I'm anonymous because I don't want this linked to me, but to be honest if anyone I know sees it they'll probably be able to guess.
Warning: VERY long post.
I have been friends with this person since we were both six years old. We are both now eighteen, and are finishing sixth form. There are a group of four of us, although myself and this person have been friends for the longest and naturally, are closer. You might even call us best friends. Which leads me to serious confusion over what I ought to do.
A bit of background on him - he's a nice guy, but he's one of those people who constantly went on about how girls go for jerks and how he gets upset when girls aren't interested in him. He was hung up on this one girl for years, and periodically got upset when she rejected him, even though it was blatantly obvious she didn't want to be with him. In this respect, he's a bit pathetic, in all honesty. I'm hardly a ladies man, but I don't have a real interest in girlfriends at the moment, preferring to concentrate on my studies, and I don't usually get involved in this sort of thing.
In November of 2012, I heard through the grapevine that he was interested in someone. He didn't actually tell me this, it was from a mutual friend. The person he was interested in had said she found him attractive. Once I found out I spoke to him about it, and just asked him what his intentions were. Now, this might seem a bit silly, as in reality it's none of my business, but this girl has a child from a previous relationship (She's resitting Year 13) and I just wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into. He assured me it was all fine, he knew what was going on and he was going to make sure that his friends were he No.1 priority. Anyway, fast forward to two weeks later, which was not long before Christmas, they had already spent the night together at his house (not entirely sure what they did) and he had met her daughter. They'd also gone on a date to Starbucks, during which they said they loved each other. Once again, he didn't tell me this, and I found out from the same mutual friend, but I spoke to him again and he assured me he knew what he was doing and despite the fact that things were moving very fast, he was going to keep me in the loop and ensure that things didn't get out of hand.
Basically the situation has escalated very quickly in the sense that they are completely infatuated with one another after six months of being together. You no longer get one without the other, and they speak on the phone 24/7. What's more, is that the relationship seems to be very odd, in that she is in charge and the slightest thing he does wrong will result in her going home in a strop and him going to her house to apologise. One notable incident (that again I found out from a mutual friend) was when she left because he was carrying her bag incorrectly and so he asked numerous people for money to catch a bus to go to her house and apologise, which he did - supposedly he was on the pavement begging for forgiveness. There have been two incidents that have really caught my attention, one of which I was present for, which was where he wanted to leave a party and she didn't so he was shouting and then she started crying and went into a separate room with friends, and then he was sat on the stairs with his head buried in his hands crying because he was convinced she was leaving him. An hour later she was gyrating on him in the front room of this house (despite the person who's house it was explicitly stating that anything like this would result in them being thrown out.) The other incident which I wasn't present for happened recently - they were out with others for a birthday celebration (I wasn't invited because I don't know the person) and to cut a long story short, he wanted to leave but she didn't, so after a public row that involved much shouting on his behalf, he dragged her into a taxi with her texting "help" to her friends. I have spoken to many people about this, including people I trust implicitly (and there aren't many of them) and all of them have told me this exact same story. I asked him, and he told me that it was a pack of lies, nothing like this happened and he was merely acting in her best interests and everyone else was out of order. I told him that I really wasn't sure who to believe, and he replied with "you believe what you want to believe, I've said my piece." On two occasions he has asked me to pay a not unsubstantial amount of money to help him with his phone bill, and this did not happen before they were together. (I'm not talking small money, I was shocked that he'd have the gall to ask me for any money, let alone the amount he did, and the fact that he wouldn't even ask me in person riled me even more) and I told him I wouldn't do it. He has completely stopped speaking to me if she's around.
