Drugs ruining a relationship

My boyfriend is taking drugs and I don't know what to do about it :frown:

My boyfriend and me have been together for 5 years and for the first 3 years everything was great. Then my boyfriend started to smoke cannabis, I was fine with this as he only did it at the weekend, just a small joint with friends and I didn't see any problem with it. That went on for a few months and I thought that the 'phase' would burn itself out, that he would get bored with smoking pot and that everything would go back to the way it was.

After a few months my boyfriend started to smoke pot more frequently. He would smoke it when I was there, just like he was smoking a cigarette. At first it was small joint, then he started on big joints packed full of weed throughout the day. He would get me to drive him in the middle of the night to pick some up from his 'dealer' and would spend all night smoking away. I begged him to cut down, to just smoke it at the weekend or something but he wouldn't listen. He started to get into fights when he went out, he even beat a man for no reason and turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the night because the police had chased him.

Then he started to take E. We went out one night and we ended up meeting one of his friends who had been taking coke and who had pills on him. We went back to my boyfriends house and he took a pill. After that he was taking pills every weekend. I begged him to stop, I said that I would tolerate weed but I wouldn't tolerate pills or coke, however I never went so far as finishing with him.

He would take pills all the time and he changed, he was depressed all the time and I found myself drifting away from him. He kept trying to pressurise me into smoking weed and one night I gave in but ended up really ill.

Anyway....I ended up in hospital last week and I found out that while I was in there him and his friend spent 5 days in a row taking pills. My boyfriend was very ill and depressed afterwards and I ended up coaching him through it just a day after leaving hospital. He then got very aggressive with me because I couldn't go and see him because I was ill and now we are hardly speaking to each-other. I asked him if he could promise me that he'd never take pills again and he said he couldn't. I begged him and he still said he couldn't promise me that he won't take pills again and he said he will continue to smoke weed.

I just don't know what to do. I can't stay in a relationship that revolves around drugs and I can't take the fear I have that I'm going to get a phone call to say that he's in hospital from taking E, or worse that it could kill him.
It seems like drugs are more important to him than me but I don't want to throw away a 5 year relationship on a whim. Really I just wanted advice because this is really getting me down.

Reply 1

George Agdgdgwngo

It seems that you have done everything you could possibly do. The fact is people will take drugs if they want to and nearly no-one can influence their decision. I think you should get rid of him as he doesn't really show you any respect by what you have said. As you said, he's probably more interested in the drugs than you.

Reply 2

rosieposy87

I think you know what you have to do but you're just too afraid to admit it yet. The situation probably isn't going to change anytime soon- and if you have begged him to stop and he hasn't then this is going to continue. It isn't fair on you to compromise yourself by going out with someone who is a drug addict. You deserve better than this (and i think you know that too). This wouldn't be throwing away a 5 year relationship on a 'whim' this would be carefully considering what's best for yourself and deciding that life would be better without someone you barely know anymore. There's no point in hanging onto what was because those days aren't coming back- right now you're going out with a drug addict, and i know you don't want that for yourself.

Reply 3

Joce

You are not throwing away your relationship. You have tried to help him and get him to cut down but he obviously doesnt want to take your advice. Ive been in the situation of friends that once they get in a downward spiral of any kind of drugs it is hard to stop unless they really want to change their habits. If he wants to ruin his health, blow all of his money aswel as your relationship, that his choice to make. You shouldnt allow yourself to go down that road with him as hard as it may be to let him go. . It gets to the point with an addict where the next high is more important than anything else. At this point in time he is choosing drugs over you and you deserve better than that. I know you are worried about geting a call saying that hes harmed himself from doing drugs but hes very aware of of what he is jepodising everytime he does it. You cant allow the fear of him harming himsef to trap you in a relationship where you are clearly unhappy. I hope you get this sorted out

Reply 4

username47781

Hardest part is him admitting he has a problem, but you need to tell him hes ruining the relationship, and him pressuring you is way out of order, basically tell him either seek help which you would support him or tell him if it doesn't then dump him maybe that will wake him up, i know you don't wanna throw 5 years away but think about it he's destroying your self esteem and his habit is filthy, do you really want this.

Reply 5

Phonicsdude

Your boyfriend is an idiot and shouldnt be allowed near drugs.

