Feelings for a long-time friend - confess or stay silent?
I'm female, mid-twenties, and have complicated feelings for a male friend of mine. We've known one another 7 years. During the first 4, he was in a relationship and although I had feelings for him that whole time, I didn't act upon it out of respect for him and his partner. Although we were friends, we were never that close; we'd hang out in the same groups, but he wouldn't get in touch to spend time together outside of that.
Three years ago, I moved abroad to study. A few months later, he split with his girlfriend. I'd visit home for a few weeks a year and during that time we became a lot closer. He was always excited to hear I'd be home and would text me almost every day to hang out. He started calling me by pet names and ending texts with lots of kisses - I mention this because it was very different to his previous ambivalence.
Now, I've moved back home and although I thought I was over my feelings for him, I've found myself wondering about 'us'. We're both single and looking and even after all these years, I still have a soft spot for him. He seems a bit flirty (pet names, hugs and kisses, touches me often, compliments me often, protective of me, etc.) but I'm scared I might be reading too much into this, given my past infatuation with him. The two times in the past I've tried to turn a close friendship with a guy into a relationship they flat out rejected me and it utterly destroyed both friendships.
He's one of my closest friends in this country and we're contemplating living together, but I think I need to resolve my feelings for him first. If I make a move, there's a lot to lose, but there's also a lot to gain. What would you do?
Three years ago, I moved abroad to study. A few months later, he split with his girlfriend. I'd visit home for a few weeks a year and during that time we became a lot closer. He was always excited to hear I'd be home and would text me almost every day to hang out. He started calling me by pet names and ending texts with lots of kisses - I mention this because it was very different to his previous ambivalence.
Now, I've moved back home and although I thought I was over my feelings for him, I've found myself wondering about 'us'. We're both single and looking and even after all these years, I still have a soft spot for him. He seems a bit flirty (pet names, hugs and kisses, touches me often, compliments me often, protective of me, etc.) but I'm scared I might be reading too much into this, given my past infatuation with him. The two times in the past I've tried to turn a close friendship with a guy into a relationship they flat out rejected me and it utterly destroyed both friendships.
He's one of my closest friends in this country and we're contemplating living together, but I think I need to resolve my feelings for him first. If I make a move, there's a lot to lose, but there's also a lot to gain. What would you do?
I'd definitely say something. I think in these situations it's usually best to - if you know that your feelings are long-standing and real. You've liked this guy seven years now and I think it's time this all goes one way or another. You tell him and he feels the same and it's hopefully the start of something special, or he doesn't feel the same way and you are able to find closure and eventually move on. I know you're scared to do anything considering what happened with your other male friends, but it sounds to me that these guys were perhaps a bit immature and not used to dealing with women who like them. You're both in your mid-twenties now, so this sort of thing shouldn't be too awkward. And you can get your point across to him without being too full-on. Instead of telling him that you've had strong feelings for him for ages, just say that you've began to see him in a different light and see how he responds. The thing that really makes me think you ought to tell him is the fact that you are contemplating living together. That's something you will probably find very difficult considering your feelings.
How would you feel if he found someone new and ages later you found out that he used to have feelings for you but moved on because he thought you didn't feel the same? Tell him, the regret would be far worse than anything else.
Thanks for the advice guys, much appreciated and please keep it coming.
seahorse: great post. You're definitely correct that we've established this isn't some short-term crush, in fact it's bordering on ridiculously long-term now! I do agree that an, "I've been wondering if we might work as more than friends" approach is much better than confessing how long I've liked him. He'd probably feel as if our entire friendship was a lie if he knew I liked him for years.
joker and IDukem: you do both raise a very good point. I would feel sick in the future to know that that just because I didn't dare say anything to him, I missed out on the opportunity for potentially an amazing relationship.
I guess fear of him reacting badly and then ditching him like the other two friends I've professed feelings for is what's really holding me back. There's also a smattering of low self-esteem as I'm not as attractive/skinny as his previous girlfriends.
One more spanner to throw in the works which makes we wonder if a relationship with him is a good idea, he wants kids and I don't think I do. He eventually split with the girlfriend of 6 years who he was dating when we met because she didn't want kids. Road to disaster or just massively overthinking potential future problems?
seahorse: great post. You're definitely correct that we've established this isn't some short-term crush, in fact it's bordering on ridiculously long-term now! I do agree that an, "I've been wondering if we might work as more than friends" approach is much better than confessing how long I've liked him. He'd probably feel as if our entire friendship was a lie if he knew I liked him for years.
joker and IDukem: you do both raise a very good point. I would feel sick in the future to know that that just because I didn't dare say anything to him, I missed out on the opportunity for potentially an amazing relationship.
I guess fear of him reacting badly and then ditching him like the other two friends I've professed feelings for is what's really holding me back. There's also a smattering of low self-esteem as I'm not as attractive/skinny as his previous girlfriends.
One more spanner to throw in the works which makes we wonder if a relationship with him is a good idea, he wants kids and I don't think I do. He eventually split with the girlfriend of 6 years who he was dating when we met because she didn't want kids. Road to disaster or just massively overthinking potential future problems?
The kids thing is a definite issue - you know he feels strongly about it and if you're sure you won't change your mind there's perhaps no point in going through the pain of telling him end then breaking up about it.
OK, so I bit the bullet and did something about it. I figure the wanting/not wanting kids thing is something we'll get to at the appropriate time if we end up together, so I'm not going to worry too much over it.
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
Original post by rosetinted
OK, so I bit the bullet and did something about it. I figure the wanting/not wanting kids thing is something we'll get to at the appropriate time if we end up together, so I'm not going to worry too much over it.
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
That's a positive step for sure!! Nice one
Keep us updated 
Original post by rosetinted
OK, so I bit the bullet and did something about it. I figure the wanting/not wanting kids thing is something we'll get to at the appropriate time if we end up together, so I'm not going to worry too much over it.
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
This is such a nice story! But to be honest, reading this thread, it was pretty much a dead cert that he likes you.
I wouldn't go and "make a move" as in proper kissing, or maybe even more. Speak to them about your feelings and see how it goes. If they feel the same way then great! If not then just work on your friendship so that it doesn't end up uncomfortable and awkward. You never know unless you try and you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if!
Just see how it goes. Remember, Rachael and Joey out of friends managed to work through things, even if it is a TV program! I also have a friend who told me their feelings and i didn't feel the same way, it was okay at first, little awkward at times. And even though we ended up falling out and not speaking for a good while, we are now friends again! Solid friendships shouldn't completely fall apart. The longer you leave it the more your feelings will grow. And if they just want to remain friends, you will remain friends even if there are a few bumps along the way!
Good luck!
Just see how it goes. Remember, Rachael and Joey out of friends managed to work through things, even if it is a TV program! I also have a friend who told me their feelings and i didn't feel the same way, it was okay at first, little awkward at times. And even though we ended up falling out and not speaking for a good while, we are now friends again! Solid friendships shouldn't completely fall apart. The longer you leave it the more your feelings will grow. And if they just want to remain friends, you will remain friends even if there are a few bumps along the way!
Good luck!
Original post by rosetinted
OK, so I bit the bullet and did something about it. I figure the wanting/not wanting kids thing is something we'll get to at the appropriate time if we end up together, so I'm not going to worry too much over it.
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.
We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!
Glad it went well
try and speak to him soon about it so you both know for sure where you stand!Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Loving in silence - is it possible?
- Advice about getting over a crush?
- How come two of my former crush’s friends are romantically interested in me but he wa
- engaged to my friends girlfriend, am I the *******?
- How do I break up with him without hurting him?
- why are men really complicated to understand?
- Perfect Boyfriend and Ideas on Long Distance
- University of York Library
- My guy friend don’t want to be friends with me
- What to do if your not attracted to them?
- Right person, wrong time. I [M20] just want to forget about her [F19]
- i dont understand this guy
- Would you like a girl who is a friend of your best friend?
- boy help
- Should I try to make this relationship work, or should I move on?
- Durham Sutton Trust Summer School
- Did I do the right thing?
- Does my crush like me back?
- Was I (21F) overreacting when I told my soon-to-be boyfriend (20M) that it's weird th
- Do i have any chance with her or should i give it up
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
