I get jealous of other girls - how do I stop?

.............and learn to love myself?

I am naturally insecure, did not grow up in a very loving family and my last 2 boyfriends treated me like dirt. As a consequence I always feel that I am inferior to other girls and automatically see them as competition even when I don't know them. I compare myself in every way I can, looks, sense of humour, intellect, sense of dress, style of speaking......I don't have a strong sense of identity and my ex used to say things like "I love tattoos on a girl, makes her instantly seem so adventurous and sexual" (I didn't have a tattoo) or "Katy Perry is so beautiful, just my type" - this boy I idolised, he had everything I wanted in a man but I don't think I was the girl of his dreams ...also he was a natural flirt and would be so charming towards other girls which made me feel rubbish.......anyway I am ranting now......point is I need help in getting over this problem......any advice? :frown:

Reply 1

mrcoolcoolcool

Original post by Anonymous

.............and learn to love myself?

I am naturally insecure, did not grow up in a very loving family and my last 2 boyfriends treated me like dirt. As a consequence I always feel that I am inferior to other girls and automatically see them as competition even when I don't know them. I compare myself in every way I can, looks, sense of humour, intellect, sense of dress, style of speaking......I don't have a strong sense of identity and my ex used to say things like "I love tattoos on a girl, makes her instantly seem so adventurous and sexual" (I didn't have a tattoo) or "Katy Perry is so beautiful, just my type" - this boy I idolised, he had everything I wanted in a man but I don't think I was the girl of his dreams ...also he was a natural flirt and would be so charming towards other girls which made me feel rubbish.......anyway I am ranting now......point is I need help in getting over this problem......any advice? :frown:

Well what exactly don't you like about yourself? Message me if you don't wanna say here. Loving yourself takes quite a while though.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by mrcoolcoolcool

Well what exactly don't you like about yourself? Message me if you don't wanna say here. Loving yourself takes quite a while though.

I hate that fact that I feel inferior to everyone with no real reason. I just lack in self confidence but it is not due to a particular reason, I just don't know why. I am very self conscious.

Reply 3

mrcoolcoolcool

Original post by Anonymous

I hate that fact that I feel inferior to everyone with no real reason. I just lack in self confidence but it is not due to a particular reason, I just don't know why. I am very self conscious.

Does it cause you to be needy?

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

.............and learn to love myself?

I am naturally insecure, did not grow up in a very loving family and my last 2 boyfriends treated me like dirt. As a consequence I always feel that I am inferior to other girls and automatically see them as competition even when I don't know them. I compare myself in every way I can, looks, sense of humour, intellect, sense of dress, style of speaking......I don't have a strong sense of identity and my ex used to say things like "I love tattoos on a girl, makes her instantly seem so adventurous and sexual" (I didn't have a tattoo) or "Katy Perry is so beautiful, just my type" - this boy I idolised, he had everything I wanted in a man but I don't think I was the girl of his dreams ...also he was a natural flirt and would be so charming towards other girls which made me feel rubbish.......anyway I am ranting now......point is I need help in getting over this problem......any advice? :frown:

There is no easy answer to your question - I've been tackling low self-esteem for years and all I can tell you is that you need to take tiny baby steps and realise that it will take time to get better.

First of all... I can completely sympathise with you - I know it feels like crap to feel inferior to other girls. A lot of people view self-esteem as vanity - "Uh, there's more important things to worry about than what you look like, get over it" - others get frustrated when you seemingly brush off their compliments and remain unable to see yourself as anything but hideous. They don't realise the reality - step out the door and straight away, you see someone and the first thought is - an unwanted one - which immediately points out how much better they are than you. "God, she's so pretty. Hahahaha you actually thought you looked nice this morning, wrong. She looks nice. Wish I looked like her." etc etc etc. And there's this little running commentary in your head aaaaaaaall day long and it's so bloody horrible.

:sad:

So yeah - I know it sucks!
:console:

But the good news is, that you can genuinely take steps to make it better. My best advice is to smile, and surround yourself with people that make you happy, who also like being around you. I'm saying this because I've found that my insecurities have gotten a LOT better since I came to uni and found a lovely group of friends. Obviously, I still have bad days, and moments where I just HATE what I see in the mirror, but I can honestly say that I am able to pick out things I like about myself - before, this would have been inconceivable, I would have said with 100% honesty that I hated everything about myself. Now, that's not true.

