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My Friend is dating someone who took advantage of me - Do I tell her about him? Watch

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    Okay, this is complicated, but I will try and convey the main bits;

    Around three years ago I was in a secret relationship with a guy, M. On one occasion during that relationship I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to. He apologised, and I forgave him, and our relationship continued for another month or so, after which I was encouraged by my friend, L, to break it off with him - M had dated a friend before, and if she found out, she'd be really upset.

    Roughly a year later, we began having casual sexual encounters with one another - I would go to his house as a friend to play video games, but we both sort of knew what would happen. I got reattached, but I eventually found out he was chasing somebody else. Many years later I was told he was dating another friend secretly at the time, as opposed to chasing them.

    Fast forward to now, and my friend L has just begun a relationship with M. I have had a Boyfriend steadily now for the last year who I love very much, and when I told him about M and how we had been together, he told me that I had been used and raped. This seems strong but I agree what he did was wrong. I've never really told anyone apart from my Boyfriend the whole truth behind what happened - I told L at the time that we were only thinking of starting a relationship, and just liked each other. I'm now wondering should I have told L about what M was like, and his previous misdeeds? Should I trust her to make her own choices and let it go? I try not to speak to M now, and so I don't know if he's changed.

    Sorry for the very long post, but a reply would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is complicated, but I will try and convey the main bits;

    Around three years ago I was in a secret relationship with a guy, M. On one occasion during that relationship I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to. He apologised, and I forgave him, and our relationship continued for another month or so, after which I was encouraged by my friend, L, to break it off with him - M had dated a friend before, and if she found out, she'd be really upset.

    Roughly a year later, we began having casual sexual encounters with one another - I would go to his house as a friend to play video games, but we both sort of knew what would happen. I got reattached, but I eventually found out he was chasing somebody else. Many years later I was told he was dating another friend secretly at the time, as opposed to chasing them.

    Fast forward to now, and my friend L has just begun a relationship with M. I have had a Boyfriend steadily now for the last year who I love very much, and when I told him about M and how we had been together, he told me that I had been used and raped. This seems strong but I agree what he did was wrong. I've never really told anyone apart from my Boyfriend the whole truth behind what happened - I told L at the time that we were only thinking of starting a relationship, and just liked each other. I'm now wondering should I have told L about what M was like, and his previous misdeeds? Should I trust her to make her own choices and let it go? I try not to speak to M now, and so I don't know if he's changed.

    Sorry for the very long post, but a reply would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading x
    If you're close to your friend, of course you should tell her. If you care about her at all, i think its a good idea to warn her. I don't believe that people like M ever change. Your boyfriend said the truth, if you didn't consent to something, even if you said no half way through, its rape.
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    Legally, it is rape if you say no and someone continues to perform oral sex on you.

    It is a VERY BIG DEAL if someone doesn't respect consent in the bedroom. Consent is the bedrock of healthy and mutually enjoyable sexual relationships. Ignoring withdrawal of consent is abusive and dangerous.

    I would be upset if I knew that a friend was aware that my boyfriend hadn't always respected consent in the past and didn't tell me. Yes, people change, but this is really important. It's not like he didn't call you back or something; by both legal and moral definitions, he raped you. (Though it sounds like you didn't take much of an emotional hit, which is good. )

    I understand it could be awkward if your friend feels like you're accusing her new love of something terrible, and that it could harm your friendship. It's definitely a topic to be raised sensitively. Try to phrase it like you're simply relating something that happened rather than issuing a dire warning, and avoid hugely accusatory language - in this context, "took advantage of" is probably a better phrase than "raped". But it's definitely worth telling your friend - it might give her the confidence to walk out should he pull a similar thing or her, or mean she feels able to tell you about it if he abuses her and she needs someone to talk to.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is complicated, but I will try and convey the main bits;

    Around three years ago I was in a secret relationship with a guy, M. On one occasion during that relationship I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to. He apologised, and I forgave him, and our relationship continued for another month or so, after which I was encouraged by my friend, L, to break it off with him - M had dated a friend before, and if she found out, she'd be really upset.

    Roughly a year later, we began having casual sexual encounters with one another - I would go to his house as a friend to play video games, but we both sort of knew what would happen. I got reattached, but I eventually found out he was chasing somebody else. Many years later I was told he was dating another friend secretly at the time, as opposed to chasing them.

    Fast forward to now, and my friend L has just begun a relationship with M. I have had a Boyfriend steadily now for the last year who I love very much, and when I told him about M and how we had been together, he told me that I had been used and raped. This seems strong but I agree what he did was wrong. I've never really told anyone apart from my Boyfriend the whole truth behind what happened - I told L at the time that we were only thinking of starting a relationship, and just liked each other. I'm now wondering should I have told L about what M was like, and his previous misdeeds? Should I trust her to make her own choices and let it go? I try not to speak to M now, and so I don't know if he's changed.

    Sorry for the very long post, but a reply would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading x
    it's probably a good thing to warn her. but be careful, she might think you're jealous and get angry at you
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is complicated, but I will try and convey the main bits;

    Around three years ago I was in a secret relationship with a guy, M. On one occasion during that relationship I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to. He apologised, and I forgave him, and our relationship continued for another month or so, after which I was encouraged by my friend, L, to break it off with him - M had dated a friend before, and if she found out, she'd be really upset.

    Roughly a year later, we began having casual sexual encounters with one another - I would go to his house as a friend to play video games, but we both sort of knew what would happen. I got reattached, but I eventually found out he was chasing somebody else. Many years later I was told he was dating another friend secretly at the time, as opposed to chasing them.

    Fast forward to now, and my friend L has just begun a relationship with M. I have had a Boyfriend steadily now for the last year who I love very much, and when I told him about M and how we had been together, he told me that I had been used and raped. This seems strong but I agree what he did was wrong. I've never really told anyone apart from my Boyfriend the whole truth behind what happened - I told L at the time that we were only thinking of starting a relationship, and just liked each other. I'm now wondering should I have told L about what M was like, and his previous misdeeds? Should I trust her to make her own choices and let it go? I try not to speak to M now, and so I don't know if he's changed.

    Sorry for the very long post, but a reply would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading x
    Tell her as soon as possible. She is your friend after all, and surely you don't want her to end up being used and raped. She may want some time to digest it but its for her own good too
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    You can tell her if you want to as she's your friend but she should have her own physical boundaries as to what to go past and do.

    I don't want to sound crazy but, is there anything to tell/how did it happen?

    There is something VERY uncomfortable involving teeth you can do to a guy who is forcing his penis into your mouth. If you really thought what was going on was completely involuntary sexual assault. Why did you make no attempt to escape or use force? I understand that's extreme but one of the bounds to constitute sexual assault is that you've got to have been made to comply.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is complicated, but I will try and convey the main bits;

    Around three years ago I was in a secret relationship with a guy, M. On one occasion during that relationship I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to. He apologised, and I forgave him, and our relationship continued for another month or so, after which I was encouraged by my friend, L, to break it off with him - M had dated a friend before, and if she found out, she'd be really upset.

    Roughly a year later, we began having casual sexual encounters with one another - I would go to his house as a friend to play video games, but we both sort of knew what would happen. I got reattached, but I eventually found out he was chasing somebody else. Many years later I was told he was dating another friend secretly at the time, as opposed to chasing them.

    Fast forward to now, and my friend L has just begun a relationship with M. I have had a Boyfriend steadily now for the last year who I love very much, and when I told him about M and how we had been together, he told me that I had been used and raped. This seems strong but I agree what he did was wrong. I've never really told anyone apart from my Boyfriend the whole truth behind what happened - I told L at the time that we were only thinking of starting a relationship, and just liked each other. I'm now wondering should I have told L about what M was like, and his previous misdeeds? Should I trust her to make her own choices and let it go? I try not to speak to M now, and so I don't know if he's changed.

    Sorry for the very long post, but a reply would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading x
    I'd say tell her and warn her about what he's like and done. If shes a proper friend you need. Although make sure she doesnt take it as you're jealous and trying to break them up.
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    Tell her. She might not like it but if something bad happens to her in the future and you hadn't warned her....
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    If we could all stop victim blaming that would be ace. She said "I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" that is the information we have been given and that is rape regardless of whether they had sex again or whatever. Not all victims of rape are beaten and hurt, not all rape victims react in the same way and to accuse her of lying because she isn't fitting the profile in your head of what a rape victim should be is vile.

    The attitudes here disgust me sometimes.
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    If we could all stop victim blaming that would be ace. She said "I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" that is the information we have been given and that is rape regardless of whether they had sex again or whatever. Not all victims of rape are beaten and hurt, not all rape victims react in the same way and to accuse her of lying because she isn't fitting the profile in your head of what a rape victim should be is vile.

    The attitudes here disgust me sometimes.
    If he had blackmailed or used physical violence on her or was very manipulative, then I'd have said it was rape. From what I've been reading, it just sounds like he was really pushy for sex. Hell, not even she considered it rape for several years' not saying that that is definitive proof, however it just shows that he probably didn't go any farther than being very pushy
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    If we could all stop victim blaming that would be ace. She said "I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" that is the information we have been given and that is rape regardless of whether they had sex again or whatever. Not all victims of rape are beaten and hurt, not all rape victims react in the same way and to accuse her of lying because she isn't fitting the profile in your head of what a rape victim should be is vile.

    The attitudes here disgust me sometimes.
    Yes there is some victim blaming going on here....

    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    Sounds like you just got tired and said can I give up.. he said a little longer and so you begrudgingly carried on... NOT RAPE.
    What on earth led you to that conclusion? She's explained nothing of the situation for all we know he could have physically forced her to keep going? Let's try and stay neutral shall we.

    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    if he had raped you then you certainly wouldn't be wanting to do that. Just be careful using that word because you could ruin his life by throwing it around as easily as you are.
    How do you know that? You can't decide how an individual you know nothing of behaves/ reacts. And she's not throwing the word around as easily as she is, she said her boyfriend says it was rape although she wouldn't go as far as to call it that. :curious:
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    (Original post by bottled)
    If he had blackmailed or used physical violence on her, then I'd have said it was rape. From what I've been reading, it just sounds like he was really pushy for sex. Hell, not even she considered it rape for several years' not saying that that is definitive proof, however it just shows that he probably didn't go any farther than being very pushy
    Luckily what you have to say on the matter means very little. Rape doesn't need to involve physical violence or blackmail, it's a shame you are unwilling to see that.

    She might not have considered it rape, not all rape leaves women with lasting effects, not all women realise or consider what happened to them as rape and may even think what happened to them was rape.

    Even if you don't think it should be considered rape, the fact you are ok with someone being "very pushy" when it comes to sex is pretty low.
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    Luckily what you have to say on the matter means very little. Rape doesn't need to involve physical violence or blackmail, it's a shame you are unwilling to see that.

    She might not have considered it rape, not all rape leaves women with lasting effects, not all women realise or consider what happened to them as rape and may even think what happened to them was rape.

    Even if you don't think it should be considered rape, the fact you are ok with someone being "very pushy" when it comes to sex is pretty low.
    I don't recall saying that being pushy was ok, nor did I say that her not considering it important was definitive proof that it was okay. And I am aware that rape doesn't need to involve physical violence. There is barely any context in the original post, we don't know if he was being manipulative, or just simply asking several multiple times. All I see you doing is simply jumping the gun with the majority of what I've said
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    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    Its far from rape... I can't stand it when girls do something they regret and so play the rape card.

