Cutting dad out of life-am i being too harsh? Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 12 years ago
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so my bf thinks im being too harsh on my dad by cutting him out of my life. oh really? becuase last time i checked it was my descion as to what i do. i'm sorry but for the first time in my life i am doing somthing about the way my dad made me feel for years. i used to see my dad twice a week, mondays and thursdays. mondays were spent at his (read: my stepmums 8 bedroom house, as opposed to his old 1 bedroom flat) and thursdays at my nan and grandads.

every thursday, in the 2 hours spent there, i was ignored not just by my dad and step mum but my grandparents too. theyused to talk about whatever they felt like, and non of it included me. even when i tried to join in, the talk just moved onto something which didn't involve me. so for a good few years i just sat there and read magazines and newspapers. eventually i got sick of being treated that way and told my dad i'd only see him on mondays. my dads side of the family then decide this was my mothers doing (wrong-i do have a mind of my own) and subsequently spreads that around the town we live in (my nan is known for doing that-they even ****ged my mum off when i was in the same room on numerous occasions).

so then i see him mondays. it was around my 18th that there was a massive arguement. in short my mum asked if it wold be ok to put an annoucment in the paper, and refer to my stepdad as "dad". i said that was fine as i have always called him that and itd be an insult not to. that monday (paper cam out on thursday) i went to my dads and was given a little celebration for my 18th (the nextday). All is seemingly well. Or not, by the next monday my dad has suddenly decided that he'll no longer paythe maintence money to my mum (theres a court order that said he HAD to by law) but instead will give me money. i tell him he can't do this. i go home and explain things to my mum, she calls my dad to ask why, this results in him kicking off and calling her a stupid ***** and my mum ends up in tears. which in turn upsets me. i hate seeing my mum cry cos my dad has upset her. makes me wish i'd never been born at least then theyd be happy.

anyway, the next monday my dad is asking questions as soon as he's picked me up and i get in the car, he tells me my mum is tring to drive a wedge between us etc. i tell him i dont want to talk about it as its upsetting me, but no he carries on by the time we arrive as his i am in tears and basically telling him i never want to see him again. but this is my point, at that moment i couldn't follow it through. instead i let him make his excuses and give him a second chance. that night i'm still in a state and self harm for the first time in nearly 2 years

It got worse after that. Every monday i'd go round and i was the outsider. i wasn't part of their family. i wasn't included in family meals. i never had chance to talk to my dad alone as my step-mum was always around. i was never inlcuded in the convosations,and every night that i went home, i felt drained, and yes its pathetic, but every monday night resulted in me in tears.i felt lonely, worthless, guilty. i still do at times.

since i moved to uni, i've found it easier not to talk to him. anytime that i did, the convosations felt so false, and it still upset me. after a few months i decided i couldnt take it anymore so i haven't spoken to him since. i need him out of my life, for good. and that hurts too, cos at the end of the day he's my dad. yet he's just never felt like my dad, and i'll always wish he could have. but he can't and i have to move on.

so am i being to harsh? is it wrong for me to want to feel ok? is it wrong for me to want him to know how i have felt for so many years? part of me thinks im doing the right thing, but part of me feels i'm in the wrong.

sorry this is really long. :bawling:
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Rock Fan
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Well your not being harsh hes not talking to you and he's the 1 putting a wedge in between not your mother, and he won't pay maintenance, so give him a taste of your own medicine and he has no right to **** your own mother off like that.
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Note
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If you do want to see if what you are doing is really right or not, try taking it out of the usual situation and habbit. Invite him to a coffe shop or cafe for a drink and talk to him. Just the 2 of you. About everything that is on your mind. That way you can see what he really thinks in a neutral environment and without the intrusion of his parents or new wife. From there you will be able to see if you really want him or not. And remember that you need not cut him out of your life if it is his family that you don't like, just makes working it a bit harder.

Best of luck
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ChemistBoy
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I don't blame you. However you can't choose your family, your dad will always be your dad. Why don't you be bigger than him and extend him a courtesy he won't extend to you by not leaving his life? It sounds like your dad has unresolved issues about his relationship with your mother.

My dad didn't talk to his dad for the 15 years before he died (because he was effectively excluded like you have been). He still bitterly regrets that he did not make his peace with him before he passed away.

As for your boyfriend - he sounds like he is offering you his honest opinion and nothing more, don't be too harsh on him.
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her0n
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You have to put yourself first here, if you think it will be the best course of action then do it. I haven't seen my dad (through choice) since he left my mum for another woman 4 years ago. I found out once my GCSE's were all over.. I was getting ready to go out and celebrate the end of exams and then that bombshell was dropped. He then left and returned.. leaving 3 times in total over the course of about 8 months. I just couldn't forgive him for what he had done. Sometimes I wish it could be a lot easier between us but it's just how it is. I don't regret it.. I do have some sort of contact.. but that's only by email so that he will continue to send me money for uni Mum said to keep him sweet!

Good luck and do what you think is best.
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Tinkerbelle
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i totally empathise with you and dont think you're being too harsh at all. my mum n dad divorced when i was 2 and i saw my dad few times a week. he remarried a total *****. then i saw him once a week. then he moved up north, and i saw him once or twice a year. when i did, my steparent (not mum) would blame me for things i hadnt done, mock me, and come between us constantly.

too cut a long story short, after not seeing him 4 2 years, i get a call frm him saying "why have u been sending your stepmum hatemail?, ive called the police". this was the first i'd heard of any hatemail. his only evidence that it was me was apparently the 3's in the postcode looked the same as my handwriting! to this day, i feel this was an excuse for him to extinguish all contact with me so that he didnt hav to contribute any money, which he never did anyway.

so no, i dont think you're being harsh at all if u feel nethin like ive felt my whole life... i havent seen him for 5 years now and my life is so much better, and i have a wonderful stepdad. also, dont let yr bf influence u, unless he's experienced the same thing, he wont hav a clue sorry.

good luck x x x
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_poptart_
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I think that possibly cutting your dad out of your life is whats right for you at the moment. Its not fair on you to have to be put through such a situation, and dont let anybody make you do something you dont want to.
Im not saying you should never speak to him again, but its obvious that the situation right now is not good for anyone, so just take it as it comes and do what feels best for YOU.
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devilgirl999
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he sounds like hes not worth the hassle tbh, youve tried your hardest and he didnt even try, i think your doing the right thing. good luck xx
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Zerforax
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psff sounds more like a biological father, not a dad
(theres a huge difference IMO)
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*Kates*
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(Original post by ChemistBoy)
I don't blame you. However you can't choose your family, your dad will always be your dad. Why don't you be bigger than him and extend him a courtesy he won't extend to you by not leaving his life? It sounds like your dad has unresolved issues about his relationship with your mother.

My dad didn't talk to his dad for the 15 years before he died (because he was effectively excluded like you have been). He still bitterly regrets that he did not make his peace with him before he passed away.

As for your boyfriend - he sounds like he is offering you his honest opinion and nothing more, don't be too harsh on him.
IMO you have every right to be harsh to your bf, he has no right to tell you that he thinks you are being harsh by cutting your dad out of your life, at the end of the day, you know the pain your dad has put you and your mum through, not him! As for your dad always being your dad... yes that's true, but only biologically. To me he doesn't sound like he has been a proper dad at all!

I haven't seen my dad for 4 years since he had numerous affairs behind my mums back and violently abused me my mum and my brother, and i have never regreted it once! It is better for me to cut him out of my life than put myself through the pain of seeing him again and remembering what a bully he was. I know your dad hasn't hurt you like mine did me, but the way he has treated you is disgraceful and the way your grandparents have! From what you have said, i don't think you have much to lose!! You do what is best for you and only you and listen to yourself nobody else!! It's your life and you need to do what you want to do to be happy and if that means cutting your dad out of your life then so be it!
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guitargirl03
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I think you're doing the right thing. I've cut my dad out of my life.

My parents divorced when I was 2, so it's been nearly 16 years and in that time I've only seen him every other year, but last year I saw him about 5 times as he took me to my university interviews (after I had to pay him... He reluctantly gave me the money back...) He rarely contacts my brother or myself and he treated my mum like ****e. He also had a go at me because I didn't send him a fathers day card or a christmas gift...
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Anonymous #1
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i think that will be the big thing. fathers day is coming up. and i think that then he will know what i mean by cutting off contact. i feel so screwed up right now anyway that i just can't cope with him.i know it mean i will lose half of myfmaily, butthen when they have been how they have,i guess its not that much of a loss really.

thanks for the replies
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Pandy
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My two cents:

You only have 1 father and mother. You can't replace those. You really shouldn't cut him out but try to patch things up. It can be really hard for dads sometimes, I've experienced that in my own family. Whatever the problem with your mum and dad, doesn't mean he doesn't love you etc.

Try to patch things up, because at the end of the day your family are the only people you can *always* rely on.

