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Mess with trans "friend" and boyfriend.. help watch

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    I really do not know what to do. It's a long story.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We mostly have a good relationship although I suppose we don't have a lot of shared interests. I mean I'm a book worm, he doesn't read; we don't really like the same bands; we support rival football teams etc etc, but I don't think it's ever caused much a problem really, we still have a laugh together and the physical side of our relationship is very very good.

    In January I went for a drink with some friends, and one of my friends brought along this guy who I knew from nights out and had spoken to before, had him on Facebook for ages etc but we weren't close, I'd say maybe more acquaintances. Anyway, he is a female to male transgender person, he came out about a year ago and changed his name etc etc but is still pre-op and has only recently started taking hormones. That night he came along for drinks we ended up sitting next to each other and had a conversation about a band that we both loved and not many people have heard of. Long story short, we swapped numbers as we wanted to plan to go see this band play.

    After that night we ended up texting a lot, like all day every day, he's very funny and we have a lot of the same interests. I also suffer badly from anxiety which he was very understanding and helpful about, which I really appreciated as my boyfriend isn't the type of guy who is emotional etc and his usual response would be along the lines of "man up" etc so it was really nice having someone I could talk to about how I felt. My friend would also tell me all about his transition and he'd say how he felt completely comfortable telling me everything and he didn't really have anyone else to talk to about it in real life and he appreciated being my friend.

    Im sure you can all see where this is heading but about a month or so ago my friend confessed he had developed feelings for me and didn't know what to do as I have a boyfriend and he felt terrible and didn't want to jeopardise anything and thought maybe if we didn't text for a bit it would give him time for his feelings to die down. I was upset because we'd become pretty close friends but I said I understood and I wouldn't text him anymore.

    That lasted for about a week until I bumped into him in a club on a night out and we started talking, we went outside so he could have a cigarette and (both being pretty drunk) we were saying how we'd missed each other and he was saying how guilty he felt and how he wished he didn't like me, anyway after talking for a while he lent in to kiss me and his lips touched mine for maybe a second, I pulled away and said I couldn't do this and went back inside.

    He text me the next day apologising for trying to kiss me and saying he was drunk and wouldn't do it again, I said it was ok and we should try and forget about it. The conversation then turned to him asking me if I liked him in that way and I didn't know what to say, I mean I know he identifies as a male and he will be having surgery etc but I'm straight and don't find female body parts attractive, I feel like a terrible, ignorant person for saying that but it's just how I feel although maybe I am emotionally attracted to him, I just don't know.

    Anyway this weekend I went out and he was there again and we were both really drunk and he said that he thought he was in love with me and it was making him feel bad that he couldn't be with me but at the same time he couldn't imagine not speaking to me and he'd rather have me in his life than not. It was really upsetting to hear him say he felt bad because OF ME, I felt so guilty and I still do. At the end of the night everyone came back to mine and my flatmate's house, including my friend and we were sitting on my bed when he started crying saying he was so depressed with the trans thing and the fact he couldn't have me and he'd do anything to be with me and make me happy. I hugged him and we ended up laying down and cuddling and we fell asleep like that. I woke up at about 6am and felt awful and told my friend he had to leave because it wasn't right for us to be cuddling and sleeping next to each other when I have a boyfriend, so he got up and left.

    I felt so guilty all of yesterday, my friend text me to apologise and I said it's ok don't worry. I think I've realised I do have feelings for my friend that I probably don't wish to take further because I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. I also am not physically attracted to my friend, I mean I could kiss him but I wouldn't want to take things further whilst he is pre-op, as terrible as that sounds.

    I know I need to tell my friend that I can't talk to him anymore and that I need to stop what's been happening, but how? I hate the thought of upsetting him, I'll miss him so much but ultimately my boyfriend is more important to me and I'm not ready to give him up.

    I just don't know what to do.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    I really do not know what to do. It's a long story.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We mostly have a good relationship although I suppose we don't have a lot of shared interests. I mean I'm a book worm, he doesn't read; we don't really like the same bands; we support rival football teams etc etc, but I don't think it's ever caused much a problem really, we still have a laugh together and the physical side of our relationship is very very good.

