How to not compare myself to his ex? Watch

FuzzySheep
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Hey,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years now, but I'm insanely envious of his ex. She's gorgeous and she has more friends and seems a lovely person and I can't match her. I'm a fat, ugly, horrendous mess and everytime I look at her Facebook profile I feel sick at myself, knowing that my boyfriend can't possibly really love me as much as he loved her because she is everything I am not.

We've been together for three years, for the first year he constantly talked about her. After he took my virginity, he talked about her. Every thing I did was affected by her. I slowly started spiralling and now I've lost all confidence.

I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to dress better and be better but I can't ever beat her. All her profile photos has friends telling her how gorgeous she is and how lucky her current boyfriend is to have her. I feel like my current boyfriend doesn't appreciate me or love me at all. I feel so lonely.

What do I do to get her out of my head. Every day for three years, I can't take it, I want my confidence back. Please what do I do?
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Eoznotrub
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Maybe ask tell him you're feeling a bit insecure and ask what he likes about you. I think him constantly talking about his ex is because he misses her? and that is downgrading and horrible on you. I know a friend who went through this. And stop trying to complete! you are not her! you will never be like her! he dumped HER not you. so that means he wants YOU. So you much have better or different qualities! Block her facebook profile as if you keep looking it will drag you down further, you need to wear the things you want and your confidence will improve!

It sounds like you bf is missing her and is obsessed (bit strong a word) and by him talking about her after taking your virginity is not on! thats horrible! Im sorry, but I am really not impressed by him already! it sounds like her hadnt moved on when he got with you :/. I think you may need to come clean and tell him how its making you feel (only say as much as you feel comfortable) I find it is much better when I confess to mine when I see someone who I think looks better and she'll give me reassurance and then i'll think, she's with me so I must be doing something right. If he is still talking about her after 3 years im sorry to say this but he isnt worth it and you deserve better as no woman should be in the shadow of an ex! it is unfair dating you if he is not over his ex!
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FuzzySheep
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(Original post by Eoznotrub)
Maybe ask tell him you're feeling a bit insecure and ask what he likes about you. I think him constantly talking about his ex is because he misses her? and that is downgrading and horrible on you. I know a friend who went through this. And stop trying to complete! you are not her! you will never be like her! he dumped HER not you. so that means he wants YOU. So you much have better or different qualities! Block her facebook profile as if you keep looking it will drag you down further, you need to wear the things you want and your confidence will improve!

It sounds like you bf is missing her and is obsessed (bit strong a word) and by him talking about her after taking your virginity is not on! thats horrible! Im sorry, but I am really not impressed by him already! it sounds like her hadnt moved on when he got with you :/. I think you may need to come clean and tell him how its making you feel (only say as much as you feel comfortable) I find it is much better when I confess to mine when I see someone who I think looks better and she'll give me reassurance and then i'll think, she's with me so I must be doing something right. If he is still talking about her after 3 years im sorry to say this but he isnt worth it and you deserve better as no woman should be in the shadow of an ex! it is unfair dating you if he is not over his ex!
He doesn't talk about her anymore, it was the 1st year of our relationship, and he knows all about it and he knows how it still upsets me, and I understand he might be impatient with me because I'm not over it yet. He says that the reason why he did it was because in all his other relationships it was natural to him to talk about his exes but it wasn't to me and have just lost all confidence in myself since then. I know I have to get over it but I don't know how. If I felt I was good enough for him now, it wouldn't be such an issue but the point of the matter is I'm not and never will be good enough He tells me that us being together twice as long as he was with anyone else should prove he loves me but it's clear I'll never look like her.

This is all my fault and I probably sound so stupid, I just don't know what to do
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Studentus-anonymous
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Have you considered confronting your boyfriend on his inconsiderate behaviour?

If he makes you feel crap and he won't change then say goodbye and find someone a bit more aware and grateful of you.

