Need help with this Head Boy sentence Please :)

(edited 10 years ago)

Hey guys, I'm writing a Head Boy Application, and I need a good sentence to head up my final paragraph. Right now, my sentence is "I leave you with this last thought. I am a friendly, capable student, who thrives when presented with a challenge". I find that first sentence really grates for some reason, any recommendations? Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to go

Thanks !

We can't really give you decent suggestions without seeing the final paragraph..

Reply 2

Llewellyn

Original post by SMASTER1

[INDENT] Hey guys, I'm writing a Head Boy Application, and I need a good sentence to head up my final paragraph. Right now, my sentence is "I leave you with this last thought. I am a friendly, capable student, who thrives when presented with a challenge". I find that first sentence really grates for some reason, any recommendations? Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to go

Thanks !

[/INDENT]

I would either remove the bolded sentence entirely, or go with something more subtle such as "to summarise, I am a friendly..." or "I hope this speech has shown that I am a friendly...."

There is no need to announce that you will leave them with a thought - it will probably either seem awkward or a bit pretentious.

Reply 3

SMASTER1

Original post by .:Twilight:.

We can't really give you decent suggestions without seeing the final paragraph..

Fair enough, here's the para:

I leave you with this last thought.I am a friendly, capable student who thrives when presented with a challenge. I would welcome this chance to Head the school student population, and feel that both the school and I would benefit from this appointment. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 4

ryanb97

I remember ending mine with a Quote ... I got Deputy Head Boy though :biggrin:

Ryan

Reply 5

Mimir

Does it need to be so long?

Don't try and carry too much favour - there is the same problem at universities: "I'm going to lower the price of Strongbow in the Bar.......and single handedly bring down Nestlé." Yeah right.

Saying "I leave you with this final thought" would make me turn off to be honest, just say what this final thought is. It's quite a good ending.

Reply 6

booooomblastruin

Original post by SMASTER1

Thanks

Exactly, it just feels pretentious.

I think you should take a gamble and make it so pretentious that it becomes a self-parody. Throw in 'excellence', 'endeavour' and 'pinnacle' as well as a bit of google- translated latin. Oh and don't forget to say: 'I am not arrogant; I am too good for that' :biggrin:

Reply 7

SMASTER1

Original post by Mimir

Thanks a lot, so maybe: To summarise: I am a friendly, capable student who thrives when presented with a challenge. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

Reply 8

Mimir

Original post by SMASTER1

Thanks a lot, so maybe: To summarise: I am a friendly, capable student who thrives when presented with a challenge. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

I wouldn't even say 'to summarise'. If you want an intro to your last 'bit' then you could say I would like to think of myself as a friendly, capable student, who thrives when presented with a challenge. I am proud and grateful for the opportunities our School gives us, and would cherish this position.

How about that? You could always think about something in there about being approachable or making sure you communicate student issues clearly to the headmaster/mistress or whatever?

...not like I've been involved on thestaff side of voting for a Head Boy... :ninja:

Reply 9

Mimir

Original post by SMASTER1

Thanks, think I see what you mean. So what about this: I am a friendly, capable student, who thrives when presented with a challenge. I would welcome the chance to Head the school student population, and feel that both the school and I would benefit from this appointment. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

It has to reflect you, not me. So I shall leave you to tinker with it. No matter what you say, there will always be some nobs that snigger, so say what you mean but don't be dramatic.

It reads fine but you say what you feel you should. I'm just casting my opinion :smile:

Reply 10

Mimir

Original post by SMASTER1

Good point, thanks :smile:

I'm at that horrible stage where I just can't stop going over it.. :/

That's fine. Be confident and try to stay calm. Speak slowly, and don't make wild repetitive gestures or shift your weight on your feet. Command the floor but don't be arrogant. Act as if you already are Head Boy.

You'll be fine, good luck.

Reply 11

Nellietheelephant

I changed mine every day when I was doing the head girl speeches at school. (I didn't get it, but I did get the equivalent role in college, where we didn't do any speeches and my tactic was going round the students handing out ballot papers and telling them my name. Then returning the papers. But by that stage no-one cared anyway). It largely depends on you as a person - most of those voting will know you and others standing and the speeches will have little effect on the result - though that depends on who is voting.

Reply 12

Jkn

Original post by SMASTER1

To summarise: I am a friendly, capable student who thrives when presented with a challenge. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

*Just my opinion*
Hmm, I think 'To summarise' sounds rather lacking in emotion and unfitting with the rest of the paragraph. I would also say that using words like 'thrives', 'challenge' as well as over-modification such as 'friendly, capable' make a piece of writing seem rather formulaic in situations where you are trying to express creativity and originality. Another small thing I will suggest is altering the syntax in your last line (a few extra syllables would help to avoid any sense of anti-climax).

Original post by SMASTER1

...I leave you with this last thought. I am a friendly, capable student who thrives when presented with a challenge. I would welcome this chance to Head the school student population, and feel that both the school and I would benefit from this appointment. I am extremely passionate about my school, and would cherish this position.

I much prefer this. I like the direct address ('I leave you with this thought'), though you may want to fiddle with it, as well as the middle line. How about something like:

I leave you with this. As both an active member of the school community and a student who excels when put under pressure, I naturally welcome the opportunity to Head the student population. I feel strongly that my passionate commitment to this school and its students, combined with the hard work and enthusiasm I demonstrate in all aspects of my life, mean that the school are likely to benefit equally from this appointment.

Reply 13

Jkn

Original post by SMASTER1

Thankyou very much, that's really useful, and thankyou everyone else for all your replies- very helpful. I feel like a prize idiot, I should have said that I'm preparing a letter, not a speech. I think you understood this but I'm not sure everyone else did- my fault completely :smile:

No worries :smile:

Haha, yes I assumed that that was the case! :')