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Why do so many religious guys hate sexual women?

I'm Christian and would like to date a fellow Christian guy if possible, but one thing I can't get my head around is how much they seem to dislike women who are even remotely sexual. I'm not at all immoral and am a really nice person and go to church often, but whenever I even talk to my religious guy friends about doing something tiny (like when I joke about getting off with a guy in a club the night before), or they see me on a night out in a tiny outfit, or flirting with one of my other guy friends, they're really judgmental, and it makes me feel awful about just acting like most girls do.

It's not just about me either - they've voiced a dislike of everything from dirty song lyrics (which I find amusing) to provocative adverts to girls "being too friendly" even if they're not actively flirty. I'm not sure if they're being hypocritical or are just really sexually strict and expect girls to be like that too. Obviously I understand some guys who aren't religious are also like that.

Am I setting myself up for failure by dating religious guys? I was brought up in a very strict household and wasn't even allowed to have a boyfriend, so I'm hardly a slag but I'm not letting any guy restrain my sexuality. I wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't even comfortable with some heavy kissing and petting, or couldn't accept the fact I like to dress in a certain way on nights out.

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As a Christian guy, I'd be uncomfortable with your stories about getting off with a guy in a club - this is a stranger, yes? It's not that I'm "uncomfortable with some heavy kissing and petting", it's that it's happening with a stranger, not a boyfriend you know well and have a relationship with.

I'd have less of a problem with you wearing a tiny outfit, but God tells us to dress modestly. As for the rest I don't think I'd have any problem with it as you've described it - your Christian friends sound very strict, but the point is that as a Christian you shouldn't be "acting like most girls do". You should be acting in accordance with the teachings in the bible.
What I have noticed is that it varies between people, from being super strict to super laid back. I guess it just depends how they have been brought up. Some are so strict that they do not even understand simple sarcasm, as you pointed out. I have been in an environment like this, if you have a relationship, the most you are "allowed" to do is hold hands, which is just silly.

I don't think you are setting yourself up for failure, there are religious guys out there who are quite liberal and respect the girl for who they are :wink: Like with any relationship, you just have to find them.

If you were single, I personally would be comfortable with you getting off with someone. Of course if you have a boyfriend, then that changes everything. Everyone has their own forms of flirting, I think the main question is your intentions.
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 3
Original post by Rob da Mop
As a Christian guy, I'd be uncomfortable with your stories about getting off with a guy in a club - this is a stranger, yes? It's not that I'm "uncomfortable with some heavy kissing and petting", it's that it's happening with a stranger, not a boyfriend you know well and have a relationship with.

I'd have less of a problem with you wearing a tiny outfit, but God tells us to dress modestly. As for the rest I don't think I'd have any problem with it as you've described it - your Christian friends sound very strict, but the point is that as a Christian you shouldn't be "acting like most girls do". You should be acting in accordance with the teachings in the bible.


Thanks for your reply. What's so wrong with getting off with strangers in clubs, though, provided you're single? Like I said I'm generally a very moral person and volunteer at church etc. - I just don't see what's so bad about this provided you make sure you're safe. I've never gone back to the guy's place, at most I've given them my number and actually ended up dating a few.

Also, re: the heavy kissing and petting thing, I meant even with people you're in a relationship with. I'm more touchy-feely with a lot of my guy friends than some of the Christian guys I see are with their girlfriends, which confuses me. They clearly have great relationships and love each other but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands. :confused:
Reply 4
Some people think that they have the right to police other people's behaviour based upon their own opinions. When it comes to blokes who are intimidated/disgusted by sexual women, I think it's often just a case that they have a set of (unrealistic and unfair) standards that they expect women to adhere to. If you don't fit in their description of a pure woman, then you're a slut/whore/tempress/whatever else you want to call it.

Just go for guys who let you be yourself rather than ones who want to control your actions, at the end of the day. There will always be people who judge you for whatever reason, it shouldn't mean that you have to change your behaviour if you're doing nothing wrong and not hurting anybody - it's their problem, not yours!
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for your reply. What's so wrong with getting off with strangers in clubs, though, provided you're single? Like I said I'm generally a very moral person and volunteer at church etc. - I just don't see what's so bad about this provided you make sure you're safe. I've never gone back to the guy's place, at most I've given them my number and actually ended up dating a few.


