Bisexual and slurs

So my current girlfriend I've been with for a little while, and it's been great and all.

But one problem sort of cropped up.
She has a problem with bisexuals (which I am) and I mean we were watching a movie, and she said "oh that guy is really hot" and I agreed with her. So she looked at me quizzically and asked "Are you Bi by any chance?" and I mean we've been together for almost 2 months, but it's just never come up. So in the moment I just said "no I'm not", and just carried on watching the movie.

Anyway she then started saying things were "gay" and using things like that as an insult, which actually I think is just immature and just hate it, not because I'm bi, but more because is shows a lack of personality and shows bigotry also it kind of insults a whole community of people, that really have never deserved to be demeaned in any way at all.

But I mean I really like her, all that to the side, everything is great, we have a great time together, and we just really click, and I wouldn't go as far as saying I love her, because it hasn't gone that far, but I still think that maybe we could have something in the future.

I know I should tell her about these 2 things that really bother me, I know I should definitely tell her about the second thing.
But about me being Bi, I mean it has only come up once so far, so maybe I could carry on like this, without it changing anything, because I'm with her because I really have feelings for her, and maybe the reason I feel like this is because of the honeymoon period.

But really my question is, what do you guys think about my situation?
Because I am stuck between staying secure in knowing I can stay with her but keeping it a secret?
Or
Telling her and risk losing her?

AHHHH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING!

Just... Help?

Reply 1

WishfulDesire

I think you should tell her. I dated my boyfriend for about 7 months before I told him I was bi. It never came up in conversation and he was rather irrate about it but we love each other so it wasn't something that mattered.

If she wants to make the relationship work she'll stick around. If she doesn't, she's not worth the effort if she will act that petty and childish as this isn't a big deal, you've chosen to commit to her so it doesn't matter if you find some men attractive too, she's your girlfriend. Nothing happens. It's exactly the same as if you just found women attractive.

Reply 2

Mr Porter

I think it's one of the difficult things about being bi, gay (not straight), that you need to constantly 'come-out' when you meet new people. I still find it awkward myself.

In terms of the gay slur thing, I would totally bring her up on it. Just say it as it is: it's immature and, no matter what people think, still derogatory even if she doesn't mean it like that. Perhaps that would be a good moment to tell her you are bi?

But you're under no obligation to come out so it all depends on whether you think you'd be more comfortable if she knew. Are you worried she may take it the wrong way? If so, I think you need to ask yourself whether you're willing to date someone who has an issue with that.

Reply 3

Katie_p

I think you should have said when she asked, you've now made it much more difficult to do.
From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she has a problem with it at all, she just uses the word gay as many people do as an insult, because she's never known anyone to be offended by it. I use it as as an insult sometimes and I'm bi, very out, and offended by homophobic attitudes.

I'd speak to her, because sexuality is a hugely important part of who you are, and if she DOES have a problem with it, there's no point getting emotionally invested in her. Chances are she doesn't, and you can clear up any misunderstandings before they have a chance to brew bad feeling.

Reply 4

DuncanMono

I think you should tell her then at a later point during a row it won't come out as a lie you have told her.

Also on a personal note, if she's a cow why would you want to be with her?>

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by DuncanMono

I think you should tell her then at a later point during a row it won't come out as a lie you have told her.

Also on a personal note, if she's a cow why would you want to be with her?>

Where did I say she was a cow?

Other than what I have already stater, she's kind of amazing...

Reply 6

Misstery

Yeah, like I'd go as far to say the majority of people who use the word 'gay' probably aren't actually homophobic, it's just become a separate word with its own meaning. There's gay people who use it, gay activists who use it, it's kinda a meaningless thing now. Is that the only reason you think she has a problem with bisexuals?

Reply 7

DuncanMono

Original post by Anonymous

Where did I say she was a cow?

Other than what I have already stater, she's kind of amazing...

You didn't say she was a cow, I was inferring that from when you said, she made a point of gay bashing after she asked if you were bi.

Reply 8

tory88

If you're not being honest with her it's like you aren't committed to the relationship. Tell her. There's no point getting hung up on words people use - if there's no malice behind using the word gay it isn't any indicator of homophobia.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by Misstery

She kind of does.
I guess I should have mentioned this in the original post, but her family is predominantly christian... And I don't know, they've stopped her seeing people before because they were Bi, but I'm not completely sure about what her outlook on the whole thing is.

And now I think about it, I actually realise how much of an idiot I'm being ><

Reply 10

MancStudent098

Original post by Anonymous

I'd tell her, if she's going to break up with you because you're Bi then is she really the kind of person you want to stay with? If she doesn't have a problem then you've taken a load off your mind and been honest.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 11

gagaslilmonsteruk

It's your choice at the end of the day, but I think you should tell her. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness and be someone who you're not just because she is extremely immature and prejudiced about people who are not heteronormative.

Reply 12

MelanieDickson

Original post by Anonymous

I don't think you have to tell her you're bisexual. Ever, really. I mean it's not like it really matters at all if you're committed.

But the homophobia thing is different...I think that's something that's worth bringing up. Whether she knows your orientation or not, you don't want to spend your life with a bigoted person. That one isn't really about you, its discriminating against others. Try to get her take on it and expose her to other views. My boyfriend is a Christian too and he has no problem with homosexuality, so it isn't an exclusively religious thing. Whether she takes it out on you or not, you're always going to feel crap when she spouts these views and embarrassed when she shares them with others, so best to get it early, while the relationship is young and can be molded.