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Could I be on the brink of an emotional affair, or is it all in my head? Watch

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    The reason I ask is because I'm not sure it's even a viable worry, but I can't shake an uncomfortable feeling concerning the situation.

    Last year I experienced an instantaneous attraction to a guy I'm working with, though it never grew to any intensity because I was head over heels for my boyfriend. In fact, the very point that it didn't grow further because of my feelings for my boyfriend only solidified our relationship in my eyes.

    However, a few months later my boyfriend left me to go travelling for a while, and it just so happened that I was put on an intense project with the guy at work around this time. I was missing my boyfriend and eventually concluded that the reason I was thinking about this guy so much was only because of this very reason - so when my boyfriend returned, I put the guy out of my head and continued to have a great relationship. I thought I was cured.

    But several months on, it's worse than ever. We began to send personal, but not flirty emails to one another when outside of work, and my heart accelerated so fast in his presence that I couldn't bear to be near him anymore - at this point I went out of my way many times to avoid him and thus do my relationship good in the long run! Finally I bumped into him when with my boyfriend, and I introduced the two. The next day I was chatting with this co-worker about an event I'm going to that will help boost performance at work, and he asked if he could come with me - I said yes, not knowing how else to respond (also I had initially suggested my bf come with me but he said he might be travelling again). Just as I was thinking about how I'd actually started to miss this guy (since I've been avoiding him), he contacted me asking me to go to another event with him - which he said would relate to the work we're doing.

    Now we're going to this thing together, and as he seems a really stand up guy who knows I have a boyfriend, surely it's nothing more than a platonic? I don't want to call it off as it's important to me to go, but I'm not sure how comfy I'd feel about it being the two of us. On the other hand, maybe he views as friends and that's why he asked me to come in the first place? And therefore I should stop freaking out and just have a good time?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The reason I ask is because I'm not sure it's even a viable worry, but I can't shake an uncomfortable feeling concerning the situation.

    Last year I experienced an instantaneous attraction to a guy I'm working with, though it never grew to any intensity because I was head over heels for my boyfriend. In fact, the very point that it didn't grow further because of my feelings for my boyfriend only solidified our relationship in my eyes.

    However, a few months later my boyfriend left me to go travelling for a while, and it just so happened that I was put on an intense project with the guy at work around this time. I was missing my boyfriend and eventually concluded that the reason I was thinking about this guy so much was only because of this very reason - so when my boyfriend returned, I put the guy out of my head and continued to have a great relationship. I thought I was cured.

    But several months on, it's worse than ever. We began to send personal, but not flirty emails to one another when outside of work, and my heart accelerated so fast in his presence that I couldn't bear to be near him anymore - at this point I went out of my way many times to avoid him and thus do my relationship good in the long run! Finally I bumped into him when with my boyfriend, and I introduced the two. The next day I was chatting with this co-worker about an event I'm going to that will help boost performance at work, and he asked if he could come with me - I said yes, not knowing how else to respond (also I had initially suggested my bf come with me but he said he might be travelling again). Just as I was thinking about how I'd actually started to miss this guy (since I've been avoiding him), he contacted me asking me to go to another event with him - which he said would relate to the work we're doing.

    Now we're going to this thing together, and as he seems a really stand up guy who knows I have a boyfriend, surely it's nothing more than a platonic? I don't want to call it off as it's important to me to go, but I'm not sure how comfy I'd feel about it being the two of us. On the other hand, maybe he views as friends and that's why he asked me to come in the first place? And therefore I should stop freaking out and just have a good time?
    Does sound to me with your boyfriend going off traveling it is making you feel a bit unloved and maybe you are seeking comfort with this guy at work, but obviously you know you can't do anything unless you do decide to end things with your boyfriend first.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The reason I ask is because I'm not sure it's even a viable worry, but I can't shake an uncomfortable feeling concerning the situation.

    Last year I experienced an instantaneous attraction to a guy I'm working with, though it never grew to any intensity because I was head over heels for my boyfriend. In fact, the very point that it didn't grow further because of my feelings for my boyfriend only solidified our relationship in my eyes.

    However, a few months later my boyfriend left me to go travelling for a while, and it just so happened that I was put on an intense project with the guy at work around this time. I was missing my boyfriend and eventually concluded that the reason I was thinking about this guy so much was only because of this very reason - so when my boyfriend returned, I put the guy out of my head and continued to have a great relationship. I thought I was cured.

    But several months on, it's worse than ever. We began to send personal, but not flirty emails to one another when outside of work, and my heart accelerated so fast in his presence that I couldn't bear to be near him anymore - at this point I went out of my way many times to avoid him and thus do my relationship good in the long run! Finally I bumped into him when with my boyfriend, and I introduced the two. The next day I was chatting with this co-worker about an event I'm going to that will help boost performance at work, and he asked if he could come with me - I said yes, not knowing how else to respond (also I had initially suggested my bf come with me but he said he might be travelling again). Just as I was thinking about how I'd actually started to miss this guy (since I've been avoiding him), he contacted me asking me to go to another event with him - which he said would relate to the work we're doing.

    Now we're going to this thing together, and as he seems a really stand up guy who knows I have a boyfriend, surely it's nothing more than a platonic? I don't want to call it off as it's important to me to go, but I'm not sure how comfy I'd feel about it being the two of us. On the other hand, maybe he views as friends and that's why he asked me to come in the first place? And therefore I should stop freaking out and just have a good time?

    I would say your feelings for your college are purely because you can't have him, its exciting and also "naughty" in a way, just because you have a boyfriend. You aren't cheating though, and you aren't even considering cheating, you simply just fancy this guy a bit.
    This guy probably does just see you as a friend, but the fact you are over thinking the whole thing makes you imagine differently and you will read into every move he makes and everything he says.
    Force yourself into believing this guy only see's you as a friend, and if he doesn't, and he does fancy you, so what? You aren't cheating on your boyfriend, you're not even flirting.
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    Is it not just the whole 'want what you cant have' controversty? I mean you probably could have him, yet you know you cant on behald of your relationship?

    You would probably gain feelings for your current boyfriend if you were with the guy from work. Well I say this from personal experience.
    And at a stretch, maybe you're bored and would like a change? If your a person who doesnt like routine then there is a chance you may want to be spontaneous and do something crazy, thus having mental thoughts about work-guy.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Does sound to me with your boyfriend going off traveling it is making you feel a bit unloved and maybe you are seeking comfort with this guy at work, but obviously you know you can't do anything unless you do decide to end things with your boyfriend first.
    I think that's how it started at least, yeah.
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    (Original post by Student Midwife)
    I would say your feelings for your college are purely because you can't have him, its exciting and also "naughty" in a way, just because you have a boyfriend. You aren't cheating though, and you aren't even considering cheating, you simply just fancy this guy a bit.
    This guy probably does just see you as a friend, but the fact you are over thinking the whole thing makes you imagine differently and you will read into every move he makes and everything he says.
    Force yourself into believing this guy only see's you as a friend, and if he doesn't, and he does fancy you, so what? You aren't cheating on your boyfriend, you're not even flirting.
    Yeah, I'm honestly not sure. I actually think before I ever had any feelings towards the guy I picked up on him looking at me a few times in the office, and maybe subconsciously thought I picked up on some attraction from him.
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    (Original post by shannonmarshall)
    Is it not just the whole 'want what you cant have' controversty? I mean you probably could have him, yet you know you cant on behald of your relationship?

    You would probably gain feelings for your current boyfriend if you were with the guy from work. Well I say this from personal experience.
    And at a stretch, maybe you're bored and would like a change? If your a person who doesnt like routine then there is a chance you may want to be spontaneous and do something crazy, thus having mental thoughts about work-guy.
    I don't think it's just that to be honest. I would actually say that its his personality that has done it for, the kind of topics he is passionate about in life, etc. So it seems more than just lustful.

    I would also say he is the first guy I've been attracted to since I met my boyfriend two years ago; as I rarely like people, and when I do, it's full on. I think our relationship has become a bit routine for various reasons, and I do agree this is part of the problem.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't think it's just that to be honest. I would actually say that its his personality that has done it for, the kind of topics he is passionate about in life, etc. So it seems more than just lustful.

    I would also say he is the first guy I've been attracted to since I met my boyfriend two years ago; as I rarely like people, and when I do, it's full on. I think our relationship has become a bit routine for various reasons, and I do agree this is part of the problem.
    I see your dilemma. However, is this person from work not one of those 'over-friendly' people who seem to be interrested yet they're just being really close friends? That may be an option to explore.
    Possibly try talking to him about how close you've became but in a joking friendly way without causing any suspision if thats possible?
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    Speaking as someone who's having an emotional affair with a married man, I would say, yes your situation is potentially dangerous to your relationship if you're not careful. But at least you're aware of that. Just make sure you don't cross the line of no going back - i.e. where you cannot break off from other guy if necessary