It's just... not very traditionally Christian? I can't find you a specific "Thou shalt not get with randomers, even if they bought you a double vodka coke" quote from the bible, but there are numerous general warnings against adultery and sexual immorality. Much like parts of the bible that people interpret not to be taken literally, you have to understand the spirit of these passages. They're instructing us to save our love for our partners. It's not a case of anything up to sex is fine - save yourself for the person you love.

Also, re: the heavy kissing and petting thing, I meant even with people you're in a relationship with. I'm more touchy-feely with a lot of my guy friends than some of the Christian guys I see are with their girlfriends, which confuses me. They clearly have great relationships and love each other but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands. :confused:


I know people like this, and I can understand where they're coming from, but I wouldn't interpret the bible that strictly. However, some people clearly do - if you don't then just don't date those guys? Plenty of Christians who do want some form of physical relationship before marriage.
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for your reply. What's so wrong with getting off with strangers in clubs, though, provided you're single? Like I said I'm generally a very moral person and volunteer at church etc. - I just don't see what's so bad about this provided you make sure you're safe. I've never gone back to the guy's place, at most I've given them my number and actually ended up dating a few.

Also, re: the heavy kissing and petting thing, I meant even with people you're in a relationship with. I'm more touchy-feely with a lot of my guy friends than some of the Christian guys I see are with their girlfriends, which confuses me. They clearly have great relationships and love each other but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands. :confused:


"but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands."

Why? I am just curious.
Reply 7
Original post by edithwashere
Some people think that they have the right to police other people's behaviour based upon their own opinions. When it comes to blokes who are intimidated/disgusted by sexual women, I think it's often just a case that they have a set of (unrealistic and unfair) standards that they expect women to adhere to. If you don't fit in their description of a pure woman, then you're a slut/whore/tempress/whatever else you want to call it.

Just go for guys who let you be yourself rather than ones who want to control your actions, at the end of the day. There will always be people who judge you for whatever reason, it shouldn't mean that you have to change your behaviour if you're doing nothing wrong and not hurting anybody - it's their problem, not yours!


Great advice, thanks! :smile: I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for treatment like this by dating Christian guys, though.

"but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands."

Why? I am just curious.


Most people couldn't. We all have sexual needs, and surely the last person stopping you from getting those fulfilled should be the person you're dating?
Reply 8
Gray Wolf
"but I couldn't be someone who didn't want to go any further than hugging and holding hands."

Why? I am just curious.


Most people couldn't. We all have sexual needs, and surely the last person stopping you from getting those fulfilled should be the person you're dating?

What is your viewpoint on the matter? (Genuinely curious :smile:)
Reply 9
Original post by Rob da Mop
It's just... not very traditionally Christian? I can't find you a specific "Thou shalt not get with randomers, even if they bought you a double vodka coke" quote from the bible, but there are numerous general warnings against adultery and sexual immorality. Much like parts of the bible that people interpret not to be taken literally, you have to understand the spirit of these passages. They're instructing us to save our love for our partners. It's not a case of anything up to sex is fine - save yourself for the person you love.

I know people like this, and I can understand where they're coming from, but I wouldn't interpret the bible that strictly. However, some people clearly do - if you don't then just don't date those guys? Plenty of Christians who do want some form of physical relationship before marriage.


If it's "save yourself for the person you love," though, then surely you shouldn't even kiss your boyfriend or make out with them in a sexual manner, because that's feeling lust for someone you're not married to?

Sorry for the explicit question but what does "some form of physical relationship" usually involve/not go past? I'm not sure if I'd be compatible for most Christian guys for this reason.
Reply 10
Original post by Anonymous
Great advice, thanks! :smile: I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for treatment like this by dating Christian guys, though.



Most people couldn't. We all have sexual needs, and surely the last person stopping you from getting those fulfilled should be the person you're dating?