The primary issue I have started a couple of months ago, where he forgot my 18th birthday. It was on a Monday, and I told him about it the previous Thursday. Come Monday, and nobody said anything. I'm not making excuses for the friends that did actually forget, but when you consider the fact that I don't have Facebook so people aren't reminded and I didn't actually mention it to anyone else, it beggars belief that he forgot. I didn't forget his birthday, and we've known each other for 12 years. Despite this, I spoke one of the three others in our clique, if you like, and he apologised for forgetting and him and the other member organised a meal for just the three of us. I thought this was nice, as it was a way of them apologising while catering to what I wanted - I'm not a drinker, and I don't go out and get hammered at all. The person who I'm having issues with wasn't invited. The following Tuesday, he told me he'd remembered, and was sorry. I told him it was fine. He said that he'd forgotten because he'd had a load of work to do. Someone else had told him on the Friday, and he went around telling people that everyone else had forgotten and it was only him who'd remembered, so he was going to organise a small party in school for me. I ran into him before he'd done this, and told him that I didn't want him to do it, because I didn't want a fuss made. He was constantly going on about the fact that he was going to do it because it was my birthday, etc, etc. I told him I wouldn't be around when he wanted to do it, and explicitly told him that if he did it I'd stop talking to him. Now, at 11:30 that night, I heard a bang, and couldn't work out what it was. He'd posted two cards through the letterbox, one of which was a collective card signed by a load of people I don't actually speak to, and one from him. I know I'm going to sound like an ungrateful ass here but these people are people that I don't know, and who don't know me. It seems to me that he did that (after I explicitly told him not to) to make himself feel better. It also transpires that, and I found this later on, he had asked people to sign the card, and they had said that they didn't speak to me so it would be pointless and he should actually get it signed by my friends. Obviously, he had ignored this. He also got my teachers to sign it, which I was very angry and embarrassed about. I have also found out that he tried to get people to give him money for a cake after I told him not to, which I haven't yet confronted him about but am absolutely fuming.
All this leaves me wondering where I stand. We don't speak alone any more, and if we were ever in a situation where we were alone together, he'd try to phone his girlfriend. This has happened more than once. We're supposed to be going on holiday in a few weeks, and I'm dreading it because I just don't like him any more. He's supposed to be going off to university in September, and all his offers are AAB when last year he got CCDD and he hasn't even started revising yet, and I can guarantee he'll phone me up on the day before his exam and tell me he needs help. I just don't want to talk to him any more, but if I ignore him or stop speaking to him he'll badger me and want to know why I'm not talking to him, as if I have a problem. I can guarantee that if he was to see this post he'd rebuke everything in it, despite the fact that I can confirm 99% of it is true, even the stuff I didn't witness myself. At the end of the day, I just don't like him any more.
Should I keep in touch, or should I just cut communications after we leave school and move on? He will try and contact me eventually for money or help or something, and I just don't want to deal with his problems any more. Bear in mind this is (or was) I feel the only person that understood me fully, and the person with whom I had a lot of history. We've been through a hell of a lot together, and I wouldn't want to just throw it away, although it appears as though he's already done that.
If you've got this far down, I apologise for taking up so much of your time - thank you for reading my thread, any help is much appreciated.
Issues with friend Watch
- Thread Starter
- 18-05-2013 14:20
- 18-05-2013 14:33
From reading the first half people will get the impression you need to stop thinking about him so much but it sounds like he impinges on your life quite a lot.
As you go to Uni, especially as you don't have any incentive to stay in contact with him, you will find that you drift apart.
I would just keep your distance for now and let it drift naturally. If by some miracle he realises what a terrible friend he has been, he may start to make more effort. It doesn't sound like this will happen so I would imagine you are going to end up going down different paths.
If you want some closure I would try telling him how you feel, and that he isn't a good friend etc and just see what the reaction is. You have known him a long time so I guess it is worth giving him that opportunity.
TBH he sounds like a highly unstable character and the less you have him in your life, the better. Offer him what support you can, but make sure it isn't at the cost of sacrificing your happiness.
Just as a final tip, tell people when your birthday is if you don't have facebook. I wouldn't expect too many people to remember if you don't give them some kind of reminder!