    He may have pressured you into continuing but if you carried on then that's not really rape. You could have stopped and if you really didn't want to that badly then you would have. Sounds like you just got tired and said can I give up.. he said a little longer and so you begrudgingly carried on... NOT RAPE.

    If he genuinely forced it down your throat or abused/ threatened/blackmailed you into continuing then yes you have grounds to be upset and he shouldn't have done that... but it really doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong this point made more so by the fact that you on numerous occasions went back to his and had more "sexual encounters"... if he had raped you then you certainly wouldn't be wanting to do that. Just be careful using that word because you could ruin his life by throwing it around as easily as you are.
    To be honest, I think you're the one who should watch what you're saying. I don't deny that some women have played the 'rape card' without justification. However there is absolutely no evidence whether this applies to OP or not. How do you know she 'could have stopped?' Do you know anything about the situation? Do you know anything about this guy? How do you know he didn't just grab her head and prevent her stopping? A lot of people don't even realize that's still rape. (And another thing, OP never even called it rape. Her friend did. You've jumped to attack her for a word she never even used.) And even above and beyond that, I don't think you understand what rape is. Saying if it had been real rape 'you certainly wouldn't be wanting to' go back round his house is just ignorant. It's like saying victims of domestic abuse never return to their partners. Of course they do. It's part of the power the abuser has over them.

    Seriously, I'm not pretending to know anything about OPs situation either. But its people like you who make so many women afraid to speak out about stuff like this. You just instantly assume they're a liar, they were asking for it and it isn't 'real rape' unless they're black and blue. If you don't know what happened, refrain judgement before jumping on your know-it-all-express.
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    (Original post by bottled)
    I don't recall saying that being pushy was ok, nor did I say that her not considering it important was definitive proof that it was okay. And I am aware that rape doesn't need to involve physical violence. There is barely any context in the original post, we don't know if he was being manipulative, or just simply asking several multiple times. All I see you doing is simply jumping the gun with the majority of what I've said
    You have yet to express any negativity towards the BF and only towards the OP. Also although you admit there is barely anything to go on, you have still managed to heap the blame on her for anything that may have happened.
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    You have yet to express any negativity towards the BF and only towards the OP. Also although you admit there is barely anything to go on, you have still managed to heap the blame on her for anything that may have happened.
    I reread my first post here.
    I didn't pass any judgement, nor was my lack of visible outrage towards the boyfriend any proof of negativity.I was simply wondering if it were truly rape. I didn't say at any point that the girl was wrong, if anything if you were to look through all my posts, nor did I even suggest that the boy did nothing wrong.just because I have yet to say it doesn't mean I consider the girl to be in the wrong

    . Perhaps I was unclear at some point, I really don't know.
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    (Original post by Misstery)
    To be honest, I think you're the one who should watch what you're saying. I don't deny that some women have played the 'rape card' without justification. However there is absolutely no evidence whether this applies to OP or not. How do you know she 'could have stopped?' Do you know anything about the situation? Do you know anything about this guy? How do you know he didn't just grab her head and prevent her stopping? A lot of people don't even realize that's still rape. (And another thing, OP never even called it rape. Her friend did. You've jumped to attack her for a word she never even used.) And even above and beyond that, I don't think you understand what rape is. Saying if it had been real rape 'you certainly wouldn't be wanting to' go back round his house is just ignorant. It's like saying victims of domestic abuse never return to their partners. Of course they do. It's part of the power the abuser has over them.

    Seriously, I'm not pretending to know anything about OPs situation either. But its people like you who make so many women afraid to speak out about stuff like this. You just instantly assume they're a liar, they were asking for it and it isn't 'real rape' unless they're black and blue. If you don't know what happened, refrain judgement before jumping on your know-it-all-express.
    Ok I've highlighted what I have because you're a hypocrite. You whine on at me about saying things about someone I know nothing about and then you do the exact same to me and 'label' me with the blanket of oppressive men.

