Cutting dad out of life-am i being too harsh? Watch

Amnesia
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#21
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#21
(Original post by not)
It can be really distressing, and in the long term depressing to be around someone who's a father figure who you're failing to connect to and don't feel any affinity towards.

Single parents who get cut off can be victims of horrible undeserved circumstance but only a sucker would let themselves become another victim of it for the welfare of somebody who you share DNA with but nothing more.
I am in a very similiar postion with my father. But I am not rash enough to just cut off contact no matter how difficult the situation is. We may not connect at the moment, but I don't want a situation where in ten years time I have no contact at all and no possible chance of any contect. As I said before life is very short and a lot can happen in 10 years. You should at least give yourself the chance to connect with your father.

(Original post by Anonymous)
My dad only did the maintanonce thing (i'm 19 now so its stpped now) to spite my mum. when i told him he couldn't do it cos of the court order (that id seen) he said "the courts can't touche me" and right then i saw a very differnt, spiteful side to my dad.
I don't blame him. Why should he be giving his own money to his ex-wife? There is nothing wrong with him giving the money directly to you. I fail to believe that the father is always in the wrong. In fact often it is a manipulative mother who stops the father building up a relationship with his son or daughter.

I will never regret my decision. I found out that my parents got joint-custody, yet it's my mum who has helped me, pushed me and has had every faith in me, whereas my dad has very little idea of what I'm up to. The money which he gives to my mum every month for my brother and I is a small amount.
I believe that you will regret your decision. Joint-custody is quite rare, usually it is awarded straight to the mother. I suspect you are living with your mother and have limited access to your father. It is very difficult to build up a good relationship with someone when you don't live with them and your access to them is limited. I certainly can't say every dad is perfect and maybe yours is not. But does that mean it is right to just completely end contact with him? At least if you give him a chance you can say that it was him who messed up and not you.

(Original post by Nancynance)
Just a little thought, to Amnesia, do you think I should stay in touch with my dad, a convicted sexual assualter who makes me feel unsafe and afraid? Or do you think that I will regret it in ten years time when I don't have to tell my kids why I can't leave them alone with Grandpa, because I'm afraid of what he might do?
This is a difficult situation and an extreme situation. If there is certain evidence that he did commit the crimes then it is totally acceptable for you not to keep in contact with him. Especially if he has not reformed his character. But if he is making a strong effort to reform and improve himself you should give him a chance. But only take it in small steps.
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frost105
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#22
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#22
I've been in a similiar situation and if you dont wantto talk to your father dont but give yourself the chance to move on from the situation and rebuild your relatiosnhip with him. I didnt speak to my dad for 2 years and then we just really started contacting each other and now even though you wouldnt call it a typical father-daughter relationship its a relationship non the less.
Our parents arent perfect and when it comes to the relationships between someone and an ex partner particularly when money and custody is involved it can get nasty but they are human and even though they probably know they shouldnt involve you they're emotions have gotten the better of them.

So long and short, its up to you if you want to stay in contact but leave the possiblity open to yourself in the future.
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beanie
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#23
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#23
hey, i can understand where you're coming from. sometimes it feels easier and safer to have people out of your life and cut them out completely, rather than having to deal with more pain.

my brothers and i were cut out of our fathers lives 6 years ago, we haven't heard (or seen) anything from him in this time. when i was younger i used to wish him out of my life- he had problems with alcohol, and abused my mum for as long as i can remember, as my older brother got older and started speaking out, my brother also got hurt too. the same thing happened when i got a little older. i hated him. eventually, my mum felt strong enough to leave permanently and they divorced, he left and remarried and had nothing to do with us. as far as i am concerned he is not a part of my life, and is nothing to me. he made that decision, not us and i really hope he regrets not being a part of his 3 children’s lives, as he was always too drunk to even when he was around.

