Spied on boyfriends facebook Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and we're in love. I've always had issues in trusting people from past relationships and stupidly I looked at his facebook messages, now I feel really hurt.

We dated for about two months before it was official and were sleeping together for about a month before we were official.

I read the messages from two girls from the week before me and him were official and I really don't like what I found out. I really feel different about him now.

One girl he was messaging how amazing she was and it was obvious that they'd slept together a week before we were together, he was calling her all the nicknames he calls me, which I thought were "unique" to me but obviously not.

The other girl, the messages looked like she was really messing him around, they'd obviously slept together that week and it was obvious that he thought the world of her, he also called her the same nicknames.

Anyway the first girl was really not very attractive, sounded like she was really into him, it actually sounded like she was in love with him. And the other girl was beautiful, but sounded like a bit of a ***** messing him about.

Also, he made a big deal of my birthday (week before we were official) but wanted to do something the day before, he treated me like a princess that day, I wondered why he didn't want to do something on my proper birthday as it was a Saturday, but it turns out he was at a gig with the "beautiful girl"

So it just seems like he had been playing me and chose me because I was reliable or something, I feel so hurt now but can't really say anything to him. Does anyone know how I can get over this? I know it was disgusting of me to look but curiosity got the better of me.
quote
reply
Shaun1991
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
The whole point of labelling relationships is this reason. You weren't official at the time so he had every right to play the field, maybe to make sure he was doing the right thing going into something serious with you. At the end of the day he picked you so be happy, you've been together for over a year and I assume there was nothing else you didn't like on his messages between then and now so I don't see your concern. On a side note you were wrong to go through his facebook, you won't get over trust issues by being a sneak.
16
quote
reply
chikane
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#3
Report 5 years ago
#3
Well he is with you now and thats all that matters, maybe he really does care about you and he was just confused with what he wanted back then. Maybe you have some trust issues to work on or else why would you go through his messages in the first place.
0
quote
reply
Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#4
I do agree I shouldn't of gone through them messages, I have no idea why I did as i'm usually very aware of peoples privacy. I just feel disgusted that he slept with two other girls.. could be more when he was sleeping with me, unprotected. And also all the nice things he said to me and cute nicknames, are just cliches he told the other two.
quote
reply
Ham22
Badges: 15
#5
Report 5 years ago
#5
Personally I would dump them over this. And by this I mean the revelation of their true nature.
quote
reply
matt_g96
Badges: 10
Rep:
?
#6
Report 5 years ago
#6
as long as he hasnt messaged them since you should have nothing to worry about, after all he chose you
2
quote
reply
Hopple
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#7
Report 5 years ago
#7
I assume you didn't find any 'misbehaviour' since you became official? Focus on that, he seems trustworthy where it matters.

(Original post by Ham22)
Personally I would dump them over this. And by this I mean the revelation of their true nature.
What true nature? That he wasn't exclusively hers when they weren't 'official'?
3
quote
reply
yennibubs
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#8
Report 5 years ago
#8
He was probably confused before you became official. The important thing is that he chose you in the end and you've been together a year now. You haven't found any messages during your actual relationship, right?

Saying that, I understand how you feel though, and especially when you thought the nicknames are for you. I personally would not call my current bf the name that I gave my ex for example, because that'll be weird.

Posted from TSR Mobile
2
quote
reply
The Wild Youth
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#9
Report 5 years ago
#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
I do agree I shouldn't of gone through them messages, I have no idea why I did as i'm usually very aware of peoples privacy. I just feel disgusted that he slept with two other girls.. could be more when he was sleeping with me, unprotected. And also all the nice things he said to me and cute nicknames, are just cliches he told the other two.
they may have been cliches once but you've been together over a year - they're yours now.

He's with you, not with them. I think deep down you probably know that it doesn't matter as much as it may feel like on the surface; you've just had a bit of a shock. Take a bit of time to put what you found out into perspective - how on earth can a year together be shattered by this?? Impossible.

mull it over, get over the shock of it and then see where you are. Dont think he's being false to you because I swear he wouldn't be with you for a year otherwise dont worry.
0
quote
reply
Millie228
Badges: 9
Rep:
?
#10
Report 5 years ago
#10
You had unprotected sex with him before you were together or had been tested? I suggest you DO get tested if you haven't even bothered to be at this point.

I agree with the others posters that this is why people define relationships. If you aren't comfortable sleeping with someone who are sleeping with someone else and giving them the same treatment they are giving you, you shouldn't be.

