My boyfriend is really unsupportive and cold about my depression
Apologies for the long post.
Today I went to see my doctor, after feeling extremely low in the last few months. I (23F) have been suffering from recurring depression since I was 16/17. I've been on meds and seen several counsellors, and I can feel okay for a few months, but in general I'm quite low, and sometimes I feel awful for long periods of time. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. At the beginning he knew about my depression, but I wasn't too bad then. I was on meds, but came off them.
Last nine months have been horrible. I was jobless, his brother passed away in November, and our relationship has been disintegrating. When his brother died we lost our closeness. He said some harsh things (which he doesn't remember), and I was falling into depression much quicker. I've only started talking about my depression with him in the last few months, but he has been really unsupportive of it, saying things like "Isn't it just you being sad?" and always asking the reason WHY I feel depressed. He's very practical, and get frustrated easily. Today my doctor suggested I have chemical depression, but also my circumstances haven't helped much. My doctor is going to try counselling first, then maybe meds in a month if I feel I want to try (I strongly expressed I DON'T want meds again).
I was talking to my boyfriend today, and told him what I discussed with my doctor. His first words were "Well if you know it's just chemical, you should be okay," but he was very cold when talking to me. He told me he doesn't like speaking to me on the phone anymore, because all I seem to talk about is being sad. In reality, I want to talk about normal things, but my boyfriend makes me sad because he barely shows me affection except in real life (we're in a long-distance relationship). He doesn't really tell me he loves me or misses me anymore, or says loving things to me in general. When I told him this he said he just -doesn't- feel affectionately towards me, because I'm always sad. I told him my depression has been really bad lately, and I need support, not criticism. I asked if he's willing to support me and he said "Well I have to."
We've had conversations like this for the last few months with no improvement. His reasons for not being affectionate is because he said he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, yet this perpetuates my sadness. He said he loves me, but it doesn't feel the same as before. He told me he'd come to my first counselling session, to try and understand better. When I mentioned breaking up, he really didn't want to, and then acted like he really wanted to see me this weekend. I told him I'll see if I want to visit.
I just feel so lost. I understand a depressed partner isn't easy, but I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't really support me. I felt heart broken when he said he doesn't feel affectionately towards me anymore. I'm still the same person, but I have an illness.
I'm going to wait a day or two before deciding for sure whether I want to end things. I don't really want to but there's a lack of communication between us now, and I honestly don't feel I have to 'justify' why I deserve to be loved. I really don't know what to do though.
Today I went to see my doctor, after feeling extremely low in the last few months. I (23F) have been suffering from recurring depression since I was 16/17. I've been on meds and seen several counsellors, and I can feel okay for a few months, but in general I'm quite low, and sometimes I feel awful for long periods of time. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. At the beginning he knew about my depression, but I wasn't too bad then. I was on meds, but came off them.
Last nine months have been horrible. I was jobless, his brother passed away in November, and our relationship has been disintegrating. When his brother died we lost our closeness. He said some harsh things (which he doesn't remember), and I was falling into depression much quicker. I've only started talking about my depression with him in the last few months, but he has been really unsupportive of it, saying things like "Isn't it just you being sad?" and always asking the reason WHY I feel depressed. He's very practical, and get frustrated easily. Today my doctor suggested I have chemical depression, but also my circumstances haven't helped much. My doctor is going to try counselling first, then maybe meds in a month if I feel I want to try (I strongly expressed I DON'T want meds again).
I was talking to my boyfriend today, and told him what I discussed with my doctor. His first words were "Well if you know it's just chemical, you should be okay," but he was very cold when talking to me. He told me he doesn't like speaking to me on the phone anymore, because all I seem to talk about is being sad. In reality, I want to talk about normal things, but my boyfriend makes me sad because he barely shows me affection except in real life (we're in a long-distance relationship). He doesn't really tell me he loves me or misses me anymore, or says loving things to me in general. When I told him this he said he just -doesn't- feel affectionately towards me, because I'm always sad. I told him my depression has been really bad lately, and I need support, not criticism. I asked if he's willing to support me and he said "Well I have to."
