Am I being gaslighted or am i mentally unwell?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#1
One of my previous boyfriends used to always say things to me such as if he had done something wrong and I was upset about it, that i was being 'irrational' and 'crazy' and that being upset about it wasnt 'normal' and I was only upset or reacting that way because i had 'depression'. these sort of things really effected me, i didnt know what to think, and being 'in love' I believed him. so when his friends mocked me or were horrible to me, i couldnt be upset about it because that was 'abnormal'. i eventually broke up with him, he was heartbroken and knew what to say to hurt my feelings, and said things such as 'everyone says they dont like you' and would always taunt me by saying that one of my friends had said something bad about me, but he would never say who said it (most likely no one did) but his aim was to make me not trust any of my friends, accuse them of these imaginary things so that his crap about me being 'mentally unwell' looked to be true.

i think all of that is still effecting me now, years later. as a result i have driven away the majority of my friends. i dont trust anyone. i feel like everyone is out to get me and that anyone who is my friend must be eventually going to hurt me or is deceitful in some form. this has led to me causing arguments and conflict and lashing out at people. and they dont understand, they think im just being horrible or that theres 'something wrong' with me. which is very frustrating because im torn between reality and not being able to trust people, thinking they must all be lying. i know my ex played on my insecurities and said these things so that it became a self fulfilling prophecy, but i want to know how to change and if this is a real mental illness i have or whether this is something i can get over by myself.

i will have random outbursts or feelings of overwhelming sadness, crying for no reason, and its like i become a different person, but its not something i can just shake off or break free from, its like it takes over me, i argue with people and get upset and act overly sensitive. its really effecting my friendships. and i dont know how to make it stop. these will happen every couple of days or so. then i will suddenly just become 'normal' again and i try to repair things but people either dont want to know or they're "fed up" of me. i feel like im really struggling with this because i dont want to end up isolating myself.

i have been to my doctors and due to a past history of feeling depressed and being on antidepressants, she said i should come off my contraceptive pill (i believed that when i PMS'd i became extreme in these moods). i feel like i havent really had any support.. last year i attempted suicide and nothing has been said or done. whereas a friend of mines told me they are getting CBT and regularly see a therapist, when they have never attempted suicide and have no intention to, they just feel low occasionally. i feel like if i go back to the doctors i wont be taken seriously or listened to. my mother has a mental illness and i feel a great anxiety that im turning into her. but as my title suggests, i dont know if this is all stemming from the gaslighting or if i genuinely have something wrong with me, or if that has caused me to have something wrong with me.
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Ladders
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Report 8 years ago
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1 . your ex sounds like a manipulative, petty little lowlife and you are better off without him. Don't believe his lies he's only trying to hurt you, like sour grapes. His friends behaviour towards you is indicative to how he talks about you; with no respect it sounds like. Someone who loves you doesn't deliberately say hurtful things, even if you have broken up with them. And maybe he is trying to gaslight you and your friends into thinking you are 'crazy' to avoid looking like it's his fault he was dumped.

2 . Unfortunately you will naturally feel paranoid like this after your experiences. Anyone would. This may sound like i'm oversimplifying but you will recover from it in time and make new friends. How old are you? The major turning point in most therapies is self-awareness that one's thoughts are not always correct; even if they feel that way at the time. It sounds like you still can anticipate whats in the mind of other people and observe your own troubling thoughts, and not be fully swayed by them. This is a critical factor in the recovery process. In time you will gain the strength to control your own mind, and not carry around other people's negativity as your personal truths.

3 . Are you sure people hate you and are 'fed up' of you? perhaps they are nervous of you after these recent events which are NOT your own fault.

4 . There is no shame in seeking help, and it doesn't mean you are crazy. In fact it means you are strong enough to admit there's something not right and trying to make things better for yourself.

5 . Yes getting help off the NHS can be a pain in the butt, they're being squeezed at both ends for money. Plus waiting lists are going up and less staff are being recruited. If you don't like the way your doctor responds to your situation you can seek another one, they all seem to handle it slightly differently.

6 . Is there anywhere you are getting emotional support? Have you ever contacted Samaritans they are usually good. You can even PM me if you want and i'll gladly listen to you :itsme:

7 . So to summarise and answer your question you might be experiencing depression after an emotionally abusive ex.
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Ezekiella
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#3
Report 8 years ago
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Read this for about 10 seconds and already your ex sounds emotionally abusive. Cut him out of your life and don't fall for his crap, you're better than this.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 8 years ago
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I cut him out a long time ago, but all the things he said still effect me and I don't know how to "banish" this way of thinking. It's like it has consumed me. And he has joined together with people I don't get on with so they will naturally say bad things about me and to him this validates everything he says about me. He's also been contacting my most recent ex so has told him how to manipulate me as well, as I told my most recent ex that I wasn't happy he was hanging out with my ex (they'd never even met before..) and he reaponded with "you have something wrong with you, I'm not doing anything it's all in your head you have issues" etc. when it just feels like they're all grouping together to be horrible to me instead of moving on with their lives, I stay away from them and don't speak to people they talk to not mention them, but they seem to have nothing better to do with their lives (they're both unemployed..) so it seems like they just want to watch me fall because I'm doing something with my life and they know emotionally vulnerable and can get a reaction from me. It will take time but it's very difficult. I just need to ignore everything negative and focus on myself and moving forward and growing as a person. Thank you for your replies
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Ezekiella
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Well, cut them out of your life as much as you can, but if there's still mutual friends whom rumours have spread to or something, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. I'm sure you have it in you.

