Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    I'll try and keep this short. Me n my ex went out for about two years
    Hes moved abroad, but he's returning in a few months.
    We were madly in love, families weren't too happy. Broke up, sort of got the go ahead but he was still apparently heartbroken from the break up.
    He's messaged and said he'd like to be friends, I said no as Im not over him to be able to do that.
    So, I would like to send him one last message just for closure, as its still left open

    How does this sound;
    I loved u, I always have and probably in some ways always will.
    I could and would have married you, we were so close to so many times, and now we've been granted permission you don't take it. I don't understand why. I thought it was simple as we love one another, but you can't see past the fact I made one mistake. You made them too, more than once but I always took you back with open arms. You couldn't grant me the same. I wanted to be a part of your everything, I wanted you to be part of my everything, I wanted to make you happy, complete, secure, to see your love for me in your eyes forever, show you just how important you are to me. This is how I know that although you're everything I want its a blessing i disguise, I guess we aren't right for one another.I need to leave you alone, give you space, allow you to accomplish all that I know you shall, I know I cannot be a part of it. and yes, last we spoke you said we should be friends and stay in touch, but I'm sorry that cannot be. As I said I can pretend to be, but it hurts so that you must be over me then. Some days I look at you and feel so empowered and fulfilled, and scared at just how much I would do for you and the things you did for me and the places you showed me and other days I would look at you and feel sick that I let you in after how you've treated me. I told you I did not expect a certain response but honestly it hurt that you never took the chance. I hear someone mention your name, or a friend will ask about you, or mum will ask how you are and I feel like I'm dying inside, god it hurts so bad. Or something will happen that I'd like to tell you and remember I can't, you've gone. I wish you were here and I miss you, but I'm okay, mostly I have good days. Maybe when you return in a few months we'll see how things are... Anyways, take care and I truly wish you all the best. Be happy my baby. I'm sorry for everything ... X

    To some extent I still want him back, but I speak in past tense as Im just really hurt and upset.
    I've tried to convey that yes, what we had was amazing but, he wasn't perfect (neither was I) and he could have tried more and easily have saved it all.
    But I'm not sure if I should remove some parts, and play it cool and not let him know just how bad I'm aching? And if I sound regretful and bi***y ? And if I should rid of the part where theres still a chance when he returns?

    Maybe I should scrap the entire message and take some inspiration from lyrics/quotes/threads lol


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    What would you accomplish by sending this message? I can honestly say that you should only send this message if you truly intend on never speaking with your ex again. This is the only way that you can actually feel any true closure from it. It is only if you intend on closing this chapter of your life and moving on permanently, but if you wish to see how things are with him when he returns, I would not send it.

    From what I can see, you do not seem to be ready to try for real closure. You still seem to be hurting over the break up quite a bit and from your language, you still address him as if you two were together. I've been going through the same process of trying to find this thing called ''closure'' and I still haven't found it yet. But, I've heard that it comes only at the very end of the grieving process, from yourself and yourself only.

    So if you want an outside opinion, I believe it would best to save this for the future. If you care for this person still, you may also wish to omit use of intimate language like ''my baby''. You should rest both of your hearts and when you are ready to give him that letter, you should be truer to the situation. Explain your feelings and explain your thoughts, but do so in a way that shows that you two are no longer together by using language meant for a friend, rather than a partner.

    In the end, it is up to you to choose how to do it. You should send this letter when you are truly ready to move on and you should acknowledge this too in the letter. Acknowledge the full possibility that there is no chance for reconciliation and write it as you will never see or speak to him again. That is the only way to truly feel a measure of closure.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    If you love someone, always fight for it, no matter the circumstances.

    If he is truly over you, wouldn't you want him in your life as friends, than not in your life at all?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by RemiMarcelle)
    If you love someone, always fight for it, no matter the circumstances.

    If he is truly over you, wouldn't you want him in your life as friends, than not in your life at all?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I don't think he is over me... Its just his anger talking, but maybe he is
    I would like him to be friends, but he still says cruel things and as a friend it shouldn't affect me so badly.
    If we were to be friends we'd either end up hating each other or things would develop and we'd end up being more again


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Read this: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/201...t-friends.html

    Also accept the fact that we don't always get closure in life, a lot of the time you have to give yourself closure. Trying to connect the strings later on will get more messy than it will be useful.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ldfire10035)
    What would you accomplish by sending this message? I can honestly say that you should only send this message if you truly intend on never speaking with your ex again. This is the only way that you can actually feel any true closure from it. It is only if you intend on closing this chapter of your life and moving on permanently, but if you wish to see how things are with him when he returns, I would not send it.