We've had conversations like this for the last few months with no improvement. His reasons for not being affectionate is because he said he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, yet this perpetuates my sadness. He said he loves me, but it doesn't feel the same as before. He told me he'd come to my first counselling session, to try and understand better. When I mentioned breaking up, he really didn't want to, and then acted like he really wanted to see me this weekend. I told him I'll see if I want to visit.
I just feel so lost. I understand a depressed partner isn't easy, but I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't really support me. I felt heart broken when he said he doesn't feel affectionately towards me anymore. I'm still the same person, but I have an illness.
I'm going to wait a day or two before deciding for sure whether I want to end things. I don't really want to but there's a lack of communication between us now, and I honestly don't feel I have to 'justify' why I deserve to be loved. I really don't know what to do though.
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Depression for those who haven't suffered with it is very difficult to understand, its illogical, its frustrating and sometimes even annoying. People struggle to understand that it is an illness as real as breaking a leg or having flu, yet its invisible, profoundly powerful and difficult to manage. From your boyfriends perspective it sounds like he's had a very difficult time recently, so I get that he might find it hard to sympathise. However you are in a relationship, and if that relationship is making you feel more lonely, more depressed and unsupported then you have to start putting yourself first and deciding if the relationship is really giving you what you need at the moment. A good bit of advice I was told once was to always be your own best friend, take care of yourself and support yourself because the rest of the world will always be there to challenge you, so you shouldnt bring yourself down. I ended my last relationship partially because we were both depressed and things had broken down, and although its been painful and difficult, I feel stronger for it, its given me the space and mental breathing time to sort myself out and get life going in the right direction.
It seems like he is trying to make the effort and you talking about breaking up really made him realise there was an issue so I would see how it goes when you see him. Obviously he hasn't been himself since his brother died which is understandable, maybe that's why he isn't supporting you - not that i am agreeing with him doing that in any sense.
Also if he says he isn't feeling any affectionate towards you but doesn't want things to end maybe that's just because he is used to the relationship because its what he knows and its comfortable so the idea of that not being there he doesnt like so thats why he doesnt want it to end - not because he had affection for you or anything like that.
Then again he did say he loved you so it depends if affection and love is the same thing for you.
What I would do personally is see how it goes for a few more weeks, being friendly and fun and not really speaking about anything deep and then after a few weeks of that actually bring up this issue and speak about it with him because speaking really is the only way to understand this i feel - but it does seem like he is understanding you a bit more if he is going to go to one of your counseling sessions.
Also if he says he isn't feeling any affectionate towards you but doesn't want things to end maybe that's just because he is used to the relationship because its what he knows and its comfortable so the idea of that not being there he doesnt like so thats why he doesnt want it to end - not because he had affection for you or anything like that.
Then again he did say he loved you so it depends if affection and love is the same thing for you.
What I would do personally is see how it goes for a few more weeks, being friendly and fun and not really speaking about anything deep and then after a few weeks of that actually bring up this issue and speak about it with him because speaking really is the only way to understand this i feel - but it does seem like he is understanding you a bit more if he is going to go to one of your counseling sessions.
I think he has a general lack of understanding about what depression actually is/is like, hence why he says it's just being sad and that it's okay as long as it's just chemical, compounded by the fact that he doesn't know how to deal with it and how he should be supporting you. Though you were making how to do to that pretty clear by saying you needed affection; his reply of "I just don't feel that way anymore" is wholly unhelpful and I can't really figure why anybody would say that. If he can't give you the support you need and is being cold towards you, effectively making things worse, then I think you really do need to end.
Obviously have a talk to him first to try and help him understand what you need and how he is making it harder for you and see if he understands how he's been failing so far. It's not his fault he doesn't know what to do, but it's not yours that you're depressed, either. This is one of those situations I really don't envy you for being in. It also sounds like he feels obliged to stay with you (the "I have to" part) which may lead to him resenting you if he genuinely doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, and he's obviously been through a tough time too with the death of his brother.
Sorry you're having to go through this, I hope you get better
Obviously have a talk to him first to try and help him understand what you need and how he is making it harder for you and see if he understands how he's been failing so far. It's not his fault he doesn't know what to do, but it's not yours that you're depressed, either. This is one of those situations I really don't envy you for being in. It also sounds like he feels obliged to stay with you (the "I have to" part) which may lead to him resenting you if he genuinely doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, and he's obviously been through a tough time too with the death of his brother.
Sorry you're having to go through this, I hope you get better
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Double Agent
Depression for those who haven't suffered with it is very difficult to understand, its illogical, its frustrating and sometimes even annoying. People struggle to understand that it is an illness as real as breaking a leg or having flu, yet its invisible, profoundly powerful and difficult to manage. From your boyfriends perspective it sounds like he's had a very difficult time recently, so I get that he might find it hard to sympathise. However you are in a relationship, and if that relationship is making you feel more lonely, more depressed and unsupported then you have to start putting yourself first and deciding if the relationship is really giving you what you need at the moment. A good bit of advice I was told once was to always be your own best friend, take care of yourself and support yourself because the rest of the world will always be there to challenge you, so you shouldnt bring yourself down. I ended my last relationship partially because we were both depressed and things had broken down, and although its been painful and difficult, I feel stronger for it, its given me the space and mental breathing time to sort myself out and get life going in the right direction.
Thank you for the response. On one hand, I know it's a very frustrating and difficult thing to deal with, and having a partner with depression can't be easy. On the other, I've tried my best to explain it to him, sending him links to understand it better, but he really doesn't seem interested. It's like he only wants me when I'm happy, and doesn't want to listen to the bad.
What cuts the most is his loss of affection for me, and how little we speak these days (unless it's real life). Some of the things he says suggests he only tolerates me, yet he said last night "Obviously I do want to be with you, otherwise I'd have left." I've sent him links to understanding depression and helping a partner through it, but he took his time getting to the articles because he thought they were going to be "too long". He's an incredibly intelligent person, but in a very practical sense. I wish he could see I'm still the same person, but I have an illness.
I can't make him feel differently, or make him see the "real me" (I have nothing to prove).
Original post by desdemonata
Though you were making how to do to that pretty clear by saying you needed affection; his reply of "I just don't feel that way anymore" is wholly unhelpful and I can't really figure why anybody would say that. If he can't give you the support you need and is being cold towards you, effectively making things worse, then I think you really do need to end.
That part really hits home. We're in a vicious cycle, and the more I try and talk to him about it, the more frustrated he gets, the less he "loves" me and the sadder I feel.
I can understand dealing with a depressed partner is extremely difficult, especially after the death of his brother, but at the same time it's a serious part of me, and in the long run I need a partner who can at least try and support me.
*hugs back*
Sounds like he's staying with you out of duty rather than love (how are you meant to break up with someone who's depressed as it is?)
With regard to the way he said "well it's chemical, at least it can be sorted out" and "why do you feel depressed", that's because when you raise a problem boys think that means you want him to provide solutions. They don't understand the concept of "talking" about problems without giving solutions, and think doing so is a total waste of time because it doesn't change anything. Similarly, for me, my girlfriend complains about her job a lot at the moment and has a lot on her plate. I get stressed out talking to her because whenever she mentions it's not going well, my brain tells me that it's up to me to provide a way out for her.
When it comes to his brother, he may well be resentful as he is constantly having to think about your depression when really he has "more of a right" to be depressed, that may be why he's always asking why.
I reckon it would be best for you both to break up (from your description at least)
With regard to the way he said "well it's chemical, at least it can be sorted out" and "why do you feel depressed", that's because when you raise a problem boys think that means you want him to provide solutions. They don't understand the concept of "talking" about problems without giving solutions, and think doing so is a total waste of time because it doesn't change anything. Similarly, for me, my girlfriend complains about her job a lot at the moment and has a lot on her plate. I get stressed out talking to her because whenever she mentions it's not going well, my brain tells me that it's up to me to provide a way out for her.
When it comes to his brother, he may well be resentful as he is constantly having to think about your depression when really he has "more of a right" to be depressed, that may be why he's always asking why.
I reckon it would be best for you both to break up (from your description at least)
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by chinadolly
It seems like he is trying to make the effort and you talking about breaking up really made him realise there was an issue so I would see how it goes when you see him. Obviously he hasn't been himself since his brother died which is understandable, maybe that's why he isn't supporting you - not that i am agreeing with him doing that in any sense.
Also if he says he isn't feeling any affectionate towards you but doesn't want things to end maybe that's just because he is used to the relationship because its what he knows and its comfortable so the idea of that not being there he doesnt like so thats why he doesnt want it to end - not because he had affection for you or anything like that.
Then again he did say he loved you so it depends if affection and love is the same thing for you.
What I would do personally is see how it goes for a few more weeks, being friendly and fun and not really speaking about anything deep and then after a few weeks of that actually bring up this issue and speak about it with him because speaking really is the only way to understand this i feel - but it does seem like he is understanding you a bit more if he is going to go to one of your counseling sessions.
Also if he says he isn't feeling any affectionate towards you but doesn't want things to end maybe that's just because he is used to the relationship because its what he knows and its comfortable so the idea of that not being there he doesnt like so thats why he doesnt want it to end - not because he had affection for you or anything like that.
Then again he did say he loved you so it depends if affection and love is the same thing for you.
What I would do personally is see how it goes for a few more weeks, being friendly and fun and not really speaking about anything deep and then after a few weeks of that actually bring up this issue and speak about it with him because speaking really is the only way to understand this i feel - but it does seem like he is understanding you a bit more if he is going to go to one of your counseling sessions.
Thanks for the reply. Things have a lot changed since his brother died, and I can't see things improving. Nearly every phone conversation we have turns into an argument, because he is sick of my sadness. He said he feels less strongly than he did at the start of the relationship, but that was when everything was lovey-dovey anyway. I feel so crushed with the things he has said. He is supposed to be my rock, the person I can talk to about anything. Instead I am now too scared to tell him when I'm having a bad day.
Original post by genericporcupine
That part really hits home. We're in a vicious cycle, and the more I try and talk to him about it, the more frustrated he gets, the less he "loves" me and the sadder I feel.
I can understand dealing with a depressed partner is extremely difficult, especially after the death of his brother, but at the same time it's a serious part of me, and in the long run I need a partner who can at least try and support me.
*hugs back*
I can understand dealing with a depressed partner is extremely difficult, especially after the death of his brother, but at the same time it's a serious part of me, and in the long run I need a partner who can at least try and support me.
*hugs back*
In that case it doesn't seem like you have much choice, for your own sake, and also for his. Maybe if he could begin to understand how to support you and not be frustrated, but that means understanding depression (which is hard enough for those that haven't experienced it) whilst also dealing with his own grief, which is a lot to ask, and probably too much in this case.
It's not really something to blame him for, and obviously it is difficult, but at the same time, the fact that you need support doesn't change. If your doctor said your circumstances are also contributing, I would make space for yourself and breathe. Don't cut off all forms off support though, talk to friends and family, and I really hope counselling goes well for you. Good luck.
Original post by scrotgrot
Sounds like he's staying with you out of duty rather than love (how are you meant to break up with someone who's depressed as it is?)
With regard to the way he said "well it's chemical, at least it can be sorted out" and "why do you feel depressed", that's because when you raise a problem boys think that means you want him to provide solutions. They don't understand the concept of "talking" about problems without giving solutions, and think doing so is a total waste of time because it doesn't change anything. Similarly, for me, my girlfriend complains about her job a lot at the moment and has a lot on her plate. I get stressed out talking to her because whenever she mentions it's not going well, my brain tells me that it's up to me to provide a way out for her.
When it comes to his brother, he may well be resentful as he is constantly having to think about your depression when really he has "more of a right" to be depressed, that may be why he's always asking why.
I reckon it would be best for you both to break up (from your description at least)
With regard to the way he said "well it's chemical, at least it can be sorted out" and "why do you feel depressed", that's because when you raise a problem boys think that means you want him to provide solutions. They don't understand the concept of "talking" about problems without giving solutions, and think doing so is a total waste of time because it doesn't change anything. Similarly, for me, my girlfriend complains about her job a lot at the moment and has a lot on her plate. I get stressed out talking to her because whenever she mentions it's not going well, my brain tells me that it's up to me to provide a way out for her.
