I'm 21 now and as I get older, i feel more and more aware of how society teaches people to focus mostly on themselves.
I'm the kind of person that everyone comes to for advice with their problems. The kind of person who goes unhealthily out of the way to sort these problems out. Even when they're nothing to do with me. I just get satisfaction out of helping others. But I'm starting to feel like people know how I am and use me only for this characteristic of my personality.
I notice more and more getting older that a lot of people don't take the time of day to listen to me if I have a problem. - I may get asked if I am unhappy about something, but as soon as I say "Nah i'm alright" in a dodgy tone - they accept it and carry on with their subject rather than probe - which is what I would do.
There are people I know who will go months without speaking to me. Then one day they'll ring and I'll know straight away it's because something has either happened in their relationship or family and they're after advice. I'll give it - and then the cycle repeats.
Other examples are my previous relationships. In the last year of my first relationship, my ex was having a terrible year. I went out of my way spending a lot of money to commute and see her since we were LD, putting my University studies at risk and managed to help her back on track. At the end of the year, i went through a pretty rough patch myself and within a month or so "she couldn't deal with it" and left me to focus on herself - It was very selfish thing to do. She knew it, just didn't care.
In addition my most recent ex was on the brink when I first bumped into her travelling. Weirdly this attracted me to her and I wanted to be there for her. Over the past year, in the cheesiest sense, I've nurtured her back to a healthy way of living. I'm going through a rough patch again - and coincidentally she left me to travel and focus on herself. It may sound like these scenarios are coincidental but they just aren't - trust me.
It's like a recurring theme in my life.
Everybody seems to love my company right up until the point where they are happy again. And then they decide they don't need me anymore.
Does anybody else feel like this ?
I would have a much easier time in life if I focused on myself and was a bit more selfish but I can't do it, it's not in my nature.
Why is it considered good to focus more on yourself ? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 15-05-2013 18:27
- 15-05-2013 18:42
Then tell people when you're not OK and need to talk. Saying "Nah, I'm alright" creates a barrier, to which if people with any level of emotional intelligence or care pick-up on, that says "I'm not OK but I don't want to talk to you about it."
As for the people who you've clearly identified as using you: tell them. Give them the opportunity to stop using you, otherwise they lose you.
Your caring nature is wonderful, however people don't want to feel like patients in a relationship (except when role-playing). There's being a positive supporter in a relationship, but you need to have a line for yourself and your partner. A line that says "this is too heavy for me to help you with and it not affect our relationship, get help from X, Y, and Z and I'll support you through it."
- 15-05-2013 19:34
This keeps happening to me too, i'm everyone's emotional tampon until they feel fine, then i get dingied and never spoken to again unless i make first contact. I'm just tired of it now, cos when i first start speaking to them, i feel like we're pals then they stop speaking to me and i start wondering if something's wrong with me.
After the last one, i've just decided to stick with myself and focus on making myself happy, it's selfish, i know but i've had enough now. Everyone can go deal with their f***ing problems themselves as far as i'm concerned.
- 15-05-2013 19:53
You caring character is something to be proud of but not to allow others to use. Sadly, you can't entirely place the blame on those who used you to make themselves feel better because it's your nature - and we're already at a moot point.
You should definitely confront people about their behavior, but also try to make out as if you're not only there to make them feel better. (E.g. Do you ever engage in a ''normal'' conversation?) And if you really consider them ''friends'', they should know that you deserve to expect the same from them. Yes, you most definitely shouldn't make out that you're always okay, as mentioned.
Regarding why it's often said that caring for oneself is better, it's because, despite the existence of exceptions, you're the only one that's going to be there with yourself in every moment.