    From what I can see, you do not seem to be ready to try for real closure. You still seem to be hurting over the break up quite a bit and from your language, you still address him as if you two were together. I've been going through the same process of trying to find this thing called ''closure'' and I still haven't found it yet. But, I've heard that it comes only at the very end of the grieving process, from yourself and yourself only.

    So if you want an outside opinion, I believe it would best to save this for the future. If you care for this person still, you may also wish to omit use of intimate language like ''my baby''. You should rest both of your hearts and when you are ready to give him that letter, you should be truer to the situation. Explain your feelings and explain your thoughts, but do so in a way that shows that you two are no longer together by using language meant for a friend, rather than a partner.

    In the end, it is up to you to choose how to do it. You should send this letter when you are truly ready to move on and you should acknowledge this too in the letter. Acknowledge the full possibility that there is no chance for reconciliation and write it as you will never see or speak to him again. That is the only way to truly feel a measure of closure.
    I wanted to send it so he knows how I feel. As when we spoke last I was quite blunt and harsh and I know he thinks I've become a bit of a b****. So I wanted him to know that thats not the case.
    I have the intention of blocking him out, this time for good, but theres always the possibility, the slight chance of what if ....
    Sometimes I feel as though I'm over it, as we hadn't spoken for ages and when he did message his tone and comments were harsh that I feel so much anger towards him. But when he eventually tells me he misses me I forget it all.

    I don't think we'll ever be just friends, there will always be come thing more thats why I feel I need to just cut him out and move on.

    I'd like to ask, from the little you seem to know of him, would you try and make things work...maybe take him back if possible?

    Hope you gain the 'closure' you want too and thanks for replying


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Millie228)
    Read this: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/201...t-friends.html

    Also accept the fact that we don't always get closure in life, a lot of the time you have to give yourself closure. Trying to connect the strings later on will get more messy than it will be useful.
    Yeah, think the message will give me the closure I need to let go



    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Little_missy01)
    Yeah, think the message will give me the closure I need to let go



    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I wouldn't send anything at all. It will encourage further interaction and send the wrong signals. He clearly needs to heal, and in spite of what girls often think, this won't help him. Forget it and move on. It's best for you and it's best for him.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Millie228)
    I wouldn't send anything at all. It will encourage further interaction and send the wrong signals. He clearly needs to heal, and in spite of what girls often think, this won't help him. Forget it and move on. It's best for you and it's best for him.
    I had a feeling Id get this response
    Just a part of me wanted someone to agree with me lol



    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    As far as I am concerned, and excuse me if you don't like what I say, but "Neither you nor him should ever have made that mistake, one mistake is already too many, if you truly loved him then you should not have been looking anywhere else, and the same goes for him too."

    @Millie228, and what you don't realise is that many boys, "never" heal whether she cuts communication or not, what has happened is something that stays with a guy forever. Your solution is way too cut and dry.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You obviously still want him back, there ain't no 'sort of' about it. Be real! You want him back! It's okay!

    Right, now that we've established that...

    If you send him that message, all you will be doing is making him responsible for your feelings. Guys hate that. PEOPLE hate that. What he would be hearing is 'I can't deal with my problems so I'm going to blame them all on you, you should feel bad, you should be the White Knight, I don't have the discipline to sort out my own things, if you don't take me back then you're a bad person.... wrapped up in romantic rhetoric.'

    If you loved each other so much then it should be a given that you're upset by the breakup. You don't need to rub how upset you are about it in his face. All you're doing in that message is vommitting all over him with your confusing, ambiguous feelings. What is he supposed to do with that information? What are you trying to get from this? Not closure. If you wanted closure, you'd give it to yourself right now, turn the page, close the book, not contact him again until and unless you ever feel ready. After all, I'm sure you've got your own friends, why would you need to add an ex to the list? You're not obliged to keep him in your life just because you were together once upon a time.

    Nah, you don't want closure. You want to get him back, in two ways: you want him to feel guilty about whatever his part was in the breakup/the things you didn't like, so 'getting him back' in the vengeful sense. Yet you also want him back as in, you want him to be your boyfriend again. Oh the inner conflict!

    Here's what you want to happen: you want him to say, in response to that message:

    'Sweetheart I've been a fool. You're right. Niether of us were perfect, but I hurt you bad and I understand that now. It was silly of me to throw us away so easily. I've missed you. When I get back, let's meet up and talk. No pressure. But I think it's sensible to meet up and talk about this in person. Perhaps we can move past all this.'

    Is that not the outcome you want? You want him to, firstly, RECOGNISE whatever it is you blame him for, THEN you want him to want you back. You don't want him to simply come back and be as he was. You want some things about him to change, and I guess you were hoping that leaving him would make him 'think twice' and realise what he'd lost etc etc. That hasn't happened, so now you're upping the pressure.

    Look, I think you need to decide exactly which side of the coin you're going to follow through with. EITHER you want him back hands down, no ifs, no buts, just want to be with him again full stop. OR you can decide that, actually, you CAN get over it, it WASN'T good enough for you, and therefore you DO, genuinely, want closure, with NO ulterior motive of making him feel bad/guilt-tripping him into wanting to be with you again.

    I know you really want him to see how bad this pain hurts. But it's not his problem unfortunately. It's over now. He can'y hold your hand through the breakup too. So!

    If you decide that you do simply want him back and that's it, then your best bet, if you're going to message him, is to be totally honest about it. Say that you want to give things another shot, address whatever happened between you that caused the breakup, and honestly, maturely state the bits where YOU were wrong. Don't blame him or make him responsible for your feelings. Just be totally honest, even if that makes you vulnerable, he's worth the risk, right?

    OR... if you DO, genuinely want closure... then just walk away. That's all you have to do. Just do nothing, give yourself the gift of closure.

    Because I promise you, spamming him with that pile of emotional pressure is just gonna make him move away more, react defensively, and probably say something that will upset you. So your current approach isn't going to get you anywhere.

    You were with this guy for 2 years. Surely that's long enough for you to not need to play games/have tactics/be ambiguous. You either want him back or you don't. Act accordingly. And don't try to change him.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Ban3)
    As far as I am concerned, and excuse me if you don't like what I say, but "Neither you nor him should ever have made that mistake, one mistake is already too many, if you truly loved him then you should not have been looking anywhere else, and the same goes for him too."

    @Millie228, and what you don't realise is that many boys, "never" heal whether she cuts communication or not, what has happened is something that stays with a guy forever. Your solution is way too cut and dry.
    I dont understand, what mistake and looked where


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Yidette)
    You obviously still want him back, there ain't no 'sort of' about it. Be real! You want him back! It's okay!

    Right, now that we've established that...

    If you send him that message, all you will be doing is making him responsible for your feelings. Guys hate that. PEOPLE hate that. What he would be hearing is 'I can't deal with my problems so I'm going to blame them all on you, you should feel bad, you should be the White Knight, I don't have the discipline to sort out my own things, if you don't take me back then you're a bad person.... wrapped up in romantic rhetoric.'

    If you loved each other so much then it should be a given that you're upset by the breakup. You don't need to rub how upset you are about it in his face. All you're doing in that message is vommitting all over him with your confusing, ambiguous feelings. What is he supposed to do with that information? What are you trying to get from this? Not closure. If you wanted closure, you'd give it to yourself right now, turn the page, close the book, not contact him again until and unless you ever feel ready. After all, I'm sure you've got your own friends, why would you need to add an ex to the list? You're not obliged to keep him in your life just because you were together once upon a time.

    Nah, you don't want closure. You want to get him back, in two ways: you want him to feel guilty about whatever his part was in the breakup/the things you didn't like, so 'getting him back' in the vengeful sense. Yet you also want him back as in, you want him to be your boyfriend again. Oh the inner conflict!

    Here's what you want to happen: you want him to say, in response to that message:

    'Sweetheart I've been a fool. You're right. Niether of us were perfect, but I hurt you bad and I understand that now. It was silly of me to throw us away so easily. I've missed you. When I get back, let's meet up and talk. No pressure. But I think it's sensible to meet up and talk about this in person. Perhaps we can move past all this.'

    Is that not the outcome you want? You want him to, firstly, RECOGNISE whatever it is you blame him for, THEN you want him to want you back. You don't want him to simply come back and be as he was. You want some things about him to change, and I guess you were hoping that leaving him would make him 'think twice' and realise what he'd lost etc etc. That hasn't happened, so now you're upping the pressure.

    Look, I think you need to decide exactly which side of the coin you're going to follow through with. EITHER you want him back hands down, no ifs, no buts, just want to be with him again full stop. OR you can decide that, actually, you CAN get over it, it WASN'T good enough for you, and therefore you DO, genuinely, want closure, with NO ulterior motive of making him feel bad/guilt-tripping him into wanting to be with you again.

    I know you really want him to see how bad this pain hurts. But it's not his problem unfortunately. It's over now. He can'y hold your hand through the breakup too. So!

    If you decide that you do simply want him back and that's it, then your best bet, if you're going to message him, is to be totally honest about it. Say that you want to give things another shot, address whatever happened between you that caused the breakup, and honestly, maturely state the bits where YOU were wrong. Don't blame him or make him responsible for your feelings. Just be totally honest, even if that makes you vulnerable, he's worth the risk, right?

    OR... if you DO, genuinely want closure... then just walk away. That's all you have to do. Just do nothing, give yourself the gift of closure.

    Because I promise you, spamming him with that pile of emotional pressure is just gonna make him move away more, react defensively, and probably say something that will upset you. So your current approach isn't going to get you anywhere.

    You were with this guy for 2 years. Surely that's long enough for you to not need to play games/have tactics/be ambiguous. You either want him back or you don't. Act accordingly. And don't try to change him.
    Hahaha you've hit the nail on the head
    I'd decided f*** it, I'm moving on as theres better prospects out there, but then theres always something lacking in then, and once I've calmed down I think I can see past his flaws
    Ahh, the confusion.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    I'll atleast tell him that I'm not ignoring him out of spite but simply because its the only way we can both move on


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    but you can't see past the fact I made one mistake. You made them too, more than once but I always took you back with open arms. You couldn't grant me the same.
    What was this mistake that both of you made? If you ended this because he couldn't forgive you for a mistake you made, then why did you even make it in the first place?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Ban3)
    What was this mistake that both of you made? If you ended this because he couldn't forgive you for a mistake you made, then why did you even make it in the first place?
    Basically, he broke up with me before. Once because things were getting serious and he needed some time to think, it wasnt exactly breaking up, just some space. And secondly because, he told me that he'd done stuff with a few girls whilst at uni, and even though I wanted some space away from him I didnt ask for it, as I felt like well we all have a past and have done things we regret. But he couldn't take the tension and awkwardness and called it quits,, but then I went abroad for a few weeks and he messaged the entire time saying how sorry he was and he'll make it up to me.

    Then I broke up with him as again things were serious and I thought my parents would not approve of him, he knew its not what I really wanted to do it was the situation. It turned out both my parents are fond of him and I told him, understanding he was hurt about before but to some extent spring past it at the good news


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Little_missy01)
    Basically, he broke up with me before. Once because things were getting serious and he needed some time to think, it wasnt exactly breaking up, just some space. And secondly because, he told me that he'd done stuff with a few girls whilst at uni, and even though I wanted some space away from him I didnt ask for it, as I felt like well we all have a past and have done things we regret. But he couldn't take the tension and awkwardness and called it quits,, but then I went abroad for a few weeks and he messaged the entire time saying how sorry he was and he'll make it up to me.

    Then I broke up with him as again things were serious and I thought my parents would not approve of him, he knew its not what I really wanted to do it was the situation. It turned out both my parents are fond of him and I told him, understanding he was hurt about before but to some extent spring past it at the good news


    Posted from TSR Mobile


    Well, from what you have said here the only mistake you made was really quite minor, you did not ever cheat on him did you? On top of that it seems most of the problems did not come from your side. However, maybe you should have asked your parents how they felt first before breaking up out of fear. Maybe you could give him a chance and if he pulls the needs to think ploy again, then make it permanent.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Ban3)
    Well, from what you have said here the only mistake you made was really quite minor, you did not ever cheat on him did you? On top of that it seems most of the problems did not come from your side. However, maybe you should have asked your parents how they felt first before breaking up out of fear. Maybe you could give him a chance and if he pulls the needs to think ploy again, then make it permanent.
    No, i never cheated on him!!
    Well my mum knew about him and his sister knew about me... He did tell me that his parents like me and he wanted to marry but at some point. And to be honest i brushed it to the side as I thought I've heard you say it enough time and when its close to it you run away. But i do understand that we need to be financially stable and have some maturing to do.
    I did give him a chance, after I told him I gave him some time and assumed he'd have got over it when he spoke to me again, but it wasnt the case.
    Im done trying and waiting.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Little_missy01)
    No, i never cheated on him!!
    Well my mum knew about him and his sister knew about me... He did tell me that his parents like me and he wanted to marry but at some point. And to be honest i brushed it to the side as I thought I've heard you say it enough time and when its close to it you run away. But i do understand that we need to be financially stable and have some maturing to do.
    I did give him a chance, after I told him I gave him some time and assumed he'd have got over it when he spoke to me again, but it wasnt the case.
    Im done trying and waiting.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Well then I guess that's fine
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Ban3)
    Well then I guess that's fine
    Just thought that we've been through so much, we'd overcome this final hurdle too
    But i suppose thats a daft reason
    Thanks for the responses


    Posted from TSR Mobile
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 15, 2013
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.