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    #1

    Been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Some background to my insecurities - for the first year of our relationship, he constantly talked about his ex and flirted with other girls, he didn't make me feel attractive, there's even a post on TSR he wrote 6 months into our relationship talking about the type of girl he was looking for. I told him about everything after that year, and he's apologised (I know he thinks he's done nothing wrong with the flirting) but I don't believe him, I'm scared to believe he's actually sorry.

    Everytime he says he loves me it feels like I lie. It feels like he isn't attracted to me or that he favours me amongst all other girls. I feel so stupid and beneath him and I feel horrible. He has really been trying to be better but it doesn't ever seem enough for me, because I'm too scared to accept he loves me. He doesn't really call me pretty or anything like that unless I compliment him first, but mostly he doesn't even do that anymore.

    We keep fighting about this, because I feel so insecure 3 years on. I've been asking him all week what I need to do to change so he'll love me and want me again, and so I can compete against all these other girls I feel like he wants. He says he wants me but I can't believe him. He always shows different. He never tells me why he loves me or compliments me about anything, for the past year I've been trying to show as much affection as possible to him and I tell him all the time how good looking and lovely I think he is but nothing for me. He assumes I should take "I love you" and "I want you" as a given, but he said those things in the first year of our relationship when he was talking about his ex and flirting/touching other girls.

    We have an age gap, I'm 19 and he is 25. He is very experienced and he used to rub it in my face. He is my first proper boyfriend and he took my virginity (he even took the piss out of me after he did). He knows how insecure he's made me but does nothing to help. I know it's all my fault and I'm a stupid, ugly mess who doesn't deserve anyone but I'm trying so hard to be what he wants and it's not enough.

    I am so insecure, please someone help me, I can't stop crying about this all the time. How am I supposed to believe he loves me? I don't know how to do this
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    Paragraph 1 - He is a ********
    Paragraph 2 - You are being a bit over the top but it's because of the way he has treated you.
    Paragraph 3 - He probably wouldn't still be with you after 3 years if he didn't actually like you. Unless he really is banging other girls to put up with it.... Sad but true... Again, you probably have some reason for this.
    Paragraph 4 - You are starting to beg it there a little bit.
    Paragraph 5 - Do something about it...
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    I think you should dump him (it doesn't sound like he treats you particularly well) and work on becoming a more secure, happy, independent person for a while.
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    But what practical things can I do to be happy and secure again, and be attractive to him as well? I ask him all the time, what do you want me to be and what do you want me to look like, and he never gives me an answer. So what do I do?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But what practical things can I do to be happy and secure again, and be attractive to him as well? I ask him all the time, what do you want me to be and what do you want me to look like, and he never gives me an answer. So what do I do?
    You need to get comfortable in your own skin & not worry about his opinion. From what I read it doesn't sound like he treats you well at all so I would really think about dumping him.
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    But how can I practically get over being so insecure? Even if I leave him they will still stay
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But how can I practically get over being so insecure? Even if I leave him they will still stay
    This might not work for everyone but I'm often insecure or feel bad about myself and I find that making lists of things helps.

    I make lists of all the good things about myself and what I have to offer to show that I am worth something and that I deserve to be treated well.

    He doesn't sound particularly good for you if nothing has changed in three years after you've spoken to him about it, to be honest.

    You are worth something and you do deserve to be treated well.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Some background to my insecurities - for the first year of our relationship, he constantly talked about his ex and flirted with other girls, he didn't make me feel attractive, there's even a post on TSR he wrote 6 months into our relationship talking about the type of girl he was looking for. I told him about everything after that year, and he's apologised (I know he thinks he's done nothing wrong with the flirting) but I don't believe him, I'm scared to believe he's actually sorry.

    Everytime he says he loves me it feels like I lie. It feels like he isn't attracted to me or that he favours me amongst all other girls. I feel so stupid and beneath him and I feel horrible. He has really been trying to be better but it doesn't ever seem enough for me, because I'm too scared to accept he loves me. He doesn't really call me pretty or anything like that unless I compliment him first, but mostly he doesn't even do that anymore.

    We keep fighting about this, because I feel so insecure 3 years on. I've been asking him all week what I need to do to change so he'll love me and want me again, and so I can compete against all these other girls I feel like he wants. He says he wants me but I can't believe him. He always shows different. He never tells me why he loves me or compliments me about anything, for the past year I've been trying to show as much affection as possible to him and I tell him all the time how good looking and lovely I think he is but nothing for me. He assumes I should take "I love you" and "I want you" as a given, but he said those things in the first year of our relationship when he was talking about his ex and flirting/touching other girls.

    We have an age gap, I'm 19 and he is 25. He is very experienced and he used to rub it in my face. He is my first proper boyfriend and he took my virginity (he even took the piss out of me after he did). He knows how insecure he's made me but does nothing to help. I know it's all my fault and I'm a stupid, ugly mess who doesn't deserve anyone but I'm trying so hard to be what he wants and it's not enough.

    I am so insecure, please someone help me, I can't stop crying about this all the time. How am I supposed to believe he loves me? I don't know how to do this
    In my opinion i don't think the relationship will last. I think you should break up now rather than later.
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    You seriously need to work on yourself above anything else right now - learn to like yourself, and give yourself the self respect that you deserve. What do *you* want to be? What do you want to do with your life, who do you want to become? Focus on those things, not what some guy wants from you. Begging him to tell you how you can be better for him? That's not good, for either of you.

    I think the relationship sounds pretty toxic and you'd both be better off out of it. He sounds like a bit of a ****, as well.
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    (Original post by carlaraptor)
    You seriously need to work on yourself above anything else right now - learn to like yourself, and give yourself the self respect that you deserve. What do *you* want to be? What do you want to do with your life, who do you want to become? Focus on those things, not what some guy wants from you. Begging him to tell you how you can be better for him? That's not good, for either of you.

    I think the relationship sounds pretty toxic and you'd both be better off out of it. He sounds like a bit of a ****, as well.
    I don't like myself though, I've never liked myself

    I've ruined everything haven't I. I'm so stupid.
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    I am surprised you got with him in the first place, he sounds pretty mean and hasn't help you to feel better at all with some of the things he says.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    I am surprised you got with him in the first place, he sounds pretty mean and hasn't help you to feel better at all with some of the things he says.
    But it's all my fault though. Because I'm a joke. He wouldn't have done this if I was prettier.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But it's all my fault though. Because I'm a joke. He wouldn't have done this if I was prettier.
    Rubbish, he is just being really horrible to you, pathetic excuse of a guy to be honest to attempt to rub your face into it, he needs to grow up.
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    None of this is your fault. He has no excuse to act that way towards you. I know it's not easy to have a great opinion of yourself sometimes... I struggled with self hatred a lot when I was younger. But it doesn't have to be that way - if it's really getting you down, you could always speak to someone, maybe?

    I bet you're ten times prettier than you think you are.
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    In short, when someone think's you're not attracted to them and then proceeds to ask "help me change, x so I can be attractive" it just makes their insecurities look bigger and them more unattractive. The best thing for you to do is to take an active interest in your own life and realise your insecurities cannot be solved by outside people. Don't compare yourself to others, don't try and predict or monitor your bfs behavior. Accept the fact that no matter who someone is, they have to tow the line freely or not at all and you cant make them do something.

    The flirting is bad though... The people who think flirting is nothing are deluding themselves...

    I would say, approach it with him carefully, talk about it, if he seems not empathetic and quite cold. Get rid of him.

    Work on yourself for a while and fix yourself emotionally. Then go into a relationship guns blazing knowing you're okay.
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    Another thing...

    I don't know whether this means anything to you or not, but...

    You do have quite the age gap, how did you two meet, what common interests do you have? Etc...

    You should explore the possibility you got with him even though he didn't show you much real kindness just because you wanted that love and validity.
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    Do you have your own interests that you persue? Any particular ambitions? As soon as you start focusing on yourself and building your self esteem, you'll likely feel much better and possibly see the situation differently. Don't waste your life worrying about what he thinks of you - if you're in the right relationship, you shouldn't need to worry so much. I know some of it is down to your own insecurities but it really doesn't sound like he's helping. *hug*
 
 
 
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