Reply 6

mangomaz

Phonicsdude

Your boyfriend is an idiot and shouldnt be allowed near drugs.

^^ What he said.
If he doesnt seem to realise theres a problem thats the biggest thing. He seems to have a bit of an obsessive nature which is not the best thing to mix with drugs..

Reply 7

jd27

Have you considered leaving him, but giving him the window that, if he kicks the drugs (all of them) for a certain number of months, you'll consider taking him back? You're letting him have control of you and the relationship, and he is obviously out of control. You need to be decisive, and firm.

Reply 8

Jessie lilmizditz

Hey,
I can sympathise with you to some extent, my man used to smoke weed alot when I first met him, and he had a long history with it. He never really touched anything else, but he would smoke every day. At the time I still smoked myself and would smoke some with him when I fancied it. I also used to do pills before I met him but nipped this in the bud ages ago. So anyway, it wasnt technically a prob at first cos we did it together, but I gave it up for personal reasons, and also because I didnt like what I was seeing with him and didnt want to play my part in encouraging him.
He would have a joint to help him sleep in the end, even when we were cuddling and well chilled ou anyway. The prob is that weed in and of itself becomes psychologically addictive for many people, and my man certainly used it as a crutch; he leaned on it. It ended up causing massive problems and was a contributing factor to us now spending time apart.
He has to recognise the problem for hisself and do something about it. Until he reaches that point there is very little you can do to influence the situation, and trust, it sounds like you have done nothing but try to be there and support him. In the long run you will get low self esteem if he keeps treating you like this, and putting drugs before you. Move on and if the guy has any sense he will sort himself out and realise he can't have his j and smoke it and expect it to cause no probs.

Good luck,

Jess xxxx

Reply 9

sparkly_tiara

I really really feel for you, i honestly do. I can see just how much of a bad situation you are in, and its not your fault. I know its easy for other people to say "leave him", but after 5 years i can see that you are very much in love with him. However, you do deserve much, much more than this. Unfortunatley, if he wont admit he has a problem, then you are stuck. Any advice you give him wont work if he doesn't want help. There was one thing that stuck out to me in your post- the fact that he wouldn't promise you he wouldn't do drugs again. You could look at that in two ways, but to me it appeared as though he wasnt prepared to lie to you, which shows he still cares about you. I feel that you should tell him you want a break, suggest to him that he gets professional help for his addiction, and whilst you will be there to support him during this time, it is something that he needs to sort out for himself.

You have been through a great deal with your boyfriends addiction, and i really admire you for trying to make it work, but i feel you have done all you can do for him really. He has to want to change. You are clearly unhappy with the way things are, so remember to put your happiness first for a change okay?

Oh, one last thing that popped into my head... do you know why he takes the drugs? Has he suffered a major loss in his life, been through some trauma, suffer depression? If that was established, it might make his possible recovery easier, e.g counselling might be able to work at getting to the route of the problem.

Let us know how things get on, and if you ever want a chat, just send a PM!

All the best,
Lou
xxx

Reply 10

Aeris

I know this may seem harsh, but, for right now, you have to do the best thing for you before you BOTH end up being addicted. You already gave in once. Just be completely honest and say you need to end the relationship for your own health.

I know you may feel the urge to try and save him. However, he's got to learn that he needs to stop doing drugs on his own. Break up now before it's too late. Give him a number to one of those drug users anonymous help lines. Find friends who will support your decision and talk to them.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Thanks a lot everyone, I thought it was just me blowing things out of proportion but now I realise that there is a serious problem with my relationship.

After I read some of your posts I texted him to ask him what was happening to us and he sent a few nasty messages saying things like nothing changes between us, that I haven't wanted to see him (I'm ill!) etc so I just told him that I cannot speak to him when he's acting like this and left it. I then called him tonight and tried to speak to him but he hardly answered me so I asked him whether he even wanted to be on the phone, to which he just mumbled so I put the phone down on him.

I really need time to think, it's like my mind is racing and I'm worried that if I finish with him then he's just going to go out and take pills, and God knows what will happen to him then :frown:

I think I'm just gonna take a few days away from him and decide what to do but thank you all so much, everything you all said made a lot of sense :smile: