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Can't seem to hold down a job

I'm really at the end of my tether.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, particularly around people. I feel like this is holding me back in having a career or professional life, as well as in my personal life. All I seem to be able to get is temp jobs, the permanent jobs I get always end up messed up and they always seem to only last around 3 months. In my last job, I had a probationary period of 3 months and I got let go at the end of it despite being assured that they never let people go, they just extend it if needs be. I was told that I wasn't good enough with the customers when I got loads of compliments from customers saying I was a really nice person and helpful; I was told that I would "never be good enough for the job". I also explained about my mental health issues when my boss was criticising me a lot, he basically shrugged and ignored it (in fact, it felt after I told him this like he was being even more critical on purpose to try and 'test' me). There was also another member of staff who kept picking and criticising me - she had been off sick for a while then came back about a month before they finished me.

I know it's a boss's job to criticise and tell you that you are doing things wrong so that you can improve, but it really exacerbates my anxiety so I make more mistakes, then I get criticised even more. It's a vicious circle. I really hate myself because I can't keep a job and I'm letting my partner down (we live together and he's currently the only one working so that isn't fair on him). I'm constantly between jobs and we want to get married and move away from here and we can't either because of ME and the fact that I'm a failure and a freak. I've had counselling before and it helped me a bit but I feel like I'm back to square one YET AGAIN.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not good at anything. :frown:

Bump.

Don't be like that! Have you talked to your partner about how you feel?

Everyone goes through times in their lives where they just want to give up, don't, you will find a job, you will be happy, think positively.

Have you gone to college or uni and know what you want to have as a career?

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

My partner knows how I feel. I went to University three times and had to drop out each time because of my mental health issues. In the past five years I've had about ten jobs which is stupid. I honestly don't know what to do for a career anymore because I don't seem to be good at anything. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like I should have my life together by now - most people my age are married with kids, got their own house, a car, a degree and I have none of these things. I feel wholly inadequate and like a freak. I can't relate to normal people - they just say I'm a big "know-it-all" but I'm too thick when I'm around other students and stuff.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Anyone else have any advice for me? :frown:

Reply 5

SummitOfReason

Hi there Anonymous poster :smile:

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this helpless about things, for what sounds like a very long time. It sounds like all this must have been very difficult and trying for you and it is admirable that even after your negative experiences with mental health issues, and with a critical employer, you are still determined to change things for the better.

I sense that there is a seed of determination in you that perhaps hasn't been able to grow because of the health issues, but it's still there. As someone who knows how horrible anxiety and depression can be, and how helpless you can feel, I do empathise but I also do promise you that things can change with efforts, bit by bit, step by step. Things do get better so just try to hang on in there and stay optimistic; hang onto that little seed of determination :smile:

Original post by Anonymous

Ok I'm understanding what you're saying. As someone whose personally overcome a lot of social anxiety issues myself, and held myself back from situations due to it, and also witnessed close family members do this, I can honestly say that the holding yourself back, the withdrawing, the hiding away, seems to only make matters worse. It really does. I know that throwing yourself in there can feel like the hardest thing in the world but really like all things, it comes down to practice and experience. Personally I always feel like there are two kinds of confidences in the world... like the sort where people just naturally feel confident, naturally in their element (some lucky people do have this) but there is another type of confidence that people really only get from experience. For me, I have had to rely a lot on the confidence from experience thing, e.g. With exam anxiety, I will never really be confident in a subject unless I have done like a million past paper questions so I have a lot of experience and feel calm and collected with the exam format. Then if I go into a mock and I get an A, then I feel like I have something to base my confidence on for the actua exam, if you know what I mean. I don't think I am one of those people where I could just naturally feel clever and confident and prepared... I have to do work to feel prepared and ready for an exam, and that's where I get the confidence to perform. Equally, with social anxiety, another example i in the past I had real trouble throwing myself in social situations, for some very valid reasons, I just coouldn't do it, I would always avoid social situations and hide. I would be very avoidant, hide in the toilets, silly as it sounds. I can totally empathise with that not being able to cope, wanting to withdraw. However over time, I was lucky enough to find some friends who even though I tried to push them away, they still wanted to be friends. The fact that I was then friends with them for a few years and I couldn't escape their friendship(!), and the fact that they said they were friends with me because they genuinely liked me, not because they felt sorry for me or any other crazy ideas in my head, that all made me more confident. It made me feel like other people might also like me. And then, it's like even though it feels like so so so hard at first, eventually you say 'what the hell' and you throw yourself into a new social situation. And if that goes to plan, you can take another risk. And another and another, and eventually you find your place. What I'm saying is with anxiety it really does come down to throwing yourself into situations... you know? Like forcing yourself. And seeing that actually it's alright. Sometimes you get knocked down, sometimes you feel helpless again but you somehow keep trying... and when you feel loved and wanted by other people, when you feel you can express your opinions more freely, that's where you draw your confidence from. It's a bit like getting lots of questions right on past papers and feeling more confident about the exam... And of course, there will always be some people you don't get along with, some people who just aren't for you, but that's just life. It's a bit like there's always gonna be a question that you can't get it, or a subject that just isn't for you, you know... you can't help that. But it's cool when you can do your own subject, you've got your own thing that's personal to you. And it's cool when you've got your own people that are personal to you. At that point it doesn't matter about the questions you can't get... or the people you can't get! I guess what I'm trying to say here is that for success in situations that make you anxious, nothing beats practice and preparation.

One thing I want to know is do you have any ideas of where your social anxiety stemmed from? Maybe you were bullied or socially isolated for a while? You may find some self help books such as Gillian Butler's 'guide on social anxiety and shyness' or Dr Lillian Glass's 'Confident Conservation'. They're quite helpful, maybe you could try to order them from your local library or on amazon and get used versions - they're cheaper.

I really want to emphasise that you should try to avoid avoiding situations(!) So yeh, remember... avoid avoiding :P. It really is so important. It's like I was saying the more you practice, the better you get because you actually have somewhere to draw your confidence from... if you're like me where you feel more confident when you can base your confidence on experience then you really must give yourself more of a chance to practice... :smile:

.

That's another point, you know, give yourself a chance. I get a feeling that you're sort of very harsh and self-hateful, which quite often people with anxiety are. We can be very extreme in our self criticism, but in actual fact what we see is very different to the way others see us if that makes sense. E.g. you've got a tendency to be socially anxious and worried when around others but in actual fact quite a lot of people reported you were helpful and a great person when working. So it's important to remember that your own perspective of yourself is not always accurate and just be more fair toward yourself you know. It sounds like youre your harshest critic but you have to learn to take positive experiences in your stride and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back. :smile:

Original post by Anonymous

All I seem to be able to get is temp jobs, the permanent jobs I get always end up messed up and they always seem to only last around 3 months. In my last job, I had a probationary period of 3 months and I got let go at the end of it despite being assured that they never let people go, they just extend it if needs be. I was told that I wasn't good enough with the customers when I got loads of compliments from customers saying I was a really nice person and helpful; I was told that I would "never be good enough for the job". I also explained about my mental health issues when my boss was criticising me a lot, he basically shrugged and ignored it (in fact, it felt after I told him this like he was being even more critical on purpose to try and 'test' me). There was also another member of staff who kept picking and criticising me - she had been off sick for a while then came back about a month before they finished me.

Who said that you would 'never be good enough for the job?' The hell??
I'm so sorry about this story you've explained. My heart really goes out to you, seems like this boss just wanted to kick a person when they were down... and as for the other absent member off staff, she sounds a bit iffy too. Perhaps she was having issues of her own, who knows. Sometimes we can't really understand why people are being hurtful to us but they probably have their own reasons. Chances are they probably are angry about something or hurting too, perhaps they are stressed; maybe they were trying to take that out on you. Whatever the explanation for their behaviour, it pretty much accoutns for bullying, and nobody should have to put up with that in the workplace, let alone someone who is honestly trying their best, so I am so sorry :frown:

. I guess all you can do with this negative situation is take it in your stride and be the bigger person. Don't let them phase you but just keep going. Hopefully you will find some more sympathetic employers but if you don't, next time don't put up with it. You really must report it and apply for a new position in future.

Original post by Anonymous

I know it's a boss's job to criticise and tell you that you are doing things wrong so that you can improve, but it really exacerbates my anxiety so I make more mistakes, then I get criticised even more. It's a vicious circle.

Well the last guy sounded like he was really being quite unfairly negative towards you and that's not his job! Some people are just so unnecessarily assy. Sounds like that other employee was also putting you down, and that definitely wasn't her job. So yeah don't justify what these people did to you.

I agree though, it can be hard to deal with criticism. But I feel that if you were to gradually build up your confidence through putting yourself out there more, then you'd be more willing to accept constructive criticism. I emphasise constructive criticism not destructive critcism, nobody should be allowed to put you down and kill your esteem...

