OK,
The topic title is somewhat misleading - I've always fancied girls (I'm 18 now), never had anything more than a friendship with males.
I've also never had a girlfriend, and I am socially awkward (years of rejection have given me a massive blow to my self esteem and confidence) - at the moment, I couldn't give a toss. I'd rather be happy and content with myself than get rejected and look like an ass in front of people - I'm fairly sure anyone I asked out or whatever would say no, so theres no point trying (as far as I see it).
As I said, this means that i've got very little practical experience of girls - and it affects my friendships somewhat; my friends at home were not touchy feely people. Here, at Uni, I feel awkward whenever say one of my (female) flatmates even leans on me when we're watching TV.
Anyway, to the crux of my post - On saturday, with (straight/bi) friends I went to a gay bar. My flatmate is a member of our uni's LGBT society, so he knew 10 or so people who were there. We chatted, I found some of them funny and generally had a laugh. Didn't do anything with anyone, didn't think of it.
Monday, we went back there (for cheap night, £1 a bottle!) and again, nothing untoward happened - one of my female flatmates had a breakdown of sorts and we were talking and she revealed to me two things - first, everyone, bar two people (out of 6) from our flat, plus about half the people from the LGBT society I saw think that I'm actually gay and in denial. Secondly, my first impressions are that I'm an ignorant **** only interested in himself.
Basically, i'm feeling a bit low - I never, ever get depressed but I was close tonight, I can't see a way out of the rut i'm in, I'm starting to doubt that I'm straight, even though I am certain I could never fancy a man; even saying it sounds stupid, but if that many people think I am, could I be, and very, very strongly in denial?
Again, to protect myself from getting rejected or depressed, I withdrew myself and really, really struggle to even initiate a serious conversation, let alone tell them personal details and problems, so this is kind of a last resort. I'm sure I'll have repressed all these feelings tommorow and be happy/smiley like usual.
rant over