Don't compare yourself so much to his ex, especially on the basis of Fakebook.
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Mockery
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This is simply one of life's lessons. You're not in this position because you are not worthy of him, you are in this position because of him. Discussing an ex should be a huge warning sign to avoid committing to an individual, especially after a year of such behaviour. And how did you find her on Facebook? He even mentioned her name?
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FuzzySheep
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(Original post by Mockery)
This is simply one of life's lessons. You're not in this position because you are not worthy of him, you are in this position because of him. Discussing an ex should be a huge warning sign to avoid committing to an individual, especially after a year of such behaviour. And how did you find her on Facebook? He even mentioned her name?
We've been together for 3 years now in total, so the fact I've not gotten over it is a problem with me surely?

I did some stalking. I'm not proud of it, but when you're being told about a girl over and over again to the point where he started talking about sex with her, I had to.

Since then, he's not talked about her. He has flirted with colleagues and friends, and he tells me he did it as a joke, and he doesn't do it any more. I think that he thinks I'm too demanding. He might even still be doing it anyway and he probably has a list of other girls who he'd rather be with and are more desirable. I make myself sick, I'm disgusting. If I was prettier everything would be okay. :cry:
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Eoznotrub
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you definately dont sound stupid! At least he doesnt talk about it anymore (wasnt sure if he was still doing it). But i would block her from facebook so you dont have to torture yourself by looking at her! She may be 'pretty' but you have so many other qualities. people's looks fade with time and you don't notice it after a while, wait till she gets older!

You could go to get your makeup done in like debenams and things so you get advice on what suits you and a new look can make you feel much better.You could also do it with clothes, treat yourself to nice things! Friends are great for boosting how you feel sometimes. Maybe watch some gok wan, always helps me. Maybe find a new passion something that distracts you and focuses you on something that isnt her. Or you could write a list of everything you are and that she isnt and read it every day.

It is definately not your fault, it is his for talking about her so much! if he stopped talking about her you wouldnt be as bad as this. You obviously are good enough, he wouldnt be with you otherwise! you have many things she doesnt! just write them down, even on sticky notes arround the house as reading things over and over again makes you learn it
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Eoznotrub
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you are not disgusting, for every bad point about what you look like, you have to write a positive!
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FuzzySheep
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(Original post by Eoznotrub)
you definately dont sound stupid! At least he doesnt talk about it anymore (wasnt sure if he was still doing it). But i would block her from facebook so you dont have to torture yourself by looking at her! She may be 'pretty' but you have so many other qualities. people's looks fade with time and you don't notice it after a while, wait till she gets older!

You could go to get your makeup done in like debenams and things so you get advice on what suits you and a new look can make you feel much better.You could also do it with clothes, treat yourself to nice things! Friends are great for boosting how you feel sometimes. Maybe watch some gok wan, always helps me. Maybe find a new passion something that distracts you and focuses you on something that isnt her. Or you could write a list of everything you are and that she isnt and read it every day.

It is definately not your fault, it is his for talking about her so much! if he stopped talking about her you wouldnt be as bad as this. You obviously are good enough, he wouldnt be with you otherwise! you have many things she doesnt! just write them down, even on sticky notes arround the house as reading things over and over again makes you learn it
Thank you :hugs: I've bought new clothes etc and I try and write positives down and it lasts for a day and then I just get hit by it all again. He doesn't even make me feel attractive anymore. I keep trying and changing so that he will maybe love me again but I don't know how much longer I can do it, I'm so low.

I can't even talk about it with him anymore. He told me that he gets really upset and angry when I talk about this with him, and after it's over he finds it hard to be affectionate with me, so I can't even bring it up or anything that upsets me again. :cry:
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danny111
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(Original post by FuzzySheep)
Hey,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years now, but I'm insanely envious of his ex. She's gorgeous and she has more friends and seems a lovely person and I can't match her. I'm a fat, ugly, horrendous mess and everytime I look at her Facebook profile I feel sick at myself, knowing that my boyfriend can't possibly really love me as much as he loved her because she is everything I am not.

We've been together for three years, for the first year he constantly talked about her. After he took my virginity, he talked about her. Every thing I did was affected by her. I slowly started spiralling and now I've lost all confidence.