Original post by Anonymous

I really hate myself because I can't keep a job and I'm letting my partner down (we live together and he's currently the only one working so that isn't fair on him). I'm constantly between jobs and we want to get married and move away from here and we can't either because of ME and the fact that I'm a failure and a freak. I've had counselling before and it helped me a bit but I feel like I'm back to square one YET AGAIN.

Well at least you have someone stable in your life and he likes you for who you are. That's wonderful. He is obviously with you for a reason so give yourself a pat on the back rather than self-hating. Come on, self-hating isn't going to get you anywhere! Learn to love yourself as much as he loves you girl... And you are NOT a failure or a freak. You've come on here for advice, showing that you're still trying. You're only a failure when you stop trying, honestly. Take it from someone who knows. You're also far from a freak... having mental health issues doesn't make you a freak ok, it is a very human thing to happen to you and it happens to at least 1 in 4 people so don't be self-hating. That's no way to come to a solution about it. Seriously, i don't know you or anything but I just get this sense that your prophesies are coming self-fulfilling... by which I mean that because your esteem is so low, and because youre so self negative, you've got yourself into this pattern where you sort of convince
yourself that things are going to go badly and then they do. Don't do that!! It's just so fair on you! Like genuinely, no one should do themself down like that! Give yourself a chance for goodness sake. Gosh I'm just so sorry you think so lowly of yourself :hugs:

I know what it feels like to self-hate but trust me it's not at all accurate... If you want an accurate opinion of yourself look to someone who cares for you like your other half. Once again, he is with you for a reason so don't forget it!

Also maybe you should consider re-starting counselling and keeping it up long-term. I personally go to counselling and I think my life would be very hard without that chance to just let it all out so it's deffo worth considering. I would really 110% endorse going to a gym regularly. In fact I 210% endorse it. It's just so good. All those natural endorphins can really help you get through the day. They're just so brilliant for people with a tendency to depression and it also helps you create routine. Honestly if you can find the cash for a cheap gym, you will find it really serves you to get those chemicals in your body.

Original post by Anonymous

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not good at anything. :frown:

Hey hey hey, there you go with the negativity again! You really need to reverse those negative thought patterns, as hard as I know it is. You really ARE good at something, everyone's good at something... and everyone has a worth. So don't be telling yourself otherwise because I won't hear it! Maybe you're just doing the wrong sorts of things. I get the feeling you're quite analytical of things and quite thoughtful... have you thought about doing a counselling course or social work? Such work maybe more suited toward you than what you have been doing. You DO have talents, even though you like to think otherwise!!

You need to think about exactly where your talents and strengths lie, and then home in on those. If you do something that relates to your strengths, your talents, and your passions e.g. helping others; then generally you will be more happy. You can always change the direction of your life in the way you want so dont force yourself into a direction you don't want to go in... Think about it. What do YOU want from life?To often we do what everyone else expects us to do, but it's not really in line with our own truth so we give up on it or we feel more anxious about it, cause it's not really in line with what we want from life, if you see what I mean.

Original post by Anonymous

My partner knows how I feel.

That's great; you're lucky you have someoen to share things with :smile:

. Count your blessings and all that :wink:

Original post by Anonymous

I went to University three times and had to drop out each time because of my mental health issues. In the past five years I've had about ten jobs which is stupid. I honestly don't know what to do for a career anymore because I don't seem to be good at anything. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like I should have my life together by now - most people my age are married with kids, got their own house, a car, a degree and I have none of these things. I feel wholly inadequate and like a freak. I can't relate to normal people - they just say I'm a big "know-it-all" but I'm too thick when I'm around other students and stuff.

I know what you mean but try stop comparing to other people - this is one of the hugest mistakes I always make so it makes me smile that you do the same. I guess it's stupid to compare yourself to others of your age because everyone's fundamentally different and so people take things at different paces, people have different strengths, and people do things in different ways. I mean, just because someone's got it 'sorted' (whatever that means!) by now doesn't mean they'll always have it sorted, you know. Life's unpredictable. Someone might be a married lawyer with 3 kids and a dog by the time theyre 30 but things could be completely pear shaped a few years down the line. So yeah, just try to remember life is unpredictable and it isn't a competition. I guess we've all got this internal need to prove others wrong but the best way you can do that is by being happy and confident in your own skin...

