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In a secret relationship with ex-tutor..feel insecure & boyfriend doesn't help me. Watch

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    Background:

    About 7 months ago, I got into a secret relationship with my ex-literature tutor; there's a 20 year age difference. I'm 19. The reason it's secret is because I'm still currently a student at the college (already got two A-levels; A* and A)..now taking one final A-level in 1 year, due to start uni in Sep.

    But anyway, the relationship is just utterly exhausting. I feel like I put so much effort into the relationship but he always says I'm selfish and only put effort into things that I want. Whenever I see him on weekends or whatever, I always have to get two trains to his house (sometimes he's still in bed) and I have to knock and/or ring him until he answers and then when I'm there, acts as though he'd rather I wasn't. It was his birthday last month and I put so much thought and effort into the presents I got for him, only for him to say that I didn't listen when he fleetingly said he didn't want anything and just effectively threw it all back in my face.

    I feel insecure and unloved, he feels overwhelmed and embarrassed in himself. I lost my virginity to him (which he knows) but he'll often say things (after sex) such as 'well, I did all the work there'/'you just lay there' or 'ah, you got what you wanted'. It's incredibly knocking to here the person you're most and first intimate with make you feel sexually inferior - he says these things repeatedly. In the heat of a recent argument, I said that maybe the reason I always wanted sex (which for one isn't true) was because it was the only time I felt affection from him. He said I was confusing affection with attention. There was also an instance when he said he didn't want to 'go down' because I hadn't showered that day - when I actually had. He'll make me feel unhealthy whenever I don't eat all the salad or something he cooks and makes me feel unfit because I can't walk as fast as him. He calls me demanding and says that I constantly throw tantrums, sulks or get in moods with him over nothing.

    The other weekend, his friend text him at about 12AM to say she was coming over to his and he said that I'd have to just pretend to be somebody else. I got really upset and said you can't pick and choose when we're in a secret relationship; there's no believeable explanation a 19 year old to be in your house at that time. He started shouting at me saying I was stopping him from seeing his friends, his family, doing his work - he even refered to a colleage who had cancer and said I stopped him from going to her leaving-do. I was in tears at what he was saying and because I can't win arguments with him - he's too articulate and stubborn. He then just left.

    We met for a coffee the other day and I got upset over the way he was talking to me and he told me to grow up/learn to control myself and then left me in the middle of town because 'people were looking'.

    I'm always the one to text about doing something or seeing each other, he'll usually agree but never initiate effort. He says that whenever I make arrangements I'm 'planning/controlling his days' and 'assuming he has no plans' - but I don't see what else I can do when he never makes plans with me. During this easter holidays, I text him saying we should go to the cinema and have some fun - he later threw down some work folders and shouted at me for being ignorant of his work and just assuming he didn't have any. Though throughout the holidays, I made four attempts to spend time together working - him marking, me revising - he didn't do any work on those days and will constantly blame me for stopping him working.

    What should I do? I'm so confused as to which of us is being unreasonable.
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    You've posted about this before. Can't see why you'd stay with him.
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    This doesn't sound like a good relationship, leave him and find someone who appreciates you
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    I didn't read all of the drivel that you've posted but I think I've got the gist of what's going on here, that is, he took advantage of you. Did you really expect a healthy relationship to blossom? You should've left him by now but the fact that you're still with him only further proves that you're a silly little girl. End it with him quietly, perhaps only then will you retrieve some of the dignity he stole from you.
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    Stop posting the same things on here? Our advice will remain the same no matter how many times you post this. Get rid of him.
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    (Original post by OU Student)
    You've posted about this before. Can't see why you'd stay with him.
    I know I have but surely you appreciate that it is hard to determine a relationship's sustainability on logic alone: I feel rather alone in this situation (given it's a secret) - getting advice from people on here helps.
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    In all honesty, I don't think he sees you as a girlfriend. From the sounds of it, to him, you're not really much more than a girl he sleeps with, and he feels guilty for it, probably largely due to your age and the knowledge that he's taking advantage as someone in an authoritative position. Although he's a 'mature adult', he seems to be too cowardly to let you down gently. It's probably not what you wanna hear, but this man isn't gonna be any good for you. Quit while you're somewhat ahead.
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    (Original post by Gummibaerchen)
    Stop posting the same things on here? Our advice will remain the same no matter how many times you post this. Get rid of him.
    Perhaps posting again was, in fact, intended for those who haven't already commented. Like I've just said to another reply, getting advice helps - I wasn't expecting those who've already read to reply again.
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    He's using you. Can't see any reason why you're with him at all.
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    I think the pressure of the relationship and it's consequences is making your relatioship suffer. I don't know if it's different at your college but at my sixthform, student teacher/tutor relationships are strictly prohibited even if the student is 16+.

    The consequences for him could be major, whether he teaches you now or before. He could lose his job and be barred from the teaching profession.

    I'd end the relationship, it will help you both out in the long run. You could still remain friends.
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    I've looked at a through of your other threads, and to me it really doesn't seem to be working between you two.

    First you thought he was playing you, and then you were worried about looking too young and then worried about his ex. From the looks of thing you've been feeling like this a while. My advice to you would be to spend some time apart. Obviously the age difference puts a strain on your relationship and perhaps it won't be too difficult once you've left college and can tell people that you're together - it seems to me that you have a lot of feelings and can't really talk to anybody about it. Maybe him not wanting to spend time with you is in case anybody see's you as his job could really be at risk. I think it'll be a lot easier once you've left and things should start to improve from there.
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    (Original post by Reaffy)
    Perhaps posting again was, in fact, intended for those who haven't already commented. Like I've just said to another reply, getting advice helps - I wasn't expecting those who've already read to reply again.
    I understand but if a mod notices it'll probably get deleted anyway. You could just bump the previous thread. Not really meant to create identical threads as far as I'm aware.
    You're in a rubbish situation I appreciate that but you need to get out of it because he doesn't sound like he is particularly nice.
    He's pretty much getting his kicks and has no concern for you. You can do better.
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    Another young girl being used by an older guy. Cant say I have ever heard of that situation before.