    In January I went for a drink with some friends, and one of my friends brought along this guy who I knew from nights out and had spoken to before, had him on Facebook for ages etc but we weren't close, I'd say maybe more acquaintances. Anyway, he is a female to male transgender person, he came out about a year ago and changed his name etc etc but is still pre-op and has only recently started taking hormones. That night he came along for drinks we ended up sitting next to each other and had a conversation about a band that we both loved and not many people have heard of. Long story short, we swapped numbers as we wanted to plan to go see this band play.

    After that night we ended up texting a lot, like all day every day, he's very funny and we have a lot of the same interests. I also suffer badly from anxiety which he was very understanding and helpful about, which I really appreciated as my boyfriend isn't the type of guy who is emotional etc and his usual response would be along the lines of "man up" etc so it was really nice having someone I could talk to about how I felt. My friend would also tell me all about his transition and he'd say how he felt completely comfortable telling me everything and he didn't really have anyone else to talk to about it in real life and he appreciated being my friend.

    Im sure you can all see where this is heading but about a month or so ago my friend confessed he had developed feelings for me and didn't know what to do as I have a boyfriend and he felt terrible and didn't want to jeopardise anything and thought maybe if we didn't text for a bit it would give him time for his feelings to die down. I was upset because we'd become pretty close friends but I said I understood and I wouldn't text him anymore.

    That lasted for about a week until I bumped into him in a club on a night out and we started talking, we went outside so he could have a cigarette and (both being pretty drunk) we were saying how we'd missed each other and he was saying how guilty he felt and how he wished he didn't like me, anyway after talking for a while he lent in to kiss me and his lips touched mine for maybe a second, I pulled away and said I couldn't do this and went back inside.

    He text me the next day apologising for trying to kiss me and saying he was drunk and wouldn't do it again, I said it was ok and we should try and forget about it. The conversation then turned to him asking me if I liked him in that way and I didn't know what to say, I mean I know he identifies as a male and he will be having surgery etc but I'm straight and don't find female body parts attractive, I feel like a terrible, ignorant person for saying that but it's just how I feel although maybe I am emotionally attracted to him, I just don't know.

    Anyway this weekend I went out and he was there again and we were both really drunk and he said that he thought he was in love with me and it was making him feel bad that he couldn't be with me but at the same time he couldn't imagine not speaking to me and he'd rather have me in his life than not. It was really upsetting to hear him say he felt bad because OF ME, I felt so guilty and I still do. At the end of the night everyone came back to mine and my flatmate's house, including my friend and we were sitting on my bed when he started crying saying he was so depressed with the trans thing and the fact he couldn't have me and he'd do anything to be with me and make me happy. I hugged him and we ended up laying down and cuddling and we fell asleep like that. I woke up at about 6am and felt awful and told my friend he had to leave because it wasn't right for us to be cuddling and sleeping next to each other when I have a boyfriend, so he got up and left.

    I felt so guilty all of yesterday, my friend text me to apologise and I said it's ok don't worry. I think I've realised I do have feelings for my friend that I probably don't wish to take further because I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. I also am not physically attracted to my friend, I mean I could kiss him but I wouldn't want to take things further whilst he is pre-op, as terrible as that sounds.

    I know I need to tell my friend that I can't talk to him anymore and that I need to stop what's been happening, but how? I hate the thought of upsetting him, I'll miss him so much but ultimately my boyfriend is more important to me and I'm not ready to give him up.

    I just don't know what to do.
    Interesting article . I like your boyfriend, he seems like an honest guy.

    For the Trans trying to get with you, you need to cut down on texting him. Don't go cold turkey all of a sudden but over a week or two .
    And during this time try and spend more time with your man or get involved in some activities. Anything to distract yourself tbh.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    I really do not know what to do. It's a long story.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We mostly have a good relationship although I suppose we don't have a lot of shared interests. I mean I'm a book worm, he doesn't read; we don't really like the same bands; we support rival football teams etc etc, but I don't think it's ever caused much a problem really, we still have a laugh together and the physical side of our relationship is very very good.

    In January I went for a drink with some friends, and one of my friends brought along this guy who I knew from nights out and had spoken to before, had him on Facebook for ages etc but we weren't close, I'd say maybe more acquaintances. Anyway, he is a female to male transgender person, he came out about a year ago and changed his name etc etc but is still pre-op and has only recently started taking hormones. That night he came along for drinks we ended up sitting next to each other and had a conversation about a band that we both loved and not many people have heard of. Long story short, we swapped numbers as we wanted to plan to go see this band play.