but, don't cut off all links with your dad. i used to think i'd be happy the day i never had to see my father again as he just hurt us, but in reality not knowing him hurts just as much. its ok not to talk to him and not see him, but try not to completely cut him out if possible, as you don't know whats going to happen in the future. keep the opportunity to see your dad if you needed to, as thats what i want, just to have the option to see my father and know where he is. even if you never use that opportunity, keep it open.
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*Kates*
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#24
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#24
(Original post by Amnesia)
I think that you will be making a big mistake if you cut your father out of your life. Life is very short and you may regret your decision in a few years time and then it would be too late. You should also look at it from his perspective. Imagine what it is like to have your own child taken away from you and have to pay maintenance to your ex-wife? I can see why he wants to give you the money. Maybe your mother is influencing you by saying nasty things about him all the time. Also, I get the sense tht you are not exactly making a huge effort with him. I say you give it another try and keep trying.
The same goes for the other people who think that they are big cutting their fathers out of their life. You are all making a big mistake.
I don't agree with what you have put at all. Why should a father begrudge paying maintenance to an ex partner to pay for his child? Where do you think that money goes... on clothes for her mum?? The pittance that fathers are made to pay for their children each month is barely enough to go on shopping, let alone for the OP's mum to gain anything from it!

You say that the OP isn't making much of an effort herself... her dad and grandparents completely ignored her when she used to go round... that doesn't seem like a dad who wants to spend time with their child who they barely see! Why would she regret cutting him out of her life... it doesn't seem like there will be much to miss IMO.

Your right on one thing though, life is too short... her dad made his bed so he can lie in it... if life is short OP do what makes you happy, don't waste your life on someone who makes you deeply unhappy.. you wouldn't put up with it from a friend, just because he is your dad, doesn't mean you have to put up with it! Never feel guilty about your decision... just remember, you dad didn't feel guilty every time he upset you and ignored you... else he wouldn't have kept doing it!! I hope you do what is right for you and goodluck xx
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ChemistBoy
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#25
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#25
(Original post by katie lou)
IMO you have every right to be harsh to your bf, he has no right to tell you that he thinks you are being harsh by cutting your dad out of your life, at the end of the day, you know the pain your dad has put you and your mum through, not him!
Which may place him in a position to be more objective. My gf finds it difficult to deal with her daughter's father - I have made it very clear that I will support her, whatever choices she makes, but she must expect me to give my honest opinion of the situation before I do so.
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Jamie
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#26
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#26
(Original post by Anonymous)
so my bf thinks im being too harsh on my dad by cutting him out of my life. oh really? becuase last time i checked it was my descion as to what i do. i'm sorry but for the first time in my life i am doing somthing about the way my dad made me feel for years. i used to see my dad twice a week, mondays and thursdays. mondays were spent at his (read: my stepmums 8 bedroom house, as opposed to his old 1 bedroom flat) and thursdays at my nan and grandads.

every thursday, in the 2 hours spent there, i was ignored not just by my dad and step mum but my grandparents too. theyused to talk about whatever they felt like, and non of it included me. even when i tried to join in, the talk just moved onto something which didn't involve me. so for a good few years i just sat there and read magazines and newspapers. eventually i got sick of being treated that way and told my dad i'd only see him on mondays. my dads side of the family then decide this was my mothers doing (wrong-i do have a mind of my own) and subsequently spreads that around the town we live in (my nan is known for doing that-they even ****ged my mum off when i was in the same room on numerous occasions).

so then i see him mondays. it was around my 18th that there was a massive arguement. in short my mum asked if it wold be ok to put an annoucment in the paper, and refer to my stepdad as "dad". i said that was fine as i have always called him that and itd be an insult not to. that monday (paper cam out on thursday) i went to my dads and was given a little celebration for my 18th (the nextday). All is seemingly well. Or not, by the next monday my dad has suddenly decided that he'll no longer paythe maintence money to my mum (theres a court order that said he HAD to by law) but instead will give me money. i tell him he can't do this. i go home and explain things to my mum, she calls my dad to ask why, this results in him kicking off and calling her a stupid ***** and my mum ends up in tears. which in turn upsets me. i hate seeing my mum cry cos my dad has upset her. makes me wish i'd never been born at least then theyd be happy.

anyway, the next monday my dad is asking questions as soon as he's picked me up and i get in the car, he tells me my mum is tring to drive a wedge between us etc. i tell him i dont want to talk about it as its upsetting me, but no he carries on by the time we arrive as his i am in tears and basically telling him i never want to see him again. but this is my point, at that moment i couldn't follow it through. instead i let him make his excuses and give him a second chance. that night i'm still in a state and self harm for the first time in nearly 2 years