Some people just make pathetic attempts at bullying others not because they genuinely believe those those others are what they say they are, but because they think they can get away with it. I wouldn't associate with them if it's not necessary, of course, but if they're trying to get at you no matter what I'd stamp out such behaviour.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 8 years ago
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(Original post by Ezekiella)
Well, cut them out of your life as much as you can, but if there's still mutual friends whom rumours have spread to or something, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. I'm sure you have it in you.

Some people just make pathetic attempts at bullying others not because they genuinely believe those those others are what they say they are, but because they think they can get away with it. I wouldn't associate with them if it's not necessary, of course, but if they're trying to get at you no matter what I'd stamp out such behaviour.
If I tried to, theyd just say the usual, that im "crazy", so I either dont stand up for myself and im crazy, or i do and im still crazy. I cant win either way. i have some good friends and im starting to think that maybe im best just making my social circle smaller and focusing on the good people who arent into all these games and being horrible to me and then denying it and saying i have problems when im upset at their treatment of me...
i find it hard to stand up for myself because these people dont accept responsibility for their actions and say that ive started it (when I definitely havent) or that i have "issues". one of my ex's friends once was making fun of me for the size of my breasts, and when i was upset about it and wanted him to stand up for me, i got the response of "your reaction to this is irrational, no one else would feel this way about it, you have something wrong with you". it makes me question everything. so if someone is horrible to me, instead of the reality of black and white, theyre being horrible, instead i now think maybe their behaviour is perfectly acceptable and im the one with the problem and being upset at what theyve said or done is wrong because im "crazy". i dont know how im meant to stand up for myself or have any confidence when people keep doing this to me, and i dont understand why, it seems so horrible to watch someone be upset and to lie to them and drive them mad, for what purpose? just so they can get their own enjoyment from it? i dont understand.
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Ezekiella
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Report 8 years ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If I tried to, theyd just say the usual, that im "crazy", so I either dont stand up for myself and im crazy, or i do and im still crazy. I cant win either way. i have some good friends and im starting to think that maybe im best just making my social circle smaller and focusing on the good people who arent into all these games and being horrible to me and then denying it and saying i have problems when im upset at their treatment of me...

i find it hard to stand up for myself because these people dont accept responsibility for their actions and say that ive started it (when I definitely havent) or that i have "issues". one of my ex's friends once was making fun of me for the size of my breasts, and when i was upset about it and wanted him to stand up for me, i got the response of "your reaction to this is irrational, no one else would feel this way about it, you have something wrong with you". it makes me question everything. so if someone is horrible to me, instead of the reality of black and white, theyre being horrible, instead i now think maybe their behaviour is perfectly acceptable and im the one with the problem and being upset at what theyve said or done is wrong because im "crazy". i dont know how im meant to stand up for myself or have any confidence when people keep doing this to me, and i dont understand why, it seems so horrible to watch someone be upset and to lie to them and drive them mad, for what purpose? just so they can get their own enjoyment from it? i dont understand.
That's the point, though. It doesn't matter what they say. Of course they're going to say you're crazy, because they want to convince you you're in the wrong and avoid taking responsibility for the fact they're acting like five year old kids. Ultimately, though, even just from reading this thread it's obvious they're a bunch of pathetic losers. You know what's right.

What I'm saying is: live your life the way you want to, hang out with the people you like, but if the other guys continue trying to put you down or spreading rumours, don't hesitate to contradict them or tell people what is really going on. Try not to get so upset you can't make your point, but there's nothing "crazy" about being justifiably pissed off. Even just from the examples you've given, I'm sure if you told anyone decent they would get why you're not on good terms with them.

Their behaviour isn't acceptable and you're not crazy in the slightest: you just need to stop accepting their BS and giving it the slightest bit of consideration. Trust me on that.
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acecoffee
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Report 8 years ago
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it sounded the stuff your ex do really effected you ,

