Had CBT. Didn't talk about Bad Plans. Did talk about other stuff.
Last therapy session I had a flashback which kept going and I was unable to move cos flashback and it lasted about 20-30 mins after the end of my session, so the next patient had to wait 10 mins or so past when their appt was meant to start. She said that's obviously not good for the other person or the practice, which I agree with, but aside from stopping therapy I really don't know what to do. She wasn't trying to guilt me or anything, was more like trying to make a plan to stop it happening again, which makes total sense.. except, I don't think there is a way. If I go then that possibility is always open, so should I just not go? I don't know.
Talked about family stuff which she said was helpful for her to know. Is so confusing when she talks about it being threatening/abusive though cos it's my family. It's totally fair for her to encourage me to get away from danger, but I feel like I deserve all of the bad things so it feels wrong.
My therapist is like, awesome. But I feel in a position of really not knowing what to do because I don't want to damage her work for her and I just can't guarantee that a flashback will never overrun a session. But she's the only one who has been remotely helpful and if I stop therapy I am unlikely to survive for much more than a few weeks, because removing my only hope of recovery means I have nothing to live for, and removing my time in a safe place means I have nowhere safe. And I sort of want to die but still quite a lot don't/am scared.
Bleh.
On the train to Nut.'s now. Staying until Sunday so should be able to get some headspace. But given that I've just sobbed for an hour I feel ****ing guilty for inflicting myself on her. So confused.