Sometimes we learn things the hard way. This will certainly be a lesson for you. People aren't going to make commitments that aren't required of them, they will make the most of the opportunities they get. Men want sexual variety more than women do so it is unlikely that the situation could have been the same the other way around. However you can imagine dating a guy you felt so-so about, and then being offered a date with your favorite celebrity, who turned out super charming and seductive - you wouldn't pass that up, especially if you didn't owe anyone anything.
Of course there is a question of decency. The decent thing to do would for him to be clear and open once he realized you were developing feelings - your birthday was certainly that point, I've never even heard of someone celebrating a birthday like that while not being a couple. I have never demanded a single thing on my birthday from men I was only dating. It sounds a bit as if you wer assuming exclusivity.
I don't know the details of what he told you that Saturday. From the sounds of it, he has never outright lied, just avoided the subject - which is the normal thing to do these days. "Lying by omission" (i.e. withholding facts knowing that a person would feel differently about you if they knew everything) is not breaking any laws, but still morally on the edge.

I can understand that you are bothered - it feels like his words, how he's spent his time and how he feels about you is a lie. He DOES like you a lot, otherwise he would not have agreed to be exclusive. We don't know how this 'exclusivity' happened though, as you haven't said who of you initiated the subject.
If you want to talk to him about it, do so. However be careful of how you bring it up, only mention the relevant things and be prepared that he may be furious of your snooping, to the point where he might not want to be with you anymore.
0
quote
reply
wtfCharlie
Badges: 14
Rep:
?
#11
Report 5 years ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and we're in love. I've always had issues in trusting people from past relationships and stupidly I looked at his facebook messages, now I feel really hurt.

We dated for about two months before it was official and were sleeping together for about a month before we were official.

I read the messages from two girls from the week before me and him were official and I really don't like what I found out. I really feel different about him now.

One girl he was messaging how amazing she was and it was obvious that they'd slept together a week before we were together, he was calling her all the nicknames he calls me, which I thought were "unique" to me but obviously not.

The other girl, the messages looked like she was really messing him around, they'd obviously slept together that week and it was obvious that he thought the world of her, he also called her the same nicknames.

Anyway the first girl was really not very attractive, sounded like she was really into him, it actually sounded like she was in love with him. And the other girl was beautiful, but sounded like a bit of a ***** messing him about.

Also, he made a big deal of my birthday (week before we were official) but wanted to do something the day before, he treated me like a princess that day, I wondered why he didn't want to do something on my proper birthday as it was a Saturday, but it turns out he was at a gig with the "beautiful girl"

So it just seems like he had been playing me and chose me because I was reliable or something, I feel so hurt now but can't really say anything to him. Does anyone know how I can get over this? I know it was disgusting of me to look but curiosity got the better of me.
Come clean. I've done this before - have a tendency to get randomly insecure. He was understandably peeved but talking about it made it much better.
0
quote
reply
Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#12
(Original post by Hopple)
I assume you didn't find any 'misbehaviour' since you became official? Focus on that, he seems trustworthy where it matters.



What true nature? That he wasn't exclusively hers when they weren't 'official'?

(Original post by yennibubs)
He was probably confused before you became official. The important thing is that he chose you in the end and you've been together a year now. You haven't found any messages during your actual relationship, right?

Saying that, I understand how you feel though, and especially when you thought the nicknames are for you. I personally would not call my current bf the name that I gave my ex for example, because that'll be weird.

Posted from TSR Mobile
I forgot to add that, there's been no contact with the first girl but there has been with the "beautiful" girl. He sent her a message last week saying "Hello my beautiful xxxx" (her name) but he did make it clear that he was in a relationship with me. But she's now asked him to spend new years eve with her.. he hasn't replied yet but i'm scared! I don't want to look again but it just not nice!

(Original post by The Wild Youth)
they may have been cliches once but you've been together over a year - they're yours now.

