I've really lost the will to live. Watch
- Thread Starter
Last edited by Maid Marian; 17-05-2014 at 18:50.
- 19-04-2013 17:43
- 20-04-2013 15:27
I have read your story. I am also in sixth form and I feel the same in so many ways. I will sit is lessons and not speak a word, I hide from people, if I end up being alone in the street I will turn completely around if i see people around me, I never ever go near a party.. the thought just makes me feel terrified! But, I have a group of friends and the only time I am confident is when I am with them.
You may feel terrible and ugly and shy but you probably aren't any more ugly than most people around you (it's your self esteem telling you otherwise), and I am not pretty but I have a boyfriend who loves me, and I can tell you right now things will get better. I have thought terrible things and just wished I would shrivel up and vanish, but it DOES get better. And it isn't just about how you look because I am not a pretty girl. If people don't accept your shyness and anxiety, then really they aren't worth worrying about or wanting to be friends with anyway, because the only people who matter are the ones who accept you for you, and in a few years you WILL have people who care and love you for you, they just aren't in your life yet.
NEVER think of ending your life, you sound like a lovely girl and just carry on and one day it will get better
- 20-04-2013 16:17
Wow, okay. OP, I can honestly really relate to your situation. I've been a loner my entire life, I've never had any real friends. I'm painfully shy and quiet, which really doesn't help.
I wish I could think of some advice for you, but if I had any I would have followed it long ago! I think it's sad that no one else has replied.
I think with the guy you like, you should really just try and forget about him after you leave sixth form. I know it's hard but I've had massive crushes in the past ... you really have to let it go. Unless you think there's any chance at all that he might feel the same way Stop yourself dwelling on him. There are so many other boys out there. And at 18 years old, how can you say you are gong to be a virgin forever? You have no idea what might happen in the future! All the people you're gonna meet. There'll be a boy just right for you somewhere, I promise.
About your looks, well, I think I'm bad looking too, so I won't bother trying to patronise you with the "beauty in the eye of the beholder" thing. But the way I see it, if someone doesn't wanna talk to you or be your friend because of your looks, then honestly, you really don't want to be friends with them! Those who matter won't care, and those who care don't matter. Not everyone is shallow, I promise.
I'm hopeless at making friends too, but you've just got to scrutinise everyone and target the people who seem shy like you. That's what I've been doing and it's sort of working. If two shy people are too shy to talk to each other, then how are they ever going to make friends? You've got to take the plunge and speak people who seem similar to you. If they don't want to be friends, then that's their loss and you can move on.
There's been so many times in my life when I've lost the chance to be friends with people because I was too shy to say a word. Looking back, if only I'd just said something then things might have turned out so different! Honestly, you've just got pluck up some courage and grit your teeth (and imagine epic music playing in the background) and try to make yourself more approachable.
Chin up hun. Please don't give up.
- 20-04-2013 16:23
I don't really know what to say to this, but I tell you what, there's a guarantee that you're not alone. People might just be hiding it a bit or so, maybe there's someone also alone in the library? Pluck up the courage and ask to sit next to them or something, and remember, next year is a new start. Just go out there and be yourself, feel strong, put your shoulders backs and look confident. No one will know anyone else, it's a new chance to meet new people. I don't know if that's any good advice, but it's the best I can think of I should probably get back to revising too.. Ha..
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- 20-04-2013 16:34
I'm quite similar to you OP, I don't like going out into public places and my social anxiety, I agree with your settlements, my friends who do media at sixth form now go to parties all the time, hang out with the supposed cool crowd so I'm no longer friends with them, I have made some good friends in sixth form though, but outside sixth form in general day to day life I'm extremely awkward/shy/quiet. sometimes when going to places I'd think afterwards what if I asked a question or did this, or this or that, instead I just stay quiet and let stuff flow by. I'm sure at university you'll find some like-minded people as uni is where the crowds from schools outside the country and across the country merge into a select number of higher education institutes, so there's a more likely probability that somebody will be similar to you.
I don't blame you OP for feeling that way, before sixth form I literally lost the will to live playing on my computer all the time (an MMO where my only real friends were online) but since then I've settled into sixth form and enjoy it much more, though I always feel like I'm missing out on everything because of my intensive shyness and reluctance to try new things.
- 21-04-2013 17:44
Hi OP and others who are feeling the same way. I haven't been on this site in a good five years now but was randomly reflecting on my university days earlier so thought I'd come and have a look. And it's taken me ages to remember my username and password but I do feel quite strongly about what you've all said.
I felt EXACTLY the same as you all, OP in particular. I had no friends at school. I would spend break time and lunch time desperately avoiding other people, normally in the library or working on a computer. I even took an extra subject so that I had fewer free lessons. Despite this the thought of leaving school would fill me with fear and dread as I couldn't imagine ever having friends, let alone a boyfriend ever. At least in school I had my routine and I knew how to successfully avoid others!! I did not touch alcohol or attend a single party/night out throughout sixth form. I hated the thought of having to socialise with my peers. My parents were in despair as well and terrified that I would never manage to make any meaningful relationships.
In September 2007, I left home to go to university, 4 hours away. I cannot emphasise how little I wanted to go - I REALLY did not want to go. At all. The thought of the typical student lifestyle of going out every night and drinking filled me with dread. Terror even. I was convinced that I'd be the odd one out, the one who never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with anyone.
Now, as we've already discovered, there are LOADS of people like us. But sometimes there may only be one of us in a school year, in which case the unfortunate situations that we've all gone through/going through will arise. But when you leave school, you will find other people like you. I had an absolutely wonderful five years at university and would not change those years for anything. I met other people like me, as well as people who did enjoy the more typical student lifestyle of going out. In the end, they coaxed me to go out with them and I did actually start to enjoy it. Eventually (this took about a year of trying!). The key to enjoying a night out is going with people that you like. I even managed to get myself in a proper relationship for three years which was something I would not have dreamed of when in sixth form.
I've now left university and am working in a job that I love. I went out last night with my work colleagues and am now a smidge hungover, hence why I'm surfing internet sites that I've not been on in five years! I have several close friends, both from my student days and from work. I bumped into a girl from my old school year last night who was genuinely stunned at my transformation over the last six years.
I just want you all to know that things WILL change. There are so many people like us. You just haven't found each other yet! Good luck to you all, but I am sure that you won't need it. You'll all be fine. Just hang on in there.Last edited by Swyn; 21-04-2013 at 17:48.
- 21-04-2013 19:52
Hi Maid Marian,
Obviously there are already a few good replies on here and I dont know if you've read them, but I will just add my 2 cents.
I was pretty similar to you at school. I did have one or 2 friends, but 99% of people laughed at me, bullied me or at best ignored me. I was a total loner, so shy that I couldn't even LOOK at other people let alone speak to them, and I hated myself so much I couldnt look in the mirror. I was terrified of any activities at school where we'd have to be in pairs or groups cos I knew no one would want to be with me, etc. I spent many a break time HIDING IN THE LOO to avoid speaking to people or to avoid looking so awkward and retarded and feeling so left out. I was also very ugly because I had SEVERE acne, which made me SO embarrassed, ashamed and shy. I also had an eating disorder on top of that. So, all in all, it was not a good time. I didn't have a crush, but simply because I'd never even spoken to a boy!
But most of that got better. (I'm 24 now). I am still shy and get awkward around guys I like or in large groups, but I have enough friends and a boyfriend and can generally talk to people normally. My acne is better and I feel pretty ok about my looks now. And most of all, once you leave school you just realise that none of that stuff matters. You grow out of the worst of the shyness and fears about other people over time, and eventually will meet people you can get along with. I know it's hard, but leaving school and moving on will give you a new start where you can meet new people and let them see you afresh, without the bad memories and judgements from school lingering on. As for the crush - you might be able to stay friends, you seem to get along now, so why not? You obviously have stuff in common even if you can't be a couple. And besides, I know from having the kind of mad crushes where I treasure a piece of paper that person has touched for weeks (I was insane), that crushes are always delusional and you will laugh at them one day. Some people are late starters with relationships (I didnt kiss anyone until I was 19, and it really didnt cause any problems with my life!!) - everyone meets SOMEONE eventually. It's harder if you're shy and ugly, but just look around at some of the freaks who have partners and you'l see it's possible!!! (I know that sounds harsh but it is true!)