I see, but I will have to disagree. I believe ones emotional desires should be prioritised over sexual ones. Allow me to elaborate. During infatuation our brain releases a whole bunch of chemicals these chemicals can persist for 1 to 2 years, hence why after they go away quite few relationships break up. In essence the brain is drugged and one doesn't notice the emotional baselessness of the relationship.

When you introduce intimacy in to the equation you essentially get even more drugged up. Of course when this wears off you notice that the person next to you is not who you taught them to be. Hence why quite a few marriages break up in the early years.

These things can hide the lack of emotional compatibility needed for any long lasting relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
Great advice, thanks! :smile: I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for treatment like this by dating Christian guys, though.


I wouldn't necessarily say that as some Christians are strict while some are liberal.

Just because your friends sound quite strict, don't let that put you off from dating Christian guys. After all, they are just a small percentage of everyone out there.
Reply 12
Original post by Anonymous
I'm Christian and would like to date a fellow Christian guy if possible, but one thing I can't get my head around is how much they seem to dislike women who are even remotely sexual. I'm not at all immoral and am a really nice person and go to church often, but whenever I even talk to my religious guy friends about doing something tiny (like when I joke about getting off with a guy in a club the night before), or they see me on a night out in a tiny outfit, or flirting with one of my other guy friends, they're really judgmental, and it makes me feel awful about just acting like most girls do.

It's not just about me either - they've voiced a dislike of everything from dirty song lyrics (which I find amusing) to provocative adverts to girls "being too friendly" even if they're not actively flirty. I'm not sure if they're being hypocritical or are just really sexually strict and expect girls to be like that too. Obviously I understand some guys who aren't religious are also like that.

Am I setting myself up for failure by dating religious guys? I was brought up in a very strict household and wasn't even allowed to have a boyfriend, so I'm hardly a slag but I'm not letting any guy restrain my sexuality. I wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't even comfortable with some heavy kissing and petting, or couldn't accept the fact I like to dress in a certain way on nights out.


Probably some kind of envy for having repressed those desires.

Also the way you call people who are even more sexual than yourself 'slags' or 'immoral' is a bit hypocritical when your yourself are complaining about those less sexual than you judging you. I fail to see how 'religious guys' hating your sexuality is so different from you judging other girls for their sexuality.
Original post by Anonymous
Great advice, thanks! :smile: I'm starting to wonder if I'm asking for treatment like this by dating Christian guys, though.


I'm not a Christian, and as far as I know I've not dated any Christian guys - if I have, they've kept it quiet. However, heres a little anecdote for you:

Back in freshers, one of my flatmates (lets call her B) was getting on real well with a guy on her course, who was in the same block as us (we'll call him P). B and P got on really well, both big drinkers, went out on the town one night and fell into bed together afterwards. This happened at my flat, so I know it was consensual on both parts. However, the morning after, P started a big barney in the kitchen with B because apparently he was Christian, and she was a foul temptress who had led him into sin. He said that it should never have happened because he was a good Christian, and she had led him off the path of righteousness. B, being quite a quiet and mousy girl, was quite upset, she'd really liked him and up until then he'd never mentioned his faith to any of us. A week later, the same thing happened; they slept together, P clearly regretted it afterwards, so he called B a whore who had tempted him and stormed off. I was with them both at the pub and in the flat (although not around for the sexy times obviously) and she was being only as tempting as him, if not less so - he was making the moves, it was just that he regretted it in the morning so wanted to blame her for his mistake.

I'm of course not suggesting this is commonplace, but I thought it was very hypocritical of P to behave this way, even though alcohol was involved he was so unkind to B and it was clearly consensual. He used his faith as an excuse, which I think is just awful really.

Christian guys are the same as any other guys - you get good ones, bad ones, funny ones, clever ones, tall ones, short ones... their faith is not what defines them. My advice would be to go for a guy who you get on with, share common values with - if he's not Christian, so what? My aunt is Jewish and my uncle is Muslim, that didn't stop them from having a lovely happy marriage! It's far better to be with somebody who loves you and makes you happy, than somebody who you've only gone for on the basis of religion.
Original post by Anonymous
If it's "save yourself for the person you love," though, then surely you shouldn't even kiss your boyfriend or make out with them in a sexual manner, because that's feeling lust for someone you're not married to?

