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    Hello, could someone help me. I have written a page instead of 2. but what could I add ? Is it good or normal ? MS below .
    I WOULD LIKE A GRADED ON THIS PAGE, And your details, like what should I do instead next time when answering those type of questions .
    Read the magazine article opposite about a street child called Emmanuel who has achieved
    educational success.
    You are Sister Jean. Write a letter to persuade local businesses to donate money to expand the work of the Archway Children’s Centre.
    In your letter you should:
    • • •
    explain the work of the Centre and why it is necessary use Emmanuel’s story to support your appeal give reasons why local businesses should support the Centre.
    Base your letter on what you have read in the magazine article. Be careful to use your own words.
    Begin your letter, ‘Dear Local Business...’.
    Write between 11⁄2 and 2 sides, allowing for the size of your handwriting.
    Up to 10 marks are available for the content of your answer and up to 15 marks for the quality of your writing.
    [25]
    © UCLES 2012 0500/32/O/N/123
    Child rescued from the streets gets top award
    Among the winners at a recent awards ceremony, one 16-year-old student stood out as an inspiring example of how education can transform lives. Emmanuel, a student from an international school in the region, won the top award for Art and Design. Yet just ten years earlier, Emmanuel had faced a difficult and uncertain future living on the streets.
    Owing to difficult family circumstances, Emmanuel ran away from home when he was just six years old. His parents were not able to look after him because of illness and lack of money. Initially, he begged on the streets of the capital, which exposed him to many dangers and risks of disease. His life changed forever when one day, by chance and in the hope of a meal, he found himself in the Archway Children’s Centre.
    ‘It was June 1997, and from that moment my life changed,’ says Emmanuel. ‘Before that, I had been in a dark room, searching for a way out. But then I found a door; that door was the Archway Children’s Centre. No one opened it for me. I opened it myself. Suddenly, after so many years of darkness, it felt as if someone had switched on all the lights.’
    The Centre is dedicated to empowering street children aged between 7 and 17 years old. It provides them with shelter, medical treatment, and clothing, as well as education and numerous other services. Their vision is of a country in which all children can enjoy their basic rights to survival, development, protection and participation in society. They believe that every child has a talent and a need for it to be discovered and nurtured.
    The Archway provided primary school education for Emmanuel, and gave him shelter at the home. At school he discovered a talent for painting that was fostered by Sister Jean, the Centre’s founder. With her help, he secured a scholarship to continue his secondary education locally. Emmanuel explains: ‘Sister Jean recognised that the international school was the only place where I could develop my artistic potential. There I had inspirational teaching and encouragement to aim high.’
    Following his outstanding examination result in Art and Design – in addition to good grades in other subjects – Emmanuel is now hoping to pursue a career as an illustrator. Sister Jean is searching for a scholarship to enable him to go to art school abroad to continue his studies. He intends to return to his home country at the end of his course to teach Art to local children, as well as to produce his own design work.
    Emmanuel is passionate about the Archway Children’s Centre, and wants to help other children who are living on the streets in order to show his gratitude for all that the Centre has done for him. With this in mind, he contributed his story to a book published to raise money for the Centre and to show how lives can be transformed through education. The stories are all written and illustrated by the Centre’s children.
    The number of street children in his country is rising dramatically, and it is estimated that there are 3,500 in the capital alone. Emmanuel says: ‘Without the Centre’s founder and my own efforts, my artistic talent would never have been discovered. I was not only helped to overcome my difficulties, I was given a complete rescue package. I hate to think what would have happened to me, where I would be now, if chance had not directed me to the ever-open door of the Archway. Many of the children who were begging with me on the street were not so lucky and they became criminals or the victims of crime. Whoever buys the book is helping to rescue more street children, and opening the door so that they can step into the future. One day, I want to be able to say that I helped other street children to find out what they are good at. I hope to help them shine.’


    MY letter :
    0500 32 oct nov 2012
    Dear Local businesses,
    Please donate money to expand the work of the archway Children’s Centre. I want to tell you a story about a boy we have saved. His name is Emmanuel.He started to worsen at the age of six, due to his parents were ill and they lived in poverty. After dangerous days in the street, stealing and begging to strangers to give them food or money. Every single day was a nightmare for this young boy.
    Lurking around the streets searching for comfort and help. Darkness of life kept him behind the normal happy and jovial children.
    As god became solace, Emmanuel found the “ ray of light “ removing his darkness and worries. That ray of lights was Archway Children’s Centre.

    He stepped inside our archway children’s Centre. He understood that we will take care of him and that education will be included. That he will not be thrown out on the streets after a day or a week or a month or a year. Archway would be his future home. I taught him to draw extravagantly. He discovered that he was not a regular boy but he had a talent. After working hard on his talent, art he had achieved outstanding results in that subject.

    The story about Emmanuel draws a picture that archway children’s Centre is really important for the children. This is a place where children are fed, educated and sleep. It is a place that with hard work, a child that you thought he was uneducated could have a hidden talent and that will help him succeed, giving him an opportunity to gain distinction in school grades and later the challenges that he may have whether it would be scholarships or work.

    Please understand that there are nearly 3500 children that are homeless in the streets. These children are susceptible to diseases. They starve. They may have a talent that will never be given a chance to open. We can provide shelter, food and education but we need your help.

    If local businesses help us, we could rescue that large number of children and place them in Archway Centre. Those children will not be a liability to our government and people. They will give back to the community a lot of things.
    Their talents may be discovered as something that is bigger than things like art.
    With the huge support, correct education. Those children might be aspiring doctors or lawyers. Our book is for a fee but it is 100 % donation for our cause. If you could buy a large quantity of books, they might be needed for our charity or perhaps you could donate a sum of money for the Archway children’s Centre.
    Remember that you are helping and rescuing homeless children and only homeless children.

    You’re sincerely.
    Sister jean.

    MARK SCHEME
    http://papers.xtremepapers.com/CIE/C..._w12_ms_32.pdf
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    I clicked the wrong box, it's not a B. I think after re-reading it a couple of times I'd drop it down to a C at the very highest, more likely a D. Spelling and grammar isn't great and it has quite a childish tone, not something you'd expect from a professional letter.
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    Ok thats really good that you told me, any tips how to make it more serious ???
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    OK, a few points:

    - Starting with "To local businesses, please donate" is not a professional way of writing - I'd suggest something more like "To whom it may concern, I am writing to appeal for donations for the Archway Children's Fund, etc"
    - I don't think giving an example is the way to go. Rather than writing exclusively about Emmanuel, tell the recipients what the centre does for all children and how they go about it - more importantly, what their money will do if they decide to donate.
    - Make it more succinct, you seem to ramble on throughout the letter and it's not conducive to an effective and persuasive piece of writing
    - Proof read it yourself, make sure all your grammar is correct - Archway Children's Centre needs to be capitalised every time, Sister Jean also needs to be capitalised, and it's "Yours sincerely"

    This is not a comprehensive list of all of what you should do - for that, I suggest you take it to a teacher.

    Good luck with it, and I hope you get a good grade in the end.
 
 
 
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