And if anything, embrace the fact you've been on 10 jobs because it's varied and interesting. Embrace the fact that you've had MH issues because at least it makes you more enlightened to something that quite a lot of people are very removed from, and can't empathise with. You could use your experience to get into counselling when things are better, or to just reach out to others in need. Embrace the small things in life ok, the fact you can have a cup of tea and a chat with the person you wanna spend your life with every morning, because a lot of people don't have that. Quit comparing yourself to other people because you're you and you're unique. You think your life is over and you don't have a car and a house but you have two of the most important things: a lover and a future. Sounds silly but think about sufferers of chronic illnesses like cancer, they just don't have a future ahead of them. Embrace the fact you're still here. Embrace the fact you have love. If you want to talk to me about how things are going then feel totally free to PM. I am totally judgement-free because I have more than been there. :smile:

I feel like right now your next steps are to re-find a counsellor, and talk through those issues at the back of your head that are niggling you. Grab hold of a few self help boks about anxiety and panic from your local library and get reading. Re-think what your calling in life is - do you want to help others? I get that vibe from you. Whatever it is, if you find something you love, something that comes natural to you and something you find rewarding, then I guarantee you'll be more successful and a lot less anxious with it. I became less anxious when I made decisions for myself and started living in a way that was in line with what I wanted, not what everyone else wanted. Also don't forget to put work into your relationship, do the little things for your other half that will bring you joy and stay optimistic :smile:

. I also highly recommend the gym membership... it's pricey but very worth it in my opinion. It gives you daily structure and a real boost...

Sorry for the higgledy piggledy massive wall of text and advice, it was really just a stream of consciousness and is probably very confusing and very badly written. It all sort of came out very naturally and I couldn't structure it into anything better. Anyway best of luck to you. I truly hope things improve and feel free to get in touch :smile:

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by SummitOfReason

Sorry for the higgledy piggledy massive wall of text and advice, it was really just a stream of consciousness and is probably very confusing and very badly written. It all sort of came out very naturally and I couldn't structure it into anything better. Anyway best of luck to you. I truly hope things improve and feel free to get in touch :smile:

Don't apologise in the least. Thank you so much for your post, I actually sat and cried whilst reading it. That's the kindest and most honest thing anyone has ever said to me. I do need to have more faith and esteem in myself, I completely agree with you.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

I need to make an appointment to see my GP as well as I think I need to try another kind of antidepressant and I need to get myself back to counselling asap.

Reply 8

SummitOfReason

Original post by Anonymous

I need to make an appointment to see my GP as well as I think I need to try another kind of antidepressant and I need to get myself back to counselling asap.

You are more than welcome :wink:

. I quite honestly enjoyed it, your story is interesting :smile:

.

Quite of what I said is based on experience and that's one good thing that comes from MH issues - because you have that experience you are better placed to help others so you can make a difference to someone else's life in a positive way which is just a really nice thing. Sounds really corny and disney film but i always feel life is more beautiful when I help someone else. I also hope that when things start to look up for you and when you feel more in control of things you will be able to help others out also and you will feel as fulfilled as I feel right now :smile:

.

I really do think it is important to do things you actually enjoy in life rather than what everyone else tells you you should do because it's all about what you feel comfortable with, what comes natural to you... when you're in line with what you believe in I think you're less anxious.

Personally, I am not a great fan of antidepressants. I am on citalopram currently but have reduced my dose with the eventual aim of coming off completely. It is up to you obviously but like I just think it's so much better if you make the changes to your life yourself rather than relying on some little pills to. I mean A.D.s are sort of like a temporary solution in a way. I personally wish I hadn't taken them because I've been on for several years now and I feel like quite of the lot of changes I have made aren't down to me... so yeah, that's why I endorse like the whole gymming natural endorphins thing. But it's a personal choice. If it helps you stabilise things then it could be worth a prescription for a while.

Counselling is always a great idea :smile:

. If you end up with a not very competent counsellor then make sure rather than giving up, you try and find someone better and persist with it. I regret having given up counselling on quite a few occasions but glad I have persisted with my current one. She is making a real difference :smile:

.

Good luck and keep me posted :smile:

. X

Reply 9

Ssgirl

Have you considered that you might have ADHD? People with severe ADHD often lose jobs due to low performance. It often triggers anxiety and depression when we don't do well too. It could also explain why you had to drop out of college so many times. In the case of ADHD, medications are the best treatment.