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A smorgasbord of problems, are they real concerns? Watch

    • Thread Starter

    When I was younger, I was always antisocial, even a bit Aspie, and didn't have a friend until I was at least 10. I didn't make any real lifelong friends until college, and university has been a testing time for me. Today, I've got past social anxiety etc, but I'm not the most proactively sociable person. Though these days I enjoy it when it happens, I find it too much like hard work to instigate it.

    I am currently in a long term relationship and often have thoughts about leaving it because I find myself - as I do with all girlfriends - just appropriating her friends. It's got to the point where I haven't been out with/made any friends of my own for so long it feels like I've forgotten how.

    Using my girlfriend's social circle as a crutch is perpetuating the problem, but I can't be in the situation where I leave her and have no friends to rebuild my life.

    It doesn't help that my girlfriend is very sociable herself and is constantly inviting me to innumerable gigs and benders in faraway towns. I feel I can't refuse, because I don't really have anything else to do, and of course it upsets her when I say it's too much to commit to/don't know if I can afford it/not really interested in it.

    She comes from a long line of controlling, dysfunctional, basically sociopathic women, but I do not feel she is deliberately controlling me.* This is because since I have joined a few society committees and had a few social commitments arising from that, she has been actively encouraging me to go rather than spend time with her.

    And I think she's different to her mother and grandmother because she suffered traumatic events in her life that rid her of her superiority complex, as well as having been humbled by never having a boyfriend in her teens.

    Her constantly inviting me out might well be her strategy for injecting some spontaneity into a relationship that has been ravaged by local-newspaper-grade family tragedies over the past year.

    I need advice to tell me whether this sounds like a poisonous situation or not.

    *With one caveat, that I rather suspect much of her attraction to me is based on an archetype of me as an indie kid, a male version of her, and when I go to her gigs and stuff I always feel like I'm a pet playing a role so she can posture to her social circle. But this might be just me.

    Please quote in reply


    You kind of talk about her like you don't really like her.
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