The Student Room Group

Social Confidence...

Hey, lately ive been lacking self-confidence and feel down and a lack of sociability.
Having never been a great social person i feel bad now when it is weeks without going out, AS exam study leave, i didnt go out except for exams the first week, half term i went out once for 2 hours with friends, and this week i wont be out.
Its not im studying all the time (although i have done a fair amount) its just i feel inadequate to socialise. The main friendship group im in is 2 guys my best mates, and 3 females, there are others but there the core in my eyes. I like to talk to all of them, but i just cant.
As i said 2 hours we were out some girls n couple guys id met only once, i was quiet talking when talked to and sometimes so quiet nobody could hear. But im not always aware i do it, like my friend said i always sit further away than anyone else, habit not purpose.

When me and one person im fine i hate awkward silence and i go for it, as soon as one more person i just listen im normally happy listening to others but it gives off an anti-social image. I dont want this.

Ive never been particularly close with any friend which doesnt help, and things tend to get bottled up.
also i wish i could approach new people, who i may not necessarily have any communcation with at all or totally new people who i see around me. But if i cant talk to my own friends group how do i talk to new people?

The reason im posting this now is theres an end of exam party coming up soon and well im terrified, although i ease a bit with alcohol im still uncomfortable and often seen at the edge even away from my friends group.
so ways to make it easier to talk to them and other new people would be appreciated.

PS 17 male and at 6th form college.

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Reply 1
there is no magic way to make it easier as its all down to you. you could try forget about what they might think of you (negativly) and just go for it. imagine the group situations as single conversations, concentrate on just one person
Reply 2
before i talk or do something i think bout it, if i could see an embarassing awkward or negative situation i dont do it, hence no spontaneous actions which most people do.

I try and sometimes im alrite, just sometimes im really anti-social. Mood, stress and other things effect it. I just wish i could manage a day of proper conversations and interaction that most people enjoy at college.
Reply 3
its easier said than done i know but don't think about it. you seem to be focusing on negative outcomes, imagine the good that will come from it.
you clearly want it so just go for it. whats the worst that could happen?
Reply 4
why did i get a Dr Pepper theme tune rining then? :p:
Reply 5
why did i get a Dr Pepper theme tune rining then? :p:
thanks for the advice im gna try, just its no overnight change, ive tried other things before, including shifts in friends group.
I personally want it sorted if not ASAP then by the time i finish college as i dont want to end it being this way, but step at at ime first confidence in friends.
Reply 6
obviusly it wont just happen, it will take time. just set your sight and what you want and good look to you :smile:
Anonymous
Hey, lately ive been lacking self-confidence and feel down and a lack of sociability.
Having never been a great social person i feel bad now when it is weeks without going out, AS exam study leave, i didnt go out except for exams the first week, half term i went out once for 2 hours with friends, and this week i wont be out.
Its not im studying all the time (although i have done a fair amount) its just i feel inadequate to socialise. The main friendship group im in is 2 guys my best mates, and 3 females, there are others but there the core in my eyes. I like to talk to all of them, but i just cant.
As i said 2 hours we were out some girls n couple guys id met only once, i was quiet talking when talked to and sometimes so quiet nobody could hear. But im not always aware i do it, like my friend said i always sit further away than anyone else, habit not purpose.

When me and one person im fine i hate awkward silence and i go for it, as soon as one more person i just listen im normally happy listening to others but it gives off an anti-social image. I dont want this.

Ive never been particularly close with any friend which doesnt help, and things tend to get bottled up.
also i wish i could approach new people, who i may not necessarily have any communcation with at all or totally new people who i see around me. But if i cant talk to my own friends group how do i talk to new people?

The reason im posting this now is theres an end of exam party coming up soon and well im terrified, although i ease a bit with alcohol im still uncomfortable and often seen at the edge even away from my friends group.
so ways to make it easier to talk to them and other new people would be appreciated.

PS 17 male and at 6th form college.

I'm like you, but older, slightly, and I regret not making more of an effort earlier. Just take the plunge. You just need to forget what you are doing and open your mouth without thinking.

Very much easier said than done, but once you start a conversation and so on it is a lot easier to continue with it (I find at least)
Reply 8
Yeah i can see the advantage of talking without thnking - odd most people say think before you talk :P: - its just im a keen thinker, i weigh situations in my head and things. And people do respect my thoughts and come to me for thoughts and advice, normally on msn or forums so its easy for me, msn i can talk to anyone in the world and not care. Same person 20min later in person i lock up.

Free-fall speach i shall try, and have an idea of similar interests ahead i guess
Anonymous
Yeah i can see the advantage of talking without thnking - odd most people say think before you talk :P: - its just im a keen thinker, i weigh situations in my head and things. And people do respect my thoughts and come to me for thoughts and advice, normally on msn or forums so its easy for me, msn i can talk to anyone in the world and not care. Same person 20min later in person i lock up.

Free-fall speach i shall try, and have an idea of similar interests ahead i guess

Yes, but if you are anything like me you think too much. You consider all the options of how others will view you and what they will think and how they might react etc etc... and what it means is that you end up saying nothing.

If I can advise one thing based on my own problems it is to forget about what other people think and don't assume that they don't want to talk to you. I've always done that and it's hurt me socially big time.
Reply 10
thats 100% my problem. People assure u otherwise but still theres doubt. Thanks, its good to know others have had and overcome the exact problem. Hope yet :smile:
Anonymous
thats 100% my problem. People assure u otherwise but still theres doubt. Thanks, its good to know others have had and overcome the exact problem. Hope yet :smile:

I wouldn't say overcome. I'm working on it, and am a lot lot better than once I was. But no you are certainly not alone. I find though, that if Im in the right mood then I'm ok and can take the plunge. Particularly at the start of the year I am fine... then I start to get lax and quieten up again and it gets worse and worse.

Self confidence is an issue most teenagers have, however much it may appear otherwise. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. Maybe join clubs and stuff, or meet people via friends that you know, so that you at least have some grounding for starting a conversation.

I've discovered that it's all very well waiting for others to start the conversation, but often they don't, and you just miss out. Don't fall into the trap I did :smile:. Just go to school/ college tomorrow and force yourself to take every opportunity to spoeak to people. Just walk straight up to them and say "hi", without thinking. You will feel so good when you do :smile:
Reply 12
Yeah saying hi does work, especially if they say hi back. If im in a good mood to begin with its a quirk of mine it keeps me happy, but its never more than hi. Except if im holding a door and get a thank you then i say no problem. Really does make me feel more happy or confident, as wierd as it sounds. But if i was to then talk to them properly my brain stops me, as i cant see any problem for holding a door or saying hi, but talking may be too far.
And i dont want to waste these years either, some of the people ive been in contact with daily for 12 years, so to waste it at the end by being too shy just seem rediculous to me.
Reply 13
Awh, I hope you feel better soon =]
Reply 14
wow thanks, i feel better just saying my problem and getting a response. Being shy means i wont open up to my friends with this though it must be clear i have a problem with confidence. Thanks guys
Reply 15
Anonymous
wow thanks, i feel better just saying my problem and getting a response. Being shy means i wont open up to my friends with this though it must be clear i have a problem with confidence. Thanks guys

Do you talk to your friends online? It is often easier to open up to people if you are not talking to them in person. Once you've told them to start with then it will be easier to bring it up in future in real life.
Reply 16
it is easier, but if it should come up in person i would most likely elude hte conversation or just pass it off as a one off thing although clearly not.
calm down and loosen up. Just go out and enjoy yourself, no1 cares if you make a cock of yourself or anything. And like that other guy said, if you dont do something now, youll probably be here in 2 years time wishing u had done something 2 years ago.
Reply 18
hmm, i have to try and get random people in the street to fill out a questionnaire for a project. It's fair to say i'm not looking forward to it. At all. Will just have to try and force myself to do it. Should be fun...
Anyway, yeah as others have said, not an unusual situation.
Try an observation technique. Look at your groups of friends and see who you most admire for their social skills. Watch how they interact with everybody, how they achieve their confidence. Then try and copy their actions when you interact.

Also, have a look at your social confidence when interacting with your family. What are you like when having a meal together? Are you more chatty than with your friends?