    After that night we ended up texting a lot, like all day every day, he's very funny and we have a lot of the same interests. I also suffer badly from anxiety which he was very understanding and helpful about, which I really appreciated as my boyfriend isn't the type of guy who is emotional etc and his usual response would be along the lines of "man up" etc so it was really nice having someone I could talk to about how I felt. My friend would also tell me all about his transition and he'd say how he felt completely comfortable telling me everything and he didn't really have anyone else to talk to about it in real life and he appreciated being my friend.

    Im sure you can all see where this is heading but about a month or so ago my friend confessed he had developed feelings for me and didn't know what to do as I have a boyfriend and he felt terrible and didn't want to jeopardise anything and thought maybe if we didn't text for a bit it would give him time for his feelings to die down. I was upset because we'd become pretty close friends but I said I understood and I wouldn't text him anymore.

    That lasted for about a week until I bumped into him in a club on a night out and we started talking, we went outside so he could have a cigarette and (both being pretty drunk) we were saying how we'd missed each other and he was saying how guilty he felt and how he wished he didn't like me, anyway after talking for a while he lent in to kiss me and his lips touched mine for maybe a second, I pulled away and said I couldn't do this and went back inside.

    He text me the next day apologising for trying to kiss me and saying he was drunk and wouldn't do it again, I said it was ok and we should try and forget about it. The conversation then turned to him asking me if I liked him in that way and I didn't know what to say, I mean I know he identifies as a male and he will be having surgery etc but I'm straight and don't find female body parts attractive, I feel like a terrible, ignorant person for saying that but it's just how I feel although maybe I am emotionally attracted to him, I just don't know.

    Anyway this weekend I went out and he was there again and we were both really drunk and he said that he thought he was in love with me and it was making him feel bad that he couldn't be with me but at the same time he couldn't imagine not speaking to me and he'd rather have me in his life than not. It was really upsetting to hear him say he felt bad because OF ME, I felt so guilty and I still do. At the end of the night everyone came back to mine and my flatmate's house, including my friend and we were sitting on my bed when he started crying saying he was so depressed with the trans thing and the fact he couldn't have me and he'd do anything to be with me and make me happy. I hugged him and we ended up laying down and cuddling and we fell asleep like that. I woke up at about 6am and felt awful and told my friend he had to leave because it wasn't right for us to be cuddling and sleeping next to each other when I have a boyfriend, so he got up and left.

    I felt so guilty all of yesterday, my friend text me to apologise and I said it's ok don't worry. I think I've realised I do have feelings for my friend that I probably don't wish to take further because I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. I also am not physically attracted to my friend, I mean I could kiss him but I wouldn't want to take things further whilst he is pre-op, as terrible as that sounds.

    I know I need to tell my friend that I can't talk to him anymore and that I need to stop what's been happening, but how? I hate the thought of upsetting him, I'll miss him so much but ultimately my boyfriend is more important to me and I'm not ready to give him up.

    I just don't know what to do.
    Interesting article . I like your boyfriend, he seems like an honest guy.

    For the Trans trying to get with you, you need to cut down on texting him. Don't go cold turkey all of a sudden but over a week or two .
    And during this time try and spend more time with your man or get involved in some activities. Anything to distract yourself tbh.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    Snip!
    Okay, so you have a boyfriend and another guy is telling you they like you. Tell me: if your friend was physically male, would you be more likely to go out with them? I'm just curious.

    However; if you really love your boyfriend and think he is the one, I would explain this to your friend. Tell them exactly how you feel and how you feel about your boyfriend. They should respect your decision and not attempt anything further if they're a real friend.

    It is a bit of a tricky situation, I feel for the position you're in OP. But you need to be honest with both of them. Have you tried explaining the situation to your boyfriend, too? I know you've said he isn't much of a compassionate person but he should hear you out and be supportive of what is going on. He might be a little miffed that someone else has admitted they like you but, as he should understand, it is a difficult time for anyone going through that sort of transition.

    Good luck
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    I woke up at about 6am and felt awful and told my friend he had to leave because it wasn't right for us to be cuddling and sleeping next to each other when I have a boyfriend, so he got up and left.
    You threw the guy out at six in the morning? Jeez I'd be pissed if that was me!

    Well there is nothing you can really do, sorry to say =/
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    Tell him you are the kind of person who needs a good dicking every now and then... Joking aside. You have to make sure you are clear and tell him it's not gonna happen, ever, not even in a million years.
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    You don't have to make this about him being trans at all, and to do so is missing the point imo. Forget the trans issue - is your boyfriend number one or not? Or if you are unsure, do you want your boyfriend to be number one?

    Think hard about whether you are just passing time with your boyfriend first. If that isn't the case and you really actively want to choose him over all the alternatives in the world - then now is the time to start investing in your relationship. Spend time with him, get closer to him, remind yourself why your heart is in it. Explain to your friend that your boyfriend is number one and you've already chosen him over everyone else. Don't make it about the trans issue - if anything reassure him you view him as male and nothing short of it. Remain friends then if you can and both want to, but with maybe a little more distance than you currently have.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Somebody do a TLDR version please.
    My female to male pre op transgender friend says hes in love with me, we get on really really well and he understands me BUT I have a boyfriend who I love. My trans friend tried to kiss me a while ago and we shared a bed on Saturday night after a night out.

    I think i have feelings for my trans friend but Im not physically attracted to him because Im straight and dont find female body parts attractive. I also love my boyfriend.


    Do I cut my trans friend out of my life for good?
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    As I see it the fact that your friend is trans makes no difference to the story.

    You have a boyfriend, but you also have a friend who is attracted to you and you cuddled with once. (There's your TLDR So Instinct).

    I'd recommend stop bumping in to your friend in clubs. I had a huge crush on my best friend in sixth form, and I got through it without having to cut contact. You just have to tell yourself that if this keeps happening you will either loose your friend or your boyfriend or both.
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    Tbh i think people are giving you a really easy time of it.
    You only consider yourself in this situation and not if this entire situation is fair on your boyfriend. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Considering on the definition you have borderline began the process of cheating, you show little remorse for it and haven't taken decisive action to prevent it and are actually considering leaving your boyfriend if it weren't for the other person being transgender.
    If you have that little commitment to the relationship and lack of moral reasoning then I would do your boyfriend a big favour and end it.
    If this isn't the case I think the obvious solution is actually to spend more time messaging/talking to your boyfriend rather than talking to someone else who obviously has ulterior motives.
    How good a friend is he if he makes advances on you when he knows you have a boyfriend and continues to pursue this line of inquiry once he knows you have a boyfriend?
    Either you are allowing him to do it or he is being unreasonable.
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    (Original post by Pigling)
    You don't have to make this about him being trans at all, and to do so is missing the point imo. Forget the trans issue - is your boyfriend number one or not? Or if you are unsure, do you want your boyfriend to be number one?
    .
    I have to disagree. I would never mention the trans thing to my friend because he has very bad dysphoria and I would never do or say anything to him that would make him feel bad about himself. BUT I do have some kind of feelings for him, I think we have an emotional connection but if I was single, I don't think I'd be comfortable having sex with him.

    But yes you're right in that I love and want my boyfriend and he is the most important thing to me and I don't want to end our relationship. I just don't know what to do about these feelings I have for my friend, I don't even know what these feelings are can you have feelings for someone you're not physically attracted to? Can you be physically attracted to someone with the exception of their genitals and chest area?! Im just so confused, Im sorry if I've offended you by bringing the trans thing into my post.
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    (Original post by zeropoint)
    As I see it the fact that your friend is trans makes no difference to the story.

    You have a boyfriend, but you also have a friend who is attracted to you and you cuddled with once. (There's your TLDR So Instinct).

    I'd recommend stop bumping in to your friend in clubs. I had a huge crush on my best friend in sixth form, and I got through it without having to cut contact. You just have to tell yourself that if this keeps happening you will either loose your friend or your boyfriend or both.

    Well it makes a difference to me because Im confused that I seem to have feelings for someone who has female body parts and I'm straight.

    I don't want to lose my boyfriend and maybe cutting contact will make it easier for my friend to move on and for my feelings to die down.