It got worse after that. Every monday i'd go round and i was the outsider. i wasn't part of their family. i wasn't included in family meals. i never had chance to talk to my dad alone as my step-mum was always around. i was never inlcuded in the convosations,and every night that i went home, i felt drained, and yes its pathetic, but every monday night resulted in me in tears.i felt lonely, worthless, guilty. i still do at times.

since i moved to uni, i've found it easier not to talk to him. anytime that i did, the convosations felt so false, and it still upset me. after a few months i decided i couldnt take it anymore so i haven't spoken to him since. i need him out of my life, for good. and that hurts too, cos at the end of the day he's my dad. yet he's just never felt like my dad, and i'll always wish he could have. but he can't and i have to move on.

so am i being to harsh? is it wrong for me to want to feel ok? is it wrong for me to want him to know how i have felt for so many years? part of me thinks im doing the right thing, but part of me feels i'm in the wrong.

sorry this is really long. :bawling:
i can't talk. despite my dad's repeated attempts to 'reach out' i have refused to talk to him since circa 1999.
family is the people you care about and who care about you. don't let anyone ever fool you into thinking its all about blood and genetics, because that's a load of rubbish.
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[email protected]
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#27
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#27
No your not being selfish/harsh. Tell the ******* to **** off if you don't want to see him. Sorry if this upsets you me calling him names but to me he does sound like a complete *******. Doesn't sound like your grandparents are much better. Do you still talk to them? What about your step-mother? Can't you ask her to leave you alone for awhile why you talk to your dad in private?
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Brown Eyed Girl
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#28
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I've cut my dad out of my life, kinda, not that i had a great deal of choice but meh...
some people say its wrong that on somedays i give him the time of day cause of what he did. others say hes your dad you shouldn't of done that.

Who gives a crap lol? they arnt the ones who are stuck with your dad.
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gorgeousguy
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#29
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Am I not correct in thinking that after the age of 18 he has no legal respocibility to pay maintanence for you? If a court has order him to pay maintanence to your mother in lew of say pension rights (gets a bit complicated) then its differency. However if it is just child support then I think all court orders will cease to be at the age of 18.
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amie
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If it were me in the position, I'd try to meet my Dad for some time together away from his house and wife. That way, you might be able to bond again and forge some kind of relationship. If that doesn't work, then maybe stop seeing him... but I wouldn't cut him out until I'd given it one last try.
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guitargirl03
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#31
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(Original post by mrsmiley)
Am I not correct in thinking that after the age of 18 he has no legal respocibility to pay maintanence for you? If a court has order him to pay maintanence to your mother in lew of say pension rights (gets a bit complicated) then its differency. However if it is just child support then I think all court orders will cease to be at the age of 18.
I believe it's up until you are 18 and have left further education. If a parent is paid maintenance and their child doesn't go to college, sixth form, etc, then they don't have to pay.
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Clairehayz
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#32
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Just because he was the man that conceived you with your mum, it does not make him in any way your dad after the way he behaved, he is just the sperm donor.
Ultimately you're over 18 and it's your choice what to do!
If your step-dad has been a good dad and has been there for you, you have all the family you need.
It's not harsh, what you are doing, it's better for you and you're being realistic. GOOD ON YOU!
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frost105
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(Original post by guitargirl03)
I believe it's up until you are 18 and have left further education. If a parent is paid maintenance and their child doesn't go to college, sixth form, etc, then they don't have to pay.
If there are outsatnding arrears owed then they will be collected until there clear. But the rule is child maintaince is paid until child benefit is no longer received for the qualifying child.
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Anonymous #1
#34
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#34
(Original post by mrsmiley)
Am I not correct in thinking that after the age of 18 he has no legal respocibility to pay maintanence for you? If a court has order him to pay maintanence to your mother in lew of say pension rights (gets a bit complicated) then its differency. However if it is just child support then I think all court orders will cease to be at the age of 18.
hence why i said it had stopped now, and it the maintenaince stopped after i had left 6th form the following july. he also has managed not to contribute a pnny to my university fess/accom/living etc. whereas my mum and stepdad have gone to great lengths to ensure i can afford it, and i myself work a ****ty job in a nightclub for a measly £4.50 p.h. Thatsaid he's never liked to part with money, unless he thinks it will by him my love. I once said "dad, money cannot by you love" and he told me "well what can it do then" or something to that effect. my step mum was telling me "oh your dad spent money on you etc etc" and to be honest i would have values time withhim more than any money he could give.
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Echelon
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#35
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(Original post by Anonymous)
so my bf thinks im being too harsh on my dad by cutting him out of my life. oh really? becuase last time i checked it was my descion as to what i do. i'm sorry but for the first time in my life i am doing somthing about the way my dad made me feel for years. i used to see my dad twice a week, mondays and thursdays. mondays were spent at his (read: my stepmums 8 bedroom house, as opposed to his old 1 bedroom flat) and thursdays at my nan and grandads.