    I think that most sane people will agree, that if this girl is coming on to TSR to talk about the situation then the very fact that she is deciding to share it on a very open very public forum indicates that she is not really likely to omit any important and crucial facts. That is an assumption yes...but it is a completely logical deduction. Just because she didn't say " he held me there and i was crying and begging for him to stop ect ect" doesn't mean it didn't happen... yeah that's true, but it is far more likely to deduce that it really DIDN'T happen... after all we have no reason to assume it did really.

    Quite honestly yes you have a point, we know far far to little about the subject to make any conclusion but based on what the OP said and the fairly logical assumption that she wouldn't omit any crucial facts I think it's fair to say that this guy didn't have an oppressive hold over her at all and that things did actually transpire in much the way as I've described. After all we have no reason to think otherwise.
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    (Original post by pandabird)
    Yes there is some victim blaming going on here....



    What on earth led you to that conclusion? She's explained nothing of the situation for all we know he could have physically forced her to keep going? Let's try and stay neutral shall we.


    How do you know that? You can't decide how an individual you know nothing of behaves/ reacts. And she's not throwing the word around as easily as she is, she said her boyfriend says it was rape although she wouldn't go as far as to call it that. :curious:

    People seem to be losing basic perspective here. All the people in this thread who are saying " he might have done this", "how do you know he wasn't being oppresive", "she didn't go into detail, he might have been beating her or have a hold over her for all you know" are jumping the gun.

    Yes he might have been and Yes this could be a very serious case... but you can't make a point based solely on the omission of facts.
    Her description really is not that in depth it's true, but the fact she's come on to a public forum for advice on the matter makes it a pretty sure thing that she's not going to forget a blindingly important fact.

    She simply states on one single occasion that she didn't want to carry on and he "made" her... that means nothing really... "made" her could really have been "oh please I'm almost there just keep going" or yeah it could have been hand on her head and force it down her throat... but seeing as she didn't say that AND there were no other problems with her being "made" to do stuff in the relationship from then on... it's perfectly logical to assume this guys innocence.


    I think everyone in this forum is going to take sides, females will side with her because of the impending worry of rape and oppressive relationships and males will side with him because of society's massive tendency to side with the woman screaming sexual assault.

    there's really no point entering into a discussion on this matter simple because of the lack of detail given in the OP's poorly constructed post.
    My post was simply my two cents on the situation based solely on the facts given... or more appropriately the lack of facts given.
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    If you found the guy creepy, there's nothing wrong with sharing your experiences. Men like that really suck and it's a shame that I seem to have come into contact with more guys than I would have liked that fit that pushy, pervy description.
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    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    People seem to be losing basic perspective here. All the people in this thread who are saying " he might have done this", "how do you know he wasn't being oppresive", "she didn't go into detail, he might have been beating her or have a hold over her for all you know" are jumping the gun.

    Yes he might have been and Yes this could be a very serious case... but you can't make a point based solely on the omission of facts.
    Her description really is not that in depth it's true, but the fact she's come on to a public forum for advice on the matter makes it a pretty sure thing that she's not going to forget a blindingly important fact.

    She simply states on one single occasion that she didn't want to carry on and he "made" her... that means nothing really... "made" her could really have been "oh please I'm almost there just keep going" or yeah it could have been hand on her head and force it down her throat... but seeing as she didn't say that AND there were no other problems with her being "made" to do stuff in the relationship from then on... it's perfectly logical to assume this guys innocence.


    I think everyone in this forum is going to take sides, females will side with her because of the impending worry of rape and oppressive relationships and males will side with him because of society's massive tendency to side with the woman screaming sexual assault.

    there's really no point entering into a discussion on this matter simple because of the lack of detail given in the OP's poorly constructed post.
    My post was simply my two cents on the situation based solely on the facts given... or more appropriately the lack of facts given.
    If only that was half true. This thread is proof most people will try and claim anything but.
 
 
 
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