    I've learnt the hard way. My situation started off as a completely innocent friendship, although there was an obvious attraction on both sides and I ignored it. Anyway it turned into so much more, and it's very hurtful and hard to walk away, so if you think you're going to fall into that trap, better to do something and distance yourself from this other guy if possible.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Speaking as someone who's having an emotional affair with a married man, I would say, yes your situation is potentially dangerous to your relationship if you're not careful. But at least you're aware of that. Just make sure you don't cross the line of no going back - i.e. where you cannot break off from other guy if necessary

    I've learnt the hard way. My situation started off as a completely innocent friendship, although there was an obvious attraction on both sides and I ignored it. Anyway it turned into so much more, and it's very hurtful and hard to walk away, so if you think you're going to fall into that trap, better to do something and distance yourself from this other guy if possible.
    Do you mind me asking how it turned into more? Where I'm at just now is that I feel like I'm playing with fire - that's honestly how I feel, but I also know going to this thing with him could end up being a completely innocent time.

    In some sense I can't help but feel this attraction is mutual, other times I'm not sure. He could be very good at hiding it (though the fact I saw caught him looking previously suggests he's no expert).
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    (Original post by shannonmarshall)
    I see your dilemma. However, is this person from work not one of those 'over-friendly' people who seem to be interrested yet they're just being really close friends? That may be an option to explore.
    Possibly try talking to him about how close you've became but in a joking friendly way without causing any suspision if thats possible?
    It could honestly be either. He is very friendly to most people. But also recently when we were on a works night another male colleague was sitting chatting to me, and when I looked up, his head spun the other way as though he'd been watching us (but you know, this could be me reading into things..).

    I think if I knew the answer it would make me feel more comfortable about attending events with him. But I can't just ask, so!
    • #2
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Do you mind me asking how it turned into more? Where I'm at just now is that I feel like I'm playing with fire - that's honestly how I feel, but I also know going to this thing with him could end up being a completely innocent time.

    In some sense I can't help but feel this attraction is mutual, other times I'm not sure. He could be very good at hiding it (though the fact I saw caught him looking previously suggests he's no expert).
    That's exactly how I felt - like I was playing with fire - but also thought it was all in my head and that it must be innocent, he's a nice guy and super outgoing and friendly. I caught him looking at me a few times too but dismissed it along with all the other little signs, like subtle comments etc.

    We started hanging out alone together, just little legitimate things at first, but then more and more. Then he came out and told me he had feelings for me. I was taken aback but all the signs were there, and by that stage I was already hooked.

    And now neither of us can walk away, and although nothing sexual has or will happen it's a very difficult situation...and I still don't know what to do because genuinely he feels like my best friend but also so much more and it's affecting both of us quite deeply

    How do you feel about this guy compared to your boyfriend?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's exactly how I felt - like I was playing with fire - but also thought it was all in my head and that it must be innocent, he's a nice guy and super outgoing and friendly. I caught him looking at me a few times too but dismissed it along with all the other little signs, like subtle comments etc.

    We started hanging out alone together, just little legitimate things at first, but then more and more. Then he came out and told me he had feelings for me. I was taken aback but all the signs were there, and by that stage I was already hooked.

    And now neither of us can walk away, and although nothing sexual has or will happen it's a very difficult situation...and I still don't know what to do because genuinely he feels like my best friend but also so much more and it's affecting both of us quite deeply

    How do you feel about this guy compared to your boyfriend?
    I think I could both be downplaying the signals I've witnessed, or/and making them seem like a bigger deal than they are. I don't know, but the fact he contacted me right at the time I was thinking he probably didn't have feelings for me seemed strange timing.

    How do I feel about him in comparison to my boyfriend? Well I don't love him. But I do I see myself potentially falling for him if we became closer - he is the only person I have wanted to date since meeting my boyfriend 2 years ago.

    I feel very strong chemistry with him on an attraction level, but a potentially even stronger connection on a mental level. Again, I think I have only connected with a few people like this in my lifetime, and believe he could be a potential boyfriend if I wasn't already taken. Or a potential friend.

    I love my boyfriend, but lately little things have arisen to make me question our compatibility in the long-term and occasionally I panic and wonder if I might miss out on someone better for me. Things have inevitably become a bit routine, but don't get me wrong - he still gives me butterflies, and I like him a great deal. We have had some rockier times, but 9/10 I still have a lot of fun with him.
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    Ugh, this hasn't gone very well. I've got some good perspective, but still not much advice for what to do next!
 
 
 
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