    I mean really, cmon, if only you could take a step back and see how ridiculous you sound.
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    (Original post by Reaffy)
    Background:

    About 7 months ago, I got into a secret relationship with my ex-literature tutor; there's a 20 year age difference. I'm 19. The reason it's secret is because I'm still currently a student at the college (already got two A-levels; A* and A)..now taking one final A-level in 1 year, due to start uni in Sep.

    But anyway, the relationship is just utterly exhausting. I feel like I put so much effort into the relationship but he always says I'm selfish and only put effort into things that I want. Whenever I see him on weekends or whatever, I always have to get two trains to his house (sometimes he's still in bed) and I have to knock and/or ring him until he answers and then when I'm there, acts as though he'd rather I wasn't. It was his birthday last month and I put so much thought and effort into the presents I got for him, only for him to say that I didn't listen when he fleetingly said he didn't want anything and just effectively threw it all back in my face.

    I feel insecure and unloved, he feels overwhelmed and embarrassed in himself. I lost my virginity to him (which he knows) but he'll often say things (after sex) such as 'well, I did all the work there'/'you just lay there' or 'ah, you got what you wanted'. It's incredibly knocking to here the person you're most and first intimate with make you feel sexually inferior - he says these things repeatedly. In the heat of a recent argument, I said that maybe the reason I always wanted sex (which for one isn't true) was because it was the only time I felt affection from him. He said I was confusing affection with attention. There was also an instance when he said he didn't want to 'go down' because I hadn't showered that day - when I actually had. He'll make me feel unhealthy whenever I don't eat all the salad or something he cooks and makes me feel unfit because I can't walk as fast as him. He calls me demanding and says that I constantly throw tantrums, sulks or get in moods with him over nothing.

    The other weekend, his friend text him at about 12AM to say she was coming over to his and he said that I'd have to just pretend to be somebody else. I got really upset and said you can't pick and choose when we're in a secret relationship; there's no believeable explanation a 19 year old to be in your house at that time. He started shouting at me saying I was stopping him from seeing his friends, his family, doing his work - he even refered to a colleage who had cancer and said I stopped him from going to her leaving-do. I was in tears at what he was saying and because I can't win arguments with him - he's too articulate and stubborn. He then just left.

    We met for a coffee the other day and I got upset over the way he was talking to me and he told me to grow up/learn to control myself and then left me in the middle of town because 'people were looking'.

    I'm always the one to text about doing something or seeing each other, he'll usually agree but never initiate effort. He says that whenever I make arrangements I'm 'planning/controlling his days' and 'assuming he has no plans' - but I don't see what else I can do when he never makes plans with me. During this easter holidays, I text him saying we should go to the cinema and have some fun - he later threw down some work folders and shouted at me for being ignorant of his work and just assuming he didn't have any. Though throughout the holidays, I made four attempts to spend time together working - him marking, me revising - he didn't do any work on those days and will constantly blame me for stopping him working.

    What should I do? I'm so confused as to which of us is being unreasonable.
    He's talking advantage of you. I sympathise with you because it sounds as if you love him, but don't let yourself be a victim if his abuse. This could be the start of a long life of torture.
    Maybe he'll realise what he lost when you're gone. Everytime your going back to him, a piece of your dignity is going


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    (Original post by OU Student)
    You've posted about this before. Can't see why you'd stay with him.
    This. I also agree with the poster who says the advice is still going to be the same.

    I do empathise slightly as I have been in somewhat of a relationship with a uni tutor and got treated badly. There comes a point though where you have to try and stand up for yourself and have the guts to walk away, even if you (think you) love him :sadnod:
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    I think you need to come to terms with the fact you've just been used, breach of teacher - student boundaries. You've been taken advantage of and the only winner is him.
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    (Original post by luke2511)
    I've looked at a through of your other threads, and to me it really doesn't seem to be working between you two.

    First you thought he was playing you, and then you were worried about looking too young and then worried about his ex. From the looks of thing you've been feeling like this a while. My advice to you would be to spend some time apart. Obviously the age difference puts a strain on your relationship and perhaps it won't be too difficult once you've left college and can tell people that you're together - it seems to me that you have a lot of feelings and can't really talk to anybody about it. Maybe him not wanting to spend time with you is in case anybody see's you as his job could really be at risk. I think it'll be a lot easier once you've left and things should start to improve from there.
    I'd actually completely forgotten about those first two threads. Thank you for this reply..it's strangely enlightening.
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    This. I also agree with the poster who says the advice is still going to be the same.

    I do empathise slightly as I have been in somewhat of a relationship with a uni tutor and got treated badly. There comes a point though where you have to try and stand up for yourself and have the guts to walk away, even if you (think you) love him :sadnod:
    Advice will be the same, naturally, from the same posters but not necessarily from new ones - that's why I posted again.

    Thanks for your reply.
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    He feels guilty and wants it to stop, hence him being such a douche. Break up.
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    (Original post by Reaffy)
    Advice will be the same, naturally, from the same posters but not necessarily from new ones - that's why I posted again.

    Thanks for your reply.
    There's clearly a pattern emerging in the answers though. I know it's hard for you to see it and take it on board, because you're in the thick of it and you care about him a lot. Realistically though, in the cold light of day, there is really only one way to see such a situation :sadnod:
 
 
 
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