The Student Room Group

'In love'...but doesn't call?!

Hey all,

Just need some opinions; my man and me are having time apart because we both have issues we need to resolve that were just hurting our relationship. I am very much in love with him, and he claims the same. My prob is this; we are still in contact and may see each other soon, because it is hoped we could get back on track, but he is now not calling much and keeps saying he will, and then doesn't, to the point where I now never believe he will call when he says.
I spoke to him a few nights ago, I called him, because I wanted to get this off my chest. Told him how he seems to contradict himself by saying hes in love with me, but not initiating contact. He was like i'm sorry, its just hard I want to talk when theres stuff to talk about, I dont want to keep getting upset on phone and hearing you upset, but understands it has hurt me.
So anyway, he said I'll call soon, maybe tomorrow, but soon. This was a few days ago now and nothing.
Am I kidding myself?! I hate this, we used to talk everyday, he was always there, now theres this massive void, and I dont know if I can cope. I havent called because ive done it enough. I just wish he would prove me wrong.

Leave him to it and wait, or what?!

Aaaargghh!

Love Jess xxx
Reply 1
How long have you been together. If it's long, then he's probably just not as excited as before when you phoned each other everyday, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Do something to spice up your relationship, I'll leave the creativity to you.
Seems odd how he was always there and then all of a sudden hes not and stops contacting you maybe hes got bored but still seems strange hope its not because he's hiding something
Ages?
What Issues?

Some issues can be very big obstacles to having a relationship. Such as self harm and other stupid, psychotic behaviour.
Hey, sorry dunno if i made it that clear, we not 'together' as in boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment, we are, or were! in contact, and plan to see each other again soon. The contact as a whole reduced because of this, obviously when we taking time out the point is to not talk as much and over-rely on each other. This has been really hard for me because I was just so used to it, and because my issues were to do with self esteem and insecurities about myself. I feel I am taking it too hard and being a bit dramatic and not very rational, hence asking opinions from outsiders who are not biased.

the issues we have had have been fairly major, which is why we now apart.
I don't think he is hiding anything, certainly not anyone else or anything like that, but I am upset cos it all seems contradictory, or maybe i'm just stressing myself too much and worrying needlessly?!

Jessxx
Typical girl...stop watching TV and reading magazines. And get over yourself :smile:
Reply 6
Surely it's natural for him to call less when now you're not together. As you said there are issues, and you needed to resolve them. You say "the point is to not talk as much" yet get angry at him that he sticks to that? Quite naturally you're finding it hard, and my guess is your probably a little upset that him calling less frequently suggests he isn't finding it as hard. That isn't likely to be true, being male he has a pride reflex that even if he is finding it hard talking to you less, he's damn well not going to show that.

My advice would be if you have issues, talk them out. A break from a relationship is not a good idea to resolve issues, it's only useful if one or both partners wants space and time to think. Moreover, both don't get angry about him calling less and don't feel bad about wanting him to. The idea of the break was to call each other less, so he's just sticking to that, but it being hard is possibly telling you something about the break not being right? There's no need to worry about his feelings because he didn't call, since that was the purpose.
Drogue
Surely it's natural for him to call less when now you're not together. As you said there are issues, and you needed to resolve them. You say "the point is to not talk as much" yet get angry at him that he sticks to that? Quite naturally you're finding it hard, and my guess is your probably a little upset that him calling less frequently suggests he isn't finding it as hard. That isn't likely to be true, being male he has a pride reflex that even if he is finding it hard talking to you less, he's damn well not going to show that.

My advice would be if you have issues, talk them out. A break from a relationship is not a good idea to resolve issues, it's only useful if one or both partners wants space and time to think. Moreover, both don't get angry about him calling less and don't feel bad about wanting him to. The idea of the break was to call each other less, so he's just sticking to that, but it being hard is possibly telling you something about the break not being right? There's no need to worry about his feelings because he didn't call, since that was the purpose.



Drogue,
Thanks for the post, its very good advice. Yeah the point is to give space and stop leaning on each other by calling all the time (we used to talk at least 10 times a day, as well as seeing each other pretty much most days).
What you say about male pride is something I didnt think about, although I dont know, he was cancelling my calls a few times a while ago, and was like I didnt want to talk to you, or anyone, so sometimes when i've called he just hasnt wanted to know.
Yeah I am being hard on myself, and I think adjusting to this has been very hard for me, I guess I think irrationally and think why isnt he crawling the walls to call me if he loves me...but then I'm the kind of person who wants everything yesterday, I have zero patience.
What I found most interesting was what you say about a break not working if its to solve issues. And that finding this so hard may be a sign for me that its not right somehow. I agree I think, I don't think that being apart is going to solve them, its good for a bit of space, but I dunno, I guess I 'd rather support him and vice versa. Also, even though things weren't great i would rather be with him and work at it than not.
But he doesn't want that, he wants space, he wants to sort himself out, but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I'm either gonna be with him or not at all. The space thing is a good idea, but we have physical space, as I'm back in my home town for summer, so im not actually around him anyway. I love him so much, but I dont know if im just putting myself through all this for little gain?!

Jess xxxx