every thursday, in the 2 hours spent there, i was ignored not just by my dad and step mum but my grandparents too. theyused to talk about whatever they felt like, and non of it included me. even when i tried to join in, the talk just moved onto something which didn't involve me. so for a good few years i just sat there and read magazines and newspapers. eventually i got sick of being treated that way and told my dad i'd only see him on mondays. my dads side of the family then decide this was my mothers doing (wrong-i do have a mind of my own) and subsequently spreads that around the town we live in (my nan is known for doing that-they even ****ged my mum off when i was in the same room on numerous occasions).

so then i see him mondays. it was around my 18th that there was a massive arguement. in short my mum asked if it wold be ok to put an annoucment in the paper, and refer to my stepdad as "dad". i said that was fine as i have always called him that and itd be an insult not to. that monday (paper cam out on thursday) i went to my dads and was given a little celebration for my 18th (the nextday). All is seemingly well. Or not, by the next monday my dad has suddenly decided that he'll no longer paythe maintence money to my mum (theres a court order that said he HAD to by law) but instead will give me money. i tell him he can't do this. i go home and explain things to my mum, she calls my dad to ask why, this results in him kicking off and calling her a stupid ***** and my mum ends up in tears. which in turn upsets me. i hate seeing my mum cry cos my dad has upset her. makes me wish i'd never been born at least then theyd be happy.

anyway, the next monday my dad is asking questions as soon as he's picked me up and i get in the car, he tells me my mum is tring to drive a wedge between us etc. i tell him i dont want to talk about it as its upsetting me, but no he carries on by the time we arrive as his i am in tears and basically telling him i never want to see him again. but this is my point, at that moment i couldn't follow it through. instead i let him make his excuses and give him a second chance. that night i'm still in a state and self harm for the first time in nearly 2 years

It got worse after that. Every monday i'd go round and i was the outsider. i wasn't part of their family. i wasn't included in family meals. i never had chance to talk to my dad alone as my step-mum was always around. i was never inlcuded in the convosations,and every night that i went home, i felt drained, and yes its pathetic, but every monday night resulted in me in tears.i felt lonely, worthless, guilty. i still do at times.

since i moved to uni, i've found it easier not to talk to him. anytime that i did, the convosations felt so false, and it still upset me. after a few months i decided i couldnt take it anymore so i haven't spoken to him since. i need him out of my life, for good. and that hurts too, cos at the end of the day he's my dad. yet he's just never felt like my dad, and i'll always wish he could have. but he can't and i have to move on.

so am i being to harsh? is it wrong for me to want to feel ok? is it wrong for me to want him to know how i have felt for so many years? part of me thinks im doing the right thing, but part of me feels i'm in the wrong.

sorry this is really long. :bawling:
First of all, be careful not to start being mean to your boyfriend here. He's only trying to help and offer his opinion. Of course it is your decision, and I am sure he will accept whatever you choose, but I imagine he wants what is best for you. Don't take it out on him too much.

I see your point about your dad. I'm not sure if completely shutting him out forever is the answer. To be honest, as you get older you see your parents less and less anyway. It would be a shame to formally break the chain having gone through all the pain to keep it going until now. So I guess I am advising you stop seeing him (if that is what you want) but don't do it formally. Just through lack of conversation/ meeting.

I am sorry you have had to go through all that. :hugs:
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SciFi25
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#36
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To be quite honest I think you are doing the right thing. You cannot live with someone who makes you unhappy, so stop punishing yourself by seeing him as soon as possible.

I am in a similar situation with my dad, I am pretty sure that there won't be much contact at all between us when I move out. I am not upset one bit about it either.
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