wasting my time?

I'm in a tricky situation,

I met a great guy at university, but he graduated last year before we really got to know one another. We started talking on Skype every night and really hit it off. We met up again for a weekend a few months after this and it was great- we got on like a house on fire and...yeah. .thing's sort of happened. Trouble is he lives in London and I live 200 miles north.
After the first visit I asked him where he thought we were going, he told me that he had hang ups about the distance but really liked me, but he was a more of a wait and see how it goes sort of guy, and before he could commit to anything he needed to get employed and be more sure of where his life was heading. He also said that he wouldn't be sleeping around- so I guess he was trying to reassure me?
I felt a little sad and stopped talking to him as much, as I didn't want to be mooning after something I couldn't have. However, we began talking regularly again 4 months ago and he came to visit me again and we were really close. He was very touchy feely, cuddly and affectionate which is not really his personality, he's sort of shy and standoffish generally, but kept asking if he could come and see me again, told me some deep personal things and kept telling me he really liked me. He got home and told me that night that I was the best thing in his life and he looked forward to speaking to me every day so much.

Since getting home he has not really been overly affectionate. He seems to shy away from it at the moment, even sort of ignoring any complements I give him...but he still makes sure he talks to me several times a day (text/ fb etc) and for many hours at night. Sometimes he talks generally about how he finds women attractive and gives the impression that he'd go after someone down there if he got the chance... but I think that's all talk as I'm only the 2nd person he has done anything with!

so yes, am I wasting my time with this? he's basically already told me he doesn't like the distance etc and that's not going to change for at least another 2 years (for me anyway). I love his personality and I think he's beautiful...its very rare that I find anyone Im attracted to, and he says the same thing, I just don't know if I should be investing so much time and feeling into something that more than likely wont come to anything in the long run.

Reply 1

Forumfinder

He sounds like a nice lad, since he's assured you he won't sleep around, I think what he's saying is that he needs a job, to become more mature and independent. I think he might want to be a responsible adult and then have a relationship with you in a couple years. I think he is nice and his thinking is fair. Maybe you two should just be friends and if something physical happens then don't feel guilty because a long distance relationship is hard to maintain. You could be together in the future, so you should definitely keep him in your life. If another guy comes along though, whom is hot and you like, I wouldn't let this guy hold you back either, because things happen and life changes and you can't expect romance if this does only become friendship. Essentially, go with the flow.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Forumfinder

He sounds like a nice lad, since he's assured you he won't sleep around, I think what he's saying is that he needs a job, to become more mature and independent. I think he might want to be a responsible adult and then have a relationship with you in a couple years. I think he is nice and his thinking is fair. Maybe you two should just be friends and if something physical happens then don't feel guilty because a long distance relationship is hard to maintain. You could be together in the future, so you should definitely keep him in your life. If another guy comes along though, whom is hot and you like, I wouldn't let this guy hold you back either, because things happen and life changes and you can't expect romance if this does only become friendship. Essentially, go with the flow.

Thanks for that, I honestly believe he is a decent guy and he really does seem to be genuinely interested and caring towards me; its just touh getting so attached to him and us being so far apart. In a way I think he tries to maintain an emotional distance from me but when we are physically together he loses that act completely! In addition he has also said he doesn't believe relationships are that amazing, but his last gf cheated on him so im inclined to think he's lashing out because he was hurt badly..

Reply 3

Forumfinder

That makes perfect sense. He probably is. Hopefully he'll get over it one day and when he starts to believe in relationships and ask you for one, then you could have a happy life together.

Reply 4

Climbontoyourseahorse

9

Original post by Forumfinder

He sounds like a nice lad, since he's assured you he won't sleep around, I think what he's saying is that he needs a job, to become more mature and independent. I think he might want to be a responsible adult and then have a relationship with you in a couple years. I think he is nice and his thinking is fair. Maybe you two should just be friends and if something physical happens then don't feel guilty because a long distance relationship is hard to maintain. You could be together in the future, so you should definitely keep him in your life. If another guy comes along though, whom is hot and you like, I wouldn't let this guy hold you back either, because things happen and life changes and you can't expect romance if this does only become friendship. Essentially, go with the flow.