Sorry for the explicit question but what does "some form of physical relationship" usually involve/not go past? I'm not sure if I'd be compatible for most Christian guys for this reason.


It's a case of interpretation - the people you're talking about, who will barely hold hands with their girlfriends, do choose to see it that way. I, on the other hand, see it as one of those times that the bible isn't compatible with the modern world. A marriage in the context of the bible would be very near the start of a relationship, following people meeting and becoming friends, or family arranging it. I'm in a 3+ year relationship - it doesn't really fit with that. I sometimes question my interpretation, but it's a bit late now...

How far he will go before marriage will depend on the guy, but there will be a full range - from those who will only want to hug, through to those happy to have sex. I'm not going to judge what the right point is.
Reply 15
Original post by Sum Gai
You sound very hypocritical and misinformed.

If you read the bible and follow your religion properly then you won't be asking these questions and will understand why. Or you can just denounce your faith and get on with your life.
But i suggest you do the first thing i mentioned/


You may not remember, but we had this argument before on another thread. We agreed to disagree then - why are you preaching this at me again?

Anyway, I'm not getting into another argument as to whether the way I act conforms to the way someone else perceives my religion or not, so let's keep the thread on topic. :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
You may not remember, but we had this argument before on another thread. We agreed to disagree then - why are you preaching this at me again?

Anyway, I'm not getting into another argument as to whether the way I act conforms to the way someone else perceives my religion or not, so let's keep the thread on topic. :smile:


I remember, but you're anonymous so i have no idea who you are.

All i'm saying is don't say your Christian and then act according to non Christian ways. Just say you're not Christian if you don't want to follow the bible. Then that way none of this will bother you as it won't matter anymore.

I agree with the second paragraph in post 2. He puts it nicely.
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 17
Original post by edithwashere
I'm not a Christian, and as far as I know I've not dated any Christian guys - if I have, they've kept it quiet. However, heres a little anecdote for you:

Back in freshers, one of my flatmates (lets call her B) was getting on real well with a guy on her course, who was in the same block as us (we'll call him P). B and P got on really well, both big drinkers, went out on the town one night and fell into bed together afterwards. This happened at my flat, so I know it was consensual on both parts. However, the morning after, P started a big barney in the kitchen with B because apparently he was Christian, and she was a foul temptress who had led him into sin. He said that it should never have happened because he was a good Christian, and she had led him off the path of righteousness. B, being quite a quiet and mousy girl, was quite upset, she'd really liked him and up until then he'd never mentioned his faith to any of us. A week later, the same thing happened; they slept together, P clearly regretted it afterwards, so he called B a whore who had tempted him and stormed off. I was with them both at the pub and in the flat (although not around for the sexy times obviously) and she was being only as tempting as him, if not less so - he was making the moves, it was just that he regretted it in the morning so wanted to blame her for his mistake.

I'm of course not suggesting this is commonplace, but I thought it was very hypocritical of P to behave this way, even though alcohol was involved he was so unkind to B and it was clearly consensual. He used his faith as an excuse, which I think is just awful really.

Christian guys are the same as any other guys - you get good ones, bad ones, funny ones, clever ones, tall ones, short ones... their faith is not what defines them. My advice would be to go for a guy who you get on with, share common values with - if he's not Christian, so what? My aunt is Jewish and my uncle is Muslim, that didn't stop them from having a lovely happy marriage! It's far better to be with somebody who loves you and makes you happy, than somebody who you've only gone for on the basis of religion.


I think I might start to do that, thanks :smile:. Horrible story about your friend btw, this is another problem I often have with religious guys - you can hear them clearly objectifying famous actresses etc. and talking about them sexually ("nice legs") et. but apparently it's wrong for "real-life" women to express their sexuality?
because religion teaches that sex is dirty and shameful.
Reply 19
I'm a Christian, and I just don't believe Jesus cares that much about my sex life.

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