I don't know what it is about you that you think is so ugly, but 9 times out of 10 no one else cares and they are too busy thinking about their own hair and figure to even notice. Also, you can start to focus on clothes, hair, makeup, exercise etc which can make the best of your looks. Most people can look nice enough if they find the right look for them. Not everyone can be Kate Moss, you just need to make the best of what you have. Some people are quite ugly, but mostly can make themself look ok if they try, and there are other ugly people out there too who all get on ok. It's also quite possible that you don't look as bad as you think - it's a fact that we all judge ourselves as uglier than other people think.
Most things work themselves out in the end, and I'm sure your situation will too. Just look forward to moving on and plan how you can start a fresh new life with new people (some of whom might share your interests - Doctor Who is popular enough!!) and how you can create a new image for yourself. Shyness doesn't disappear instantly, but it lessens over time and you can just start off by having a few friends you chat to one on one. You can try to work on your looks and also start some new activities to give you confidence. I have no idea what your interests are, but you must have some, so try to get involved in them. Find a geeky club to join where you can meet other people who are probably also a bit 'different' and may be more your type of people who will be easier to talk to. Or find other interests that you can focus on to give confidence. I got into yoga and running which are loner interests, but they do build you up over time. Also, no matter how weird your interests are, there will be others who like them, and you can maybe find them online or join a club nearby.
Hope some of that helps, and if you want to chat about anything just get in touch with me, as I am happy to help someone in your situation!
- 21-04-2013 21:26
Okay, I can relate because up until the age of 15 I was at a school where I was first bullied and then ended up with no friends as I didn't want to be around people who would constantly tease and bully belittle me. I'd eat my lunch in the toilets. I would burst into tears at least once a day at school, and I mean often complete sobbing, and cried myself to sleep most nights. However, I slightly managed to pull myself together and keep going because I had this faith in myself. I knew I was better than them and better than that school and overall I liked myself. (Which later grew into love once I got out of that toxic environment.) You have to begin to like yourself. I know it's not easy, but start to write down the things that you do well and that you like about yourself. Start small if you want. Banish any negative thought that comes into your head in the process.
Anyway, then I moved schools, and it was utterly wonderful. I blossomed and I feel good about myself and the people around me. Change is a great thing, so don't worry about what comes after school. It's going to get better out of school, I promise. For a lot of people school is absolute hell. You're surrounded by people who are focused entirely on their own insecurities and are desperate to beat their way to the top of the food pyramid.
Outside school, people are more mature and accept people for who they are. Granted, some places may be as bad as school; it's about finding the places that aren't, which is what I'm sure you, with your humility and kindness and intelligence which can even be translated through a troubled monologue on the internet, will find them.
Okay so I identified some fundamental problems which seem to be facing you. Firstly, your complete lack of self-esteem. I don't know why it's there. Perhaps you are depressed, perhaps you suffered emotional abuse as a child? But I'm certain you have it. You're not ugly. Nobody is ugly. I wouldn't say beauty is subjective as such; I'd say it is a projection of what's within. Be kind to yourself and body. Banish negative thoughts from your head and exercise a little, get plenty of sleep and eat well. All these things make a world of difference, I swear. However, you seem to have major social anxiety disorder, and I'd strongly advise therapy to help you tackle that. Also, listen to some happy music. Try singing it and then maybe dancing to it. The endorphin kick you'll get will be immense. Once you are happy with yourself other people will accept you. I'm not conventially attractive either, but since I started loving my appearance, people have complimented my looks so much more.
Of course, looks aren't everything, but your view of appearance and your attitude towards your looks is a pretty big indication of your attitude to the rest of yourself. So what if you're not conventially pretty? There are plenty of people who aren't either -- it's a huge world -- and you're going to find plenty of people who couldn't care less about appearance once you tackle your key problem: Social anxiety due to crippling self-esteem.
Remember: This is your life, you have the control, and you can push it in the direction you choose. Stop focusing on what you were born with and focus what positive thing you can do for yourself now.
You don't have to be universally attractive, you don't have to have a raging IQ, you don't need anything apart from a bit of will and self-respect to do wonderful things and be happy.
Hope you're okay.
- Thread Starter
- 22-04-2013 19:31
-----Last edited by Maid Marian; 17-05-2014 at 18:50.
- 24-04-2013 13:42
I hope your ok?