i would try to talk to another GP if you felt the previous one isnt listening to you , sometime it take a while to find the right doctor who will really listen, are you in college or university or any form of education at the moment ? they often provided free service such as counselling and can refer you to more specialist people if they felt it is needed . good luck .
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SubAtomic
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Do you not have any rough relatives or rough around the edges people you can ask to have a word with these tools? Some people just need a good kicking/fright unfortunately! Or if this would make matters worse then you need to learn to ignore it all, you are in control of your mind and therefore your results!
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 8 years ago
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(Original post by SubAtomic)
Do you not have any rough relatives or rough around the edges people you can ask to have a word with these tools? Some people just need a good kicking/fright unfortunately! Or if this would make matters worse then you need to learn to ignore it all, you are in control of your mind and therefore your results!
I introduced my exes to all of my friends and they all became good friends so now I pretty much have no one. I do have friends but I also introduced them to these people (helping everyone else expand their social circles while I become more alone as a result..) so I can never really talk to anyone who doesn't know them or isn't connected in some way. They all group together and think it's hilarious to post things about me on the Internet (I've had to delete a lot of accounts or stop using things just so I don't see anything or end up getting upset). Even when I've tried to smooth things over and say "I know we don't like each other but can we just be civil and ignore each other and pretend we don't exist" I get responses like "you need to take your medication again" and I'm just like wtf? I'm being perfectly reasonable and calm and that's how I'm being replied to? It's just all so pathetic. And yet no one seems to think any of the things they are doing over the Internet for all to see is wrong or nasty in any way and does nothing about it. I don't say anything I just ignore it all. Sometimes it drives me to the point where I want to move far away and leave it all behind. And the sad part is that a few obviously know I tried to commit suicide and it seems like they're being really ignorant and insensitive to the fact that if they keep this up and keep pushing me, that like many others who've been bullied, they just can't take it anymore. I don't know what pleasure they could derive from causing that.
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SubAtomic
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Some people are just *******s through and through, speak up for yourself and tell them they are really boring and pathetic if all they have to do with their time is make you feel crap about yourself. If so called friends cannot see they are being manipulated to act this way towards you then they are lacking brain cell and you are better without them. If nothing is tying you to the area then cut all contact with everyone and get a fresh start somewhere, it is a big world and if you are educated and driven then you can go pretty much anywhere, if I knew people were spreading malicious stuff behind my back and could prove it I would probably beat them or start a little intimidation campaign of my own because I am so rational when it comes to things like this lol, though if you have proof you can involve the law if that is a route you want to go down.

Don't try anymore self harm because you are letting *******s like this win if you do anything to hurt yourself in this way.

Good luck
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Anonymous #2
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Report 7 years ago
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I have been with my partner for years, we have 2 children together. He has cheated on me, more than once i am almost certain, however for whatever reasons i can't comprehend myself, i have stayed with him. I was bullied in work for a long time and i mean mobbed, my colleagues mimicked me and made personal remarks (in particular comments about my partners infidelity), i eventually became so worn down and stressed i went off on the suck for 5 months. I then returned to work and all was fine for a while and then it started again on the new team. I have recently discovered my partner had different social networking accounts in different names and not only was he using these to cheat but he was maligning me and making fun of me. And now everybody has started making comments on my facebook, little comments, sly innuendos. I know how this sounds but believe me this is fact, the remarks are being made to often and are only relevant and specific to my situation. I can't even explain to you he hurt and pain, I am here writing this as I am so devastated i can't take it in. My partner said to me,"why don't you kill yourself you are no good for nothing, you are useless, look at you" What shall i do?
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Triciao
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gh
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Triciao
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#14
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Sorry about that. Even *if* you're a little to a lot crazy, as long as you're reasonably kind you deserve kindness, no matter what thing or things made you that way. See the film
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Triciao
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People Say I'm Crazy even if you are completely sane. I empathize w/ your situation it sounds horribly confusing.Best Wishes.
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Smash Bandicoot
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been with my partner for years, we have 2 children together. He has cheated on me, more than once i am almost certain, however for whatever reasons i can't comprehend myself, i have stayed with him. I was bullied in work for a long time and i mean mobbed, my colleagues mimicked me and made personal remarks (in particular comments about my partners infidelity), i eventually became so worn down and stressed i went off on the suck for 5 months. I then returned to work and all was fine for a while and then it started again on the new team. I have recently discovered my partner had different social networking accounts in different names and not only was he using these to cheat but he was maligning me and making fun of me. And now everybody has started making comments on my facebook, little comments, sly innuendos. I know how this sounds but believe me this is fact, the remarks are being made to often and are only relevant and specific to my situation. I can't even explain to you he hurt and pain, I am here writing this as I am so devastated i can't take it in. My partner said to me,"why don't you kill yourself you are no good for nothing, you are useless, look at you" What shall i do?
necro-bump: honestly if someone said to me it'd be time to call the police for emotional abuse and incitement to commit

edit: One can have depression and still not be 'crazy', what kind of partner would deliberately use stigma against a person with a mental health condition

there is a difference between telling you when your thoughts are toxic e.g.

Depressed partner: 'everyone says I'm worthless'

'Well' partner: 'no they don't, you're just feeling down, we like you!;'

and what this guy is doing which is the converse, pure sociopathy.
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Triciao
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Report 6 years ago
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Get legal help. Hopefully you know it's more attainable than some think. This is making you forget the larger world, picture. Keep a special notebook or a folder in your email and document everything done/said, or at least part of it, w/ time and date. But that may not be enough. Find out if it's legal to record him and your co-workers.
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