When it comes to his brother, he may well be resentful as he is constantly having to think about your depression when really he has "more of a right" to be depressed, that may be why he's always asking why.
I reckon it would be best for you both to break up (from your description at least)
Duty sounds about right.
He told me he's just so tired and exhausted by the relationship, and tired how we keep going in circles.
I know ending it is best but I feel so devastated right now.
I'm not taking sides here, but you need to also be supportive of him losing his brother. I also go through depression periods sometimes so I understand how you feel that sometimes you don't have enough support...but if I was him I would probably be the same, because for me family comes first in everything!! Although what he said is harsh and i don't think he should've said that! The last thing he wants at the moment is probably someone who's going to be talking about their own problems and illness (i know you cant help it, but he cant either!)....just wait a few weeks before you decide anything as all these external influences are affecting your decisions and how you feel about each other.
Personally, I'd say that this is a good time to have a 'break' from each other to calm down and think things through. Relationships are not easy- strong communication, affection and understanding is needed.....tbh I feel sorry for the both of you to be in such a situation...
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Personally, I'd say that this is a good time to have a 'break' from each other to calm down and think things through. Relationships are not easy- strong communication, affection and understanding is needed.....tbh I feel sorry for the both of you to be in such a situation...
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Original post by MsLoloshka
I'm not taking sides here, but you need to also be supportive of him losing his brother. I also go through depression periods sometimes so I understand how you feel that sometimes you don't have enough support...but if I was him I would probably be the same, because for me family comes first in everything!! Although what he said is harsh and i don't think he should've said that! The last thing he wants at the moment is probably someone who's going to be talking about their own problems and illness (i know you cant help it, but he cant either!)....just wait a few weeks before you decide anything as all these external influences are affecting your decisions and how you feel about each other.
Personally, I'd say that this is a good time to have a 'break' from each other to calm down and think things through. Relationships are not easy- strong communication, affection and understanding is needed.....tbh I feel sorry for the both of you to be in such a situation...
Posted from TSR Mobile
Personally, I'd say that this is a good time to have a 'break' from each other to calm down and think things through. Relationships are not easy- strong communication, affection and understanding is needed.....tbh I feel sorry for the both of you to be in such a situation...
Posted from TSR Mobile
I feel sorry for us both as well.
I love and care about him and I know the death of his brother is more pressing than my depression. I just don't know what to do. I might suggest taking some time apart, but I largely hate the idea of breaks. A break suggests we're not a team anymore, and we're literally running away from our problems.
I can tell you that people, who haven't suffered from depression in their lives, think it's just a state of being sad, they don't understand how serious it is and think that depressed people are depressed because they want to and they just make up the problems.
I think when he realizes it is not just a state of being sad but a serious disease, he would probably get more supportive. Actually, I had similar thing myself, by boyfriend just got tired of me being sad, of me crying, of me anxious, and I understood him, it's probably really difficult to be a round a person like that ( I lost my best friend as she said 'oh you just seem to be sad too often' but I can't really blame her - I was always sad and she had nicer people to spend time with). So what I started to do - I actually started being happy, I know it's not easy but think - here are also good things in your life, aren't here? If you have actual problems, wrIte them down on the sheet of paper, then divide them into smaller problems, that they consist of, write down solution for each problem. I did it and I was so relieved as you actually realize that EVERY problem has a solution! Just try not to concentrate on the bad sad - depression, medicines, try to concentrate on the good sad of your life - there must be wonderful things in your live for sure! Most importantly, don't stay inside all the time, go out even if you don't want to - it is always good to spend some time with other people. Just find activity that makes you feel good, make yourself busy (books, movies etc.), YOU CAN DO IT! You can overcome your disease, many people did it and you can also do it, I hope I helped at least a little bit, good luck!
I think when he realizes it is not just a state of being sad but a serious disease, he would probably get more supportive. Actually, I had similar thing myself, by boyfriend just got tired of me being sad, of me crying, of me anxious, and I understood him, it's probably really difficult to be a round a person like that ( I lost my best friend as she said 'oh you just seem to be sad too often' but I can't really blame her - I was always sad and she had nicer people to spend time with). So what I started to do - I actually started being happy, I know it's not easy but think - here are also good things in your life, aren't here? If you have actual problems, wrIte them down on the sheet of paper, then divide them into smaller problems, that they consist of, write down solution for each problem. I did it and I was so relieved as you actually realize that EVERY problem has a solution! Just try not to concentrate on the bad sad - depression, medicines, try to concentrate on the good sad of your life - there must be wonderful things in your live for sure! Most importantly, don't stay inside all the time, go out even if you don't want to - it is always good to spend some time with other people. Just find activity that makes you feel good, make yourself busy (books, movies etc.), YOU CAN DO IT! You can overcome your disease, many people did it and you can also do it, I hope I helped at least a little bit, good luck!
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Wonderer5
I can tell you that people, who haven't suffered from depression in their lives, think it's just a state of being sad, they don't understand how serious it is and think that depressed people are depressed because they want to and they just make up the problems.
I think when he realizes it is not just a state of being sad but a serious disease, he would probably get more supportive. Actually, I had similar thing myself, by boyfriend just got tired of me being sad, of me crying, of me anxious, and I understood him, it's probably really difficult to be a round a person like that ( I lost my best friend as she said 'oh you just seem to be sad too often' but I can't really blame her - I was always sad and she had nicer people to spend time with). So what I started to do - I actually started being happy, I know it's not easy but think - here are also good things in your life, aren't here? If you have actual problems, wrIte them down on the sheet of paper, then divide them into smaller problems, that they consist of, write down solution for each problem. I did it and I was so relieved as you actually realize that EVERY problem has a solution! Just try not to concentrate on the bad sad - depression, medicines, try to concentrate on the good sad of your life - there must be wonderful things in your live for sure! Most importantly, don't stay inside all the time, go out even if you don't want to - it is always good to spend some time with other people. Just find activity that makes you feel good, make yourself busy (books, movies etc.), YOU CAN DO IT! You can overcome your disease, many people did it and you can also do it, I hope I helped at least a little bit, good luck!
I think when he realizes it is not just a state of being sad but a serious disease, he would probably get more supportive. Actually, I had similar thing myself, by boyfriend just got tired of me being sad, of me crying, of me anxious, and I understood him, it's probably really difficult to be a round a person like that ( I lost my best friend as she said 'oh you just seem to be sad too often' but I can't really blame her - I was always sad and she had nicer people to spend time with). So what I started to do - I actually started being happy, I know it's not easy but think - here are also good things in your life, aren't here? If you have actual problems, wrIte them down on the sheet of paper, then divide them into smaller problems, that they consist of, write down solution for each problem. I did it and I was so relieved as you actually realize that EVERY problem has a solution! Just try not to concentrate on the bad sad - depression, medicines, try to concentrate on the good sad of your life - there must be wonderful things in your live for sure! Most importantly, don't stay inside all the time, go out even if you don't want to - it is always good to spend some time with other people. Just find activity that makes you feel good, make yourself busy (books, movies etc.), YOU CAN DO IT! You can overcome your disease, many people did it and you can also do it, I hope I helped at least a little bit, good luck!
Can I ask how long you've been with your boyfriend and if you're still with him?
Thanks a lot for the post.
The problem with chemical depression is that there really isn't much of a solution, but there are ways to help it, and I should start focusing on that. Right now the situation with my boyfriend is chewing at me and completely taking over my thoughts.Also, I don't think your ex best friend was in the right to leave you like that. On one hand is IS frustrating to deal with a depressed friend, but on the other people suffering from depression just want support.
Hey, thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm glad things are getting better for you and I'm glad you feel stronger. Every time I 'fight' my depression I do feel I'm a better person from it, and I've learned how to be a more compassionate person in general. My BF isn't suffering from depression, but his brother passed away 6 months ago and that must have taken its toll on what he can deal with right now.
Original post by genericporcupine
Can I ask how long you've been with your boyfriend and if you're still with him?
Thanks a lot for the post. The problem with chemical depression is that there really isn't much of a solution, but there are ways to help it, and I should start focusing on that. Right now the situation with my boyfriend is chewing at me and completely taking over my thoughts.
Also, I don't think your ex best friend was in the right to leave you like that. On one hand is IS frustrating to deal with a depressed friend, but on the other people suffering from depression just want support.
Thanks a lot for the post.
The problem with chemical depression is that there really isn't much of a solution, but there are ways to help it, and I should start focusing on that. Right now the situation with my boyfriend is chewing at me and completely taking over my thoughts.Also, I don't think your ex best friend was in the right to leave you like that. On one hand is IS frustrating to deal with a depressed friend, but on the other people suffering from depression just want support.
Sure
We are still together, have been together for a year and 6 months. I have to say, that when I was changing, he was also changing. I became more cheerful, he became more supportive and etc. And he often says that I changed a lot and it's so much better to see me in this way, our relationship got muuuch better. And definitely the same can happen with your relationship! Best luck!About my ex best-friend, yeah, I actually agree with you, but I went to uni, she also did, she got many new friends at uni + distance so that's how it happened..
Forgot one thing - try to meditate! Do it with music / without music/ with candle(s) / without candles just want the best way for you to meditate, believe me, it definitely 'clears' the mind and helps body to relax.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by P1234R
As said, depression is very hard for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand. I'm thankful that I'm in this position myself, but I find this little blog post is very good at explaining it a bit better. Maybe try showing that to your boyfriend.
Heh, I sent him that link a few weeks ago. All I got back was a "Okay, I read it."
Original post by genericporcupine
Apologies for the long post.
Today I went to see my doctor, after feeling extremely low in the last few months. I (23F) have been suffering from recurring depression since I was 16/17. I've been on meds and seen several counsellors, and I can feel okay for a few months, but in general I'm quite low, and sometimes I feel awful for long periods of time. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. At the beginning he knew about my depression, but I wasn't too bad then. I was on meds, but came off them.
Last nine months have been horrible. I was jobless, his brother passed away in November, and our relationship has been disintegrating. When his brother died we lost our closeness. He said some harsh things (which he doesn't remember), and I was falling into depression much quicker. I've only started talking about my depression with him in the last few months, but he has been really unsupportive of it, saying things like "Isn't it just you being sad?" and always asking the reason WHY I feel depressed. He's very practical, and get frustrated easily. Today my doctor suggested I have chemical depression, but also my circumstances haven't helped much. My doctor is going to try counselling first, then maybe meds in a month if I feel I want to try (I strongly expressed I DON'T want meds again).
I was talking to my boyfriend today, and told him what I discussed with my doctor. His first words were "Well if you know it's just chemical, you should be okay," but he was very cold when talking to me. He told me he doesn't like speaking to me on the phone anymore, because all I seem to talk about is being sad. In reality, I want to talk about normal things, but my boyfriend makes me sad because he barely shows me affection except in real life (we're in a long-distance relationship). He doesn't really tell me he loves me or misses me anymore, or says loving things to me in general. When I told him this he said he just -doesn't- feel affectionately towards me, because I'm always sad. I told him my depression has been really bad lately, and I need support, not criticism. I asked if he's willing to support me and he said "Well I have to."
We've had conversations like this for the last few months with no improvement. His reasons for not being affectionate is because he said he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, yet this perpetuates my sadness. He said he loves me, but it doesn't feel the same as before. He told me he'd come to my first counselling session, to try and understand better. When I mentioned breaking up, he really didn't want to, and then acted like he really wanted to see me this weekend. I told him I'll see if I want to visit.
I just feel so lost. I understand a depressed partner isn't easy, but I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't really support me. I felt heart broken when he said he doesn't feel affectionately towards me anymore. I'm still the same person, but I have an illness.
I'm going to wait a day or two before deciding for sure whether I want to end things. I don't really want to but there's a lack of communication between us now, and I honestly don't feel I have to 'justify' why I deserve to be loved. I really don't know what to do though.
Today I went to see my doctor, after feeling extremely low in the last few months. I (23F) have been suffering from recurring depression since I was 16/17. I've been on meds and seen several counsellors, and I can feel okay for a few months, but in general I'm quite low, and sometimes I feel awful for long periods of time. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. At the beginning he knew about my depression, but I wasn't too bad then. I was on meds, but came off them.
Last nine months have been horrible. I was jobless, his brother passed away in November, and our relationship has been disintegrating. When his brother died we lost our closeness. He said some harsh things (which he doesn't remember), and I was falling into depression much quicker. I've only started talking about my depression with him in the last few months, but he has been really unsupportive of it, saying things like "Isn't it just you being sad?" and always asking the reason WHY I feel depressed. He's very practical, and get frustrated easily. Today my doctor suggested I have chemical depression, but also my circumstances haven't helped much. My doctor is going to try counselling first, then maybe meds in a month if I feel I want to try (I strongly expressed I DON'T want meds again).
I was talking to my boyfriend today, and told him what I discussed with my doctor. His first words were "Well if you know it's just chemical, you should be okay," but he was very cold when talking to me. He told me he doesn't like speaking to me on the phone anymore, because all I seem to talk about is being sad. In reality, I want to talk about normal things, but my boyfriend makes me sad because he barely shows me affection except in real life (we're in a long-distance relationship). He doesn't really tell me he loves me or misses me anymore, or says loving things to me in general. When I told him this he said he just -doesn't- feel affectionately towards me, because I'm always sad. I told him my depression has been really bad lately, and I need support, not criticism. I asked if he's willing to support me and he said "Well I have to."
We've had conversations like this for the last few months with no improvement. His reasons for not being affectionate is because he said he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, yet this perpetuates my sadness. He said he loves me, but it doesn't feel the same as before. He told me he'd come to my first counselling session, to try and understand better. When I mentioned breaking up, he really didn't want to, and then acted like he really wanted to see me this weekend. I told him I'll see if I want to visit.
I just feel so lost. I understand a depressed partner isn't easy, but I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't really support me. I felt heart broken when he said he doesn't feel affectionately towards me anymore. I'm still the same person, but I have an illness.
I'm going to wait a day or two before deciding for sure whether I want to end things. I don't really want to but there's a lack of communication between us now, and I honestly don't feel I have to 'justify' why I deserve to be loved. I really don't know what to do though.
I was in the position of your partner for 2 years with a depressed woman. What he's going through sounds exactly the same emotions I dealt with during that time. He most likely does care, but when there is no structural cause to the sadness, it becomes difficult to try and root the problems and sympathise. Ultimately I got tired and apathetic by the end of the relationship, because everyday I was trying to help my partner to be happy with little success, and that inevitably effects your own well-being as well. I was barely sleeping (she would call me at 4 in the morning for 'chats'), and since I have an issue where I don't eat well during long periods of stress, my health suffered as well.
The main problem I can see right now is that your relationship is long-distance. This was a serious obstacle in mine as well; talking on the phone eventually becomes meaningless when the only thing you want to do is hold each other and it is the only thing that can help. See if you can change this, or organise a better arrangement. If not, I'm afraid that the absence of your partner is probably contributing to the depression (my former partner admitted this was a factor as well). Perhaps give him some time to think things over as well, that's always a good policy. All the best and I hope you feel better soon
Sometimes as well you have to help yourself, recognise the symptoms and tell yourself no I am not going to think like that.
I've been on both sides of the condition- receiver and supporter and I must say it is something you have to tackle alone at the end of the day. It is frustrating when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves. By this I mean goes around the same circle again and again and doesn't listen to any advice given. I've been that person too, and eventually I realised I needed to get out but the only person who could do that was me. I denied it a lot at first but you get desperate to the point that you'll try anything.
As much as I wished there was, there is no magic wand cure. It's down to you to change your triggers and environment and prevent/control the signs.
I've been on both sides of the condition- receiver and supporter and I must say it is something you have to tackle alone at the end of the day. It is frustrating when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves. By this I mean goes around the same circle again and again and doesn't listen to any advice given. I've been that person too, and eventually I realised I needed to get out but the only person who could do that was me. I denied it a lot at first but you get desperate to the point that you'll try anything.
As much as I wished there was, there is no magic wand cure. It's down to you to change your triggers and environment and prevent/control the signs.
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