Anyway, whatever your decision, I hope it all works out the way you want it to
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loser88
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I've cut my father out of my life for different reasons for you but I have done it. I have not seen him for over a year, spoken to him for ages and I only message him very rarely in response to emssages from him such as 'When are your exams'...'they start on .... and end on ....' it feels good! I'm MUCH happier and less stressed in that department (A-levels not helping general levels!!!!) it's your choice so do whatever you want
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gooseymcgoose
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Go for it. You'll be much happier and feel much more in control of your life. My family's stupid and feel like they've got to waste entire decades of their lives trying to care for my dad who has no prospect of ever being the son/brother/whatever they deserve. I cut my dad out after realising that I was destined for better things, and decided to skip the "but he's your dad... through thick and thin" crap because for me at least he's never been a positive person in my life nor has he the potential to be.

I'm aware that I sound angry, which is odd because I'm grateful that I'm not wasting precious youth entertaining the rest of my family's self punishment.
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Amnesia
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I think that you will be making a big mistake if you cut your father out of your life. Life is very short and you may regret your decision in a few years time and then it would be too late. You should also look at it from his perspective. Imagine what it is like to have your own child taken away from you and have to pay maintenance to your ex-wife? I can see why he wants to give you the money. Maybe your mother is influencing you by saying nasty things about him all the time. Also, I get the sense tht you are not exactly making a huge effort with him. I say you give it another try and keep trying.
The same goes for the other people who think that they are big cutting their fathers out of their life. You are all making a big mistake.
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gooseymcgoose
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(Original post by Amnesia)
Also, I get the sense tht you are not exactly making a huge effort with him.
It can be really distressing, and in the long term depressing to be around someone who's a father figure who you're failing to connect to and don't feel any affinity towards.

Single parents who get cut off can be victims of horrible undeserved circumstance but only a sucker would let themselves become another victim of it for the welfare of somebody who you share DNA with but nothing more.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Amnesia)
I think that you will be making a big mistake if you cut your father out of your life. Life is very short and you may regret your decision in a few years time and then it would be too late. You should also look at it from his perspective. Imagine what it is like to have your own child taken away from you and have to pay maintenance to your ex-wife? I can see why he wants to give you the money. Maybe your mother is influencing you by saying nasty things about him all the time. Also, I get the sense tht you are not exactly making a huge effort with him. I say you give it another try and keep trying.
The same goes for the other people who think that they are big cutting their fathers out of their life. You are all making a big mistake.
My mum hasn't said bad things bout my dad. She tries to keep me out of ot. My dad only did the maintanonce thing (i'm 19 now so its stpped now) to spite my mum. when i told him he couldn't do it cos of the court order (that id seen) he said "the courts can't touche me" and right then i saw a very differnt, spiteful side to my dad.

i tried to give him a second chance. yet he still made me feel as **** and depressed. i know i can't chnage who he is. i mean he tells people that he's taken me on holiday and that i stay over frequently. neither is true. whatever he thinks is true is in his head. and i have difficulty dealing with that when i know its not true
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guitargirl03
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(Original post by Amnesia)
I think that you will be making a big mistake if you cut your father out of your life. Life is very short and you may regret your decision in a few years time and then it would be too late. You should also look at it from his perspective. Imagine what it is like to have your own child taken away from you and have to pay maintenance to your ex-wife? I can see why he wants to give you the money. Maybe your mother is influencing you by saying nasty things about him all the time. Also, I get the sense tht you are not exactly making a huge effort with him. I say you give it another try and keep trying.
The same goes for the other people who think that they are big cutting their fathers out of their life. You are all making a big mistake.

Many people whose parents have divorced get along fine. Their parents still keep in touch, etc. However, in some circumstances, a parent may not make the effort with their child, i.e never keeping in touch, forgetting birthdays, telling their children lies, etc. which does not give them the right to be a dad. A dad is more than a gene thing. Becoming a parent is not an instant thing, it takes a long time, and if a parent is not prepared to work at it, then the child should be allowed to keep their distance.

I will never regret my decision. I found out that my parents got joint-custody, yet it's my mum who has helped me, pushed me and has had every faith in me, whereas my dad has very little idea of what I'm up to. The money which he gives to my mum every month for my brother and I is a small amount.

I found out my dad went on Safari in Africa, whilst telling my mum a bunch of lies about how he had so little money and he couldn't afford to send the money on time.

I'm sorry, but keeping in touch with a liar is not something I really want to do.
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Nancynance
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My dad left my mum when I was a year old, and we had an ok relationship until he went to prison for sexually assualting patients in the hospital where he works. Just because this man created you, he doesn't make you who you are. If you don't want him in your life, stay strong and move on. I wish you luck hun. x x x

Just a little thought, to Amnesia, do you think I should stay in touch with my dad, a convicted sexual assualter who makes me feel unsafe and afraid? Or do you think that I will regret it in ten years time when I don't have to tell my kids why I can't leave them alone with Grandpa, because I'm afraid of what he might do?
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