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Is it wrong to break up with someone because of their lack of job prospects/ ambition Watch

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    Hi everyone,

    I am having problems in deciding what to do with my relationship, I know it's my choice but I would like some opinions!

    Basically I am a female, 20, finishing my second year of university.
    I have always been really goal orientated and I know what I want to do in life and what I need to do to get there (Primary school teacher)

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, we met when I was at college.

    Whereas I went on to university, he went on to a minimum wage job and has gone between similar jobs and a small amount of time on job seekers. He annoys me because he doesn't have plans on what he is going to do in life and just applies for low skilled jobs and thinks he is too old to do any training (21).

    It is me that constantly looks for jobs and ideas for him to which he is thankful but it just never seems to happen!

    I really do love and care for him and if I ignored his job prospects I could definitely see us together in the future.

    I know I am only young but it's getting to the stage where I would like to move out and he doesn't have the finances to support himself in moving out.

    So yeah that's my problem, do I stay with him even though his lack of ambition annoys me and worries me.

    Or am I being shallow for wanting him to get a better job?

    Head or heart kind of predicament!
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    Here's what I think:

    When you TRULY love someone, whether they're fat, thin, small, tall, ugly or good looking you don't care because that's not what you find attractive. In that regard, irrelevant to whether he has no ambition or not, you'll stay with him because you love him.

    On the other hand, and this is more likely my response, (I am an extremely judgmental person and assume things that don't tend to be correct, apologies if it's like this in this case) I would leave them because I would hate to be in a situation where I'm with someone who has so much potential and could do so much with their lives.. Yet are so negative towards themselves that they can't. Yes, I'd help them, but there's only so much we can do. It's up to them to make a difference. It seems to me that IF you stay with him, you're going to be in one of two situations.

    The first: You're going to be the primary input in to your household. Any money that is earned will be yours. This eventually will begin to irritate you more and more until you give him the ultimatum: be more supportive or leave.

    The second: A situation somewhat similar to my mom.. just take out the extremely manipulative and horrible 12 year old daughter of her second husband. He drives a taxi, so he's put on loads of weight and is extremely lazy. Ok, fairs, he gets up at 4am most days, but he's sat down driving a taxi all day, comes home, sits down, watches the football until he goes to sleep. Weekends: my mom works 7 days a week because she does not want to be home when his daughter is there dominating - Did I mention he buys her a takeaway & spends 60 quid a week on her? He does not support my mom in any way.
    When she comes home.. she's left to clean up after them.

    Haha, sorry for that, but it's a good example. Your boyfriend may end up like this, getting money, wasting it - coming home, being lazy and leaving you to clean up after him.
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    That's not being shallow, this could lead into a larger problem in the future. If it continues the way it is, it may create arguements about finances. (e.g you may want to go out more but he doesn't have the money to go, you end up paying for him. He will feel inferior since you're paying for him constantly etc etc.)

    Just ask him to get back into education, possibly night classes for a course.
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    (Original post by TreeOfKnowledge)
    That's not being shallow, this could lead into a larger problem in the future. If it continues the way it is, it may create arguements about finances. (e.g you may want to go out more but he doesn't have the money to go, you end up paying for him. He will feel inferior since you're paying for him constantly etc etc.)

    Just ask him to get back into education, possibly night classes for a course.

    I don't think he is suited for education to be honest! He failed his a levels, he did a diploma in photography which is really what he wants to do but it's difficult to build a career in.

    I agree and that happens sometimes now, like if I want to go out with our shared friends ill feel obliged to offer to pay for him to come out too if he has no money.

    I mean this is fine now, because its little trivial costs but when I want to move out I worry about bills and stuff if he doesn't have a career type job.
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    I know we're all brainwashed by Hollywood and Disney to believe that love conquers all. HOWEVER.

    Love doesn't pay bills or a mortgage. You can't eat love or run a car on it.
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    Personally, yes. Love is more important than money.

    Also university doesn't necessarily lead to a career.
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    I think you're being a little harsh on your boyfriend. You may have everything figured out, but that doesn't necessarily mean he should. He's only 21; an age where many people haven't found their true calling, and don't really know what they want. If you really want to help him, encourage him to realise his true potential. Don't break up with him.
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    (Original post by JagSan)
    Personally, yes. Love is more important than money.

    Also university doesn't necessarily lead to a career.
    This isn't about money; it's about self worth, life ambition, quality of life and future security.

    If you aren't matched in terms of core values, it is more of a struggle. I'm not saying it's definite failure, but I wouldn't judge you if you walked away because of it.


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    Money is only important to a certain extent, provided both of you can look after yourselves and have enough to spare.

    However I'd be more concerned about a clash of values - e.g. does he mind the fact you prioritise education so much? Is he hard-working? Do you feel you can both plan a future together?
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    (Original post by WildBerrySpirit)
    I think you're being a little harsh on your boyfriend. You may have everything figured out, but that doesn't necessarily mean he should. He's only 21; an age where many people haven't found their true calling, and don't really know what they want. If you really want to help him, encourage him to realise his true potential. Don't break up with him.
    I really have tried though!

    I find jobs/ schemes/ training all the time to send to him.

    I wrote his CV to send out.

    It's not that he doesn't want a better job, he just really struggles knowing how he is going to do it. It frustrates me but I know I would be so upset if I broke up with him because when I am with him and we don't talk about money and stuff it is great! But unfortunately money and career makes up a lot of life!
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    As someone who's partner is 29 and has NEVER had a job, I understand your frustration. I'm 22, and am also looking to move in with him- but it's easier said than done with his current financial situation.

    I would like to say "love wins every battle" but after 4 years I'm not too sure it does anymore. Love may fill the heart, but it doesn't fill the fridge.
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    (Original post by Ezekiella)
    Money is only important to a certain extent, provided both of you can look after yourselves and have enough to spare.

    However I'd be more concerned about a clash of values - e.g. does he mind the fact you prioritise education so much? Is he hard-working? Do you feel you can both plan a future together?
    He is supportive of my education,but I do get frustrated because I work hard at university, I volunteer at a school twice a week and have a weekend job whereas he gets about 20 hours in his retail job.

    So although he supports my values, I don't think he has the same drive as I do!
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    As someone who's partner is 29 and has NEVER had a job, I understand your frustration. I'm 22, and am also looking to move in with him- but it's easier said than done with his current financial situation.

    I would like to say "love wins every battle" but after 4 years I'm not too sure it does anymore. Love may fill the heart, but it doesn't fill the fridge.
    wow 29 and never had a job and you stayed with him four years?
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    I may be way too young to say this, but here goes: I don't think it is wrong. If a girl was to break up with me in the future because my job prospects and future did not look good, I would totally understand. If you are looking for a serious relationship, particularly if you are looking for a marital partner, I would say that finance is a big part of it. You need ot look for someone who will be able to support a future family.
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    As someone who's partner is 29 and has NEVER had a job, I understand your frustration. I'm 22, and am also looking to move in with him- but it's easier said than done with his current financial situation.

    I would like to say "love wins every battle" but after 4 years I'm not too sure it does anymore. Love may fill the heart, but it doesn't fill the fridge.
    That is my situation as well, I will want to move out after my degree when I am hopefully doing my pgce but I do not want to live by myself and I have tried living with other girls and it drives me mad haha!

    I would love to live with him but I know I won't want to have to worry about finances when I am doing my pgce, super stress!
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    Unending and my boyfriend are the same we have been together 3 years and I'm 19 he's 20 he works full time in a minimum wage job. I go to college and work 2 jobs one is minimum wage the other is £17.50 an hour. I'm going to uni and know what I want to do and even have back up plans if I can't find the employment but he has no idea of what he wants to be. I love him and I can see us being together and having a future so I'm hoping he finds a job that he really like and that he can move up within that job and become really good at it as well as seeing the financial rewards.

    All I really want to see is him happy and that will make me happy

    Let him keep exploring jobs to see if there one he truly like then you can start with your future together, if your goal orientated you might be moving faster than he is.


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    In your situation, I personally wouldn't break up with him, but urge him into thinking seriously about where your relationship is going to go if he can't put in anything to the practical and money-related side of things. Sit him down and tell him that you're very worried that you have ambitions and want to move on in life with him, get a house together etc. and ask him how he feels he will be able to fit in with the costs of this if he doesn't have a career planned or any idea how he will earn an adequate amount of money to sustain the kind of life you want to live with him.

    I think it's a very fair and just thing to be worried about the financial side of a relationship, it's being very realistic and practical; which is what you need to get across to your boyfriend.

    You can only help him so much, perhaps he just needs to be told WHY you feel he should push himself more. Let him know that you won't be the only person making an income as it's a lot of pressure on you.

    Good luck
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He is supportive of my education,but I do get frustrated because I work hard at university, I volunteer at a school twice a week and have a weekend job whereas he gets about 20 hours in his retail job.

    So although he supports my values, I don't think he has the same drive as I do!
    Lack of drive needn't be a problem provided you can both make it work, but I would be worried about his lack of planning and foresight (if he can't plan a stable career, it obviously would be harder to sort out a future together). I am pretty hard-working myself so I do sympathise - can he not work longer hours than 20 a week? Even if he were looking for a promotion he would need to work longer. And not searching for other jobs/opportunity to progress is probably not the smartest move. What does he do when he's not working?

    You could try having a talk with him and making him see that obviously you aren't trying to run every aspect of his life but you're concerned as to his lack of planning and would really appreciate it if he put more thought into this? He should definitely be mature enough to discuss this sort of issue as his age.
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    (Original post by Ezekiella)
    Lack of drive needn't be a problem provided you can both make it work, but I would be worried about his lack of planning and foresight (if he can't plan a stable career, it obviously would be harder to sort out a future together). I am pretty hard-working myself so I do sympathise - can he not work longer hours than 20 a week? Even if he were looking for a promotion he would need to work longer. And not searching for other jobs/opportunity to progress is probably not the smartest move. What does he do when he's not working?

    You could try having a talk with him and making him see that obviously you aren't trying to run every aspect of his life but you're concerned as to his lack of planning and would really appreciate it if he put more thought into this? He should definitely be mature enough to discuss this sort of issue as his age.

    His job will only offer him part time offers, the case with many of them today!
    He does look for other jobs but he is sort of stuck, his mum is a single parent and struggles so they don't have wifi. He goes to the library/ applies for jobs when he comes over to mine.

    He has said he wouldn't mind being a bus driver, his grandad was one. But he needs more experience as a driver, which he can't without a car, which he can't get without money! Dilemmas!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi everyone,

    I am having problems in deciding what to do with my relationship, I know it's my choice but I would like some opinions!

    Basically I am a female, 20, finishing my second year of university.
    I have always been really goal orientated and I know what I want to do in life and what I need to do to get there (Primary school teacher)

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, we met when I was at college.

    Whereas I went on to university, he went on to a minimum wage job and has gone between similar jobs and a small amount of time on job seekers. He annoys me because he doesn't have plans on what he is going to do in life and just applies for low skilled jobs and thinks he is too old to do any training (21).

    It is me that constantly looks for jobs and ideas for him to which he is thankful but it just never seems to happen!

    I really do love and care for him and if I ignored his job prospects I could definitely see us together in the future.

    I know I am only young but it's getting to the stage where I would like to move out and he doesn't have the finances to support himself in moving out.

    So yeah that's my problem, do I stay with him even though his lack of ambition annoys me and worries me.

    Or am I being shallow for wanting him to get a better job?

    Head or heart kind of predicament!
    Never settle! You sound like a young ambitious women not this guys mother. This will never work if you settle you will only end up resenting him.

    Bettering yourself comes from within no amount of jobs or training you try and get for him will ever stick if he doesnt want to do anything with himself
 
 
 
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