sex waiting for them- again my ex after he broke up with the girl he left me for openly asked if i was up for 'getting back together casually' i.e would i have sex with him
    3) It feeds their ego's to know that they can be arses horrible and nasty to a girl yet she still forgives him, by being friendly they think youve forgiven them and again by having you sort of hanging on it boosts their ego to think they can have any girl they want treat them how they want and still come running back


    With my ex we kept s friends for about 6 months then i realised he literally didnt a **** about me he was just being my friend for all the reason aboves. While i was friends with him i also couldnt move on or get over him only when i cut contact did i heal
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    (Original post by Yidette)
    Oh, and one more thing:

    Re-bound. C'mon, we're all thinking it, right? He's with you for four years, then two weeks later gets with someone else? Sure, there's a small chance he genuinely felt a real connection with this girl, which he would have felt regardless of whether he'd just been dumped and was therefore feeling a very bruised ego in a way that only getting dumped by your girlfriend can create. But the chances are, it looks like a classic case of reboundings.

    I feel for you. I broke up with my boyfriend for silly reasons back in February, drove home from uni to try and recover, couldn't recover, drove back a week later and came clean about how stupid I was being; luckily, he saw his part in it too and we got back together. Note that niether of us had bothered with anyone else in that time (if he had, it would've been a deal breaker for me). Rebounding is the oldest 'trick' in the book to try and manufacture a sense of being over the person who just dumped you. It's classic. It's cliché. It proves that he's a) not over you at all and b) is happy to drag this new girl along for the ride of him not being over you.

    But, that's his choice. Hopefully you'll see the desperation in his behaviour and realise that maybe you can move on, after all.
    I know, you don't get over a 4 year (relatively drama free) relationship and hop into a new one completely OK!
    I think this is how guys deal with things. Cos Its been a while now but I'm definately not over it or ready to be in another relationship!
    From experience..or from knowledge of guys, do these rebounds ever have a common time scale? Or is it a case of they could be together 2 months, or 2 years..sort of thing?
    Im very glad you managed to salvage your relationship - very lucky! And the time apart probably made you realise how much you wanted to be with that person!
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    (Original post by Glitterandgold)
    I know, you don't get over a 4 year (relatively drama free) relationship and hop into a new one completely OK!
    I think this is how guys deal with things. Cos Its been a while now but I'm definately not over it or ready to be in another relationship!
    From experience..or from knowledge of guys, do these rebounds ever have a common time scale? Or is it a case of they could be together 2 months, or 2 years..sort of thing?
    Im very glad you managed to salvage your relationship - very lucky! And the time apart probably made you realise how much you wanted to be with that person!
    It did yeah. Well in my case, that boy stayed with the new girl for two years. So obviously, although I stand by that it STARTED as a rebound, there must have been more there for them to stay together that long.

    Or maybe it was just convenient.

    There's no common time scale, and there's no universal way of dealing with it. Try not to fall into the trap of saying 'guys do this' and 'it's a guy thing'. Other than having a certain appendage that we lack, virtually nothing is a 'guy thing', and it's problematic to join the gender war with generalisations. It kills your sexiness.

    You're doing all the right things. You can admit that if an eligible guy came along now, you'd be TEMPTED, right? I mean, it WOULD be a fix, if only in the short term. But you know deep down that that's all he would be to you - a plaster - and you're smart enough, and self-aware enough, to say 'no, I am not ready to go there yet'.

    This proves to me that one day you really will be ready to open your heart to a greater love and more fulfilling relationship than you can possibly imagine from where you are right now. But, for now, one day at a time. Just keep remembering why you split up in the first place (fool or not, you had your reasons, and I'm guessing they at least partially made sense), and develop your own hobbies and wellbeing. For me, this has always meant the classic steps:

    Reading (or re-reading) 'it's called a breakup because it's broken' by Greg Behrendt.

    Getting to the gym. Having abs is like having 6 boyfriends on your chest who won't ever leave you.

    Getting back in touch with old friends.

    Going to new classes/societies/clubs to meet NEW friends.

    Keeping a breakup journal which you can cry into as and when you need to, and watch as, slowly, day by day, the tone of your entries begins to sound more positive.

    Really looking within to understand what went wrong, what went right, what you learned, what your part in all of it was, how you can better yourself so that you attract a more suitable partner next time.

    ... and much more wisdom but the football is on so I gotta go.
 
 
 
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