Could you give your honest opinion on my prefect application? Please also help me proof read this.
I would like the express my interest in becoming a ______ prefect. Throughout my eleven years at _____ I have noticed many things, including the relocation of three buildings and the intense growth of school spirit. One thing is for sure, ______ has changed for the better. As I enter the last year of my education, I wish to impact the school that has taught me unforgettable life lessons.
As a prefect, I believe I can use my collaboration and leadership skills that I have been gaining through Volunteerism. My participation in the U-Connect crew has helped me improve these skills. When I first joined, I noticed how committed and passionate each and every single member is about achieving our goal. I looked up to leaders who directed me to the path of leadership and within 6 months, I was chosen to lead and organize an event. There I collaborated with my teammates about our objective and our goal. It was at that moment I realised the true meaning of leadership.
I believe that happiness is the key to my success. As shown through my countless hours of volunteering, I genuinely enjoy giving back to the general community. Since 2010, I have spent over 200 hours helping the community centre of _______. There, I spent almost 60 hours of my summer volunteering as a summer camp leader. I led activities, organized crafts and set up games. Out of 200, I was one of a selected handful to become a summer camp leader. I believe they recognized my leadership abilities and were wowed by the amount of volunteer hours I had. I was pleasantly surprised when the City of Richmond awarded me the U-ROC award for being an outstanding volunteer in the community.
At school, I am as positive as possible. I believe that positivity spreads to each and every single person just like falling dominos. Every Monday, I spend my lunch at the environmental club. This is where I can take initiative in front of my peers. As the co-president, I feel as if I have greater responsibility than anyone else. It is my duty that all meetings be properly organized and each event be properly planned. I am also part of the We are the Movement, where I give my ideas and collaborate with the members. As part of the honour band, I practice my baritone weekly for upcoming tours and concerts (where I represent the school).
As a prefect, I would like to collaborate with the faculty I have grown up with. As proven by my experience I am committed to helping the community, whether inside or outside of school. With my ability to lead and cooperate, I believe I can help shape the future of ____ Academy.
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- Thread Starter
- 14-04-2013 06:53
- Thread Starter
- 14-04-2013 19:34
Please help! Even just a "good" or a "bad" would help!
- 14-04-2013 19:46
Is 'Volunteerism' a particular scheme or organisation? If it's not, you'd do better using the word 'volunteering'.
Will whomever you are writing to know what the U-Connect crew is? If not, could you explain that very briefly, and discuss specifically what you did to enhance these skills of yours? The way you structure your paragraph about the summer-camp is better. Model your U-Connect paragraph on that.
Don't describe the amount of hours you've done as 'countless', because you contradict that assertion by giving numbers afterwards.
'I believe that happiness is the key to my success' could be removed. It's a bit cliche, and you've just randomly thrown it in there without discussing it later.
'Wowed' is a little informal, but that's not that big of a deal.
I'm kind of nitpicking, though. It's fully coherent and written with some flair. Best of luck.