Kind of complicated problem with the girl I like and her friend

I wrote an even longer, more detailed and rambling post last night but I'm glad I didn't submit it, am rewriting today to make it clearer now I'm not so tired. Sorry its still not too clear but I did my best.

Basically a girl who I have liked for quite a long time, Sarah, and I met on a night out and I finally told her how I felt about her and asked whether she wanted to take our friendship further. Upshot of this was that she said that nothing could happen, as a friend of hers fancies me and so she couldn't risk harming that friendship by being with me.

The next day we texted each other, her explaining how confused she was about the whole situation but that she valued her close friendship with this other girl and would never want to hurt her in any way. Now I honestly respect her decision and I can understand the predicament she is in and that her friendship, as close as they are, should take precedence, and told her as such. She made it clear that whatever happened she wanted to stay close friends, as we had grown to be recently, and I replied the same; she is such a fantastic person I couldn't bear to lose her as a friend as well as anything more. I haven't seen her since but we have talked again on MSN and it was pretty much like things were before.

I guess my problem is that I too am wholly confused, I have all sorts of thoughts about it going around in my head and its hard to concentrate on anything else but this situation.

I know parts of this may sound big headed or whatever but I really only want to say what I mean clearly as possible, I'm really not and I don't mean it come across as so, but-

If her other friend didn't like me it would seem like all would be perfect and we could be together now, that we both want to but she is what's stopping us. Whoever she is I don't care as I can't even consider another girl at this moment, it would be so wrong and surely upset Sarah exactly the same way if anything did happen with this other girl, as it would for her friend if Sarah and I were together?

If there really is no chance for anything to change that would enable something to happen between us, as I said I will respect and I do understand her decision, and if we can only be friends then that is all that will happen; it hurts, but it will be okay. But I also worry that as friends, however hard I try I could never fully get over her and always at the back of my mind like her in a different way (or her the same for me), which wouldn't be a good basis on which to hold the friendship at all. However, she really is such a great person I would hate to ever end or lessen contact with her, due to all this or for any other reason; I feel so privileged to know her and get on so well it would upset me more than I can say.

I almost feel anger towards her friend for effectively putting this barrier between Sarah and I so that we cannot be together as anything more than friends, its as though because of it there are three unhappy people without the person they want, instead of two happy together out of the three; I know this is really selfish and stupid, but I can't help it, it's just part of what I feel now.

I also don't know what would happen if her friend went off me or found someone else, whether that would mean we could be together or whether its now too late, and if Sarah would feel the same. I'm not sure how I or her would know or if it would still be appropriate, either, but I guess this happening would be the only real way Sarah and I could be more than friends now. However after trying to suppress this attraction to her so we can remain friends it would suddenly all change and I don't know if that would work for her or me.

I also don't know who this other girl is, Sarah wouldn't tell me that night and I didn't press the question, and I'm not sure if it would be okay now to ask her.

I hope this comes across as I mean it to, I just wanted to know if anyone has been in the same position and what I should do. I want us to be happy together, but her decision to be friends now to avoid hurting her other friend I can and will accept, as long as theres no other chance that theres a way we could be together without hurting her other friend, or in fact making things worse between us if she thinks that I'm pushing it or interfering more.

Am I being a complete plank and missing something here, should I just stop and be thankful we're still able to be close friends, or is it obvious what I should do now, I don't know.

Any suggestions would be appreciated, thanks.

Reply 1

Ywiss

I really admire you for being so understanding with Sarah - she's obviously as confused as you are, and you're right to stick by her decision to avoid hurting her friend.

Anonymous

I also don't know who this other girl is, Sarah wouldn't tell me that night and I didn't press the question, and I'm not sure if it would be okay now to ask her

Don't find out who it is - she would be amazingly embarrassed to find out that Sarah was talking to you about her - I don't think it would be fair on her.

Anonymous

I almost feel anger towards her friend for effectively putting this barrier between Sarah and I so that we cannot be together as anything more than friends, its as though because of it there are three unhappy people without the person they want, instead of two happy together out of the three; I know this is really selfish and stupid, but I can't help it, it's just part of what I feel now.

That's probably a natural feeling, but try not to feel angry towards the friend - you and Sarah are the lucky ones, because you have found each other, whereas her feelings are not reciprocated. Ultimately you have to ask yourself whether you're going to let your life and your decisions be dictated by an unknown person, or whether you and Sarah have too strong a bond to stay away from each other...I think it all depends on your feelings for Sarah, if you see the relationship between her and you lasting a long time or a short time and ultimately Sarah herself - whether she decides to risk her friendship for this relationship. You can't really decide that for her.

Good luck with it all - I hope it works out.

x

Reply 2

Renza

Hmm... I suppose it would help to know who the person is.

We had this problem in our circle of friends involving two guys and a girl. One guy liked this girl but the girl didn't like him back and would not go out with him.

However, his friend went out with this girl in the past year and rather than seriously hurt their relationship it allowed him to finally accept he could never be with her. However, I suppose it all depends on what your friends are like.

If I were you I'd find out who this person was very subtly although part of me thinks that's probably bad advice. :rolleyes:

Reply 3

newDana

I've been the other girl in a similar situation, and in my case the girl (my best friend) and the guy got together behind my back. All my other friends knew about it, and i was still pining over the guy hoping that he liked me. When i eventually found out i was absolutely devestated, me and my friend didn't talk for a very long time.

Anyways, the thing that upset me most in my situation was them going behind my back and lying to me. If the girl had come to me and said "look, I like X and i'm pretty sure he likes me. I know you like him too, and i won't do anything if you don't want me to but i do really like him" then i'd have given her my blessing to go for it. The other girl might not even know there's something between you, and personally knowing that the guy i like is into someone else usually makes me realise we wouldn't ever get together. And if she really really likes you then she should be happy that you're happy!

So yeh, my advice to you is to try and get Sarah to tell her friend that she knows that you like her, and that she likes her too. Obviously there's a risk cos the other girl may say "no you can't get with him", in which case i'd get together anyways cos she's just being a cow! Approaching it in that way kinda gives you guys the higher moral ground, and she'll either have to accept it or lump it. My advice is clearly dependent on Sarah liking you too.. but it sounds like she does!

Reply 4

Emmalina

Are you 100% sure it isnt just a putdown? Just being cynical, I know people who would use that as an excuse cause they didnt want to hurt you by just saying no outright..

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

More than anything I'm worried about upsetting what we could have now as friends, by being too persistant and potentially intruding and doing something that could result in Sarah and/or her friend being hurt.
I wouldn't do anything secretly and if it happened I'd want it to be open, problem still is finding who this person is or asking Sarah to speak to her. I don't know how she would take it, and even if she was happy to do as I asked, whether it would have an adverse effect on their friendship anyway.

I did comtemplate and obviously can't be totally 100% sure it wasn't a straight put down, for example she wouldn't say who the friend was; but I'm pretty definite that she does feel something back. A couple of mutual friends commented on us being together, and it was her that suggested we meet and we spent a lot of that night together, by the end we were sat in each other's arms and kissed before she started to get a little upset and we talked about this. Now I might just be really, really bad at reading the situation but she's the sort of person who would most probably tell you straight instead of making excuses. If I asked her outright now I'm sure she would give me a straight answer, but at this point I don't know what it would achieve, as I still can't convince myself it would be the best idea to carry on trying to push this- whether I should be content with still having her in my life as a close friend, instead of risking that for the chance of being together as something more.