    Also I never intentionally bump into him in clubs but maybe trying to suss out if he'll be there on certain nights out so I can avoid him would be a good idea.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    My female to male pre op transgender friend says hes in love with me, we get on really really well and he understands me BUT I have a boyfriend who I love. My trans friend tried to kiss me a while ago and we shared a bed on Saturday night after a night out.

    I think i have feelings for my trans friend but Im not physically attracted to him because Im straight and dont find female body parts attractive. I also love my boyfriend.


    Do I cut my trans friend out of my life for good?
    You can try keep the friendship going but chances are your effort would be in vain. Unfortunately in most scenarios unrequited love causes too much friction.
    Hey may be able to get over you with ease, if not I'd suggest putting some space between you guys temporarily and if that makes no difference then drifting away completely would seem appropriate.

    This is me speaking from experience by the way.
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    Difficult situation to be in. No advice but I wish you luck OP x
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    If I was single, I don't think I'd be comfortable having sex with him.

    Im sorry if I've offended you by bringing the trans thing into my post.
    No don't mistake me I'm not offended, I don't think you've shown any bad attitude about trans issues.

    But I'm puzzled as to all this fuss over whether you are/aren't attracted to someone - be they male, female, trans - I don't care but shouldn't you be more concerned about the fact you have a boyfriend?

    Isn't that kind of the main obstacle here? You are talking as though you are considering a relationship with your friend but there's the issue of his female body parts. Whereas if your bf is your number one, I don't see what difference it should really make or the relevance of it at all.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    I don't even know what these feelings are can you have feelings for someone you're not physically attracted to? Can you be physically attracted to someone with the exception of their genitals and chest area?!
    Surely the obvious answer to both of those questions has to be yes, as you have experienced yourself!

    It might be a lot less confusing if you were actually available to have a relationship with your friend (eg: were single) in which case you'd rapidly work out whether you actually interested or not. But it's hypothetical (you aren't single) so I don't understand the importance in any case.

    I recommend focusing on your feelings for your boyfriend, not focusing on your feelings for your friend - if your bf is the one you want to be with.
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    (Original post by Pigling)
    No don't mistake me I'm not offended, I don't think you've shown any bad attitude about trans issues.

    But I'm puzzled as to all this fuss over whether you are/aren't attracted to someone - be they male, female, trans - I don't care but shouldn't you be more concerned about the fact you have a boyfriend?

    Isn't that kind of the main obstacle here? You are talking as though you are considering a relationship with your friend but there's the issue of his female body parts. Whereas if your bf is your number one, I don't see what difference it should really make or the relevance of it at all.
    No I get that, and my boyfriend is my number one and that's why I'm going to distance myself from my friend.

    I'm just also confused that I have these feelings for my friend but I'm not physically attracted, it's just a big mess basically.
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    (Original post by Pigling)
    Surely the obvious answer to both of those questions has to be yes, as you have experienced yourself!

    It might be a lot less confusing if you were actually available to have a relationship with your friend (eg: were single) in which case you'd rapidly work out whether you actually interested or not. But it's hypothetical (you aren't single) so I don't understand the importance in any case.

    I recommend focusing on your feelings for your boyfriend, not focusing on your feelings for your friend - if your bf is the one you want to be with.
    Yes, you're right. Thank you.
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    (Original post by CuteWithoutTheE)
    Yes, you're right. Thank you.
    You're just way over-thinking it, which is not an uncommon thing to do.

    Affection is easily confused with attraction. Attraction to a personality can come without attraction to a physical body (as many people find out online!). It's even more confusing if for whatever reason the object of your affection/attraction is unavailable, because you don't have to actually make a choice - it's the grass is greener syndrome. In terms of sexuality, it's obviously also potentially going to be confusing if someone is at a stage of being partly male/ partly female. Many/most people's sexuality is not clear-cut anyway, and there's no reason to force oneself into a box if that is the case.
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    Interesting situation, OP.

    As somebody above said - what if he were just a "normal" male and not a transgender? You are basically torn between your boyfriend and this person.

    In other words, the dilemma is simple to solve - would you rather your boyfriend or this person? Who would you rather be with? You say that you seem to have more in common with this person and yet your relationship with your actual boyfriend is going fine even though you both don't have much in common.

    Simply put - consider who you like better, taking into account that you're actually already in a relationship. Would you give up everything (i.e. your relationship with your boyfriend) to be with this person?
 
 
 
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