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Could you give your opinion on my poem? Watch

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    Motel Fly By

    Night desk.
    Solitary girl with a ring and a pearl on her finger,
    Voice lingers,
    And she’s thumbing at keys in the hope that he’ll see his mistakes,
    Yet she knows it’s already too late.

    Drifting in and out of night-dreams,
    Elsewhere, escape, perhaps a city where rumours deflate,
    But for now it’s a desk and a flat.
    With a man that has broken his pact.
    Perhaps.

    Room 12.
    Dishevelled man in suit remnants and scotched state,
    “Working late”,
    Fabricating reasons for treason on the phone
    To a wife who’s in bed, all alone,
    Unlike him.
    Wearing thin.

    Next door.
    Man pacing around and facing his doubts in hunched thought,
    Unopened cases of items brought
    Rest.
    As he contests with the urge to return,
    Yet the thrill of escape still burns,
    So like ashes suppressed in an urn he contains
    The call and turns darkness on from the wall.

    Back Alley.
    Local commodity, bearded and hollow, folds cardboard and sheets
    in the hope of tomorrow.
    Lit by neon,
    the intermittent taunt that haunts his eye,
    ‘Vacancies’.
    ‘But not for I.’


    Many thanks for reading x
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    It was easy to picture in some parts, but in other parts I had to think about it as it seemed to jump around.
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    It's crap. I'm sorry, but I just don't like it.
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    It seems like you've written it how you think a poem should be written. It just didn't come across as personal or unique to you (granted I don't know you).
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    I love it It's really evocative and I'm not usually a fan of modernist poetry but I really like this I think all the sharp, staccato phrases are really effective and I love the line 'the intermittent taunt that haunts his eye' I just love the sound effect of internal rhyme hehe
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    I don't know anything about poems...I hated studying them at GCSE, but that seems good!
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    This poem is actually really good. You can imagine so much in depth, it's moving, emotional, sentimental. Your poem looks really professional, I hope that one day, you are able to make your own anthology! Keep up the good work!
 
 
 
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