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    I’ve known this guy for 5 years, but because he was really shy and quiet, and I was originally in a relationship when I first met him he didn’t really show up on the radar. After moving back home, about a year and a half ago, and getting out of a verbally abusive relationship I ended up falling him. He became a little more extroverted while I was gone on top of his already good looks and athletic appeal…we practiced martial arts and trained together. Finally being able to get a really good glimpse of his personality I became attracted to him. Honestly I thought I was probably too obvious and trying too hard (I went a bit over confident after a car accident for a while. O-o), but I’m still not sure if he noticed or not or brushed my antics aside as a chick just being weird. I’ll admit to having been in only 2 relationships so I’m not that experienced (one long distance, and the other through E-Harmony). I’m a bit socially awkward, and especially shy about getting out the things that really matter.

    Shortly after I started crushing on him I got into a car accident. We're both trained in therapeutic massage and he was the first to offer to help heal up after the accident. At that point I was already crushing hard on him. So his immediate concern for me made me think, “there might be something there?” A little while after I asked him out casually, you know tea/coffee or go for a walk (he’s the first guy I ever asked out) and was I rejected (though he made it sound like he wasn't good enough and emphasized it repeatedly, I said “okay I’ll just take that as a no”). We had an instructor/student-ish (not exactly because we trained together before he was an “instructor”) relationship and I thought that might be his reasoning after talking with the head instructor about it, who told me that they had told all the instructor’s under them that dating lower ranks was not allowed.

    After I asked him out we had a weekend where we went to monthly class and I hung out with a guy friend I was really close to there. I’m a pretty cuddly person and so is my friend so we were kind of leaning against one another during a lecture and the guy that rejected me was sitting behind us. I’m not sure how he took this, or if he even noticed. The following Monday I approached the guy again and I tried to play it off as if I just was asking him out as a "friend" (because of the instructor/student –ish relationship and the rules) when I asked him about his deflection. Trying to get an answer out of him if he was willing to just hangout, he was very evasive; he finally, metaphorically, threw up his hands and said, 'Fine! I have time!" I took that for what it was a, "Leave me alone!" and did so.

    At this point I’m not sure if he was mad at the time because I was pestering him, because of my friend I leaned against that weekend, or because the conversation continued to take place after a mutual friend of ours walked in and he we wanted to keep it quiet because he’s a really private person. It took a while to get a friendly relationship going again afterwards. For a long time I couldn’t tell if he hated me, or just tolerated me. Sometimes it seemed like he even liked me based on what I witnessed and what other people said about our interactions. But in the long run we're now on good terms.

    It's been about a year and a half since then. I'm not sure if we're, "friends" but we're more than acquaintances. He's always kept his distance and has only barely started opening up to anyone in the last couple years. He's a very private and quiet person so he's very hard to read. I was still interested to an extent even though he rejected me, and still wanted to get to know him better. Over the last year I made a point of doing so and what I do understand of him, since he’s so closed off, my “crush” developed into more. He’s very kind, clever, intelligent, funny, family oriented, love kids, and is interested in a lot of the same things I am. It doesn’t hurt that he’s athletic, tall, and good looking, as well.

    He's since moved away for work, back in Nov., and even though I am in a relationship, I got back with my ex. who resolved his issues, I had a hell of a crying spell when I found out he was leaving town. Over the last year prior I've gotten various hints from people we mutually know that something might be going on, on his head. Strange stuff like talking with him and his mother at a party and his Mom mentioning me in a, "oh you're the one he’s mentioned!" type of thing. My own mother and friends also mention off-handed stuff like him asking about me, or how he’s reacted to things about me/to me when I wasn’t around or noticing.

    Additionally, we kept a working relationship all this time and he's always been very kind, even when it was out of his way. I wonder at times if that's what's kept me hanging, as well as; the non-definitive rejection because it came across as his own "not being worthy/interesting/etc” which talking to other people as well I’m not the only one who questioned whether or not he actually meant it. He was so quiet and shy for so long that despite his athleticism and good looks it’s possible. He really is one of those late bloomer types.

    I also realize that perhaps I screwed thing up by him witnessing me hanging with another guy in a cuddly fashion, as well as; my originally pushy behavior after the car accident. More of recent, before he left town, I hadn’t really hid that I got back with my ex. he probably overheard it, but he picked me up one day from my boyfriend’s, we carpooled to the monthly class occasionally. He’s never been much of a talker. I’m lucky if we’d have 15min of conversation in a 1hr 45min drive, but this particular trip he said he’d been listening to an audio book (he already had the tape-deck piece in) and said he’d like to continue to listen to it and so we did the whole way! This was the first time he’d done that so I’m not sure if it was a reaction to picking me up from my boyfriend’s or not….

    I realize this was really long, but there is a lot of history and confusion. If you read it, thank you. I’m just trying to get some insight. I fell in love with this man over a long period of time. It started out as a crush, but it’s persisted. I just saw him again a couple days ago, and it all came flooding to the surface once again. We were both happy to see one another and said as much.

    Also, I love my boyfriend, but seem to have retained this one-sided love for this other man despite that. I feel torn about it, since I feel like I’m being emotionally unfaithful. I wonder if something really is just lacking in my relationship that I’ve never been able to truly let go of this other guy in my heart. I’m looking for any outside opinion as to whether this is all a figment of my imagination or if it’s possible if there really is something there between us and I’ve just screwed it up on more than one occasion. Thanks.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’ve known this guy for 5 years, but because he was really shy and quiet, and I was originally in a relationship when I first met him he didn’t really show up on the radar. After moving back home, about a year and a half ago, and getting out of a verbally abusive relationship I ended up falling him. He became a little more extroverted while I was gone on top of his already good looks and athletic appeal…we practiced martial arts and trained together. Finally being able to get a really good glimpse of his personality I became attracted to him. Honestly I thought I was probably too obvious and trying too hard (I went a bit over confident after a car accident for a while. O-o), but I’m still not sure if he noticed or not or brushed my antics aside as a chick just being weird. I’ll admit to having been in only 2 relationships so I’m not that experienced (one long distance, and the other through E-Harmony). I’m a bit socially awkward, and especially shy about getting out the things that really matter.