He's with you, not with them. I think deep down you probably know that it doesn't matter as much as it may feel like on the surface; you've just had a bit of a shock. Take a bit of time to put what you found out into perspective - how on earth can a year together be shattered by this?? Impossible.

mull it over, get over the shock of it and then see where you are. Dont think he's being false to you because I swear he wouldn't be with you for a year otherwise dont worry.
Thanks that's nice advice, i'm just pretty hurt about it all and also he's put me at risk of stds, I just find it pretty disgusting but I do love him and I know he loves me, we've been through a lot lately and he has done so much for me, i'm just feeling a bit sad and angry but I can't talk to him either it's just a bit of a mess. I really do respect other people privacy, I don't know why I did this I feel like such a ***** but I just need to move on.
quote
reply
Shaun1991
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#13
Report 5 years ago
#13
Cracking thesis above.
0
quote
reply
Anonymous #1
#14
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#14
(Original post by Millie228)
You had unprotected sex with him before you were together or had been tested? I suggest you DO get tested if you haven't even bothered to be at this point.

I agree with the others posters that this is why people define relationships. If you aren't comfortable sleeping with someone who are sleeping with someone else and giving them the same treatment they are giving you, you shouldn't be.

Sometimes we learn things the hard way. This will certainly be a lesson for you. People aren't going to make commitments that aren't required of them, they will make the most of the opportunities they get. Men want sexual variety more than women do so it is unlikely that the situation could have been the same the other way around. However you can imagine dating a guy you felt so-so about, and then being offered a date with your favorite celebrity, who turned out super charming and seductive - you wouldn't pass that up, especially if you didn't owe anyone anything.
Of course there is a question of decency. The decent thing to do would for him to be clear and open once he realized you were developing feelings - your birthday was certainly that point, I've never even heard of someone celebrating a birthday like that while not being a couple. I have never demanded a single thing on my birthday from men I was only dating. It sounds a bit as if you wer assuming exclusivity.
I don't know the details of what he told you that Saturday. From the sounds of it, he has never outright lied, just avoided the subject - which is the normal thing to do these days. "Lying by omission" (i.e. withholding facts knowing that a person would feel differently about you if they knew everything) is not breaking any laws, but still morally on the edge.

I can understand that you are bothered - it feels like his words, how he's spent his time and how he feels about you is a lie. He DOES like you a lot, otherwise he would not have agreed to be exclusive. We don't know how this 'exclusivity' happened though, as you haven't said who of you initiated the subject.
If you want to talk to him about it, do so. However be careful of how you bring it up, only mention the relevant things and be prepared that he may be furious of your snooping, to the point where he might not want to be with you anymore.
Yes we had unprotected sex, I feel so stupid! He's just such a nice guy, I never would of thought of him as a "player" he's really kind and gentle and never argues, it's very out of character and that's what has scared me. I do think he has been faithful since we got together, which he initiated, I did want us to be a couple but I was scared of asking, so it was his choice.

I did think we were pretty much exclusive on my "birthday" i've never been treated the way he treated me, he was so lovely. He took me out for the day, took me out for the evening then when we got to his house he had literally tons of presents for me. I really couldn't believe someone could be so kind, then go off with another girl the next day. It's just breaking me, noone has ever done anything like that to me before, but he lied and said he had to work the next day, but took her to a gig and possibly slept with her that evening, it's just really changed the way I see him, not really the way I feel about him though, i'm just gutted.
quote
reply
urvaax3
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#15
Report 5 years ago
#15
Honestly, I wouldn't say you're wrong for looking through his messages. I mean, you said you've been together for a year now, so everything that's his is yours & vice versa. There should be nothing to hide. Idk..just how I feel. The only way to get over it is to keep yourself busy. The busier you are, the less time you have to think about it. Join a gym or an organization! Name:  ImageUploadedByStudent Room1374188718.873422.jpg
Views: 570
Size:  41.2 KB


Posted from TSR Mobile
8
quote
reply
Hopple
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#16
Report 5 years ago
#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
I forgot to add that, there's been no contact with the first girl but there has been with the "beautiful" girl. He sent her a message last week saying "Hello my beautiful xxxx" (her name) but he did make it clear that he was in a relationship with me. But she's now asked him to spend new years eve with her.. he hasn't replied yet but i'm scared! I don't want to look again but it just not nice!
No need to look, just spend NYE with him

The message is a bit suspect, though. Has he kept in contact with her for this time or did he just send that message out of the blue?


(Original post by urvaax3)
Honestly, I wouldn't say you're wrong for looking through his messages. I mean, you said you've been together for a year now, so everything that's his is yours & vice versa. There should be nothing to hide. Idk..just how I feel. The only way to get over it is to keep yourself busy. The busier you are, the less time you have to think about it. Join a gym or an organization! Name:  ImageUploadedByStudent Room1374188718.873422.jpg
Views: 570
Size:  41.2 KB
Wtf? Even married couples give each other more privacy than you would to a boyfriend of merely a year.
0
quote
reply
Anonymous #1
#17
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#17
(Original post by Hopple)
No need to look, just spend NYE with him

The message is a bit suspect, though. Has he kept in contact with her for this time or did he just send that message out of the blue?



Wtf? Even married couples give each other more privacy than you would to a boyfriend of merely a year.
They've been messaging each other for a couple of months after we got together, but just like a message a week sort of thing. She's been a bit flirty and he hasn't really apart from that message when he called her beautiful.
I would of wanted to spend new year with him, but I can't really bring it up right now incase he realises.
I just can't stop crying seriously, I thought this guy was the one, he's so kind and gentle and lovely, I didn't think I'd find this out. Why on earth did I do this? I'm so horrible and stupid!
My ex cheated on me a lot of times and it's just messed me up, I fought with myself for so long not to spy on my boyfriend but I stupidly did today. Just need to try and get over this or it's never gonna work, I just feel really guilty too
quote
reply
yennibubs
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#18
Report 5 years ago
#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I forgot to add that, there's been no contact with the first girl but there has been with the "beautiful" girl. He sent her a message last week saying "Hello my beautiful xxxx" (her name) but he did make it clear that he was in a relationship with me. But she's now asked him to spend new years eve with her.. he hasn't replied yet but i'm scared! I don't want to look again but it just not nice!
Have the other messages been very flirty? Or was the "hello beautiful" a one-off thing? Because my work colleagues and uni friends sometimes do that. Not because they are interested, but it's just a bit of fun.

Actually I think you should see the reply about new years eve. The reply will tell you what he thinks. Most likely he will reply that he is spending it with you.

I agree with others about coming clean to him. Talking about it definitely feels better, and even though he will be annoyed, if he genuinely cares about you, this is something that he can get over.... Especially after telling him how much this upset/concerns you.

Posted from TSR Mobile
0
quote
reply
Hopple
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#19
Report 5 years ago
#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
They've been messaging each other for a couple of months after we got together, but just like a message a week sort of thing. She's been a bit flirty and he hasn't really apart from that message when he called her beautiful.
I would of wanted to spend new year with him, but I can't really bring it up right now incase he realises.
I just can't stop crying seriously, I thought this guy was the one, he's so kind and gentle and lovely, I didn't think I'd find this out. Why on earth did I do this? I'm so horrible and stupid!
My ex cheated on me a lot of times and it's just messed me up, I fought with myself for so long not to spy on my boyfriend but I stupidly did today. Just need to try and get over this or it's never gonna work, I just feel really guilty too
I wouldn't worry about that message then, if it's part of regular contact.

As for NYE, I'd say you can expect to spend it with him. Don't bring it up now, but it's not like he can say no. True, he did do your birthday thing one day off, but that's not uncommon, and he can't really celebrate New Year's at any other time
0
quote
reply
Anonymous #1
#20
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#20
(Original post by yennibubs)
Have the other messages been very flirty? Or was the "hello beautiful" a one-off thing? Because my work colleagues and uni friends sometimes do that. Not because they are interested, but it's just a bit of fun.

Actually I think you should see the reply about new years eve. The reply will tell you what he thinks. Most likely he will reply that he is spending it with you.

I agree with others about coming clean to him. Talking about it definitely feels better, and even though he will be annoyed, if he genuinely cares about you, this is something that he can get over.... Especially after telling him how much this upset/concerns you.

Posted from TSR Mobile
No they haven't been very flirty, she has been a bit flirty with him in the past saying things like "if you're ever bored call me " the "hello beautiful" is the only flirty message i've seen i'm just worried about what he replies to the nye arrangement. She really is beautiful, but seems so mean from some of the other messages, like he arranges some lovely things with her several times and she was like "maybe, you know i can't make definite plans" she didn't work so it seems like she was looking for something else, it's just annoying me that she's constantly messaging him (i've seen lots that he's not even replied to) it's like she wants what she can't have now.

I really don't think I can come clean though, I think he'd be devastated about it and quite righly so. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, but it just sickens me that he's put me at risk now and what if I have an std? He'll think it's my fault but I got tested before we got together and he said he had too, it's just horrible
quote
reply
X

Reply to thread

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Do you like exams?

Yes (169)
18.59%
No (554)
60.95%
Not really bothered about them (186)
20.46%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise