HERPES! And haven't told my boyfriend.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#1
I have genital herpes.

I haven't told my boyfriend.

We have had unprotected sex for about 2 months now.

Arrggh! Please don't go on about how bad this is - I feel really, really awful for not having told him. I was just so embarrassed, and didn't know how to. I am taking anti-viral drugs, so statistically there is a less than 2% chance that he will contract it if we have sex without condoms for a year - and even if he does get it, there's an 80% he won't have any symptoms at all. But this doesn't make the situation ok, and I really need a way to tell him. But I really don't want to have to admit I hadn't told him all this time. I love him hugely and care about him a lot - please don't suggest that not telling him means I don't - and really want to find a way to undo the damage and not let it come between us as a major issue.

Thank for any advice.
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unprinted
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#2
Report 8 years ago
#2
You probably already know that people who don't think they have an STI of any kind expect that people who know they do will disclose that fact, prior to having any sexual contact. They're optimistic about that, because people 'with' frequently don't, for a variety of reasons. But it does mean that disclosing later can be increasingly problematic the longer you wait. Particularly if you've not been doing everything you can to avoid passing it on, i.e. using condoms. So if you're going to tell, it's better to tell him now than in a year's time or...

Did the pair of you have a check-up prior to having unprotected sex? Especially if you didn't, is pretending that you have just had the diagnosis an option? "I was feeling a bit itchy on my vulva / wherever, so I have just been to the doctors and OMG, it turns out..."? Having fresh packs of the drugs and a small pile of leaflets would help.
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Zarek
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#3
Report 8 years ago
#3
My gf told me and it didn't really put me off and it has never been an issue for us - i did value her honesty though. The first outbeak is the worst and this std doesn't present a barrier to relationships and to having children. To be honest in your position, having not spoken up first thing, I think you should consider keeping quiet. The only other option is to speak up immediately.
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Benlaw92
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#4
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#4
So you knew and still had unprotected sex with him for 2 months? Or have you only just found out after 2 months?
If you did know, then why didn't you just have protected sex if you didn't want to tell him?
Just tell him now before this gets out of hand, say you're sorry and you were embarrassed. Even after you tell him, you should use a condom to prevent STIs.
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Zarek
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#5
Report 8 years ago
#5
(Original post by Benlaw92)
So you knew and still had unprotected sex with him for 2 months? Or have you only just found out after 2 months?
If you did know, then why didn't you just have protected sex if you didn't want to tell him?
Just tell him now before this gets out of hand, say you're sorry and you were embarrassed. Even after you tell him, you should use a condom to prevent STIs.
So, it's not quite so easy as this. Herpes is one of the sti that condoms don't offer anything like complete protection to - ie loads of people have caught it who do have safe sex. It is also spread by general skin to skin contact and oral sex. Fortunately outside of outbreaks the risk of transmission is low.
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Benlaw92
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Zarek)
So, it's not quite so easy as this. Herpes is one of the sti that condoms don't offer anything like complete protection to - ie loads of people have caught it who do have safe sex. It is also spread by general skin to skin contact and oral sex. Fortunately outside of outbreaks the risk of transmission is low.
Yes but what I mean is surely if you knew, you'd take all precautions possible?
Even if wearing a condom reduces the chances of spreading herpes by 1%, wouldn't you wear it?
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unprinted
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#7
Report 8 years ago
#7
Disclosure is only easy if you don't have anything to disclose.

As far as I know - and I do have check-ups - I don't have any STIs (unless you count HSV-1, the strain that gives lots of people coldsores) but I can absolutely see why people who have HIV / HSV-2 / etc do not immediately disclose.
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Zarek
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#8
Report 8 years ago
#8
(Original post by Benlaw92)
Yes but what I mean is surely if you knew, you'd take all precautions possible?
Even if wearing a condom reduces the chances of spreading herpes by 1%, wouldn't you wear it?
Having read up about this std - which My gf's honesty allowed me to do - I took the decision to be relaxed ie no problem with oral sex (does anyone use dental dams?) and in due course sex without condom. As far as I know I have not contracted herpes and in the long time we have been together she has only had one mild outbreak.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#9
Thanks for all your answers. I know I should have told him, but I was so terrified of the stigma and him just assuming I'm this really promiscuous girl etc...which I know is silly, but hey. As to why sex without a condom, we never used one - I was on the pill, he's only had sex with one other person, and we didn't even discuss it. Then the moment passed, and once we had for the first time, I just then felt unable to say actually, wait, I have genital herpes...

I guess I am going to have to 'discover' it some time soon, because I don't want to keep him in the dark. Is it plausible for me to say I have just noticed something now and am going to get it checked out? He trusts me (correctly), but is there a risk he will assume straight off that I must have cheated if I do it like this?
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Zarek
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#10
Report 8 years ago
#10
I really would consider telling the truth. I think I might smell a rat with what you suggest and the lie could be worse than the original non disclosure. I think that saying you were embarrassed and knew that the risk of him catching it was low but now regret not being upfront is reasonable. I could accept this if I cared about the girl.
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unprinted
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#11
Report 8 years ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
Is it plausible for me to say I have just noticed something now and am going to get it checked out? He trusts me (correctly), but is there a risk he will assume straight off that I must have cheated if I do it like this?
It's up to you. Being completely honest has the risk of 'you should have told me'.

As you know - and as the leaflets will doubtless say - it's possible to have this for a while without any signs.
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#12
The guy I caught it from claimed (and I believe him) that he'd never had any symptoms, and the standard STD checks don't look for it, so I think it would be plausible to have just discovered it. That way I have come clean AND don't have to go through the awful 'why didn't you just say' thing.