Would him sleeping around make him a not so nice lad? He's not her boyfriend. I think possibly the 'I won't be sleeping around' comment was more getting at the fact that he doesn't sleep around - he doesn't have the game to do this - rather than him forgoing sex because because he is so emotionally involved with the OP. No one in their right mind would remain chaste for someone they're not in a relationship with. I would look at other things for indication of his level of interest. And he is simply not showing the OP signs of real interest.

To the OP - 200 miles is a long way, I get it, but I can't help but think that if he was really into you he would be saying 'Let's give this a go' rather than immediately rejecting the idea. I understand that his life is at a crossroads at the moment, but if you were the right girl I don't think he would let his current issues get in the way. It all sounds very excuse-y to me, and contrary to what the above poster says, I would not wait around for him to get his life into order. I would move on. Forget the friendship - has it ever really been a true friendship? If you stay in contact you won't get over him. Fact is, a relationship will never materialise with this guy, whether it be due to impracticalities or a lack of interest on his part (I'm going to go with the latter) so it's best to just leave it completely.

Reply 5

Forumfinder

You missed my point. In the post before this I said 'If another guy comes along though, whom is hot and you like, I wouldn't let this guy hold you back either' so I'm not suggesting waiting around for him at all. I don't think he's making excuses. It's hard to try a long distance relationship because there may come a time when she'd like a cuddle be he can't be there and if another guy is, then she should go for it and maybe this current guy can be her friend or in the future her bf.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

hm, ok so last night we got talking and he sort of encouraged me to have casual sex with people, to relax about it and consider it as an option because it can be "fun" and i have just had some bad experiences? So.... he doesn't really see me as his an would be happy for me to sleep with other people? He also told me he thought polyamourous relationships sounded really cool....:\

Reply 7

Forumfinder

WOAH I take back what I said. Polyamorous is an excuse to cheat. He is not the one for you. Don't even been friends with him. Casual sex, maybe, but he wants you to give permission to sleep with lots of girls. If he loved you, he wouldn't want to do this. No way, you need to stand up for yourself and tell him he's a monster!

Reply 8

Capn cas

11

If you love someone enough you can let them go, if it's meant to be they'll find their way back.
If not, simply move on. There are literally thousands of potentials at uni.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Forumfinder

WOAH I take back what I said. Polyamorous is an excuse to cheat. He is not the one for you. Don't even been friends with him. Casual sex, maybe, but he wants you to give permission to sleep with lots of girls. If he loved you, he wouldn't want to do this. No way, you need to stand up for yourself and tell him he's a monster!

I dont think hes specifically looking for a polyamerous relationship as such, as I have said before , I think he is all talk half the time. He talks about casual sex etc but really doesn't do it himself all that often at all! I just think hes trying to hint at me that he's not up for anything serious as such and that we live too far away. I don't think hes a monster at all, just.... not the commitment type- therefore I doubt I have a future with him, so will distance myself emotionally from him.

Reply 10

This Honest

3

Original post by Anonymous

hm, ok so last night we got talking and he sort of encouraged me to have casual sex with people, to relax about it and consider it as an option because it can be "fun" and i have just had some bad experiences? So.... he doesn't really see me as his an would be happy for me to sleep with other people? He also told me he thought polyamourous relationships sounded really cool....:\

If you're not interested in polyamory, just leave him and stop wasting your time as you said..

Reply 11

Forumfinder

Original post by This Honest

If you're not interested in polyamory, just leave him and stop wasting your time as you said..

Sadly, I think anonymous knows she should walk away, but secretly she wants us to encourage her to stay with him. I hope that the fact that we've all agreed on this should indicate the guy's unsuitability.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Forumfinder

Sadly, I think anonymous knows she should walk away, but secretly she wants us to encourage her to stay with him. I hope that the fact that we've all agreed on this should indicate the guy's unsuitability.