So basically - I know how hard it is, but trust me, you CAN begin to take little baby steps to change this. Do whatever you can to boost your self-esteem and surround yourself with positive people - this is what has worked for me.

I hope this helps.

x

Reply 5

carlaraptor

9

Original post by Anonymous

.............and learn to love myself?

I am naturally insecure, did not grow up in a very loving family and my last 2 boyfriends treated me like dirt. As a consequence I always feel that I am inferior to other girls and automatically see them as competition even when I don't know them. I compare myself in every way I can, looks, sense of humour, intellect, sense of dress, style of speaking......I don't have a strong sense of identity and my ex used to say things like "I love tattoos on a girl, makes her instantly seem so adventurous and sexual" (I didn't have a tattoo) or "Katy Perry is so beautiful, just my type" - this boy I idolised, he had everything I wanted in a man but I don't think I was the girl of his dreams ...also he was a natural flirt and would be so charming towards other girls which made me feel rubbish.......anyway I am ranting now......point is I need help in getting over this problem......any advice? :frown:

I really feel for you, OP. In the past, I've compared myself to other girls (famous or not) and made myself feel really bad/not good enough. I do, however, have mental health issues (BPD, anxiety) in the background that probably exacerbate this. I still do it to some degree - and the best way to get around it is to change your thought patterns. It's not easy and it takes time, but you have to try to catch yourself when you start to do it, and stop. When you start to compare, tell yourself NO, and start thinking about how good you are.

Do you have a boyfriend at the moment? My boyfriend knows that I can sometimes have issues with self esteem, so he is sensitive towards my feelings when it comes to stuff like that. It sounds like the guys you've been with haven't been so sensitive?

We all say flippant things about celebrities - in the past, I've said that so-and-so would be the perfect man - but it doesn't mean that the person prefers them over you. It's just a bunch of aesthetics that don't mean anything.

The best advice I can give you is to do your best to surround yourself in positivity. I very rarely look at most women's magazines because I find them to be quite damaging to self esteem (for example, Heat magazine - lose weight, put on weight, blah blah blah, boring), but I do use Tumblr and follow a *lot* of body-positive blogs. They post pictures and messages to encourage you to love yourself/your body and the more you work on loving yourself, the less you compare yourself to other people.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

thank you so much for your kind posts.

Reply 7

Caits7

9

I really know what you mean here...
I was fine with confidence until I started going out with my boyfriend of two years, he's the first person I've loved like that and I want to be his perfect girl, I know it should really be the other way round confidence-wise, I think I just have more to lose now.
As for how to get your confidence up, it might sound silly, but laugh loads! Even if you have to force laughter or smiling, it releases endorphins which make you feel better. Also, do you do any sports? If not, it might be an idea. Firstly, it can really tone up your body and it also makes you feel great after a long workout or session. Does the job for me XD
Also, aim to try and see something good about yourself every day. Your last two boyfriends clearly didn't help with this, but high chances are, you have several particularly nice things about you, I've never met you so I wouldn't know, but you might have a lovely smile, you might have nice eyes, might even be something as simple as you're a friendly person. Try and see yourself positively!
Being critical of yourself can be such a slippery slope.
Also, remember that these girls you're seeing out and about will almost certainly have hang-ups of their own, and plenty of them too. There are very few people out there who think they're perfect.
Good luck! ^_^

Reply 8

nails9999

2

Original post by Anonymous

.............and learn to love myself?

I am naturally insecure, did not grow up in a very loving family and my last 2 boyfriends treated me like dirt. As a consequence I always feel that I am inferior to other girls and automatically see them as competition even when I don't know them. I compare myself in every way I can, looks, sense of humour, intellect, sense of dress, style of speaking......I don't have a strong sense of identity and my ex used to say things like "I love tattoos on a girl, makes her instantly seem so adventurous and sexual" (I didn't have a tattoo) or "Katy Perry is so beautiful, just my type" - this boy I idolised, he had everything I wanted in a man but I don't think I was the girl of his dreams ...also he was a natural flirt and would be so charming towards other girls which made me feel rubbish.......anyway I am ranting now......point is I need help in getting over this problem......any advice? :frown:

Confidence doesn't just come overnight from reading some sort of wise quote, it comes from pushing yourself - so get yourself out there and try new things and meet new people :smile:

E.g. Join new clubs, do more things with your friends, get a more sociable job, book a holiday! Do things you wouldn't normally do and eventually your confidence will naturally build as a result

I get jealous of other girls - how do I stop?

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