I don't think he'd break up because of the risk of getting it, but I think he would be very upset, partly at least because of how he views sex - as something very pure and noble - and this would kind of tarnish that. But I know I am just going to have to go for it...
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toukolou
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
him just assuming I'm this really promiscuous girl etc... he's only had sex with one other person
He trusts me (correctly), but is there a risk he will assume straight off that I must have cheated if I do it like this?
You're a nice piece of work. You're bf has acted responsibly to this point (at least he was herpes free to this point) and you reward him with an incurable condition. Wtf?! Are you so delusional you actually believe you are trustworthy no less!:hahaha:
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't think he'd break up because of the risk of getting it, but I think he would be very upset, partly at least because of how he views sex - as something very pure and noble - and this would kind of tarnish that. But I know I am just going to have to go for it...
Oh I think he's gonna be pretty upset you've been riding whilst harboring your infection. Never mind pure and noble, there isn't a pure and noble curly hair on your body. Fess up so he can move on and you can act the slapper without fear, spreading the gift that keeps giving.
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unprinted
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#14
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#14
There's no indication that he's caught anything. If you look at the risk involved, it's very very probable that he has not.

I did wonder how long it would take before a comment like this appeared. I suppose it's a good sign that it was so long.
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MehMachine
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#15
Report 8 years ago
#15
(Original post by Anonymous)
I have genital herpes.

I haven't told my boyfriend.

I was just so embarrassed, and didn't know how to. I am taking anti-viral drugs, so statistically there is a less than 2% chance that he will contract it if we have sex without condoms for a year - and even if he does get it, there's an 80% he won't have any symptoms at all.
That is just a narrative you're telling yourself in order to convince your brain it's a smaller and smaller issue than it really is.

(Original post by Anonymous)
I have genital herpes.

Please don't suggest that not telling him means I don't - and really want to find a way to undo the damage and not let it come between us as a major issue.
Somehow implying you contracting a major lifelong viral illness that will effect children and the rest of your lives, WHILE putting him at risk isn't a major issue? :facepalm:

Advice:

He has about the same risk as getting it as getting pregnant on the pill!!!!! TELL HIM.

If he gets it and you knowingly didn't tell him that constitutes a CRIMINAL OFFENCE and he will never forgive you.

Something you don't want to hear... He will know you didn't tell him all this time if you tell him anyway so don't even worry about that.

You did the cheating and so have to pay the social consequences, one of those may be leaving the relationship. One thing is for sure though.

No one deserves to pay for someones guilt with the risk of Herpes. I mean come on...

Meh,
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toukolou
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#16
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#16
(Original post by unprinted)
There's no indication that he's caught anything. If you look at the risk involved, it's very very probable that he has not.

I did wonder how long it would take before a comment like this appeared. I suppose it's a good sign that it was so long.
The risk is not the issue. Having unprotected sex whilst harboring ANY type of STI is enormously irresponsible behaviour.

The fact that the OP shows such little regard for her bf's perspective on sex (pure and noble, remember?) indicates a shallowness a mile wide.

Read her post again "...and even if he does get it there's an 80% chance he'll have no symptoms at all" Wtf? You're defending that?
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unprinted
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#17
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#17
(Original post by MehMachine)
If he gets it and you knowingly didn't tell him that constitutes a CRIMINAL OFFENCE
May be a criminal offence. Criminalisation of STI transmission is incredibly dodgy from a public health point of view: the courts started prosecuting people for unintentional HIV transmission after the last government said it shouldn't happen and gave good reasons as to why it shouldn't.

Currently, CPS guidance says "The degree of foreseen risk which would make a person 'reckless' depends on the reasonableness or otherwise of the risk taken in the circumstances known to that person at the time the decision was made." Specifically, doing something to greatly reduce that risk will make it not reckless. The classic example is using condoms if you know you have HIV but - for a variety of good reasons - don't want to tell a casual partner.

Here, she is on medication that reduces the chance of transmission to the risk of being pregnant while on the pill. Personally, I'd say that puts it into the 'not reckless' category.

(Original post by MehMachine)
You did the cheating and so have to pay the social consequences,
There's no indication that there was 'cheating' - this was from a prior relationship. Unless you're saying all pre-marital sex is cheating..?
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unprinted
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#18
Report 8 years ago
#18
(Original post by toukolou)
Wtf? You're defending that?
I'm saying it happens. More than you think. If you've ever had a cold sore, do you tell anyone and everyone you kiss or are otherwise physically intimate with ahead of time? If not, why not?

If saying 'Oooh, that's wrong, you mustn't do that' actually worked, no-one would smoke or do recreational drugs.

In this context, reactions of 'OMG you have HSV-2 / HIV / etc' horror are why some people with them don't disclose immediately. You can't undisclose and you can see from another poster that some people think anyone with HSV-2 should suffer the social consequences.

Here, she's accepting that she has not done the best thing, but she wants to disclose now. I think that deserves applause, not opprobrium.
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toukolou
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#19
Report 8 years ago
#19
(Original post by unprinted)
Here, she's accepting that she has not done the best thing, but she wants to disclose now. I think that deserves applause, not opprobrium.
She's accepting she's done wrong with many qualifiers attached. She needs a right kick in the backside to wake her up to the fact she should not try and save herself from suffering the social consequences at her bf's expense.

I ask what is the benefit she has gained by waiting to defer the social stigma attached? A betrayal of her boyfriends trust and his physical integrity. The fact she is even considering telling him she "just" found out should tell you all you need to know about her character.
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MehMachine
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#20
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#20
Yeah, correction I read cheating when it was just from a previous! =]
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