    Shortly after I started crushing on him I got into a car accident. We're both trained in therapeutic massage and he was the first to offer to help heal up after the accident. At that point I was already crushing hard on him. So his immediate concern for me made me think, “there might be something there?” A little while after I asked him out casually, you know tea/coffee or go for a walk (he’s the first guy I ever asked out) and was I rejected (though he made it sound like he wasn't good enough and emphasized it repeatedly, I said “okay I’ll just take that as a no”). We had an instructor/student-ish (not exactly because we trained together before he was an “instructor”) relationship and I thought that might be his reasoning after talking with the head instructor about it, who told me that they had told all the instructor’s under them that dating lower ranks was not allowed.

    After I asked him out we had a weekend where we went to monthly class and I hung out with a guy friend I was really close to there. I’m a pretty cuddly person and so is my friend so we were kind of leaning against one another during a lecture and the guy that rejected me was sitting behind us. I’m not sure how he took this, or if he even noticed. The following Monday I approached the guy again and I tried to play it off as if I just was asking him out as a "friend" (because of the instructor/student –ish relationship and the rules) when I asked him about his deflection. Trying to get an answer out of him if he was willing to just hangout, he was very evasive; he finally, metaphorically, threw up his hands and said, 'Fine! I have time!" I took that for what it was a, "Leave me alone!" and did so.

    At this point I’m not sure if he was mad at the time because I was pestering him, because of my friend I leaned against that weekend, or because the conversation continued to take place after a mutual friend of ours walked in and he we wanted to keep it quiet because he’s a really private person. It took a while to get a friendly relationship going again afterwards. For a long time I couldn’t tell if he hated me, or just tolerated me. Sometimes it seemed like he even liked me based on what I witnessed and what other people said about our interactions. But in the long run we're now on good terms.

    It's been about a year and a half since then. I'm not sure if we're, "friends" but we're more than acquaintances. He's always kept his distance and has only barely started opening up to anyone in the last couple years. He's a very private and quiet person so he's very hard to read. I was still interested to an extent even though he rejected me, and still wanted to get to know him better. Over the last year I made a point of doing so and what I do understand of him, since he’s so closed off, my “crush” developed into more. He’s very kind, clever, intelligent, funny, family oriented, love kids, and is interested in a lot of the same things I am. It doesn’t hurt that he’s athletic, tall, and good looking, as well.

    He's since moved away for work, back in Nov., and even though I am in a relationship, I got back with my ex. who resolved his issues, I had a hell of a crying spell when I found out he was leaving town. Over the last year prior I've gotten various hints from people we mutually know that something might be going on, on his head. Strange stuff like talking with him and his mother at a party and his Mom mentioning me in a, "oh you're the one he’s mentioned!" type of thing. My own mother and friends also mention off-handed stuff like him asking about me, or how he’s reacted to things about me/to me when I wasn’t around or noticing.

    Additionally, we kept a working relationship all this time and he's always been very kind, even when it was out of his way. I wonder at times if that's what's kept me hanging, as well as; the non-definitive rejection because it came across as his own "not being worthy/interesting/etc” which talking to other people as well I’m not the only one who questioned whether or not he actually meant it. He was so quiet and shy for so long that despite his athleticism and good looks it’s possible. He really is one of those late bloomer types.

    I also realize that perhaps I screwed thing up by him witnessing me hanging with another guy in a cuddly fashion, as well as; my originally pushy behavior after the car accident. More of recent, before he left town, I hadn’t really hid that I got back with my ex. he probably overheard it, but he picked me up one day from my boyfriend’s, we carpooled to the monthly class occasionally. He’s never been much of a talker. I’m lucky if we’d have 15min of conversation in a 1hr 45min drive, but this particular trip he said he’d been listening to an audio book (he already had the tape-deck piece in) and said he’d like to continue to listen to it and so we did the whole way! This was the first time he’d done that so I’m not sure if it was a reaction to picking me up from my boyfriend’s or not….

    I realize this was really long, but there is a lot of history and confusion. If you read it, thank you. I’m just trying to get some insight. I fell in love with this man over a long period of time. It started out as a crush, but it’s persisted. I just saw him again a couple days ago, and it all came flooding to the surface once again. We were both happy to see one another and said as much.

    Also, I love my boyfriend, but seem to have retained this one-sided love for this other man despite that. I feel torn about it, since I feel like I’m being emotionally unfaithful. I wonder if something really is just lacking in my relationship that I’ve never been able to truly let go of this other guy in my heart. I’m looking for any outside opinion as to whether this is all a figment of my imagination or if it’s possible if there really is something there between us and I’ve just screwed it up on more than one occasion. Thanks.
    If I was in that situation i'd be direct and tell this guy exactly how I feel, and I'd ask him how HE felt. No more guess work. No more trying to see something that you want to see. I'd ask him, outright.

    Would 'knowing' make you feel better? He could say something that you don't want to hear, so you need to decide which would hurt you more, him saying he doesn't feel the same, or the torture of not knowing.

    There's this top secret thing about guys:

    They are simple. Well, most of them are. They are not complicated like so many girls want them to be. They just aren't.

    So just ask him, see what he says and then take it from there.
 
 
 
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