(Original post by Maid Marian)
- 26-04-2013 00:11
I just feel like spilling my heart out here because I'm in a really bad place right now, and if anyone's got any advice or words of comfort I'd really appreciate them. [Edit. This is going to be really stupidly long. I'm sorry.]
I'm 18 years old, leaving Sixth Form in a few weeks, and I have no life at all. I merely exist. I have no real friends, I have crippling shyness, anxiety, awkwardness and self consciousness. I'm also incredibly introverted. I put all my effort into trying not to stand out, desperately avoiding attention. I don't want people looking at me and thinking badly of me.
I am so different to everybody else. I have spent the last three years at school entirely alone, no friends at all. All my breaks, lunches and frees have been spent in the library alone.
I am desperate for a friend, but I just can't make them. I am so shy that I just CANNOT speak in front of a group, which means that, for me to be comfortable enough to speak, I can only be in the company of two (max, three) other people. This has severely restrained my friendship making. Who wants to be friends with someone who is so introverted like me? I honestly think I'm a good friend, it's just I cannot be friends with people who are unlike me, it doesn't work at all.
I so badly want a companion or two. People who are like me and are loyal, dependable, don't have any other friends, have the same interests and obsessions as me. But I'll never find them, because number one, I'm too shy, and number two, they probably don't even exist.
I never go out. I have never been to a party, a pub, a restaurant, anywhere social like that. The thought terrifies me, and only make me want to sink into my blankets and put the next episode of Doctor Who on. I've never even had alcohol. I'm so ridiculously innocent like that, but in other ways I'm not innocent at all.
I am completely introverted, but at the same time, there's a bit in me that's slightly extroverted as well. I LOVE being around people that I like and who like me. But because there aren't any, I spend all my time alone.
I feel absolutely drained and tired when I'm around other people. I don't know why. Just being in social situations makes me exhausted, unless I'm with someone I really like (like the boy I love, see below).
I'm also extremely ugly. I know I know, beauty is subjective, but if you saw me you would agree. Since I was 12, I have despised my looks. I am so unconventional looking and my face is so nasty. I have done my best to shrink into the background, have nobody notice me, because I am so ashamed and embarrassed and upset by my looks. This lead to me pushing all my old friends away, because I could not bear to be in the company of others and have them thinking awful things about my looks. So there, because of my looks, I have spent my teenage years living as a hermit. A social recluse.
Anytime somebody speaks to me at school, my insides glow, because I'm amazed somebody noticed me, somebody is willing to spare a few seconds of their life talking to me.
I am deeply in love with a boy at my school, I would marry him in an instant. It makes me feel utterly and infinitely depressed that because of my looks, something I can do nothing about, he will never ever like me more than that.
I'll never be seeing him again after sixth form anyway. He does not like me enough to want to stay "friends" with me outside of school (and I embarrassed myself trying to hint to him that this was what I wanted). It hurts so much and I just feel like utter ****.
He's the nicest boy I've ever met, he's a big Doctor Who fan like me, and he's the only person in school who I can happily chat to and be myself with. I feel immensely comforted just being in his presence. He makes me feel worth something, makes me feel good about myself. He doesn't even know. He doesn't have a clue how much he means to me. He doesn't know that I spend all day hoping to see him, waiting for my classes with him. I love him so much, I would die for him in a heartbeat. But in a few weeks, it'll all be over.
I feel so outcasted by society that I don't know what to do. I do not fit in anywhere at all. More than anything else I just wish I was pretty, but obviously I won't ever be. And this means nobody will ever like me, platonically or sexually. It sounds pathetic but I am 99% sure I will be a virgin all my life. I'm too bad looking, impossibly shy and scared of people in general.
I feel like I've got the weight of a thousand worlds on my shoulders. And right now I should be revising for my exams, but I'm moping about on here instead.
And if you've read all that dreariness, then you deserve a medal.
tl;dr, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to read an essay about my life either.
- Thread Starter
- 26-04-2013 13:05
----Last edited by Maid Marian; 17-05-2014 at 18:51.
(Original post by Maid Marian)
- 26-04-2013 23:43
I wish I could say I was
Nah, I think I've accepted now that he doesn't like me and he never would. I'd only be humiliating myself if I told him now. It's completely delusional of me to imagine that any boy could ever possibly like me. Even if they didn't mind my looks, I am too shy to say anything to anyone. That's a major turn off for all boys right there.