I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to dress better and be better but I can't ever beat her. All her profile photos has friends telling her how gorgeous she is and how lucky her current boyfriend is to have her. I feel like my current boyfriend doesn't appreciate me or love me at all. I feel so lonely.

What do I do to get her out of my head. Every day for three years, I can't take it, I want my confidence back. Please what do I do?
3 years.

I think he prefers you
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Mockery
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(Original post by FuzzySheep)
We've been together for 3 years now in total, so the fact I've not gotten over it is a problem with me surely?

I did some stalking. I'm not proud of it, but when you're being told about a girl over and over again to the point where he started talking about sex with her, I had to.

Since then, he's not talked about her. He has flirted with colleagues and friends, and he tells me he did it as a joke, and he doesn't do it any more. I think that he thinks I'm too demanding. He might even still be doing it anyway and he probably has a list of other girls who he'd rather be with and are more desirable. I make myself sick, I'm disgusting. If I was prettier everything would be okay. :cry:
Yeah, you were young, naïve and inexperienced. Most people learn not to commit to someone who is clearly in no position to commit themselves, due to their emotions being preoccupied elsewhere.

Making drastic changes to this relationship will hurt like a *****, don't get me wrong. But is it worth staying in the state you are now any longer? You are clearly disillusioning yourself into these absurd ideas because you've let his own emotional problems fester with you.
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Eoznotrub
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If he is making you feel this low and all these excuses of not being affectionate is not good. my best mate when out with this guy (his previous ex died of cancer and he tried to resusitate her). They were a great couple but he wasnt over over his ex. The way he spoke about his ex degraded my friend so much she felt she couldnt complete with his ex so she eventually broke it off because she was so low and he didnt realise. Now my friend is doing really well and she's happy again, it took a long while but she's out of the degrading relationship .

If your boyfriend is really making you feel like this, he isnt worth it (sorry to say), you deserve SO much better!!
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FuzzySheep
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(Original post by Mockery)
Yeah, you were young, naïve and inexperienced. Most people learn not to commit to someone who is clearly in no position to commit themselves, due to their emotions being preoccupied elsewhere.

Making drastic changes to this relationship will hurt like a *****, don't get me wrong. But is it worth staying in the state you are now any longer? You are clearly disillusioning yourself into these absurd ideas because you've let his own emotional problems fester with you.
But it's the fact he's stopped talking about her and I think stopped flirting so much with other girls, and I thought I needed to get over it because he's no longer like that. I'm partly asking how to get over it and also how to be better and hopefully get him to love me again.

I'm sorry, I sound so stupid.
(Original post by Eoznotrub)
If he is making you feel this low and all these excuses of not being affectionate is not good. my best mate when out with this guy (his previous ex died of cancer and he tried to resusitate her). They were a great couple but he wasnt over over his ex. The way he spoke about his ex degraded my friend so much she felt she couldnt complete with his ex so she eventually broke it off because she was so low and he didnt realise. Now my friend is doing really well and she's happy again, it took a long while but she's out of the degrading relationship .

If your boyfriend is really making you feel like this, he isnt worth it (sorry to say), you deserve SO much better!!
I'm glad your friend was able to move on I have a feeling that even if I left him, I wouldn't be happier because I love him so much, and also I know that I'm too ugly to find someone else who might be attracted to me. The fact is he's mostly stopped all of this now, and so surely I should be learning to get over it but I just don't know how. There is literally nothing good about me, compared to her. I don't know how to be better.
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Eoznotrub
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Yeah, my friend was in love too but she couldnt take it anymore after a year, you are not too ugly! stop putting yourself down! and You've honestly got to be you and let the real you shine out and that will be so much better than her! you need to find and tell yourself a good bit about your appearance for every bad. he needs to reassure you for your goog points or you need to tell yourself everyday, eventually you'll learn it and start believing it.
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username616640
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But there's one thing she hasn't got that you have, the guy. Tell him how you feel about it so he will stop mentioning her and eventually you will forget about it. Maybe delete her from facebook too, or block her facebook page so you can't view it anymore.
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