Motel Fly By
Solitary girl with a ring and a pearl on her finger,
And she’s thumbing at keys in the hope that he’ll see his mistakes,
Yet she knows it’s already too late.
Drifting in and out of night-dreams,
Elsewhere, escape, perhaps a city where rumours deflate,
But for now it’s a desk and a flat.
With a man that has broken his pact.
Dishevelled man in suit remnants and scotched state,
Fabricating reasons for treason on the phone
To a wife who’s in bed, all alone,
Man pacing around and facing his doubts in hunched thought,
Unopened cases of items brought
As he contests with the urge to return,
Yet the thrill of escape still burns,
So like ashes suppressed in an urn he contains
The call and turns darkness on from the wall.
Local commodity, bearded and hollow, folds cardboard and sheets
in the hope of tomorrow.
Lit by neon,
the intermittent taunt that haunts his eye,
‘But not for I.’
Many thanks for reading x
Could you give your opinion on my poem? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 14-04-2013 16:48
- 14-04-2013 17:05
It was easy to picture in some parts, but in other parts I had to think about it as it seemed to jump around.
- 14-04-2013 17:08
It's crap. I'm sorry, but I just don't like it.
- 14-04-2013 17:11
It seems like you've written it how you think a poem should be written. It just didn't come across as personal or unique to you (granted I don't know you).
- 14-04-2013 17:12
I love it It's really evocative and I'm not usually a fan of modernist poetry but I really like this I think all the sharp, staccato phrases are really effective and I love the line 'the intermittent taunt that haunts his eye' I just love the sound effect of internal rhyme hehe
- 14-04-2013 17:14
I don't know anything about poems...I hated studying them at GCSE, but that seems good!
- 14-04-2013 17:17
This poem is actually really good. You can imagine so much in depth, it's moving, emotional, sentimental. Your poem looks really professional, I hope that one day, you are able to make your own anthology! Keep up the good work!